At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who
is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager
spoke up and said, "this is fun.  We should have lunch
like this more often."  Not another word was spoken.
We just looked at each other like deer staring into the
headlights of an approaching truck.

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to
cross the street.  I was crossing with an intellectually
challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I
knew what the buzzer was for.  I explained that it
signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded,
appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the
keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to
the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched
from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered it was open.  "Hey," I  announced
to the technician, "It's open!"  "I know," answered the
young man.- "I already got that side."

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase
when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my
name on the back of the credit card.  She informed
me that she could not complete the transaction unless
the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained
that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully
compared that signature to the one I signed on the
receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental,
Health & Safety Handbook for Employees:  "Blink
your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign
on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit
by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a
taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for
"minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in
your baggage without your knowledge?"  I said, "If
it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip
back into itself and for the life of her could not understand
why her system would not turn on.

An elderly gentleman had a serious hearing
problem for a number of years. He went to the
doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a set of those tiny hearing aids that allowed the
gentleman to hear 100%.
 The elderly gentleman went back in a month to
the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your
family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my
family yet. I just sit around and listen to the
conversations. I've changed my will three times!!

Here's a smile for the morning--or evening -- rush hour:

As an older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
                Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290.
Please be careful!"
                "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car.
It's hundreds of them !!!"
 

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.  The husband
liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored
the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself,
"Is this guy blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you
in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."

Moral: NEVER argue with a woman who knows how to read!

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the
wrinkles out of my face.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both
ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.
What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to
slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and
choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize
that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't
need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow
older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to
work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you
find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for
Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.

You're getting old when you wake up with that
morning-after feeling, and you  didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news -
the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac! !

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

Last Will and Testament:

Being of sound mind, I spent ALL my money!!
SOWWwwwwwyyyyy...

NOT!!

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Ever had a 'bad day' with the ole PC acting up???
*S*
How do YOU react to it???

Could it be something like THIS....

Now surely NOOOOO one ever really DOES that?!?

LOL

Yuh right...

*S*
HI!! I hope you're enjoying my 'funny pages'!! *S*  I sure am having fun making them!!
If YOU have a 'funnie' - please DO send it to me by email!!
I'm always looking for NEW sources of REAL humor that can be shared!!
Please sign the Guestbook below and let me know!!
All emails are welcomed from people just like YOU!

Take care!!
:)
Irishgrrl

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