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Austin Powers
International Man of Mystery
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Doctor Evil
Arch-Nemesis
Disclaimer: The characters Xena and Gabrielle are owned by Studios USA, and are used here without permission. Austin Powers and Doctor Evil are _ 1999 New Line Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved. This story is a not-for-profit parody, and is thus protected under copyright laws as such.
Shag Notice: This story portrays people shagging. If you are too young for such a thing, wait until The Spy Who Shagged Me comes out on video, and watch it then, you cheeky little bugger, you.
Setting: This story takes place during the 4th season Xena episode Ides of March.
Callisto's eyes narrowed as she weighed the Chakram for the toss. Xena's back was to her, and she could finish her off here and now. At last, she would have her revenge...
F-THOOM! F-THOOM!
"Yeah Baby Yeah!"
A psychedelic Volkswagen Bug had just appeared in the space the Goddess was standing in. Callisto just had time to turn to see an extremely sexy man steering a freakish wagon in her direction. She stared in horror as the car drove through her vanishing body, as she was pulled into the time vortex that it had created. She disappeared without a t race.
Austin crash-landed his bug artfully, narrowly missing two women on the ground. Grinning to himself at his feat, he looked forward to see a dozen soldiers directly in the path of his careening auto.
"Crikey!"
Xena and Gabrielle both turned at the tremendous noise behind them. At first, Xena had thought she sensed a familiar presence, but there was nothing familiar about the crazily-colored wagon that roared past them.
Austin winced as soldier after soldier were hit by his vehicle. Running over the last one, he finally brought the car to a stop.
Xena's jaw hung open.
"There's something awfully familiar about this." Gabrielle observed, looking in wonder at the scene of carnage. All of the soldiers were either unconscious or dead. For a moment she had considered fighting them herself, but fortunately that was not going to be necessary.
The International Man of Mystery got out and slammed the door shut. He looked over his vehicle. "I'll never get those marks off the paint now."
Xena loudly cleared her throat.
Austin whipped around, and stared in her direction. A grin crossed his face. "I'm terribly sorry about this. Were they friends of yours?"
Xena smiled in return. "No, they weren't. Your help couldn't be more timely."
"Smashing, baby, yeah." Austin nodded, coming around the car. "We haven't been properly introduced."
"Who are you?" Gabrielle asked.
"Powers. Austin Powers." the agent said seriously, lifting the blonde's hand up to his mouth.
Xena pulled Gabrielle's hand out of his before he could kiss it.
The debonair spy looked hurt for a moment, and then recovered. "Verrrry randy."
"I thought only emperors had two names." Gabrielle observed.
"I'm the Emperor of Swing, baby." he replied. "And what are you lovelies named?"
"I'm Xena, this is Gabrielle." the raven-haired woman replied. "You're not from Rome, I guess."
"That's the understatement of the year." Gabrielle opined.
Austin struck a heroic pose. That always got the chicks horny.
"What are you doing here?" Xena asked, looking at the other-worldly wagon behind him.
"I'm looking for Doctor Evil, have you seen him?" Austin asked, looking around at his surroundings. "I seem to have taken a wrong turn somewhere."
Suddenly the shouts of troops could be heard beyond the prison courtyard.
"Come on." Xena commanded, moving towards the gates. "You'll be needing a doctor soon enough if we don't get out of here."
"Hold on, luv." Austin urged. "Why walk when we can ride in style?"
Xena and Gabrielle exchanged glances, and shrugged. The day couldn't get any weirder.
"Into the backseat, luv." he motioned Xena, holding the door open for her. He then stopped Gabrielle from following her. "Why don't you ride up front with me, eh?"
"Uh... Okay." the blonde acquiesced.
As she got in, Austin leaned over to whisper to her. "I'll show you the rumble seat later, right?"
Gabrielle rolled her eyes, but she couldn't help but feel a flutter as he closed the door for her.
"Hey, remember me?" Xena said, tugging her short hair. "Your soulmate? Back in the rumble seat."
Gabrielle leaned her head back. "I haven't forgotten."
Austin tiptoed over the fallen Roman soldiers around the car. "Looks like I overshot the mark a bit following the Doctor back in time."
A soldier groaned as Austin stepped on him.
Austin got in. "Right, let's get this show on the road."
"How does it go?" Xena asked as the strange wagon rumbled to life, like something alive.
Austin revved the accelerator of the SWINGER2 as the gates before them rattled amidst shouts. "All the way, baby. All the way."
The Roman centurion had just managed to unlatch the gate when the double doors blew open, and a rainbow nightmare knocked him out of the way.
Austin turned the vehicle onto the carefully-maintained Roman road, and sped into the Italian countryside.
Doctor Evil held up a flask filled with a swirly gel.
"What is it, Herr Doctor?" Frau asked as she joined him at the conference table.
"This is the secret to my nemesis' power." the Doctor intoned in his lemony voice. "Austin Power's power, his Mojo. Without this, his legendary skills will be poo poo, and I will rule the world! Mwa Ha Ha Ha! Mwa Ha Hah Ha!"
Frau joined in on the laughter. Suddenly a young man with an eyepatch joined them.
"What is it, young Number Two?" the Doctor asked.
"Doctor Evil," he sternly began, sitting down, "now that you have come back from the future, I was wondering if you could share with us some advice, things to invest in perhaps?"
The Doctor took a quizzical expression. "What kind of investments?"
"How about plastics?" Number Two offered. "I've heard good things about that. And electric cars."
"Don't invest in electric cars." the Doctor replied. "They'll never work."
"And plastics?"
"No!" the Doctor exclaimed, nearly dropping his flask. "Our resources must be channeled into my gigantic moon laser, so that I might menace the world."
"Yes sir." Number Two reluctantly agreed. Then his expression lit up. "By the way, I've just gotten word that the sabotage to Austin Power's time vehicle was a complete success. He is now lost in the distant past!"
"Splendid, Number Two." the Doctor agreed, stroking his chin. "A necessary evil, but one that I am quite capable of. Now nothing can stop my dark plans! Mwa Hah Ha! Mwa Ha Hah! Mwa Ha Ha!"
The others joined in to curry favor, but soon hushed as Scott Evil made his presence known.
"Dad, what lame-ass stunt are you doing now?" the blue-haired youth asked.
"Your father is going to rule the world!" Frau Farbissina said proudly.
Scott snorted. "Yeah, right. This sounds like some lame plot from Pinky and the Brain."
"From what?" the Doctor asked, clueless.
"A cartoon show, Dad." Scott replied, sitting down.
Frau Farbissina clicked her tongue.
"That's what you get from watching too much television, son." Doctor Evil admonished.
"It's a good show."
"It's all garbage." Doctor Evil insisted. "Like that show Jerry Springer. They'll let any tin-plated dictator onto there."
"You can say that again." Scott observed disrespectfully.
"Why don't you go play with Mini-Me?" the Doctor cooed. The miniature Doctor looked hungrily in Scott's direction.
"And why don't you go take a-"
Alas, it was never to be known what Scott Evil wished his father to do, as suddenly the Evil Time Machine spun to life. Reality spun and twisted in a whirlpool, or was it more like a soap bubble? No matter, for there appeared a blonde woman of exquisite beauty, none other than the Goddess Callisto.
With remarkable agility, Callisto somersaulted through the doorway of the time machine. Scott and Frau leered while Number Two and Doctor Evil simply glared at her. And Mini-Me seemed utterly fascinated by her.
Quick to her feet, Callisto put on a fighting stance. She sneered at everyone, waiting for someone to attack her, and was somewhat surprised when they all remained dormant in their seats. She focused her attention on the man who was obviously the leader, and spilled forth a barrage of questions to him. "Where in Tartarus am I?! Who are you?! Ho w did I get here?!"
