The [Freak] Show, vol. 1

(October Issue)


Hi folks. 
Welcome to The [Freak] Show. Seems as though you've made it this far. I'll give you credit for that. The
badge is in the mail. Allow 4-6 weeks for delivery. 


All Hallow's Adam and Eve

Apparently Halloween, along with many other holidays, began as a Pagan holiday. A time to get drunk
off cheap booze, party, copy your worst enemy's costume and bang his girlfriend. Poor chick didn't
even see it coming (for decency's sake, I'll leave it at that). Then came the Anglo-Saxons. Thank god. If
it wasn't for them, we'd still be celebrating some whacked out holiday instead of good old Halloween.
Frightening to think of what's worse than Halloween. Perhaps people would be robbed right in front of
their eyes, and all the while them knowing it. Wait, that is Halloween.


Decoder rings are good for something after all

Yes, Halloween is here, time to waste a hundred bucks just to conform to Pagan ritualistic freakishness
and feed the candy-hungry little buggers that knock on your door. This year, in order for the little kids to
get candy, they're going to have to know the secret code. There really won't be one, but they don't know
that. In order to get the code, they'll have to decipher a list of complex and frankly unbreakable codes,
not unlike those used by the CIA to break into the central computer and subsequently get two
doughnuts for the price of one at the Tim Horton's down the road. Once the really smart ones who have
deciphered the code (the ones smart enough to bribe me with some of their "winnings"), they will then
receive each one box of sugary, brown goodness. No, no, not chocolate. Those shit-filled Sun Rype
Raisin boxes. Hehe, dumb kids.


Trix are for kids...and pimps

To tell you the truth, now that I've grown out of Halloween, I find it rather ridiculous. The fact that kids
come to your door expecting you to give them food for free is baffling. But then again, I wouldn't mind it
altogether if someone gave me free food, in fact, I might even thank them for it. But it's all the freaks out
there that give this holiday a bad name. It's the people like me who hand out those shitty raisin boxes
that really put a damper on the whole holiday-thing. But maybe that's our plan. Maybe we're the
grinches, forever trying to ruin the pleasant little holiday for all the boys and girls. On the other hand, the
empty boxes make good whistles. Happy whistling, kiddies.


Shit-disturbers, unite!

Come to think of it, dressing-up is pretty ridiculous, too. I think if you don't wanna get in shit looking like
yourself, then you shouldn't be getting into shit in the first place. Or making an ass of yourself,
something I have mastered. Lessons start at $40 for a 3 day seminar. Call my sexy secretary for an
over-priced appointment. $5.99/minute. Must be 19 or younger.

To do, or not to do...

Exhibit A: Eggs
Ingredients: Just think about that one for a second.
Tasty when stuck to heated frying pan (although burning sensation may occur after a few seconds),
sticky when stuck to house or car.
Recommended course of action: Remove from container, throw, listen, laugh. Repeat as necessary.

Exhibit B: Toilet Paper.
Ingredients: Inexpensive bulk TP.
Now in my opinion, this is one of the stupidest things that man has ever done, next to creating boy
bands. Things that are meant to wipe your ass, like boy bands and the object in question, should stick
to doing what they're supposed to, wipe your ass. Not attract large laughing crowds by streaking
across lawns throughout the country. Looks like "the boys" need a tan.
Recommended course of action: Unglue first square, unroll about 5 feet, hold onto loose end, throw.
Extra points: play catch over a tree or house.

Exhibit C: Riots.
Ingredients: Angry people, unsuspecting shops and cars, rocks, more angry people. Mix well.
While can be fun when unruly, you just know those pesky cops are going to show up sooner or later
and keep you from drinking, breaking shit and just overall having a good time.
Recommended course of action: When they break out the cans that say mace on them, run. But if you
can read what the can says, you're fucked already, so read it and weep, literally.

Exhibit D: Tequila.
Ingredients: No one really knows.
Admired by some, regurgitated by others.
Recommended course of action: Pour, slam. Lime to taste. Repeat.

Exhibit E: Firecrackers.
Ingredients: Wick, gunpowder, dumb kids.
Now this is crazy shit people. Despite what you might think, losing two fingers to a firecracker cannot
be considered a "battle wound".
Recommended course of action: Light, drop or throw, run. Carry bandages and morphine for wounds
or someone desperately in need of a high. See Exhibit B for correct use of bandages.

Exhibit F: Pumpkins + Jack-o-Lanterns.
Ingredients: Pumpkin, sharp objects, candle, C4.
Interesting tradition. My best guess: someone was hopped up on goof-balls one night and decided it
would be cool if pumpkins had faces. Personally, I like the idea of blowing them up, just for the sheer
carnage. However, stepping in it is a completely different matter.
Recommended course of action: Disembowel pumpkin, save innards for later use. Use knife to cut
slits in side of pumpkin, makes for better bursting. Place explosive inside pumpkin. Light. Hide behind
large, stable, solid object. Your fat friend will do. See Exhibit A for use of pumpkin innards.

Exhibit G: Shit-in-the-burning-bag-at-the-Old-Man's-house.
Ingredients: Paper bag, dog shit, lighter.
The very thought makes me cringe with disgust and amusement. For added bonus, add seashells (for
a sickening crunch) and/or various bugs in larval stage for extra sloppiness. Warning: not to be tried
with known felons.
Recommended course of action: Place two-day old (can be fresh, but with age comes that lovely
robust scent) dog shit in paper bag, preferably a strong one so it doesn't fall on your shoes. Add any
other goodies desired. Shake well before serving. Place on doorstep. Light. Ring. Run. Hide. Laugh.
Run. Dodge bullet.

Exhibit H: Soaping Windows
Ingredients: Liquid soap, windows (not yours, dumb-ass)
Can be quite a bitch to get off, I'm told. And no, I'm not talking about your girlfriend. She wasn't that
great.
Recommended course of action: Pour soap on windows. This one isn't as fun as the others; you can't
actually see the end result.

Exhibit I: All of the above.
Ingredients: Fucked-up mind, body to comply and carry out actions as dictated by said mind.
Ok, so this probably shouldn't have it's own letter, but if you manage to pull this off, you are one busy,
screwed up person. Or maybe I'm just jealous.
Recommended course of action: Open Yellow Pages, turn to psychiatry.


Step right up. Enjoy the ride. Check your soul at the gate. Just don't expect
to get it back.

The freaks in the house down the road have released the hounds. It's only a matter of time before they
hunt us down. Better enjoy it while you can. Have some fun, drink some liquor, and keep the
Technicolour Yawn to yourself. Hell, maybe if you do happen to wind up in a pool of your own vomit, the
dogs might just leave you alone. It could happen. You never know. It's funny how things work out like
that. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I hear some more victims knocking.