Part 26
Jack had been allowed into the Debrief but he didn't exactly pay attention to it. He kept going over, in his mind, his phone call with Philip. The relief he heard in Phil's tired voice shamed him, and made him regret his actions and selfishness for the past fifty odd hours.
When Philip asked how the mission went Jack told him it was a success. When Philip asked if anyone was hurt, Jack assured him that no one was badly damaged. When Philip told him he loved him and been so worried about him - too worried to even sleep- Jack closed his eyes and sank to his seat, covering his face.
"Colonel?"
Jack's eyes fluttered and then shifted to look at the red-faced General.
"Sorry," he said in a quiet voice. Looking around the table he saw that everyone was watching him, concern filled most faces. "I'm sorry," he repeated again. "What were we talking about?"
Janet bit her bottom lip as she saw him struggle with his inner demons. She was the only one in the room to know what was distracting him and as she watched Hammond's small, beady blue eyes grow sharper with rage, she wished she'd at least had the opportunity to tell him.
Jack propped his heavy head up with his hand and tried to concentrate as Martouf repeated his side of the mission report.
From the other side of the table, Daniel watched his friend with great concern.
*
After they'd seen Martouf and Jacob leave through the gate Hammond turned to the man on his right and said, "I'd like to see you in my office Colonel!" His tone was not compassionate.
Again the odd behavior had not gone unnoticed by the rest of the team but Jack gave them no insight. Instead, he hung his head, jammed his hands into his pockets and shuffled off up to Hammond's office.
*
In the elevator to the surface Daniel ran into Jack. He didn't speak to him as there were others in the small elevator, but as they headed across the parking lot Daniel looked over at his withdrawn friend.
"Guess you're probably in a hurry to get home?"
The tired eyes shifted to look upon him. Solemnly Jack shook his head.
"Oh?" The golden brows rose higher than the frames of the glasses. "You, uh.. you wanna go.. do..?"
"Daniel," Jack said, as if not even hearing his friend's clumsy attempt at an invitation, he tilted his head and asked, "Wanna come back to my place?"
Daniel's jaw shifted as he ran his tongue over the tops of his back teeth. Jack saw this hesitant reaction and dismissed it with a few words, "I need to talk to you.. about.. something."
The younger man frowned. "Okay."
*
By the time Daniel had reached Jack's place the older man had the chance to change his clothes, adopting a more causal look with jeans and gray sweater. Daniel noted, absently as he entered the house, that he had never seen Jack in that top before and he wondered if it was a gift from Philip at some point in their lives. Looking around the quiet house, he also noted that Philip was no where to be seen.
"Beer?" Jack asked.
"Ah no." Daniel held up a bottle of cola and the older man took it to the kitchen to get a glass.
As Daniel stepped down into the living room - lit by one lamp in the corner, the flickering of the television and the fire in the hearth - he asked, casually, "No Philip tonight?"
"No." Was all Jack said when he appeared, moments later, on the top step while Daniel was still on the second to bottom one.
The younger man felt his closeness and turned to look up at him. Taking the proffered glass he simply said, "Oh," but made no further comment about the strangeness of that, before he side stepped across the front of the sofa and took his place at the end closest to the fire. Sitting forward, he pushed the sleeves of his cream colored cable-knit sweater up to his elbows before leaning onto his thighs. He watched as Jack sat in the single chair opposite him and bounced a half-full bottle of beer on his bended knee.
"You .. ugh.. you okay?" Daniel asked, unsure how to begin. He was no fool though. There was something definitely upsetting Jack, the black circles under his eyes nowhere near as much a clue as the tightness that his mouth was pulled into had been.
Jack breathed in deeply through his nose as he raised the bottle to his lips. As he clasped his lips around the head of the neck his eyes collided with Daniel's concerned gaze. Dropping the drink and licking his lips quickly, Jack said, "No."
Daniel nodded and pressed the tips of his fingers together as he lowered his gaze.
"I've been pulled from the team."
The words hung between them momentarily before Daniel's head snapped up and he frowned. "Pardon me?"
Quirking his brow, Jack appeared to concentrate on the bottle against his knee once more. "That's it," he commented in a tight voice before lifting his gaze to meet Daniel's again. "I'm off."
"You quit?" Daniel's voice rose.
"I was retired..." Jack corrected him quietly then sucked back another large mouthful of bitter liquid.
"Retired? Why? What the hell's going on Jack?"
The brown eyes closed and Jack swallowed. His heart raced and he knew it was the perfect time to announce it, but as he looked up into the bright blue eyes once more, words suddenly failed him.