Doctor Evil stood up and kept a fair distance away from the potentially dangerous woman. "You are in my secret evil lair. I am Doctor Evil," He put his evil little pinky to his evil little mouth. "And these are my cohorts, young Number Two, Frau, Mini-Me, and my good-for-nothing son Scott. You came here by means of what I like to call... my tim e machine." He gestured toward his work of art. "Welcome to the 20th century."
Scott rolled his eyes as best he could while staring at the blonde beauty.
"No, this...this can't be! I had Xena right where I wanted her! If it wasn't for that crude, obnoxious, flashy, ...sexy man, I would have had my sweet revenge!"
"You speak of my arch-enemy, Austin Powers!" he reported to her. "We sent him to Ancient Greece where the lack of civilization should soon drive him completely mad!" Doctor Evil laughed maniacally and his colleagues joined him. When he had realized that all that laughing had gotten damn well irritating, he stopped and asked suspiciously, "What condition did his Mojo seem to be in?"
"His Mojo?", Callisto asked in confusion.
"Oh, never mind." Doctor Evil dismissed the subject, pocketing the flask. "It seems that you and I have something in common, Ms...?
"Callisto. Just Callisto.", Callisto answered calmly. She could feel the malevolence in the room and felt quite tranquil in her surroundings.
Doctor Evil felt a tugging at his pant leg, and looked down. Mini-Me gestured at Callisto.
"No, Mini-Me. You can't bite her, either." the Doctor warned.
Callisto walked around the conference table, to find the Doctor talking to a miniature version of himself.
"How delightful!" Callisto applauded. "A little you. How is this possible, Doctor?"
"I had him created in my image." the Doctor said simply, leaning back in his chair. "Do you like him?"
Callisto regarded the small creature, the resemblance was uncanny. This Doctor Evil must be a formidable sorcerer indeed to make such magic. Perhaps there was more to him than meets the eye.
The Doctor gasped as the strange woman's eyes flared into orbs of fire, and then subsided. Everyone else at the table simply stared.
"Tell him if he bites me, I bite back." Callisto warned. The doctor leaned over to Mini-Me and whispered. Mini-Me nodded and took his chair.
"Won't you take a seat?", Doctor Evil motioned toward an empty seat in between Scott and Frau. Scott did his best to look most virile, while Frau put on a suggestive half-smile. Callisto simply ignored the both of them.
Doctor Evil then took a moment to write her name on a piece of masking tape. He then stuck it over another name next to a little red button. 'Just in case she should piss me off', he thought to himself.
"Now," Callisto began. "What do you mean you and I have something in common?"
"It is simple," Doctor Evil responded. "You want this woman, Xena, correct?"
Callisto shifted her eyes back and forth conspiratorially and then settled them back on Doctor Evil. "Yes," she drew out slowly.
"And I want Austin Powers. No doubt this Xena has teamed up with Austin if they both fight for," both he and Mini-Me motioned both of their middle and pointer fingers. "peace and justice."
"And that damned 'greater good'." Callisto added with great disgust. "You've got that right. Are you suggesting I team up with you?"
"Well, what do you say, my dear?" Doctor Evil tilted his head to the side and pouted out his lower lip. "It would be killing two champions with one stone."
Callisto took less then a second to consider that last statement before a sadistic smile came upon her face. "Well, it is a lovely day for a blood bath."
"Indeed." the Doctor agreed, leaning his head back to begin a maniacal laugh. Then he noticed the cold stare from his new ally, and decided against it.
"All right!" Doctor Evil said, getting up. "We will leave immediately. Frau, you and young Number Two will stay here to guard my empire."
"Yes sir!" they both said, but Frau screeched out her words at the top of her lungs. Callisto smiled in her direction.
"Callisto and Mini-Me shall accompany me back to ancient Greece." the Doctor ordered.
"Dad, wait a minute." Scott asked, getting up.
"You are getting to be a real killjoy, son." Doctor Evil tut-tutted. "What is it?"
"You're gonna leave, just like that?" the youth asked. "Why not wait a while, plan a strategy, you know? Bring some big guns? Food supplies?"
Doctor Evil shook his head. Without answering him, he walked over to the coffee machine and drew a cup of coffee.
Seeing an opportunity, Mini-Me crept up towards the strange blonde woman.
"Haaaaaa...." Callisto hissed at him. Mini-Me backed up.
Doctor Evil took a sip. "Son, time is of the essence. I just can't sit around here and wait for Austin to somehow recover."
"Time? Time?!" Scott exclaimed, incredulous. "Dad, you have a time machine! Time has no meaning."
The Doctor shook his head, and walked over to Number Two. "Trust your father, son. It will all become clear. Which is why you are to accompany me."
"Me?" Scott asked, pointing to himself. "Hey, the sixties are one thing, but I ain't going back to ancient Greece."
"Ain't ain't a word, son." the Doctor chided. "That is why you shall accompany us, it will be educational for you."
"Whatever..." Scott shrugged, stepping up on the platform.
"Shall we be going, Doctor?" Callisto asked, tapping her boot.
"One moment, my ally in evil." the Doctor said, handing his cup of coffee to Number Two. "This coffee is terrible, Number Two. Why don't you look into getting us a better supplier, hmmm?"
Number Two's single eye lit up. "I'll get right on it, sir! You won't regret this."
"I hope not, for your sake." the Doctor intoned, stepping up onto the platform. "All right, Callisto. We have to jump into the time vortex, but remember to wait until it is turned on. Ready?"
The Goddess nodded. The Doctor looked over at his son Scott, who shrugged. With Number Two turning on the time machine, the trio jumped into the time vortex. Running up behind them on his little legs, Mini-Me just made it as the vortex snapped shut.
Austin drove maniacally through the town square, narrowly avoiding passersby. Some screamed obscenities at him and others just screamed. Gabrielle and Xena did their best to hold on to their seats as he swerved all about the road. Argo, who had developed a knack for keeping up with them, found a new game out of chasing his car.
"Why...don't...you stop ...at this... tavern?", Xena yelled out to Austin.
Austin turned his head to the back seat. "What tavern, love?"
"That one!" Xena took a hold of his chin and positioned his head in the right direction.
Austin looked in disgust. "That ratty old shack is a bloody pub? What do they serve there? Muddied down water." He laughed at his own joke.
"Actually, it's the nicest tavern for miles to come." Gabrielle replied. "And it has some charming little rooms where two people can have..." she shifted her eyes coyly at Austin. "...stimulating activities."
Frowning, Xena reached for what looked like a lever on Gabrielle's seat, and pulled it. The blonde suddenly reclined into her lap.
"Oh, hi." Gabrielle said, blushing. "I mean for us, of course."
"Of course." Xena repeated, smiling.
"Woo! Shagadelic, Baby!" Austin flashed a smile at Gabrielle and made a purring sound. He parked his time bug next to a wagon and got out. He then swaggered over to Gabrielle and she graciously allowed him to help her out.
Xena waited until Gabrielle got out, and kicked the seat forward. She knew exactly what her soulmate had meant, but Gabrielle's attraction to the strange man wasn't what bothered her. It was her own. Who was this Austin Powers, to have such a pull over them? Was he a demigod, like Hercules?
Gabrielle, try as she might, could not ignore the oh-so-suave man standing beside her. And, best of all, he had all of his teeth. 'Damnit, Gabrielle!', she thought to herself. 'You love Xena! And, after all, she too also had all of her teeth. (Oh, except for the one Najara knocked out.) Handy little method Xena thought up when she began to brush her teeth with Argo's hair.', Gabrielle pondered. Perhaps she'd give it a try. Suddenly she found herself in a hug.
