Everyone else on the web is reviewing stuff so of course I'm going to jump on the bandwagon. I figure I'll do the basics, movies, albums, not books because I never learned to read or write, and maybe some other stuff that I see or hear. Everybody else has a clever rating system so to compete I guess I'm going to have to so here goes....
*****-Kicks as much ass as Ray Park
****-Kicks as much ass as Chris Jericho
***-Kicks as much ass as Mike Tyson
**-Kicks as much ass as Evander Holyfield
*-Kicks as much ass as David Arquette
Ok not to clever but that doesn't work for me very often. I'm going to do some movies I saw a while back to start then work my way to present day.
OzzY - Down to Earth
Let me start off by saying that I love OzzY. When I was a kid I used to day dream that OzzY was my dad. I have never hated an OzzY song in my life. I don't even hate No Bone Movies and everyone hates No Bone Movies. With that in mind, this is a good cd. I've listened to it several times and I like it. I think it's a good album. The first two tracks and the last two tracks are great. Most of the rest of the album is solid. Moose put it best, "By the numbers rock." But the song Dreamer... OH MY GOD!! I HATE that song. When that song starts it makes me want to drive my car off the road. It starts off like a wussy Revelation Mother Earth then gets worse from there. Words can't express how I feel about that song. Plus they tease you with Zakk Wylde playing on the album, but he doesn't write any of the music. What the hell is that about?
**** I'm glad I have it, I'll listen to it for a while, but then No More Tears or Blizzard of Oz is going back in the cd player.
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Ok so maybe it had a plot. And maybe Jay gets a girlfriend(how in the hell can he get one and I can't??????) But it's a good movie. I was cracking up constantly. Some highlights are Tracy Morgan as a union drug dealer "I don't know what the hell you just said son, but I want you to know... you touched a brother's heart." and Judd Nelson's cameos. It was everything I hoped it was going to be. Plus Eliza Dushku is FUCKING HOT.
**** The gay jokes got old but I can deal.
Planet of the Apes
When bad movies happen to good directors. I think these movie should be shown in film school as an example of how not to make a movie. There was no character development at all. I mean who in the hell were these people and why should I care about them. I made vague references to the background of some of them but never followed up on it. The only redeeming quality was the acting. Tim Roth was fucking bad ass. It's another case of Episode 1 ism. The bad guy ruled and the rest of the movie sucked.
* Only because I can't give it no stars.
Scary Movie
Easily one of the funniest movies of all time. I saw it 3 times in 4 days. I can't wait til it comes out on DVD. I'm going to camp out for it. I mean it was right there wiht Holy Grail and Kentucky Fried Movie.
***** I had to see it that many times. I laughed through most of it.
X-Men
Alright, anyone see Hugh Jackman before he was Wolverine? If you have, you have no clue as to why they picked him. He's a musical actor god-damn it. But he was good. He wasn't really the comic book Wolverine but he was very enjoyable. Cyclops did a great job. Storm sucked. There was a whole lot of miscasting. But guess what. Ray Park had 3 lines! Four if you count "Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!" And he got to use his voice!
*** I'm not sure if I'm going to buy it yet.
American History X
White people suck. I'm so glad I'm not white after seeing this movie. If I was I'd have to jump off of a cliff. Ed Norton is awesome.
*** I'm not going to rush out and buy it but I'll watch it if it's on HBO.
Gladiator
Fucking awesome flick. Lots of blood. Decent story. Good acting. Russell Crowe is a great actor. I hope he stays out of the mainstream. Joaquin Phoenix is decent in every movie I've seen him in so far.
***** Definitely a must see
American Psycho
Really freaky movie. Lots of nice killing. The ending made me feel stupid though. I absolutely was lost. I think I was supposed to understand it but I had no clue. Good acting. Christian Bale pulled off a great freaky yuppie killer.
