Standard Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not my creation and the characters
mentioned belong to their respective creators... ^^; The twisted storyline,
however, belongs to me. ^-^ Ahh.. well, this is just a short look into
Duo's *real* thoughts (at least how they look to me...) ^.~ I can be reached
at thirteenth_lore@hotmail.com, enjoy!
--Thoughts--
It's a darkness eating at me from the inside...
Casting the world into black and white, while I'm pretending to
try and see the shades of gray...
Where am I?
Who am I?
_What_ am I?
A soulless bastard without a name... an infestation of pure
undiluted Death. Meat for those immoral crackpots swaggering down dark
alleys, a tool used in the course of a game. I am everything... I am
anything. I am something, yet I am nothing.
I'm hiding myself behind endless barricades of faceless masks,
withholding the truth which my alter ego swore to sustain. These blank
and laughing masks... who are they? Joking, laughing, flippant, easy-
going... I'm seeing doubles in my mind... rows and rows of self-images with
those masks plastered upon their faces. Who are they? Who are you? Who
am I?
I don't know them...
I don't know myself.
But where am I? I seem to be looking out from my eyes, but it's
from underneath one of those faceless masks... Another false persona that
lets everyone underestimate me. Only it's not me they're seeing... it's
not me who they know...
It's another facade, one of many that conceal me. One that
entrusts secrets as easily as it can come to know. Another face which
smiles all too often and laughs without any reason why; another mask
that reflects all the meaning of human life... revealing nothing of the
emptiness inside.
It's the shadows of the day that no one really notices, it's the
darker side of happiness no one really cares to find. Where am I?
I am here.
Ever present, beneath the flawless beauty of countless
constructions... all designed to deceive and mystify. I am lurking behind
that glass-cut brilliance of guileless violet, dark and haunting. I
echo behind every slow and thoughtless movement, sinuous and fluid. I
live within that seemingly oblivious mind, empty and all knowing. I
understand what is Death and what is Life. I am Dead. I have Died. I am
Death.
I can't understand my own masquerade... why I choose to try and save
others who can't be saved. Like I can't be saved. Like how I can't be
saved... except, rather than me, they are still Alive.
That's all that matters... why is it that it's all that matters? I
can't feel anything but a vast barrenness within my very core... where my
false image's heart, my unknown soul is suppose to be. What are these
emotions my doubles are portraying? Why does loyalty and honor inspire
such determination and reckless strength? I don't understand, I can't
understand, but I won't stop the facades from reflecting those
emotions... so that the others stay deceived.
What is my purpose in this human chess of war? To reap carnage, to
promote destruction, to spread chaos into the lives of the guilty and
innocent... to act as Death, as I am. But sometimes I find my logic
irrational... finding it to be buying into this meaningless illusion
like the others. I find myself drifting aimlessly, recalling myself in
an endless cycle... in this loophole of repeating darkness...
Where am I?
Here, locked in eternal, freefalling vacuum... surrounding by nothing
but my own darkness and emptiness? Or am I really what I pretend to be,
a smiling clone from which I had hid behind, throwing myself headlong
into the wild insanity of true humanity? The lines drawn between fantasy
and reality are so thin... what I portray myself is starting to seem to be
what I am... but it's not... isn't it? I find myself over and over... in the
shadows of my own reasoning and logic... but its warped reflection is
insisting that I'm something I never was... was I?
Who am I?
Everything? Something? Anything? Nothing...? A broken toy, an
incarnation, the essence of final darkness? Wasn't I undefined? I was
everything humanity isn't, something inhuman, anything that one could
think of... yet nothing in reality. Why am I seeing these wide mirthful
grins etched behind my lids...? Hearing silent laughter echoing endlessly
through the nothingness of my domain? Am I truly human? Someone who
could feel and understand the reason for the intensity of humankind?
What am I? Just what am I? Who I was, or what I'm pretending to be?
I am locked-spiraling-lost in dark madness, conflicting
conclusions-confused, condemned, and tortured, searching for a reason.
Any reason, every reason, just one-some reason... while there is no
reason. No logic to my warped existence-I'm just a wraith Sealed behind
a mask. Wasn't that what I am? Or is this a dream? Am I just a
hallucination of my human mind's wild fantasies? No... I'm not human...
aren't I?
What am I? I want to know... What am I?
Who am I? I wish for a definition to my existence... Who am I?
I am always seeing replicas of faces row after row... Smiles
drifting loosely, words threaded with my unknown name, I can feel a
passion that isn't mine... emotion that I'm *incapable* of acknowledging.
This isn't me... it can't be... so why am I hesitating? Why am I wondering
whether I am falsehood or reality? Indecision is a _human_ thing to do.
So, what am I?
I will be locked into this repeating loophole, trying to define...
to justify myself.
Is this what the others mistake for thoughtlessness occupying my
reflective eyes? I can see each of them... turning... from beneath the
prison of my vigilance. Yet they won't help identify me for what I am...
They have never seen that side of me. The true side... or an unreal side?
The side which labels all into black and white, seeing no shades of
gray... It is me, isn't it? That's what I always was deep inside... wasn't
it?
What am I? The whispers shift continuously through my mind.
Who am I? Neither black void, nor masks gives me any answers.
The litany repeats itself over and over, struggling to latch
onto a reply... and finding none.
'I' will wander forever.
What am I?
Who am I?
_Where_ am I?
(
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geocities.com/ironic_balance)