"What?" she asked Xena, as the warrior hugged her fiercely.
Xena released her. "We survived, Gabrielle. Alti's vision, it never came to pass."
"I know." the blonde responded, her eyes watering.
Austin left the two women together, as something caught his eye. "Hello, what have we here?"
He walked over to the front of his time bug, which was now adorned with a new hood ornament. He picked up the round disc, nearly cutting his hand in the process. "Cripes, that's bloody sharp!"
"It's not a toy." Xena warned, coming over.
"Is it yours?"
"Yes." the warrior responded, her eyes gleaming. "That's another thing I owe you for, thank you."
Austin handed it over, and watched her clip it to her sexy belt. Then he wrapped his arms around both of the lovely ladies. They became stiff as boards, and Austin looked from Xena to Gabrielle in a confident manner. "Do I make you horny?" he asked.
Xena frowned at him, and then her expression softened. She looked over at Gabrielle, and chuckled. "Ordinarily I'd break your hands off and give them back to you, Austin Powers."
Austin looked puzzled, but relaxed his grip from them nonetheless.
Xena winked at Gabrielle. "But you saved both our lives today, so I'm in a good mood. The drinks are on me."
They entered the crowded tavern and sat down at a table in front of the bar. A portly barkeeper came up to them to take their orders. He merely humph-ed as substitute for a greeting.
Austin was the first to speak up. "Yes. Hello. What do you have to drink?"
"Ale." the bartender answered back.
"Yes." Austin leaned in closer to him. "But, what else do you have?"
"Ale." He said again with a steadfast stare.
"All right, then." Austin compromised. "Three ales, my good man."
"I'll have an ale, also." Xena added. She looked to Gabrielle.
"Me too." Gabrielle concluded.
Again, Austin looked from woman to woman in confusion. Hadn't they realized he was ordering for the three of them? Perhaps they thought he was a heavy drinker. Sure, he enjoyed a nip now and again, but three mugs of beer seemed a bit too much. After all, he was the designated driver. He canceled the two other beers.
Austin turned to Xena with a big yellow-toothed grin plastered on his face. "So, love...?"
Xena whipped out her sword and held the tip to his neck.
Austin flung his hands up in surrender. "Easy! Easy now."
"Xena, what are you doing?" Gabrielle asked, placing her hand on her shoulder.
Xena closed her eyes, and lowered her sword. "I'm... sorry. I'm feeling a little confused, is all. I overreacted."
"I have that effect on foxes." Austin remarked proudly, lowering his hands. "And you two are foxes. But I won't call you love again. What's your handle, baby?"
"Xena. Call me Xena." the warrior intoned, sheathing her sword.
"All right then, love...ly Xena." He said, gulping. "Um, Xena?" He began again. "What is that round thing hanging at your waist?"
The bartender came with their drinks. Xena looked ahead as her drink arrived. "That would be my Chakram." She shot her eyes back towards him. "In the wrong hands it could be dangerous, my thanks again for retrieving it." Xena swallowed down half of her drink.
"Yes, well, Danger is my middle name." He boasted. "Besides, I have a weapon of my own that's just smashing!"
"Oh Yeah? Whip it out." Xena replied.
"Oh, behave!" With one swift move, he pulled out his gun that was always at his side.
Xena raised an eyebrow at the sight of it. "Looks a little small."
The agent adopted a hurt expression. "It's not the size that counts, it's how you use it!"
Gabrielle took a closer look. "What does it do?"
"Watch and learn, ladies. Watch and learn." Finding a few mugs standing at the end of the bar table, he aimed his gun at them. With three shots, he shot a hole in all six cups.
Xena stared wide-eyed at Austin and his weapon. When he blew the smoke from his gun, Xena reached up and stroked the gun... and his hand.
Gabrielle picked up on her move right away, and slid her foot along Xena's calf. Repeating what Xena had said before, Gabrielle mocked her. "Hey, remember me? Your soulmate?"
Xena abruptly let go of Austin's hand and turned to Gabrielle. "I know." With an apologetic smile, she picked up her lover's hand and kissed it. "Sorry."
"Mm-hmm." Gabrielle simply responded.
Austin stared at their display of affection in confusion. Then he snapped his fingers. "I've got it!"
"Got what?" Gabrielle asked, concerned. "Are you ill?"
"No, I mean I've figured it out." the agent proudly announced, waving his finger back and forth between them. "You two, you're Lesbians, aren't you?"
Xena and Gabrielle exchanged glances, and then looked at him blankly.
"Amphipolous." Xena said, raising her hand.
"And I'm from Poteidaia, not the isle of Lesbos." Gabrielle corrected. "I like islands, but not the trip in getting there."
"No, that's not what I mean." Austin said, scratching his head. "We're havin' a language gap. I mean you two, you're doin' the shagadelic, munching the carpet, that sort of thing."
Xena and Gabrielle did a silent "Oh".
Austin waited.
"I don't think that's any of your concern, Austin." Xena said politely.
Austin smiled at the two women, but inwardly he was quite worried. Was so much of his Mojo gone that he could not even interest these two babes? Gabrielle seemed slightly interested, but every time he tried to get close to her, she'd back off. He had no idea how he was to make it with Xena. And after all, that Frisbee at her waist looked mighty sharp...
Momentarily, a middle-aged woman came darting into the tavern. She was well dressed and her plump frame sprinted all about the room. "Ladies and Gentlemen," she announced. "There will be a festival for the orphans of war and famine tonight. If anyone should like to help participate in it, please come speak to me, Ina."
Xena exchanged a glance with Gabrielle, and stood up. "We'd be glad to help, Ina."
"Fantastic!" the woman enthused, handing her a flyer. "The festival will take place in the town square. See me before dusk." She then shook Xena's hand and left the tavern.
"A charity event?" Austin asked, sipping his ancient brew. "I'm up for that. Cheers!"
"Cheers." Gabrielle toasted, raising her mug.
"To life." Xena toasted, raising hers as well.
Doctor Evil looked around his surroundings. They were now in the ancient past. "Stick close to me, people. If there's danger, I'll know what to do."
"You couldn't fight your way out of a bag, dad." Scott observed.
"Scott, I'm working here, all right?" the Doctor cautioned. "You need my protection."
"Doctor Evil." Callisto interrupted. "You see that hovel over there?"
The Doctor looked to where the Goddess was pointing. There he saw a large but dilapidated building on a hillside. It looked picturesque, yet could use some roof work.
"That's the Sisters of Gaia orphanage." the blonde explained. Then she pointed. "Now you see it..."
Scott and his father jumped as a massive wave of heat rushed past them. The orphanage detonated in a massive fireball.
"...Now you don't." Callisto finished as flaming embers rained down from the sky. Father and son stared at her in shock.
Doctor Evil stepped closer and took her hand. "You're a woman after my own heart, my dear."
Callisto allowed him to lift her hand to his mouth, and kiss it.
"Someday, I might just take it from you, hmmm?" the Goddess noted sweetly.
"Truly." the Doctor nodded, getting the joke. Then he looked around, puzzled. "That's odd. I don't see Mini-Me."
"I uh, think he was the last one on." Scott offered, looking around.
"Then he might have caught the wave from my... time machine, and been sent elsewhere." the Doctor pondered.
"Or even to some other time." the Goddess shrugged.
"But where?" the son of Evil asked, not particularly caring one way or the other about the little nuisance.
Meanwhile...
Cradling his bleeding arm, Caesar confronted the traitor.