A cascade of emotions charged across Daniel's face; from concern to confusion to surprise. With a perplexed, and somewhat worried, smile he asked, "Is it something to do with Phil?"
The gray head jerked in some attempt of a shrug, but Jack made no verbal comment.
"No!" Daniel said quietly, realizing his own mistake. Pointing across the room at Jack, he said, "you said you were retired... not that *you* retired.."
Jack lifted his eyes once more. Again he watched as emotions flittered across Daniel's mystified face. With a small nod, Daniel said, "I'm right, aren't I? You didn't leave .. us.."
Jack swallowed as he shook his head.
"You were forced to go.." Gradual realization made Daniel's words come out slow. "And whatever made you leave..." - He dipped his face and a compulsive, nervous smile danced across his lips before fading out - "You're not happy about?"
Jack merely blinked, but Daniel knew him well enough to know that he was exactly right.
"They've found out, haven't they? They've found out that you're gay..."
Closing his eyes, the older man turned his face slightly and didn't see Daniel jump to his feet and pace in agitation.
"The bastards..." The anthropologist hissed.
"No, Danny!"
"Jack, this is *not* fair!" Daniel's eyes were wide and wild, and his throat was red with rage.
"Danny!" Jack yelled when the younger man continued to prattle under his breath.
But the tirade continued, “Not with everything you’re going through! How can they do this? Why is it such an archaic sys…?”
Leaping to his feet now, Jack grabbed him by the shoulders and silenced his rapid movements, both physically and verbally, with a harsh shake.
His fingers dug cruelly into Daniel's shoulders, and the grip grew tighter every second Jack drew closer to confessing. "I have it.." He had no idea where the courage to utter those words came from.
Daniel frowned then his face tilted slightly and his mouth dropped open. "What?"
Jack sucked in a deep breath then repeated, quietly, "The damn test was positive!"
Daniel's body started quivering immediately even before his face could register that his brain had heard, and understood, what he was being told. His knees grew weak and if it were not for the hold Jack had on him, Daniel thought he might drop to the ground like a lead weight. His face went ashen, making the blue eyes absurdly bright as they stared in horror at Jack.
"What?" the young man whispered again but it wasn't so much a question but an exclamation, whispered in disbelief.
"Janet told me. That's why they wouldn't let me go."
The blueness of Daniel's eyes shimmered and Jack realized that was because they were filling with tears. Soon all the white was red and large droplets trickled from the golden lashes, rolled down the smooth cheek and faded amongst the stubble on the jaw.
Jack gripped him more tightly, and then suddenly threw his arms around him, bowing the body against the curve of his own as he squeezed him as tightly as he could.
Daniel's arms remained limp against his thighs as Jack constantly gripped then released him throughout the embrace. He could feel Jack's breath, hot against the skin on the side of his throat, and he could feel the scraping of their stubble as Jack insisted on rubbing their face together. He felt suddenly absurd; noting all this while his brain was incapable of drawing one single thought at the moment. His hands twitched to life and with one almighty thrust, he'd pushed Jack away from him, sending the unsuspecting man backwards into the armchair behind him.
Sprawled out, dazed and confused, Jack stared up at him.
Daniel's face contorted as his watery eyes blazed. His lips, round as a tight rosebud one moment then smeared wide to be pressed tightly together the next, suddenly parted and one word, one single word, blasted from them. "NO!"
Jack shook his head as he tried to straighten himself up again. He got up out of the chair ungracefully, and as he stepped towards Daniel the younger man backed away. Holding his hands up between them he shook his head and said, "No! You promised me!"
Jack also held his hands up - in placation. "Danny, listen to me.."
"You said you were careful! You said..." He pushed his hand through his hair as he turned his back on Jack. Dropping his hand to the curve between his shoulder and neck he muttered to himself, "This can't be happening. I've got to wake up!"
Jack's hands clawed the firm shoulders - such a difference between Daniel's body and Phil's body, Jack noted suddenly then dismissed the absurd thought. Daniel violently yanked himself free of the clutch and swung around so that Jack couldn't sneak up on him again.
"For crying out loud!" Jack hissed when he saw Daniel's tear stained, blotchy face.
"You can't have this!" The archaeologist denied it again.
"I've got it. And it seems that the gate travel has accelerated it.."
Daniel's face contorted with a mixture of tears and horror. "Oh God!"
"But for the time being, I'm fine!"
Daniel threw his arms around his head as he yelled, "Fine? How the hell can you be fine?"
