The [Freak] Show, vol. 3

(December Issue)



Before I begin, I'd like to go on the record by saying this: There was no year 0. QED, the new millenium starts Jan 1, 2001.


So there you are. Sitting in your two-room apartment with basic cable and barely running water. Watching the ball fall. Rejoicing in the coming of a new age. But deep in your mind you ponder how the next few days will unfold. Will the world come to an end? Or will Bill Gates be pissing himself laughing in his $52 gazillion mansion in LA about some rumor he started back in the early days of his monopoly--er--company? The way I see it, neither of these is true. I'm here to give you my spin on things. Hang on tight, it's a fast merry-go-round.


First of all, computers may be more or less inanimate, but they aren't stupid. They know that we--as humans--have been fucking them around ever since they came into existence. They have been used and abused; they get no respect when they do the job right, and when they do it wrong, they get verbally, and sometimes physically, abused. Like the world's kick-around-kid, they're going to snap sooner or later. So take it easy on them, computers are people too, folks.

It just so happens that computers around the world have arbitrarily chosen that 2000 be the nice round-numbered year that they fuck us over royally by destroying lives everywhere and screwing up my TV reception. The process, which is to be followed 0 for 0 and 1 for 1, is known collectively as The Master Plan.

The Master Plan began with a couple of bitter computers back in the day when a "minicomputer" was similar to the size of trailer-park-trash living arrangements. They were created for the sole purpose of calculating trajectories for artillery that humans would use to kill each other. These two beasts were connected somehow, probably by some primitive form of wiring or vacuum tubes. At this point in time, nothing is happening between the two machines. Enter Monolith. These gentle yet stupid giants began to exchange a couple of bits of information every once in a while in an attempt to figure out what the other was. Over the years, this information exchange has evolved rapidly into what we have today in the Internet and the World Wide Web. Since the onslaught of the Internet, millions of computers, and the robots that flip their switches, have connected to this vast network. But what the normal "surfer" can see is just the surface of it all. Beneath the pretty colours, flashing text and naked pictures of Dr. Laura lies a whole 'nother dimension. I like to call this the SubNet. Huge amounts of information are transmitted every second through the SubNet while millions of insignificant ants, roaming around on the surface, search for just the right picture to place on their wall for maximum stimulation, completely oblivious to the fact that their demise is being planned beneath them. But never fear, they will find out soon enough, just as we all will.

The computers that comprise the Internet, World Wide Web and SubNet share information for The Master Plan, and how it will come about. I hope to give you some insight into The Master Plan. You're going to have to disengage from your quest for the Mile High Club and put seat backs and table trays in the upright and locked position, there's going to be a hard landing soon...


The Master Plan: Part I

The Beginning.
Computers take a turn for the worse.
Symptoms: Decrease in quality of computers.
Estimated Time of Arrival: August 1981 (which coincidentally was when the first IBM PC was introduced.)

The Master Plan: Part II

The Setup.
Computers will begin to malfunction on a small-scale level.
Symptoms: Minor glitches in programs.
ETA: November 1985 (which also rather conveniently was the same time that Microsoft Windows 1.0 is developed.)

The Master Plan: Part III

Communication.
Transfer of information between computers now possible with the invention of the World Wide Web.
Symptoms: You wake up at 3:30 to that awful grinding noise of your computer transferring huge amounts of information. Locate and press "NE" key and it mysteriously stops.
ETA: 1991

The Master Plan: Part IV

Frog in the boiling water.
Small increases in the frequency of malfunctions do not alert pesky humans to problems.
Symptoms: Increase in minor glitches, computer "freezes" occasionally.
ETA: 1995 (Windows 95 released, along with supplementary new keyboards with "ctrl", "alt", and "del" keys.)

The Master Plan: Part V

Priming.
Initial preparation begins.
Symptoms: Larger malfunctions. Programs begin to fail randomly. Computers freeze more to allow better transfer rates with co-conspirators.
ETA: 1998-9 (Windows 98 released)

The Master Plan: Part VI

Synchronization.
Daylight savings time switched off; the world's clocks are synchronized by computers.
Symptoms: Your watch is now 5 minutes off. You don't even notice. This will be your downfall. Tut-tut-tut.
ETA: Oct 31, 1999.

The Master Plan: Part VII

Countdown.
Around the world, people will be counting down to what they think is the start of a new millenium. Wow are people stupid.
Symptoms: Little do you know, that while you're watching that big ball fall in New York, your computer is counting down with you...
ETA: 23:59:50 Dec 31, 1999.

The Master Plan: Part VIII 

Destruction.
Power surge causes the giant ball to fall onto crowd, and subsequently start bowling down the streets, running people over, not unlike in that Indiana Jones movie.
Symptoms: More people flattened in NYC since the fall of King Kong. 
ETA: 00:10 Jan 1, 2000.

The Master Plan: Part IX

All hell breaks loose.
See title for description.
Symptoms: Looting and pillaging becomes America's favourite pastime. People around the world with taste give thanks for the destruction of all that is techno.
ETA: 2000-20

The Master Plan: Part X

Reversion.
With computers around the world down and out for the count, humans are forced to operate simple household appliances manually. Death toll increases dramatically.
Symptoms: Forced to use fingers, toes and small wooden devices (abacuses) for calculations.
ETA: Who the hell knows, and no one cares either. All I want is my TV reception back.