"And you, Brutus." Caesar accused. "If not for Xena and Gabrielle breaking out, your scheme would have succeeded. But you failed. You failed, and I live. That you would betray me is the worst crime of all."
Brutus struggled against the guards holding him, but it was no use. "And I would do it all over again, for Rome."
"For Rome..." Caesar repeated, pacing around his captive. "For your loyalty to Rome, I was planning to grant you a coffin."
"Thank you, Caesar." Brutus replied sarcastically. The man's egotism knew no bounds, but he wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of appearing frightened.
"But then I thought," Caesar continued, "I am Rome itself. What is an empire, without me? And is not an assault against my presence an assault against the empire?"
The emperor stopped pacing and locked eyes with his victim. Brutus returned his gaze, and then suddenly looked up. There was a high-pitched whining sound coming from the sky above.
"Crucify him." Caesar ordered, showing just a hint of satisfaction.
"What the @#$%..." Brutus breathed, still staring up.
Caesar frowned and also deigned to look up. If this was some pitiful trick... It was then that he caught sight of what was falling directly at him.
"Ehnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!" Mini-Me screamed as he came down, slamming into the leader of the known world with the force of a meteor.
The assembled guards and senators gasped and stepped back at the spectacle. One moment, Caesar had been standing there threatening a prisoner, and the next, he was dead. Such are the vicissitudes of life. The impossibly small creature slowly sat up on the body, and rubbed his head.
"Release me!" Brutus ordered the guards, who let him go in shock. After quickly ascertaining that Caesar was dead, he addressed his rescuer. "Who are you, great one?"
"Beware the Ides of Me." the small man said in his strange voice. "I am Mini-Me."
The crowd gasped. Brutus helped the little man up, and raised his hand.
"All hail the miraculous liberator of Rome!" he proclaimed. "All hail Mini-Me!"
"Hail! Hail!" the crowd shouted.
Mini-Me took a quick glance around, and then placed his pinky to his lip in what he hoped was an imperious manner.
"Hey, Scott."
"Yeah, Pop." his son responded as they trudged up the hill.
"What did the ancient Egyptians say when they finished preparing a mummy?" the Doctor asked.
"That's a wrap." Scott and Callisto said simultaneously.
"You've heard that one, huh?" the doctor said, pursing his lips. "Just a little ancient history humor, there."
"That joke's old, even in my time." Callisto remarked as they made their way closer to the smoking ruins.
"Just trying a little father/son bonding." the Doctor admitted. "That's why we try to go out on family outings like this."
"I might like the past more if you had thought to bring toilet paper." Scott growled.
They reached the top of the hill. Of the orphanage, nothing was left save ashes and rubble.
"Let's take a look at what's left." Callisto said softly. "If this won't summon Xena and your friend, nothing will."
Scott Evil picked his way through the smoldering wreckage. "Not much left here, Dad. She sure packs a punch."
"Indeed." the Doctor intoned, looking around him in puzzlement. "Still, I don't see any crispy orphans here. What a disappointment."
"Not so fast!" Callisto exclaimed, lifting up a smoldering parchment. "Oooh, this is just too easy."
"What is it?" Scott asked, coming over.
Callisto crushed it in her hand. "Oh, just the location of the orphans, Xena, and Austin Powers."
She handed the notice to the Doctor, who read it. "You're right, this is too easy."
"What?" Scott asked.
"Unbelievable!" the Doctor exclaimed. "The orphans have all gone to a festival."
"A festival for what?"
"For the orphans of war and famine, how sweet." the Doctor replied, looking it over. "The culmination of the festival is... tonight."
"If I know Gabrielle," Callisto began, "she has already p-whipped Xena into attending. And Austin will not be far behind."
"Yeah?" Scott remarked. "What say we crash this party."
"What say." Callisto and the Doctor both said at the same time. They looked at each other, and grinned as only evildoers can. Then Doctor Evil turned to his son.
"Son," he whispered, "what does 'p-whipped' mean?"
"Yeah Baby, Yeah!" Austin cheered, leading Ina through a pirouette. The cheeks of the matronly woman were as red as apples, but she was having a good time.
Xena and Gabrielle watched the dance progress by torchlight.
"The orphans seem to be enjoying themselves." Gabrielle suggested. "They like dancing."
"Mmmm Hmmm." Xena murmured, taking a sip from her cider.
"Hint hint." Gabrielle said sharply. The other woman turned to her.
"What?"
"I was hoping someone would ask me to dance." the blonde said pointedly, rolling her eyes towards the dance floor.
"Oh." Xena said absently, reaching for her pouch. "Here." She threw something to Gabrielle.
Gabrielle caught the object, it was a peach blossom.
"It's your corsage." Xena said, watching the other dancers.
"Aren't you supposed to pin it on?" her date asked.
Xena turned around, and downed the rest of her drink. "Yes, Ma'am."
Gabrielle felt herself warm at Xena's touch, as the warrior took a pin and drew it through her fabric.
"Hold still," Xena instructed, "or you'll end up with a nipple ring."
At last she was finished, and the warrior straightened up and offered her arm to her date. "Will you dance with me, Gabrielle?"
"Always."
'Zeus forbid.' Xena thought to herself, leading the other woman out to the middle of the dance floor. 'I hate dancing, but anything to be with you, Gabrielle.'
"You lead." Gabrielle whispered, lolling her head on Xena's shoulder. "It suits you."
"I'm tired of leading." Xena said softly. "I'd like you to take charge for a change."
"We're still talking about dancing, aren't we?"
Xena kissed her ear. "Mostly."
"Hey, you two!" Austin called, cartwheeling his partner past them. "Get a room!"
"Behave, Austin." Gabrielle chided as Xena spun her around.
"Not bloody likely!" the agent chortled. He turned his attention back to his conquest. "Now where were we, my dear?"
Xena watched him lead her across the dance floor. Her gaze shifted to a pair of orphans dancing, young lovers it appeared. A blonde youth and his girl. Her eyes grew wistful until he spun around, and his face reminded her of her own son, Solan. What he would look like if he had lived to become a man. The youth winked at her and turned his dance partner away.
"Xena?"
"What?" the warrior asked.
"I can't breathe." the blonde gasped, and Xena loosened her grip.
"Sorry." Xena replied. "I was just thinking about how glad I was to have family."
"You surprise me, my dear." Doctor Evil said as he held the goddess close. "You didn't strike me as the dancing type."
"Oh, just observing our prey." the goddess replied, tipping her chin on his Nehru jacket. "Still, it's taking all of my concentration just to mask us from her. I nearly lost it there for a moment."
"But that would spoil the surprise." the Doctor observed. "And I know you're not a party-pooper."
"Not unless it's my party." the goddess said. She leaned her head back to look at her dance partner. "You dance quite well."
"Frau taught me." the Doctor said in his lemony voice. "The fox-trot, the waltz, the hoochie koochie. I still have trouble with the Rhumba, however."
"Such silly diversions." Callisto said, amused. Then she frowned. "Still, I haven't had much fun recently in my life. I thought revenge was the first thing on my mind."
"It isn't?" the Doctor asked, surprised.
"No." Callisto replied, surprising herself. "Fancy that. Going to a dance became more important. Isn't that strange?"
"Not at all, my dear." the Doctor soothed, finding himself stirred by the deadly woman in his arms. "You just relax, and leave the evil thoughts to yours truly."
Callisto chuckled. "Oh, I'm still focused. I want Xena to suffer. What do you have in mind?"
"Key to my plan is Austin Power's Mojo." the Doctor answered truthfully. "He doesn't know yet that it will regenerate by itself. Then my extract will be worthless to use against him."
