Part 24
Janet tilted her head when Jack made no response to her words. With a soft, coaxing voice, she said, “Jack, did you hear me? These results are..”
“I heard,” he said, motionless. He didn’t even appear to be breathing. He certainly wasn’t blinking and his face was so stony that Janet barely recognized it. She blinked and lowered her gaze, unable to look at him any longer, knowing that it was her news that had devastated him like this.
The two remained in stock silence for a few long moments, then Jack said, his voice weak at first but growing stronger, “My results. So you’re telling me .. I have it? I have this disease?” After a beat he lifted his face and stared straight into her eyes.
She caught her breath and all she could do was nod. Sitting there, she watched the life drain from his eyes before her. Swallowing past the lump in her throat she hoarsely, “I’m sorry..”
Jack's mouth twitched like he was going to say something, then an emotion flitted across his features so fast, Janet didn’t recognize it. Now, as he turned his face down and leaned back in his seat, his arms still outstretched to reach the desk, he said, barely louder than a whisper, “Philip will never forgive himself.”
Janet bit her lips together when she heard that. She reached across the desk and held his hand, which was gripped into a fist and now icy cold. “Jack,” she noted the first stages of shock within him. She rubbed his hand, trying to get his attention. “Colonel?”
He blinked, for what might have been the first time since she delivered the bombshell, and then he focused on her. “You know I can’t authorize you to go on this mission. You understand that, don’t you?”
A frown creased Jack's face and he said, “They need me.” He coughed to clear his constricted throat then looked away, realizing how moot that statement was.
“You’re not fit enough to go,” she told him regardless as she gave his hand a slight squeeze.
“Of course I’m fit enough!” He spat then cringed and clenched his fist tightly while slipping his other hand out from beneath hers. She sat back in her chair and laced her fingers together. She didn’t need to say it. She knew he knew perfectly well what she was talking about – and it wasn’t just the physical fitness, Jack was taking this news badly (though better than she’d anticipated, if truth be known). He needed time to adjust to the news.
“They need me,” he muttered again, almost as though he knew he’d lost that argument.
“And you need time,” she told him simply as she reached for her phone. Jack's hand slammed down on the receiver hard, cutting the call before it could be placed. She stared at him with wide, surprised eyes. Lowering the phone back onto the cradle, she said, compassionately, “Due to the immediacy of this mission, Colonel….” She left the sentence there. His gaze, which had shifted to follow the replacing of the phone, focused onto her again; now he seemed to watch her, size her up, see her determination and inability to be bullied into letting him have his way.
She added, “And considering the state Doctor Jackson and Lieutenant Darryl were in following the last time you gated to this world.. well, I can’t in all consciousness, let you walk into that Jack. You pose too big a threat to your teammates well-being.” Hanging her head remorsefully, she added, “ I’m sorry..” She sighed heavily. It was never easy saying things like this, least of all when it was to such a good friend, and someone intelligent enough to know that not only could this mean an end to a career – one he had excelled in – but he was facing a very bleak, and painful future.
He made a sound – something like a cough, or it might have been a growl, but what ever it was, it made her look back at him. Reluctantly he nodded and pointed quickly to the phone. She almost heard him say, ‘make the damn call’, but she knew he hadn’t spoken. Still, she picked up the receiver and placed the call to Hammond. She ‘did not recommend Colonel Jack O’Neill for this mission’. She ‘would file a full report first thing in the morning’.
Putting the phone down, she watched the dismayed man closely. He’d slunk back into his chair, turned slightly from her and he now wrung the baseball hat in his hands roughly. She waited, silently and patiently, letting him make the first next move.
It seemed like hours, but it wouldn’t have been more than seconds. Unable to abide the silence any longer she got up and went to her cupboard. A sound of a tin lid being scraped open was immediately followed by the chink of glass on glass and a faint glugging sound. She replaced the lid then turned and stepped over to him, waving a glass of whiskey before him. He lifted his eyes to look up at her and she told him, “Doctor’s orders.”
Taking the drink, he turned in his seat once more to face her. She stepped between him and the desk, and leaned back with one hand in her pocket of her white coat, the other held a smaller shot of whiskey.
They remained solitary as they sipped the fine malt, then Jack asked, in a hoarse voice, “Now what?”
