4. Silence
"Get lost?" Jeff puts his hands on his faggy little hips. I don't answer. I throw him the candle and resumed to my solitude -well, as much solitude as you can get in a small hotel room. I can't help but feel that Kurt was holding his tongue about something. I want to say that he was fighting an urge to admit some seemingly life-long crush on me, but...I doubt that's my sensibility speaking. Crush. What a stupid word. A crush is when you hide behind your locker and giggle with your friends about how boss the school hockey team leader looks in those brand spanking new jordaches. What I feel for Kurt is something different...almost new. It shouldn't be new, I've dated many a man in my time. Dated, but, alas, never loved. I mean, I'm not going to say I'm in love with Kurt, no, no, it's much too soon for that. But it's possible. In love is when you can't sleep at night, so you turn around and watch him. Watch him and listen to him breathe in a peaceful slumber, until you're lulled enough by his tender heartbeat to lean against him and fall asleep, knowing you'll wake up the next morning in his arms.
Hold on, I gotta write that down!
Kurt:
I came out to Chyna tonight. She sensed it, like all open-minded women do, and she was fully supportive when I broke down and cried like a helpless infant. The lights are back on. I wake up, finding myself lying, in fetal position, against her in bed. I'm so lucky to have a friend like this. I attmpt to sit up without waking her. I put my shoes on, and head for the door -can't sleep, too much on my mind. As I shut the door behind me, I feel like it's the first day of kindergarten, when Mommy dropped me off into the real world. I guess one could consider this my first official day as a, well, queen, he he. I don't know where I'm going to go, exactly. I'll probably go down to the bar with the intention of having one whiskey sour. Then two. Then three. Four. Five. Then I'll crawl back upstairs to my room a German mess, and spend the rest of the night bent over the can, only to face interrogation the next morning.
Adam:
I am woken up by the triumphant return of light. To my right, lay Matt and Jeff, completely naked, asleep, intwined in eachother. Trust me, folks, it's an ugly sight. Should I scratch my definition of 'in love'? To my left -New York. I don't mean to embark on a cliché, but I really don't think anyone IS asleep out there! I'm wretchedly bored. What a loser, I should be out drinking, getting laid, doing something. Instead, I'm here listening to honking cars, and snoring queers. It's sad.
Kurt:
Halfway down the hall I stop short. There's his room. 234 -how pathetic, I memorized the room number! My body wants to keep walking, but my brain is shutting down. I just stand there. Just stand for what seems like hours, but is probably mere seconds. I feel my inhabitions drop one by one to the floor, like dead layers of skin, so that by the time I'm right in front of the door, I feel 20 lbs. lighter. Well, here goes.....
Adam:
Hark! Someone is at the door. I can't imagine who it could be at this ungodly hour. I'm hesitant to open it, seeing as how I'm not in the most social of moods tonight. With a yielding sigh, I turn the knob, and......
Kurt:
I say nothing as he answers the door, surprised. My hands are wedged tensely in my coat pockets, and all potential words are lodged safely in my throat. So, I do, simply, what I feel. I reach over, and by the back of his head, gently, I pull him, and kiss him.
Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to believe that I'd get caught up
When the rage in me subsides
In this white wave
I am sinking
In this silence
In this white wave
in this silence I believe I have seen you
in this white wave you are silent
You are breathing in this white wave
I am free
His mouth is tight at first, in shock of the situation. Then I realize -he's not resisting! With that, I put both arms around him, and clutch his shoulders, eccstatic, feeling him kiss me back!
Adam:
I'm shaking beyond belief. His beautiful mouth is the only thing keeping me from grinning, and screaming like a 13 year old girl. My mind is spinning with questions and assumptions, but I ignore them, reveling in the moment. With my free hand, I shut the door behind me, and place it with the other on the small of his back. He finishes slowly, and looks at me, eyes full of scattered emotion.
Kurt:
"I...I'm gay," is the only thing I can cough up, as he looks at me, expecting some sort of explanation. His hands are still on my back.
Adam:
He's still rubbing my shoulders. I give him a nervous laugh, and, with my distinct charm, and classic wit, I reply, "Duh."
Kurt:
I laugh with him, and am caught off guard by a comparably good kiss from him. I think I'm going to like this gay thing!
EARLY THE NEXT MORNING
Kurt:
" SANTA FE -hey, isn't that a song from Rent?" I ask. Adam and I happen to be up very early. We never went to sleep last night -no, kids, get your minds out of the toilet. We stayed up all night, talking, and, once in a while, kissing. So we figured, around 5-ish, that since we're already up, we might as well get a headstart in packing for our flight to New Mexico. Jeff's givin us dirty looks fom the bathroom -fuck him. I'm the happiest I've ever been.
Adam:
Sure, we're tired, but we'll catch up on sleep once we're on board -finally, someone to wake up with! "I do believe it is, Kurt. We should see that again, somtime! I'm afarid I wasn't really paying attention to it the first time..." We look up at each other and smile.
in this silence I believe I have seen you
in this white wave you are silent
You are breathing in this white wave
I am free
END of Part One
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