"Then we don't have much time." the goddess replied, thinking.
"Exactly." the Doctor said darkly. "We must move quickly, before his passion peaks."
"I love it when you talk dirty like that." Callisto sneered, touching her nose to his.
"Gods, Xena!" Gabrielle exclaimed, poking her head out of the blanket.
On the other side of the campfire, Austin laid in amusement as the two women tried to make love under a saddlecloth. The blonde woman exhaled sharply at Xena's ministrations, her breath visible in the cool night air.
"Do you need any help, girls?" the agent called out. "I'm always up for a threesome."
Something soared through the air, and Austin jumped as Xena's Chakram embedded itself in the ground right in front of his face.
"All right, I wasn't in the mood, anyway." he shrugged, turning over. He glanced at his Volkswagen Bug, its colors subdued in the moonlight. "My Mojo is gone, I'll never pleasure the foxes. Now they must turn to each other for companionship. I've failed them, miserably."
He turned back over. "I hope you can forgive me, I'll try to do better tomorrow night."
Another object whooshed through the air, and Xena's sword penetrated the round killing weapon, embedding itself in the ground.
"That's symbolic." Austin chuckled, settling himself down to sleep.
Xena brought herself face-to-face with her lover, and kissed her on the mouth. Gabrielle squirmed under her embrace, until Xena broke contact.
"Xena, you know I hate that." the blonde chided, smacking the warrior's rump. "Especially where your mouth just was."
"I know." Xena replied heatedly. "That's why I do it."
"Tart." Gabrielle breathed, leaning up to kiss her.
Austin tossed and turned as the sounds from his companions grew in intensity. Finally giving up, he decided to get up.
A moonlit walk later...
"Austin?" a soft voice asked, causing the super agent to turn around.
"Gabrielle!" he exclaimed, surprised at seeing the woman standing there. She appeared to be wearing nothing but the saddle blanket.
"Did Xena change her mind?" Austin asked, hopeful yet nervous. He wasn't certain he would be able to handle one ancient chick, let alone two.
"What? Oh, no." Gabrielle shook her head. "You seem... experienced about these things, so I wanted to ask your advice."
"Spit it out." Austin prompted, grinning. This was his area of expertise.
Gabrielle thought for a moment, and then fished a curly hair out of her mouth. "I'm not certain, but I think Xena is... faking with me."
"Faking? With you?" he asked. "Why would she do a thing like that?"
"I don't know..." Gabrielle sighed. "It's like she puts me on this pedestal, like I'm perfect. She tells me I'm her light, her purity, and all of that. It gets on my nerves."
"Maybe she doesn't think she's worthy of you."
"You think so?" the blonde said, looking thoughtful. "Maybe that's why she's not letting go."
"She sounded like she was having a smashing time to me."
"Oh, that's just for show." she said. "I can tell she's holding back. It's like she's trying to please me, but won't let me in. Figuratively, that is."
Austin fingered his medallion. "She's got a complex for sure, all right."
"What is that?" Gabrielle asked, pointing.
Austin held up his male medallion. "Oh, this is the symbol of my Mojo, my sexual prowess. I'd be just a wanker without it."
Gabrielle smiled. "Xena feels that way about her Chakram."
He snapped his fingers. "That's it!"
"What?"
"We've got to make you her Chakram." Austin said with a toothy grin.
"You're not making sense."
"She values her weapon," he continued, "but doesn't hesitate to use it. You need to be like that, to make her see that you're ordinary, yet special."
"It's hopeless!" Gabrielle exclaimed. "I'm her precious one, too perfect to be a real person."
"Have you tried breaking wind around her?" Austin asked. "That works for me."
"Yes." the blonde said sullenly. "This is Xena we're talking about. She acts like it smells like roses."
"You need something to spice up your relationship." the agent suggested. "And I think I've got the right tool..."
Gabrielle looked at him skeptically.
"I think I see a waitress with my name on her." Austin said smoothly, getting up from the table. "If you'll excuse me."
Xena inclined her head, and Gabrielle smiled. Both women held their breath until he had left.
"I thought he'd never leave!" the blonde remarked, sipping her wine. "I feel very strange around him."
"I felt it, too." Xena agreed. "It's like when Cupid's son enchanted us, remember?"
"Is that why I'm attracted to him?" Gabrielle blurted out, and then blushed.
"Me, too." Xena said. "But I don't think the gods are involved. I don't sense the stink of magic about him."
"Well, maybe men are more special in the future." Gabrielle offered, indicating with her finger. Xena looked to where she was pointing, to see Austin leading a very-flattered waitress upstairs.
"Or maybe it's just him." Xena remarked absently, twirling a finger in her ale. "Gabrielle, I was thinking. About us."
"Mmmmm?" Gabrielle managed, surprised. Those were the last words she would expect out of Xena's mouth.
"We averted death in Rome." Xena said softly. "I'm certain of it. We were going to die there, I felt it in my bones."
"I know." Gabrielle replied. "I felt it, too."
"And now here we are." Xena said, leaning back. "Enjoying a drink together in a tavern."
"Yes." Gabrielle smiled.
"I think we got another chance at life." Xena continued. "And I want to run with it."
"What do you have in mind?"
Xena leaned forward, her voice a whisper. "I was thinking about what Austin said the other night, about his offer."
Gabrielle nearly gagged on her wine. Blinking away tears, she recovered her composure. "You mean his offer for a threesome? Xena, you can't be serious."
"No..." Xena shook her head. "Not really."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean getting pregnant by him." Xena said, looking into her eyes. "He could give us a child. Our child."
Gabrielle blinked a few times at the import of Xena's words.
"What do you think?" Xena prompted, looking hopeful.
The blonde took a deep breath and looked around, anywhere but Xena. "I-I don't know what to say. Do you want this?"
"Yes." Xena said, snaking her hand out across the table. "More than anything else. I want a life with you, Gabrielle."
Gabrielle accepted the hand into hers. "Yes. Yes, this is wonderful! Wow, this is quite a surprise."
"I know." Xena agreed, letting go. "I can scarcely believe I'm serious about this."
"There is one little detail." Gabrielle suggested.
"Hmmm?" Xena prompted.
"Don't you have to ask Austin, first?"
Xena smiled. "I think he'd be happy to help. He'd better."
"I hope so." Gabrielle replied. "Other than him, what other candidate is there?"
"If Austin turns us down," Xena continued, dead serious, "we'll have to ask Joxer."
"Joxer?"
"Mmmm Hmmm." Xena murmured.
"He can't even sheath his own sword." the blonde observed, then caught herself. "Wow, did I nail that, or what?"
"Exactly." Xena observed, chuckling.
"I love him like a brother." the blonde noted. "But that doesn't mean I want to have sex with my brother."
"And Austin is easier on the eyes." Xena remarked. "He has a blazing smile."
"And that chest hair!" Gabrielle blurted out. Then she smacked herself. "Oooo, I did not say that. What's wrong with me? I feel like you with Ulysses. "
-Splash!-
Gabrielle wiped the wine off her face, and looked up. Xena was just setting down the bard's glass.
"Sorry." Xena said as insincerely as possible.
"You'll pay for that." the blonde warned, grinning as wine dripped off her head.
Xena bit her lower lip, silently daring her.
Gabrielle lifted Xena's mug of ale, considered for a moment, and then lowered it.
Xena frowned as her companion began some deep-breathing exercises to center herself. 'This calls for drastic measures.' Xena thought to herself.
"Joxer it is, then!" the warrior brightly said. She just had time to close her eyes as a geyser of ale sloshed against her neck.
The pewter mug slammed down on the table, and Gabrielle's greenish eyes glinted like steel. "Austin's going to do it, or else."
