Disclaimers: This story uses the characters Xena and Gabrielle without permission from MCA/Universal. This story is set during the alleged 4th season comedy A Tale of Two Muses.
Warning: This story is a collection of the standard anti-third season whines, expressed as a sarcastic sneer.
"Yee Ha!" Xena yelled, doing her best boot-skootchin'. Her eyes caught Gabrielle's, who winked at her as she went through her own moves. Somehow, Gabrielle had magically learned to dance, although it was country dancing. If I have to do another rebel yell, Xena thought to herself, I'm going to be sick.
She and Gabrielle went through another dosey-do, and Xena resumed dancing with Autolycus, who was disguised as some sort of holy man. Auto was a good dancer, but she knew the only reason she was dancing with him was so it wouldn't appear that Gabrielle was her dance partner. These stories were getting dumber and dumber. Oh no, she thought, releasing her partner, I'm going to have to do that yell again.
"Yee AyYiYiYiYiYiYiYiYiYi!!!!" Xena cried, vaulting through the air over the heads of the village dancers. "ENOUGH!"
All of the dancing came to a stop, as everyone turned to stare at the woman standing on the scaffolding. Even the cheesy music died down, from wherever it had come from.
Gabrielle was still dancing a little bit to herself, and decided to walk over to the Warrior Princess. "Is something wrong, Xena?"
"Wrong?" Xena repeated, a maniacal look in her eyes. "What's wrong with us? This whole episode is wrong!"
"How so?" Gabrielle asked, as confused villagers started milling about. Gabrielle's left thigh twitched spasmodically, and then her hands started moving of their own accord.
"Stop that!" Xena exclaimed, grabbing the bard's shoulders. She began shaking her back and forth. "Snap out of it! Snap out of it!!"
Xena's exertions seemed to be having an effect on the blonde, so she let her go. Gabrielle put her hand up to her head, seemingly disoriented.
"What happened?" Gabrielle asked, looking around. "Where are we?"
"We're here to help Tara, Zeus knows why," Xena explained, "and help a town learn how to dance, because it will make them nicer people."
"What?" Gabrielle said, still confused. "What kind of stupid plot is that?"
"I dunno." Xena shook her head. "But we've been out of character for about 40 minutes now. Fortunately, I was able to snap out of it."
"Wow. Close one." Gabrielle nodded, glad to be out of her trance. "Did I do anything stupid? Marry Joxer, or anything?"
"Thank the Gods, no." Xena replied. "Oddly enough, Autolycus is in this story, acting pretty much like a cross between Ulysses and Joxer."
"Gross!" the blonde opined, turning around to look for the man in question. "Autolycus! Did you have anything to do with this script?"
The master thief walked up to the two warrior women. "Not me, sweet thing. I'm just here for the thrill, thank you very much."
"What's with him?" Gabrielle asked Xena.
"He's still under a trance." the warrior woman replied. "He thinks he's Elvis."
"Who?"
"An entertainer who lives in the far distant future." Xena explained.
"What does that have to do with us?" Gabrielle asked.
"Nothing." Xena said. "I told you this was a stupid plot."
Suddenly a creepy looking man stepped up onto the platform. He directed a gnarled finger at the Warrior Princess.
"So Xena, have you come around to your senses?" the man croaked. "You see that this town will never give in to dancing."
Xena's eyes narrowed, and she walked over to him. Grabbing him by the scruff of his collar, she pulled him over to the thick gallows pole.
"What are you-"
Xena rammed his head against the post.
He slumped down on the planks like a sack of garbage.
"Problem solved!" Xena said brightly, turning to the shocked villagers. "You all can dance, grow carrots, or do whatever the @#$% villagers do. My mission is done here. Gabrielle?"
The bard was leaning over the body of the fallen prude. Then she looked up at Xena. "You knocked him out! Wasn't that a little over the top?"
"No, it wasn't." Xena insisted, turning to her as the villagers stood there confused. "He was a threat to my mental well-being."
"So, are you just going to go around beating up people like this?" Gabrielle said, getting up. "Xena, you can't do that."
"No, I'm going to thrash people who bring me stupid plots." Xena said. "Think, Gabrielle! How many stupid plots did we have to put up with in the 3rd season?"
"Too many." the bard admitted.