She inhaled a deep breath, only now realizing that her own breathing had become shallow as she waited for his next words. Twisting to put the glass behind her, she said, “”I’m sorry Jack, but I’ll have to put this on your record.”
“Tell the General?” His head shot up and for the first time Janet saw a level of fear in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” she told him again.
The distraught man growled and rubbed his free hand all over his face as roughly as he could. “Are you sure?” When he saw a question in her eyes he clarified, “About the test results?”
Nodding, she tucked her other hand into the other pocket then said, “Although the tests are not infallible, considering you are in a physical relationship with an HIV positive person I’d say that the chances are pretty high.”
He blinked slowly then said, “Ah,” before biting his lips together and lowering his chin to his chest. “Only, I’ve heard that you can have false readings..” He said, sounding a little hopeful as he lifted his face up once more. When he saw the look in her eyes, he stopped talking. “Yeah,” he sighed softly and looked away again.
“Jack, that’s usually a case of a positive person showing up negative, and even if it was the other way around, your T-cell count is so low, it’s like someone who’s had HIV for a while…”
His jaw dropped open. “I’m.. *that* .. sick?” His brown eyes darted around, not fixing on anything for long before moving off to someplace else. “I don’t feel that sick?” Looking up at her once more he said, “In fact, I don’t feel sick at all!”
“Jack,” she said cautiously.
“Maybe it’s not HIV at all? Maybe it’s some alien bug inside of me?”
She closed her eyes a brief second then bemoaned, “Jack!” once more.
He stopped rambling immediately and got to his feet. Pacing the small office he said, “If it’s that low, why the hell didn’t you pick it up earlier?”
“All your previous results are clear!” She turned and picked up his folder, holding it out to him.
He looked at it then turned and muttered harshly, “I don’t want to see the damn thing! They must have been wrong!”
“How have you been feeling lately?” she asked benignly, already knowing the answer but wanting to hear it just the same. It might help him to realize the symptoms he’d experienced for the past few weeks were indicative of the first stages – known as seroconversion (the antibody development period) of the disease HIV.
“Ah,” Jack said, raising a now trembling hand to his face to wipe across his mouth. “I’ve had the flu… as …..you… know….” He looked at her and knew that *that* was a classic symptom. Rolling his eyes now, for it finally hit him – hard - he continued in a shaky voice, “Ugh, flu… headachy, tired, fever, sore.. sore throat.” He touched his hand to his throat as he spoke.
Looking to her like he might pass out, Janet quickly crossed over to him, and with a guiding arm across his back, led him to his chair. He fell heavily into it and curled up into a ball as he covered his face. She patiently waited against the edge of the desk for him to gather himself together.
“Do you think I might have infected Daniel?”
She frowned. “How so?”
“During that last mission?”
“No,” she said then shrugged. “He went into a sarcophagus, didn’t he?”
Jack remembered that and nodded, grateful for the first time in his life that Daniel had spent time in one of those things.
“How long do you think I’ve had it then?” When he saw she really didn’t have an answer for that, he shrugged and said, “Ball park figure?”
“It’s hard to estimate, Jack. All your other results have been negative, however you have low T-cells and the amount of virus in your body is quite high.”
He shook his head. “How did this happen?”
“People can test negative for up to three months – sometimes six, Jack..”
“No, I.. I meant.. how.. did I get this? Phil and I have be *so* careful!”
Janet was silent a moment then said, “Accidents happen.”
He looked at her quickly – recalling that Daniel had said that very same thing the day he found out that Philip had the disease. Covering his face, Jack growled and rocked in his seat.
“Can you think of any time in the recent past that you might have contracted it?”
Jack shook his head – for he could not. Sex was so very rare, and quite recently Philip had stopped all deep kissing. Suddenly Jack lifted his face and pointed to his cheek.
“If Phil had.. I don’t know.. something wrong with his mouth.. and we.. kissed?”
Janet closed her eyes. She knew, because Philip had told her quite plainly how much he avoided Jack in an effort to prevent this very thing from happening, and now it would seem that it came down to just kissing. “Philip has recently developed mouth ulcers..”
Jack closed his eyes. “Which is why he’s been paranoid about us kissing.. Jesus!”
“Jack?”
With a derisive laugh, Jack shook his head and growled. “And I thought he just wasn’t interested in me anymore!”