"So forceful." Xena chuckled, wiping the fluid away. "Doesn't sound very peaceful to me."
Gabrielle stared at her for a moment, and then realized she had been goading her. "You are so low, Xena."
"Aren't I." the warrior agreed, shrugging. "Just testing your commitment to non-violence."
"Yeah." Gabrielle replied, leaning forward. "Xena, about that."
"Huh."
"After we were captured," Gabrielle admitted, "I came to realize that the way of peace is the better way. But it's just not my way."
"I'm sorry to hear that." Xena lied.
"Oh, come on!" Gabrielle laughed. "You didn't really think my net was an effective weapon, did you?"
"Oh no..." Xena mocked. "I preferred your deadly powder compact. Oooo, scary."
The two women shared a laugh, and then just looked at each other, knowing who and what they were at this moment in their lives. It was a nice feeling.
"I hate to ask this," Gabrielle said, "but which of us shall do the honors?"
"You mean with Austin?" Xena said, reaching into her leather outfit. "I've thought of that."
Gabrielle watched her produce a gold coin. Xena handed it to her companion.
The blonde looked it over, puzzled. Then she recognized the woman on its surface. "Xena, this is you! How did you have a coin minted for you?"
"I didn't." the warrior explained, taking a slow drink. "Iolaus gave it to me. He wouldn't tell me where he got it from, but said he'd tell me one day. Now I'll never get the chance."
Gabrielle's eyes grew wistful as she thought of him. "I can't believe he's dead. You know, I would have liked him to be the choice."
"I know." Xena nodded her head. "Me too."
Gabrielle held her arm out, preparing for the toss. "You call it."
"Heads." Xena said, her eyes locked on the coin.
Gabrielle took a deep breath, and tossed the coin in the air. It flipped several times, and then she caught it and slapped it down on her arm. She lifted her hand up.
"What?" Xena said, leaning forward to see.
"You always get your man, Xena." Gabrielle replied, showing Xena her own profile on the coin.
"Be still my heart." the warrior said sarcastically, snatching up the coin.
"Doing some betting, ladies?" Austin asked, walking up.
"You have no idea." Gabrielle said seriously, trying to keep a straight face as she looked back at Xena.
The super agent sat down, and then made a face. "Just how much have you two been drinking, anyway?"
"Just testing out some new perfume." Xena breathed, and then her eyes narrowed, sensing something change in the air.
Suddenly the tavern door slammed open, and the trio looked up to see Roman soldiers enter the building.
"Be ready for anything." Xena warned their new companion. A simple glance at Gabrielle told her what plan she had in mind should they attack, they had been together so long.
A Roman centurion looked sternly around the suddenly silent tavern, and then produced an ornate scroll.
"Hear ye, hear ye." the soldier proclaimed. "The tyrant Caesar is dead!"
A hushed murmur went through the tavern at the news.
"Yet the glory of Rome lives on." the solider continued reading from the scroll. "Rejoice at the reign of our liberator who fell from the very Heavens, Mini-Me."
While he spoke, other centurions handed out pamphlets to the tavern patrons. Gabrielle quickly stood up to take one, lest the soldier irritate Xena in some way.
The centurion sniffed in her direction, and crinkled his nose. He looked her over, seeing how she was covered from head to toe with mendhi tattoos. "Uh here, maybe one of your customers can read this."
Gabrielle took the pamphlet without comment, turning to see Xena stifling a laugh. "Not a word."
Xena shook her head innocently, watching the soldier pass.
"Did I miss something?" Austin asked.
"The soldier." Gabrielle said, blushing. "He thought I was a prostitute."
"Well, I've had to use my body for Queen and Country time and again," Austin explained, "for the greater good, and all that."
Gabrielle took her seat, and then looked down at the pamphlet. "Who is this person?"
Austin leaned over to take a gander, and his eyes bugged out. "That's Doctor Evil! The one who must have sabotaged my time bug!"
"He's awful short." Gabrielle observed, comparing him to the other Roman leaders in the drawing. "Oh look, there's Brutus."
"If Brutus is still alive, then there may yet be a way to stop him." Xena noted.
"Perhaps the time travel shrunk him." Austin wondered aloud, puzzled. Both women looked at him. "Sorry, I'm not keeping up with the game plan, am I? What about Brutus?"
"Gabrielle trusts him, and that's good enough for me." Xena said, glancing at her companion. "Perhaps he can get us close enough to this Mini-Me, if he is your Doctor."
"That's him." Austin said as they got up to leave. "I'd recognize him in any time period!"
Xena left some money on the table, and the trio made their way out of the tavern, unaware that their movements were being watching by another three.
Doctor Evil lifted his head up, and smiled at his associate. "You were right, Callisto. Xena could sense our presence. She looked right at us."
"Fortunately, I was able to mask our presence." the Goddess intoned. "How delightful it was to spy on them. We must do this more often."
"Yeah." Scott agreed, watching the blonde go. "Wow, her sidekick sure is hot. What's her name, Gabrielle?"
"She's nothing!" Callisto screeched, her eyes flashing hate. "I don't get what Xena sees in her."
"I do." the son of Evil nodded, and then lost his grin at the blonde's expression. "Uh, so what now, Dad? You and Cal gonna take 'em out?"
Doctor Evil appeared thoughtful, and placed his pinky to his mouth. "Far too easy, my son. And far too quick. I have just had an epiphany."
"Ephiny?" Callisto asked, confused.
"No, epiphany." the Doctor corrected. "A revelation."
"And what, pray tell?" the Goddess asked, annoyed.
The Doctor's expression grew dark. "A far more evil revenge than we had planned, my dear. It will be evil plus. Mwa Ha Ha! Mwa Hah Ha! Mwa ha-hack!"
The doctor rubbed his arm where Callisto had just shocked it.
"Don't do the laugh again, please." the Goddess warned. "And tell me what you have in mind."
Gabrielle paced back and forth in the cottage that they had rented. This was bad, this was so not right. Xena would make love to someone other than her. How could she go through with this? How could Xena go through with this? It didn't make sense. And yet... It did make sense. If all went well, they would have a child. A child of their own. Or maybe twins!
Gabrielle smiled at the thought. Suddenly the door opened, and in walked Xena.
"Have you told him yet?" the blonde asked.
Xena shook her head. "I'll mention it."
"Mention it?" Gabrielle asked in exasperation. "Xena, you're going to ask him to uh, what's his word?"
"Shag." Xena replied. "Yeah, I know. I've done it before, it's no big deal."
"Well, it's a big deal to me." the blonde huffed. "You know this is the craziest thing you've ever done."
"Crazier than when I walked into that village stark naked when the Furies cursed me?"
"Yes." Gabrielle replied, folding her arms. "You can't shag Austin, Xena!"
Xena came over to her and placed her hands on her shoulders. "Why, because we're soulmates?"
Gabrielle looked at her.
"It's no big deal because he's not the one I'm in love with." Xena said tenderly. "Keep that in mind. When I'm with you, it is a big deal."
"Thanks." Gabrielle said, nodding her head against Xena's.
"Ooooo, seeing you two carry on gets me randy." Austin said, walking through the doorway.
Xena turned to face him. "Austin, there's something I have to say to you."
"Oh, don't stop on my account." the agent laughed, winking.
"We need to talk."
"Well, there's somethin' I have to say to you two, too." the secret agent replied. "My time bug will only have enough juice for another few days, I'm afraid."
"You're leaving?" Gabrielle asked.
"Like a rollin' stone, baby." Austin replied with a grin. "I'll miss you two, though. I wish you could come with me, but bloody time paradoxes and all that, it's not groovy!"