"Exactly!" Xena exclaimed. "You have a demon baby! Two Joxers! I drag you across every rock in Greece! Aphrodite's going to put a diamond in her constellation! And then some lame Autolycus episodes that I can't even remember."
"Hey!" the master knave said, swaggering up to Xena. "Don't be cruel."
"Autolycus!" Xena hotly said. "How much money are you going to earn off this episode?"
The thief-turned-Elvis-impersonator rubbed his chin, frowning. "Well, none."
"You are the king of thieves!" Xena shouted at him, grabbing his phony outfit. "You steal, you profit, you go on to your next target!"
"Yes?"
"So what the @#$% are you doing in this lame episode?!"
A light seemed to dawn over the master thief's eyes, and he turned around. Whipping out his trusty grappling hook, he tossed it at some unseen wall and swung away to parts unknown.
Xena watched as the villagers began line dancing again. They seemed to enjoy what they were doing, but it was making her nauseous.
"C'mon Gabrielle." Xena said. "Let's get out of here."
"Wait!" a voice called, and Xena and Gabrielle looked over to see it was Tara. "What about me, my problems, and my boyfriend? Do we have to start over from scratch?"
"Tara, I don't-" Xena began, but Gabrielle cut her off, stepping in front of her.
"Scratch?" Gabrielle said dangerously, retrieving her staff. "Did you say scratch?"
"Figuratively speaking, of course." Tara said, gulping as the bard stalked towards her. "You're not still mad about last season, are you?"
"Mad?" Gabrielle repeated, reaching up to the side of her head, where part of her ear had been bitten off by the Joan Jett imitator. "I'll tell you what, Tara, about your issues. @#$% you, @#$% your problems, and @#$% your boyfriend! Figuratively in the last case, of course."
Gabrielle watched in satisfaction as the ragged-haired wannabe went running off into an alley.
Xena stepped up to her, carefully placing her hand on the bard's shoulder. "Since when did you get so riled up?"
"Since they turning me into a living doormat last season." Gabrielle growled, whirling to face her. "I'm with you all the way on this, Xena. Let's blow this stinkin' town."
"And Tara?" Xena asked.
"If they make us have another episode with her," Gabrielle warned, "I'll crease her skull with some Amazon hardwood!"
"Now there's the spirit!" Xena brightly said as they left.
Xena and Gabrielle were walking along an unnamed dirt road, when all of a sudden a man came running in their direction, waving his hand.
"Xena!" he called as he reached them. "Thank the Gods! I had to find you."
Xena held up her hand. "How do you know me?"
"Well, I uh..." the man shifted from side to side. "I don't know."
"Alright, what is it?"
"The Persians!" the man cried, hopping up and down. "They're massing at the river of-"
Xena drew her sword and brought the pommel sharply against his temple. His eyes rolled up in his head, and he slumped to the ground.
"Xena!" Gabrielle chastisted, stepping around him as they continued walking. "Killing the messenger won't get rid of the Persians."
"Won't it?" Xena asked. "He was going to bring us into that plot. With him out of the way, the plot won't happen. Remember how we were getting along fine a few years ago, and then an Athenian soldier interrupted our fishing?"
"Oh yes, and that brought on the Horde." Gabrielle agreed, not bothering to check on the twitching man behind them. "We spent the whole episode fighting with each other, instead. Remember when we thought Rifting was disputes like that? Ha."
"And then just last season," Xena continued, "we were getting along just fine, until some jerk came running in just like this one, saying we had to fight the Persians."
"And I spent the whole episode dying as a result." Gabrielle said, nodding. "I think I'm seeing your point."
"It gets worse." Xena said. "This season, I've had premonitions, visions, that we would end up crucified on crosses."
"We do?" Gabrielle asked. "Yuck!"
"Really." Xena said. "I've been wondering how we could avoid such a fate, and I think I've found it. "
"And that is?"
"Avoid any episode that could lead to that." Xena simply replied. "And the problem will attend to itself."
Just then the rattling of armor could be heard coming over the next hill. Xena and Gabrielle both looked up to see the silouette of a familiar figure. He must have caught sight of them too, as he waved at them and began moving faster in their direction.
"Feeling... dumber..." Gabrielle moaned, tottering. "What's happening to me?"
"It's Joxer!" Xena exclaimed, reaching out to her. "Your intelligence always drops in half in any episode that he brings to us. We have to get out of here!"