“I don’t think you could be further from the truth,” she told him gently. He looked at her. With a slight shrug, she confided in him, “I shouldn’t say this, perhaps, but Philip has always been worried about infecting you. He’s told me a little.. “ She lowered her face, unable to meet his eyes as she confessed to knowing intimate things about him and his love life that would surely make Jack blush. “A little about how he’s been behaving lately.”
“I thought he was just not interested,” Jack groused, realizing how wrong he’d been.
“You understand now it’s all to do with the disease? His mood swings, his seemingly illogical behavior?”
Jack nodded then said, “God help you all when I reach that…” /stage/
He stopped abruptly and looked at her, catching the tears forming in her brown eyes. Hastily she looked away from him then got up and walked around to the other side of her desk.
“You need to talk to Philip,” she said, sniffing and then coughing to clear her throat. Meeting his eyes again she told him, “Between the two of you, you probably know more about this disease than I do.”
Shaking his head, Jack said, “He’s not to know.”
“You’re kidding?”
Adamantly shaking his head this time, he said, “No. He’s never to know.”
“Jack, I strongly recommend against this..” She caught her words then frowned at the ludicrous notion. “In fact, if I have to, I’ll order you to discuss this with him. You both need to go through this together!”
Emotion boiled within Jack now and he continued to shake his head. “No!”
“Jack!”
“NO!” He clenched his hands into fists by his temples then he started to pace. Throwing his head back to stare up at the ceiling he said in a voice that was a mixture of pain, confusion and tears, “This would kill him!”
“He’s going to start to notice..”
Jack looked at her, his eyes narrowed. “Not if I can help it.”
“Jack, your results show a startling development. I think the gate travel has actually accelerated the disease within you.”
“How?”
“Well, take your hair for instance. Do you remember when you asked me about it, and I said that it was probably a chemical reaction within your own body that sped up the graying affect…?” She watched him nod so went on, “I think that Gate travel might be increasing this disease. That’s why it didn’t show up last month but this month you’ve got the results of someone who’s had the disease for over a year…”
Raising his hand, Jack scrubbed his thumb and forefinger into his eyes as he sighed, then blinked hard as he pulled the hand away. After staring at her for a long moment he went back to his chair and sat down heavily. “I’m going to lose my damn career…” He laced his fingers behind his head and squeezed to ease the throbbing headache, which was starting to work it’s way up his neck and behind his eyes.
Janet frowned at that odd thought. “Well,” she told him, “not necessarily.”
He sat hunched over, his elbows resting on his thighs. Rolling his head back, he looked up at her. “Ya think?’
“While I don’t recommend any future gate travel for you Jack there’s no reason why you couldn’t still be involved in the project…”
“Pushing papers around a damn desk all day?” He snapped. She pursed her lips and shrugged – it was still a career! “Forget it!’ He said, waving his hand at her.
“For the moment only, Colonel!” She said doggedly. “General Hammond is past retirement age and when he goes, this base is going to need someone like you at the helm.”
Jack stared at her and slowly an incredulously smile crept across his face. “Are you out of your mind?” He laughed derisively. “I’d rather retire!”
“You can’t possibly mean that?”
“Why the hell not?” He threw his arms wide, his voice taking on the edge of cold sarcasm again.
“What would you do?”
“Fish!” Jack announced grandly. “Phil and me. In the little cabin by the lake.” He got up, and his eyes were bloodshot and watery, and his face blotchy and red. “With nothing to do but have *sex* all day!” He looked and saw the surprise in her eyes. Wagging his finger at her, he went on to say, “Now, we can now, you see. What’s to stop us? The damage – as they say – is done!”
He slammed his hand down against the cupboard where the bottle of whiskey still remained. Suddenly, with a violent sweep of his arm, he cleared the top – papers. knick-knacks and the bottle went flying, falling to the ground in a loud, smashing heap.
Tears filled Janet’s eyes as she watched him clenching his fists and trying to control his rage. His whole body shook – even from that distance she could see it shaking. His hand was opening and closing, every vein on his arm and on the back of his hand stood angry against the surface of the skin. Suddenly she saw him lower his head and his shoulders began to quiver. She squeezed her own eyes tightly, displacing the trapped tears, then she rubbed them away as she went over to him.
“Come and sit down, Jack,” she cooed gently as she guided him back to his chair once again. He covered his face but she didn’t think he was crying, even though his body shook.