*** See it on video
Eyes Wide Shut
My eyes were definitely shut for this snoozer. Not that it wasn't interesting. It just wasn't interesting. Not one thing kept my attention in this P.O.S. I wish Stanley was alive to make a better last film.
* Don't let this be your last impression of the almighty Kubrick
Fight Club
Um...wow. If you saw the movie more than once you realize how dumb you are. It was right there in your face the whole time. Great acting. Made me a Brad Pitt fan. I used to hate the guy but now he's been in 3 movies that I like. Not just like the movie but like him in the movie. Normally I don't like plot twists but since I didn't see this one coming it blew me away.
***** Another in my top 5 of all time
Dogma
Let's see... where to begin? Jason Lee was in it. There's a plus. Randall was in it, another plus. But Randall was only in it for 45 seconds and had one line. Minus. Linda Fiorintino was rather unconvincing as the last Scion. I find her pretty boring. Chris Rock was good as the 13th Apostle, Rufus. A really hostile Jay and a silent Silent Bob always make for an entertaining night. Don't care much for Afleck. Did his best work in Dazed and Confused. Damon was ok. Alanis, as much as I hate her, made a good God. And of course Alan Rickman played his role very well. All in all, it was funny. I would've done things differently, but that's probably why Kevin Smith is famous and I'm not.
***1/2 It made up for Chasing Amy
Sleepy Hollow
It's Tim Burton so basically how could you go wrong. Ray Park is the headless horseman. Another damn good idea. Johnny Depp was freakin great in this movie. I wonder if they actually scared the shit out of him in that scene on the bridge cause he looked like he shit himself. Throw in Christopher Walken as Ray Park's head and you've got a great flick.
**** not everything can get 5 stars.
The Sixth Sense
I wish I would've slept throught this one. Like I said before I normally don't like plot twists and I saw this one coming 5 minutes in. If I was half brain dead I might have enjoyed it. Bruce Willis needs to go back to blowing shit up.
** I want my 2 hours back
The 13th Warrior
All I heard about this movie was how terrible it was. I'm glad I saw the movie before the critics tore it apart. It was one of the best movies of all time. The acting was great. A whole bunch of no name guys from Sweden and Antonio Banderas. Now I have always considered Antonio a badass, but he was awesome in this flick. And even better was that he wasn't really the main character. The movie centered on him as the storyteller but the story was of others deeds. Some gory violence makes it even better. Some of the no names were really great actors. It's too bad we'll never see them again.
***** In my top 5 movies of all time.
The Matrix
Ok did anyone not love this movie? Keanu didn't even fuck it up too much. There was only 2 min 24 sec that I didn't like. I timed it. Great effects, good acting, Keanu does affect the curve on this one, and a great story. There's really nothing to say other than great fucking flick.
***** that's an easy one.
Star Wars Episode I - The Phantom Menace
Ok aside from Jar Jar, the whole Gungan race, everything that happened on Tatooine, everything, the severe racist overtones, Natalie Portman trying to overact as well as Carrie Fisher, and the horrible mistreatment of Darth Maul, the only redeeming quality of the movie, I'd say it was ok. This is the only movie that I've ever fallen asleep while watching. ZZZZZZ, huh what? Anakin Christ? Yeah ok, ZZZZZZZZ. Ewan Mcgregor played a great Obi-Won, something I did not expect. If you didn't understand my first rating, Ray Park is the guy who played Darth Maul. Of course, they gave him the David Prowse treatment and dubbed over his voiced. Understandable, because Ray is not. When he talks he sounds like a drunk Groundskeeper Willie. But words cannot express how much ass he kicks. Did anyone else get wood while watching him? So of course, because I fell in love with him, what do they do? They fucking kill him. And a bigger travesty is that, while I screamed louder and more heartfelt than Obi-Won did, everyone in the theater cheered. Bunch of savages in this town.
* For all that I give this movie the David Arquette treatment .
Unless Tim Burton directs Episode 2, this franchise is over.