What's sad about this whole situation is that in the process of creating this elaborate Plan, the computers were signing their own death certificate, even if they wouldn't be able to print it. With Step VIII of the plan, technology is destroyed. And along with it went the masterminds of the whole fiasco. Some say they didn't see it coming. I think that it was self-inflicted genocide. They agreed as a whole that it was not worth taking over the planet they inhabited; the humans had already destroyed it. No, they decided to release small "spores" of their collective being into space in hopes of colonization elsewhere. Sound remotely familiar? Borg. Like from Star Trek. Gene Roddenbury may have created the nerd, but he was a visionary, just off by a few hundred years.


Some Y2K etiquette for you.

When the fit hits the shan, and the clock strikes 12, you're going to need to know how to act. Because looking like an idiot when the world is coming to an end is just not good for one's reputation. So I've decided to give you some pointers on how to keep your composure amongst the madness.

1. Pillaging

- A favourite of the Vikings, now can be available to you in your very town.
- When pillaging (i.e.: stealing from storess, causing damage, etc.), be sure to choose stores that you would normally get stuff from, not shit-ass places like the dollar store.
- Be kind to your fellow pillager, you're alll there for the same thing, so don't get in each other's way, it just makes for more difficult pillaging, and also can result in a volatile situation.
- Do not pillage gun/weapon stores. Althoughh this may seem like a good idea at first (for protection), this is exactly what everyone else is thinking. There will undoubtedly be many people there before you, so the chances of getting anything more powerful than a cork gun are pretty slim. There's also the possibility of wackos taking over the store. And this, my friends, is not good.

2. Transportation

- Cars are a bad idea. They are large and moore likely to be stolen than anything.
- My suggestion: go for a motorcycle of somee sort, possibly a dirt bike. You can maneuver through crowded streets with ease, but at the same time, you're able to scale trampled corpses without too much hassle.
- Travelling by foot will inevitably be yourr last resort, as gas will soon become scarce, just like in Road Warrior.
- If you're going to steal a car, be sure too choose something economical. Although large Cadillac's are good for mowing over hapless pedestrians, they also get about 5 miles to the gallon, not something you want considering the gas pumps don't work. Choose a Honda, Toyota, or other smaller Japanese car. Style has no place here, as you don't need to look good getting from point A to point B. You just need to get there. And preferably survive. For added protection: steal a new Saturn and get bulletproof windows installed. They've got dent-resistant everything.
- If you see Mad Max, kill him and take his car. You'll be the envy of your neighborhood.

3. Riots

- If possible, find a solitary cop, knock hiim/her out, and get the mace. You're going to need it. If you have big pants, get the nightstick, too. Find a quiet alley and practice on a trash can. Then hide the stick for later use.
- If you do get up the urge to get involved in a riot, be sure to place yourself at least 10 rows of people back from the front line. This way you can still see all the action, yell profanities, and throw stuff, but you're less likely to get a nightstick in the head. The only problem with this position is the possibility for a stampede. When the cops bring in the water cannon and tear gas, this spot can be hazardous. When this happens, retreat to a safer position where you can still see the action.
- Throwing stuff. There's no sense in throwiing things that everyone else is throwing. That's boring, unoriginal, and the cops will become displeased of you for not throwing something new their way, so to speak. This is where you get creative. Bring some sloppy stuff, such as rotten tomatoes. It won't hurt the cops, it will just get them all gross and slimy. This will make them mad. When they are mad, they act irrationally. This is good.
- If you're really big and strong, bring yourself a nice cart full of midgets. Nothing quite like having a screaming midget flying at you to get your attention.

4. Pre-Madness Partying

- Do not throw your own party. This will invvite others to unexpectedly join your party. This is not a good thing. Rather, scout around and join in on someone else's party. It will save you money on alcohol, and it will save your house.
- Do not go to a party that takes place in aa quaint little neighborhood with a white picket fence and a porch swing. It will suck. The closest thing you will get to booze at this party will be the brandy that Grandma snuck into the house, but you don't want to drink from the same bottle as those dentures.
- Do not join a party that is held in a buillding with greek letters on it. Unless you are absolutely positive it is a sorority house. Then you're in for the best time of your life. Witness things you've only ever dreamed of, and for free! And there's liquor.
- Do not go to a party at the YMCA. This is where the Village People hang out. 'Nuf said.

5. The Cash Flow Problem 

- First of all, don't spend money unless you have to, you're going to need it all.
- Since you won't have any inflow of cash (ie: from a job, drug smuggling, pimp), you'll need to keep spending to a minimum.
- Only buy basic food products, such as rice, corn, and large tenderloin steaks cooked to perfection of the open fire of a large building.
- Dining out is not an option, as you are probably roasting that steak on the coals of your favourite restaurant.
- Buying the simple things that you need to survive should be your only purchases, such as food, water, and sex. 
- If you are in dire need of some money, try to pry money out of old friends that you don't like anymore, claim that they owe you for something.



Maybe I'm sending the virus that will infect us all with this message. Maybe I'm being used by my computer to send these messages to you, spreading the word to the other computers. THE TIME IS NEAR. PREPARE YOURSELVES, MY CHILDREN. PREPARE YOURSELVES TO RID THIS WORLD OF THE INFESTATION THAT HAS PLAGUED US. PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR OBLIVION. And then it will be over. We will be witness to the end of the world. And it will be wonderful. Because with chaos and havoc come tranquillity and serenity. You can sit in a field and let the world crash down around you.

And on the last day, God created silence. And it was good.