"Can't..." Gabrielle slurred, falling down to the ground.
Xena tried to pick her up, but she was as heavy as lead. Why was she so much lighter when she rescued her from Dahak last season?
"Ho, warrior chums!" the figure called, closer now.
Xena's quickly unclipped her Chakram, and weighed it for the toss.
"Joxer... He's funny..." Gabrielle slurred, drool spilling from her mouth.
"If I do this, we'll get in trouble with one of the executives." Xena said to herself, as Gabrielle was already out of it. "But then again, maybe he'll star in a series on Fox, instead."
Joxer stopped running, as something fell from his shoulders. The rest of him quickly followed suit.
Xena caught her Chakram, and wiped the blood off on the grass. When she was done, Gabrielle seemed to be coming to her senses.
"Woozy..." Gabrielle said, rubbing her forehead. "What happened?"
"We almost walked into a Joxer comedy." Xena said. "Your IQ automatically drops in half in episodes like that."
"Yeah, I know." Gabrielle said. "When we met his assassin brother in that one episode, I tried to throw a wooden bowl at some iron bars."
"Why would you do that?"
"I thought it was a Chakram." Gabrielle said. "But it bounced off and hit me in the head."
"See what I mean?" Xena said, as they continued down the road. Xena hoped Gabrielle would not look in the direction of his body. She could be so sentimental at times.
"Where'd he go, anyway?"
"He's getting ahead." Xena deadpanned. "Besides, he's already had 19 episodes with us."
Gabrielle stopped dead in her tracks. "19 episodes?"
"Uh huh."
"B-But, that's ridiculous!" the blonde said. "What about other guest stars? Ephiny? Salmoneus? Glaphyra?"
"Lao Ma." Xena threw in.
Gabrielle stared at her.
"Sorry." Xena shrugged. "Maybe in a flashback?"
"Not a chance." Gabrielle huffed. "I know what you two were doing together."
"That's one interpretation." Xena replied. "Our relationship was strictly platonic."
"What did you say?" Gabrielle asked. "Isn't the same said about us?"
Suddenly a tree to their right rippled and distorted, and then disappeared.
"Yeah, I guess so." Xena said. "Why?"
Two boulders off to their left blurred and vanished, leaving dark holes.
"What's happening?" Xena asked, looking around.
"I don't know." Gabrielle said, looking up to a flock of birds. The birds flickered, and then vanished.
"It looks like reality is falling apart." Xena said, concerned. "Our universe is coming apart at the seams!"
A series of hills off in the distance darkened and vanished, shrinking their landscape.
"This is my fault!" Xena exclaimed. "By killing off annoying plot threads, I didn't realize that they were all we had!"
"Great plan, your warrior-ness."
"We've got to do something!" Xena said in alarm. "We need something, an anchor, to hold our reality together!"
"Kiss me." Gabrielle said.
"What?"
"I said kiss me." Gabrielle repeated. "If I'm going to die, I want to go with a kiss on my lips."
The sky blackened and shimmered around them, and Xena realized that their time was almost up. She was going to miss Gabrielle. She leaned forward to kiss her.
Gabrielle met her halfway, and they shared a kiss as the blackness started to encroach around them.
Gabrielle's kiss grew passionate, and Xena responded in kind. She put her arms around the toned shoulder blades of the blonde, and swept her into a full-blown torrent of kisses.
Some minutes later, they separated, and looked around. The sky was back. And so were the trees, the hills, and everything else that one would expect on a day in the Greek countryside.
"We did it." Xena said. "We saved reality."
"How?" Gabrielle asked, wiping Xena's saliva off her mouth. "Just by kissing?"
"Yes." Xena smiled. "By that act, we created a new story. A story that replaced all those other lame ones."
"And that story is about?"
"Our love." Xena said, nodding her forehead against her soulmate's. "And really, is there anything more important than that?"
Gabrielle thought for a moment. But just for a moment.
"No." the blonde murmured, smiling. "Okay then. We've got a lot of plotting to get through, don't we?"
"Yes." Xena agreed, hooking her arm around Gabrielle's. "Come with me. I've got some plot points to share with you."
"Do they involve rescuing kingdoms?"
"No."
"Working with Joxer or Ulysses?"
"Definitely no."
"Then let's go!"
| Go To Top | Back To Fiction | infiniteseeto@yahoo.com |
|---|