Warning - This is a Parody - Warning

Xena Protest II: The Quickening
by
Ogami

Hello, I'm the Reverend Jerry Falwell, you remember me when I alerted you to the menaces of Tinky Winky and Ellen coming out. Well now, my friends, we are faced with an even more dire threat to our children's well-being, and that is Xena:Warrior Princess.

You may have heard about some folk protesting a Xena episode called The Way. As a result of their protest, that episode has been banned from syndication. My interest was piqued, so I sat down and fast-forwarded through every episode of Xena:Warrior Princess to see what all the fuss was about.

My friends, I was appalled. I was disturbed. I saw much that needs to be censored, and wanted to share my findings with you now.

Egregiously, and in the height of blasphemy, the gods and goddesses of ancient Greece are portrayed as being real. See the pictures:

Ares	Aphrodite

As any God-fearing Christian knows, Jesus Christ the Lord is the only god, and all other gods are simply falsehoods inspired by Satan. For Ares or Aphrodite to be shown as real on this show mocks God, and all those who fear Him. Because of this insensitivity, I am calling for a boycott of all Xena episodes that do not espouse Christian values.

Fortunately, this only leaves three episodes suitable for broadcast. They are Altared States, Giant Killer, and A Solstice Carol. Let me describe these wonderful Christian episodes.

In Altared States, we have the wonderful parable of God testing Abraham by asking him to sacrifice his beloved son. At the end of the episode it seems Xena and Gabrielle saved the day, when in fact it required a Higher Power to stop the sacrifice.

Father and Son	Xena and Gabrielle

In Giant Killer, we revisit the story of David and Goliath. And we learn some additional background material on Goliath. It turns out he wasn't such a bad guy, but was just a mercenary for hire. Be that as it may, it turns out that Xena's timely assistance saved the Israelites from utter destruction.

Gab saves David	Goliath

In A Solstice Carol, we are accosted by that tool of the toy merchants, Santa Cles, but the story ends with a nice mention of the birth of our Savior.

Santa and Friends	Hercules Doll

So these three episodes are acceptable for worldwide broadcast, but all other Xena episodes must be banned for the heathenistic, free-thinking trash that they represent. I will await your petition signatures as soon as my lawyers have contacted...

What's that? I apologize folks, but I have been handed new information, information that I apparently skimmed over in my zeal to bring this to you. Would you look at these pictures from Altared States:

Got one!	Doing it Right

Great Jehosephat! Skinny dipping in an episode about the Lord's work. Well I'll take care of that right quick, Altared States is off the good list. That leaves two. Now as I was saying... Uh, what's that?

Pardon me folks, but I have been handed another scene from Giant Killer, take a look:

Xena and Gabrielle holding hands???! Only a husband and wife can hold hands like this, I am appalled. What is the world coming to, "Hope has Two Mommies"? I will not stand for this abomination. Off it goes!

Well, this has been eye-opening. Fortunately, we still have one episode left, that being A Solstice Carol. At least this episode is as pure as the driven... What?

Folks, look here at this line Xena says: "Gabrielle, you are a gift to me."

Well that does it! Ban 'em all! I stand in solidarity with the protesters of The Way, for whatever it is they are standing for. Call RenPics! Call Universal! Call me!

Thank you for your time.

Warning - This is a Parody - Warning

For purposes of copyright this page is a parody done for humorous purposes only, and is not meant to espouse the views of Reverend Falwell. Although he stands by his comments about the television show "Ellen", he has in fact retracted his comments regarding the purple Teletubby. As for his actual views on Xena, he has not weighed in yet on that particular topic. :)