"We need your help with something." Xena said.
"Well actually, two things." Gabrielle corrected.
"What?"
"Stopping Mini-Me from enslaving the known world," Xena said carefully, "and getting me knocked up."
"Which is harder?" the agent replied, and then busted out laughing. His laughter stopped, however, when he saw their expressions.
"You're serious?" he asked, astonished. "You want me to help... uh?"
"Get me pregnant." Xena finished. "Gabrielle and I want to have a baby together."
"Well I can see the difficulties in that." Austin replied, putting his hands through various acrobatic motions.
"Will you help us?" Gabrielle asked sincerely.
Austin looked back and forth between the women, and his expression grew serious, too. "I don't know. I guess so. All right. Shall it be one or both?"
"Just me." Xena replied.
"Are you sure?" he asked, scratching his chin. "I could do the package deal you know, both for the price of one."
"That's okay." Gabrielle said. "Being pregnant once was enough for me, thank you."
"But how do you know this will take?" Austin asked the warrior. "We might have to do it a number of times, you know, to get a bun in the oven."
Gabrielle looked at Xena with worry. Was this going to turn into a week-long lovemaking marathon?
"Once is all it will take." Xena said confidently. "I sense that it's the right time of my cycle."
"It's always the right time for me, baby." Austin said confidently, puffing his chest up. Then he deflated. "Or at least, it used to be. The problem is my Mojo. I don't know if I'll be able to deliver."
"You have to, Austin." Gabrielle said pleadingly, looking at Xena. "If not, then our choice of suitor is worse than you could possibly imagine!"
Xena bit down a grin as the "Joxer the Mighty" theme song began running through her head. "She speaks the truth, Austin. We need your help, Mojo or not."
"Looking for this?" a voice said from the doorway. Austin immediately turned and drew his gun.
There in the doorway stood a bald man wiggling a multi-colored flask in his fingers.
"Doctor Evil!" Austin exclaimed, as Xena and Gabrielle both stared at the intruder.
"So, Austin Powers." the Doctor intoned with menace. "We meet again, for the last time."
Austin led Xena and Gabrielle out of the cottage. As they stepped out of the doorway, there stood their foes, Doctor Evil, the Goddess Callisto, and a young man.
"Callisto!" Xena exclaimed, sizing up the Goddess. "I'm sorry you got stuck last time, but that's the way it goes."
"I'm glad to be back, Xena." the Goddess replied in that innocent way of hers. "I see you are back, too."
"I must have missed that script." the Doctor whispered to his son. His eyes returned to his nemesis, who still had his gun trained on him.
"What do you want, Doctor Evil?" Austin asked. "Are you trying to blackmail me with my own Mojo?"
"Not at all, my dear nemesis." the Doctor said, pursing his lips. "In fact, we are here to announce that we have had a change of heart. We are here to apologize."
"What?" all three heroes exclaimed at once.
"That's right." Callisto continued, her voice a laugh. "Don't you trust us, Xena?"
"About as far as I can throw ya." Xena said dangerously.
"Sounds like fun." the Goddess replied, licking her lips.
Gabrielle glowered at the other woman's wanton display of lust towards Xena. It seemed everyone wanted the Warrior Princess.
"How can we trust you, Evil?" Austin shouted. "Are you sincere?"
"As could be." the Doctor intoned, adopting an angelic expression. "Callisto and I have learned the errors of our ways, and want to embrace the light."
"This sounds familiar." Xena observed.
"Everyone can reform, Xena." Callisto said airily. "Even you."
"We met a traveling magician." the Doctor explained. "He taught us that violence and megalomania were wrong, and that we should embrace gooshy love instead."
"Was his name Eli, by chance?" Gabrielle asked.
Callisto dinged her finger in the air. "That was him, er, is him. He lingers in my memory like a fiery ember."
"Oh, Xena." Gabrielle said, turning to the warrior. "They've found the way of peace. Maybe we should trust them after all."
"I don't know." Xena said warily. "Remember Najara also said Eli had reformed her."
"But Najara was a nutcake, while these people are.... Oh." Gabrielle finished, looking over the three strange people standing before them. "Never mind."
"What can we do to convince you of our good intentions?" Callisto asked plaintively, hands outstretched.
"Give me back my Mojo." Austin said, lowering his gun. "Then we'll see."
"All right, Austin." the Doctor said, concealing his delight. "You've talked us into it."
The Doctor handed the vial over to Callisto, and her eyes began glowing.
"Hold still, Powers." the Goddess instructed. "My aim has to be perfect."
Austin stood rock still as the Goddess shook the vial of his essence. The vial began to glow, and then melted away into pure energy. Raising the blazing vapors, the Goddess hurled it at his groin.
"Urrggggghhhh." Austin winced, slumping down to the ground. Gabrielle came over to assist him.
"Are you all right?" Gabrielle asked, helping him up.
Austin took stock of himself. "Yeah, I think. I feel pretty pumped up, actually. I believe it worked!"
Callisto applauded happily. "I'm only too glad to help."
"Well, Austin." the Doctor said magnanimously. "I hope we can let bygones be bygones. Put 'er there."
Hesitant, Austin nonetheless extended his hand for the handshake. A handshake that came across the ages, and one that would be remembered for as long as the bards sang of it.
As the Doctor and Callisto turned to consult with each other, Scott approached Gabrielle.
"Hi, my name's Scott." he said, offering his hand. "I'm Doctor Evil's son."
"Pleased to meet you." Gabrielle beamed, shaking his hand.
"I just wanted to say, I loved the work you did in Deja Vu All Over Again."
"Huh?" Gabrielle asked, confused.
"Never mind." Scott said, letting go. "You'll see."
"Well, we've got to be going now." the Doctor said. "Take care all, and remember as Eli says, be good to one another."
Callisto laughed at that. "Yes, be lovey-dovey and all that crap."
As they turned to leave, Austin called out.
"Wait a minute!" he said. "Doctor Evil, is that you who's now the ruler of Rome?"
The Doctor turned. "Oh no, that is Mini-Me. An exact duplicate of me, just 1/10th my size."
"He cannot stay in this time period, he must step down." Xena warned.
"Don't you worry." the Doctor smiled, which was a really creepy effect. "We'll take him back to the future with us on the way out. Goodbye!"
"Bye bye!" Callisto called out.
Puzzled, the three heroes waved goodbye, and then went back inside. Xena closed the door.
"All right." Austin said, rubbing his hands together. "Now that that's all been neatly wrapped up, it's time to get on to my duty."
"Are you sure you're up to this?" Xena asked, concerned.
"I put the grrrr in swinger, baby." the agent coolly replied, now more sure of himself than ever.
"Go into the bedchamber, Austin." Xena motioned with her arm. "I will be with you shortly."
The two women watched him go.
"I want to be there too, Xena." Gabrielle said suddenly. Xena turned to look at her.
"Are you sure?"
"Ha!" Gabrielle laughed, lightly hitting her shoulder. "I watched you and Marcus get it on, remember?"
"You little voyeur, you." Xena smiled, turning. Then she stopped and looked out the window.
"What is it?" Gabrielle asked.
"Whatever happened to Eli, anyway?" Scott asked as they stood outside.
Doctor Evil searched through his Nehru jacket and withdrew a large clump of hair. He turned around to Scott.
"Look at me, I'm Eli!" he said, holding the beard up to his face. "I'm here to teach you love, peace, and happiness!"
"Very good!" Callisto laughed, applauding. "You're such a blast, Doctor."
"No, but Eli was!" the Doctor chortled, and he and Callisto shared their merriment.