After a long while, he looked up. His eyes looked raw, but they were dry. His face was pale and it made his eyes stand out even more. His mouth was dry and no amount of wetting his lips seemed to alleviate the sluggish feeling within. Quickly he stood, reached for the glass on the table and downed the remainder of whiskey inside. Turning to look at the mess in the corner he said, quietly, “I’m sorry.”
Janet nodded but said nothing. He faced her now. “I’m.. “
“I know.” she assured him gently as she touched his arm. “I understand!”
He nodded, dumbfounded, and then turned to look behind him, almost like he was lost. Carefully he sat down and wet his lips once more, this time the whisky helped.
“Your idea was a nice one,” he said in quiet conversation, then shrugged, “but they’d never give me a command. Not anymore.” He pursed his lips and raised his brow quickly, fixing her with a wry look.
“They might..”
With a sardonic smile, he said, still in soft tones, “you put those three little letters on my file and I’m out of here – whether I like it or not. That ‘don’t ask – don’t tell’ just wouldn’t even come into it!”
“You know I have to report this,” she said regretfully. “I have no choice.”
He met her gaze for a moment then lowered his eyes; his brown lashes curtained them. “I know.”
Picking up her pen, she flipped open his file then said, “I’m going to recommend you take some time off.”
He snorted but said nothing.
“You should go home to Philip. Tell him about this. Discuss it between you.” She started writing in his file.
“No.” He said, rolling his eyes to look away.
“Colonel, please..”
“Janet!” He beseeched her now.
“Go home!”
“No, I .. I can’t. Not while.. while my team is out there. I wouldn’t get any rest!”
“I understand. I’ll permit it, but I can’t say what General Hammond’s reaction will be..”
He sighed and nodded. “I just want to see that they get home – in one piece.”
Janet smiled kindly at him then wrote something else in his file before shutting it and laying her hands on it.
“Is there anything else you’d like to talk about?”
He looked done in. Wearily he shook his head then got to his feet. She arched her throat to look up at him.
“May I suggest you at least got o your quarters to rest? We’ll send someone to you if any news comes in.”
Jack nodded sluggishly. As he reached the door he turned to face her again. “Oh! If you don’t mind, would you please tell Sam for me?”
Janet caught her breath then nodded. “If you want me to.”
“Yeah,” he said softly. “I think it would be better coming from you. I’ll handle Teal’c and.. and..Danny.”
Janet knew that this was going to be one of the hardest things he ever had to do. Entrusting Sam to him meant that he was well aware that the news would upset the Major and he wanted her to be in an environment where she could be comforted – it was understandable that he didn’t think he could provide such an environment.
Looking lost once more, Jack stepped around the chair then leaned down onto it. “Will you do it as soon as you can? I don’t want her to be in the dark..”
“The first opportunity,” Janet agreed. He patted the back of the chair then nodded and straightened up.
“Thanks, Janet.” He looked at her. “I mean that.”
“I’ll be here if you need me for anything. I’ll talk to the General and we’ll see what he has to say about your duties from now on. For the moment I’ve put you on light duties. No doubt you’ll know when he wants to talk to you about this.”
Jack arched his brow quickly as he muttered, “No doubt.”
From her chair behind her desk Janet watched the shattered man leave her office. Slowly she got to her feet and went over to the corner to pick up the pieces he’d scattered everywhere.
Stories on this page are the property of Nessessitee and Slida. Please do not copy these without the written permission of the Author. All Rights are acknowledged for MGM, Gekko and Stargate Productions as to the Copyrights of the characters within this story and no infringement on the copyrights are intended. For the Bombshells Series the character of Philip Simmons is entirely the creation and intellectual property of Nessessitee and Slida.
While the performances given by RDA and MS help to fuel the author's desire to write for their characters in a niche that she feels is present on the actual show, the portrayal of their characters in loving relationships in no way reflects the Author's opinion of the men's private life, nor should it be construed in that manner.
WARNING: While the descriptions in this story (this part and certainly the ones to come) are based on FACTS and thorough research, and all effort has been taken on my part to represent this disease as factually as I possibly can - please do not take the symptoms as *gospel*.
This is – above all things – a work of fiction and I don't want to be responsible for putting fear or ideas into people's minds. Ta Muchly! ~ Slida