Scott watched the two hit it off, and just frowned. Doctor Evil lowered his beard.
"Oh, son. What's wrong?" the Doctor asked. "Didn't you find this trip into the past educational?"
"Yeah." the boy replied. "I learned that no matter what the time period, my Dad's still an ass."
"And proud of it!" the Doctor exclaimed, sweeping him into a reluctant hug. "Callisto, let's get Mini-Me and blow, girlfriend."
And with that the trio vanished in a swirl of fire.
"You see something, Xena?" Gabrielle asked.
"Not a thing." Xena said, smiling. She turned to her partner. "I think they're good people, after all."
"Well then, let's go see Austin."
"I tell you, he bit me!" Brutus hissed to the other senators. "We have made a vast mistake, and I fear Rome will pay the price."
"What do you suggest?" a conspirator asked.
"We must do for him what we planned for Caesar." Brutus continued. "Though it pains me to say this, Mini-Me must die, so that Rome might live!"
"Hold on." a voice said.
Brutus lurched back in shock as a beautiful blonde woman pushed her way through the senators like they were a bunch of beggars. A bald man followed her.
"Great Juno!" Brutus exclaimed, taking in the sight of the man. "It's a big Mini-Me!"
"Hello, I am Doctor Evil." the bald man casually explained as he walked through them. "We're here to pick up Mini-Me, sorry for the inconvenience to your empire."
The senators just stared at each other in confusion as a blue-haired youth also passed by them.
"Dad, wait up!" he called, ignoring the leaders of civilization.
"What do we do now, Brutus?" Senator Vasilicus asked.
Brutus looked in the direction of the strange conspirators, who were making their way to the Forum, and sighed. "Let's call it a day and go watch the gladiators. I've had enough of this."
Mini-Me raised his imperious hand to his mouth, and the multitudes cheered at the sight. All of Rome was there to exult in his ascension, and why not? He was the future of Rome. All the world would tremble at his feet, women would crave his touch, and tyrants and pharaohs would bow before him. Soon all would live to die for-
"Mini-Me." a voice said from off the side of the throne. He turned to see his father, of sorts.
"It's time to come back to the future, Mini-Me." Doctor Evil said softly.
The crowd gasped, and began murmuring amongst themselves.
Mini-Me shook his head, and pointed to the adoring crowds.
"No, Mini-Me. Bad! Very bad!" Doctor Evil admonished. "We must return to our own time, I'll explain paradoxes later."
Mini-Me sighed imperiously, and stood up. The crowd hushed, so that they might hear his godlike wisdom.
"Sorry, my Plebeians." Mini-Me intoned, his tiny voice carrying across the Forum. "Watch out for Visigoths."
And with that ended the shortest reign of Emperor in the history of Rome.
"Say, Doctor..." Callisto began, as they walked away.
"Yes, my lovely dear?"
"Could you give me a lift back to the future in your time machine?" the Goddess inquired. "I have to finish up my season on Melrose Place."
"That was you?!" Scott Evil exclaimed. "I thought you looked familiar."
The Doctor considered the matter for a moment. He and Mini-Me placed their fingers to their lips simultaneously.
"Can they cast me, too?" the Doctor asked, hopeful. "I've been on television, before."
Callisto shook her head. "Mmmmm. I think you'd be better as a director."
"To direct..." the Doctor breathed, his gaze far away. "Yes! It's perfect. Why rule the world, when I can answer my true calling, directing."
"It sounds great, Dad." Scott offered.
Mini-Me offered a thumbs up.
"Ordering people around is all I've ever wanted to do, anyway." the Doctor explained.
Callisto granted him a smile.
The Doctor suddenly looked worried. "Do you think they'll let me?"
Callisto shrugged. She casually flicked out a finger, and gave a passing soldier a hotfoot. The forces of evil watched him hop around on one foot, trying to stamp it out.
"I can be very persuasive." she sweetly noted.
"Indeed." the Doctor smiled. "Let's be off then, and see if Number Two has my coffee ready yet."
"Well, I must be going." Austin said, walking up to his time bug. "Parting is sweet sorrow. Will you remember me?"
Before they could answer, he added with a grin. "Of course you will."
Xena hugged Gabrielle to her in the doorway as they watched him get into his fantastic machine.
"Goodbye, Austin." Gabrielle waved.
"In another life, Austin." Xena said sternly. "And thanks."
"Cheers." he said while shutting the door. Then he leaned his head through the window. "Promise me one thing, though."
"Name it." Xena said.
"If it's a boy, would you name him... you know?"
"We will." Xena promised, sharing a glance with her soulmate.
"When you get home, know that you have a tie to the past." Gabrielle urged, smiling.
"Yeah baby, yeah!" Austin cheered, revving the engine to life. "Glad to help. Be bloody good mums, all right!"
Xena and Gabrielle waved goodbye as the strange vehicle rumbled off, and wondered at the path that fate had given them. They had somehow escaped death, and begun to build a life together.
"That reminds me." Gabrielle said, turning to go back into the house. "Wait here."
Xena waited a few minutes, and then felt a tapping on her shoulder. She turned around, and gasped.
Gabrielle was standing there, topless. Then Xena noticed that there were strange tassels hanging off her breasts.
"Austin gave them to me." Gabrielle remarked, grinning. She then shook, giving them a practice twirl. "He said they would spice up our relationship."
"He did, huh?"
"What do you think?" the blonde asked, grinning.
Xena raised an eyebrow. "The spice is just right. I think I'm ready for the main course, now."
Gabrielle led Xena back inside, and shut the door.
Nine months later...
"Push, Xena!!" Gabrielle yelled, holding her legs apart.
"I am pushing!!!" Xena yelled back. "Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Ahnnn! Ahnnn Ahnnn Ah..."
"I've got it! I've got it!" Gabrielle exclaimed in shock and joy. The baby was so warm in her hands, and she took it out of Xena and laid it onto a blanket. Taking a fresh razor, she carefully cut the umbilical cord and tied it off with a piece of string.
"Is it okay? Is it okay?" Xena asked, trying to sit up to look, but unable to from exhaustion.
Gabrielle spanked the baby, and got a weird squalling cry. "He's all right!"
"He?"
"It's a boy!" the bard-turned-midwife exclaimed with relief. "You have a son, Xena."
"My son..." Xena breathed, laying back on her pillow.
Gabrielle wiped away the blood and fluids from the baby, and swathed him in a blanket.
"Here you are, Mom." Gabrielle said proudly, presenting the baby to Xena.
Xena took the bundle of joy, and held him up to see his face. She beheld a tiny little bald head, and the newborn winced his eyes open to behold his mother.
"Gabrielle..." Xena asked, her voice rising in recognition.
"What?" the midwife said, leaning closer. She looked at the infant's face.
The newborn placed his little pinky to his lips.
"Ah hah hah hah hah ha!!!!" someone laughed from nowhere, and Xena and Gabrielle both looked to see space pucker and distort, as a figure appeared out of thin air.
"Hah ha ha hah!!!" Callisto laughed, pointing her finger at them. Joining her was another familiar figure, Doctor Evil materialized, too.
"Mwa Ha Ha Hah! Mwa Hah Ha Ha!" Doctor Evil belly-laughed, slapping Callisto on the back.
"What's going on???" Gabrielle asked in shock.
Doctor Evil held up an empty vial. "That wasn't just Austin's Mojo that we gave back to him. We added some of my Mojo, too. Ha ha ha!!!"
"Welcome to the family, Xena!" Callisto laughed, already brought to tears.
Doctor Evil and Callisto did a high-five, and then vanished.
Xena looked at Gabrielle, looked at the baby, and then looked at the ceiling.
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