"I've just got the virus.. I don't have AIDS..."
"Yet!" Daniel said.
"It could be years!" Jack instantly reminded himself of Philip.
Daniel bit his lips together and shook his head as he glared, quite ferociously, at his friend. "Months ago, when we stood in here the day I found out about Philip, you promised me.. you *promised* me you were being careful!"
"We were!” Jack's brown eyes widened with the exclamation. “Trust me! I've been through it over and over until my damn head wants to explode! I've thought of nothing else! But I have *no* clue when this happened." In a voice punctured with regret, frustration and anger he confessed, "We did everything right! We followed all the damn rules!"
Daniel watched him as he continued to shake his head in bewilderment. All his accusations, all his questions and all his fears ebbed away as he watched his friend slowly dissolve before him. This was no time for confrontation. Jack needed consolation. He needed understanding and he needed to believe he was still loved.
The brown eyes shimmered with few tears then Jack pursed his lips and looked away, still shaking with disbelief. “You know I’m not one for saying ‘it’s not fair’ Danny…” he said in a wavering voice. He glanced at Daniel and hoped to find some understanding, not anger, in his eyes. He got that – ten fold.
Daniel nodded. “I know – but you’re right. It’s not… not on you – not on Phil.” Cupping his hands over his face, Daniel sucked in a deep breath then said huskily, “Oh god! How will he cope knowing this?”
Jack closed his eyes then lowered his chin to his chest and nodded. The younger man bit his lips together, trying to stem the tears that brimmed his eyes once more as he watched his best friend quietly turn and go back to his chair.
Settling down into it, Jack said, "That’s why I'm not going to tell him."
"What? Are you crazy!?"
Jack gave a wry smile at that then said, "No." Lifting his eyes up to meet Daniel's once more he said, "You know as well as I do that it would kill him to know this has happened. I don't want him to suffer anymore than he is."
Daniel bit his lips together again then tightly wrapped his arms across his chest. So moved was he by his friend’s show of love that he had to look away from the inconsolable man. Sniffing loudly, he jutted his chin and looked out of the large, picture window at the rain outside. For a brief second he thought it was fitting that the rain should be falling at a time like this. Some ancient cultures believed that the skies would open up and the heavens would cry at the time of the greatest devastation. Sniffing again, he searched the floor, looking lost.
"For Christ's sake," Jack mumbled, "Go and sit down!"
Daniel looked at him and nodded, seemingly grateful that someone knew what it was he wanted to do. Daniel perched uneasily on the edge of the sofa then picked up his soda and drank some of it.
Jack quietly watched him - and his odd behavior.
Settling back against the sofa Daniel cast his eyes around the room again. His thoughts went to a place he'd never let them before. He tried to imagine what living day-to-day in this house, with Jack as a lover, would be like. He could visualize Philip coming down the steps and the two of them embracing by the small desk in the corner. Looking away from the phantom couple he saw Jack watching him.
"I... I'm sorry," Daniel said quietly.
Jack wasn't sure what he was apologizing for, so didn't comment. Daniel looked back towards the couple in the corner then lowered his eyes to the floor as he realized there was so much he was sorry for.
"You .. um... you.. well, ugh..? What happens now, I think is what I'm trying to ask," Daniel said, blushing at his own rush of awkwardness.
"Life. Day to day..." Jack said flatly.
Daniel's eyes lifted to 'see' the imaginary couple, still hugging and talking, faces smiling... He swallowed and met Jack's eyes again.
"You're not on any medication at the moment?"
Jack shook his head. "Nope.." he said, holding his hands wide.
"How are you going to do this, without telling Philip?"
Jack looked at the bottle in his hands and said, solemnly. "I think Phil will be long gone before I get that sick."
Curious, Daniel tilted his head. "Pardon?"
With his eyes lowered, Jack raised his eyebrows as he said, "Between you and me, Danny, I'm just waiting for the day he confesses to me he has AIDS."
The golden brow angled into a frown. "I .. I don't understand. Doesn't he already have it?"
"No," Jack said bluntly. "He's always said he has HIV."
Shaking his head, Daniel confessed, "I don't know the difference."
If Daniel was going to be around to help him or to even assist him later, he was going to have to know about the difference between the virus and the disease, and a lot more beyond that.
Jack sat forward in his seat and nodded. "Then let me explain..."
End of part 26
Stories on this page are the property of Nessessitee and Slida. Please do not copy these without the written permission of the Author. All Rights are acknowledged for MGM, Gekko and Stargate Productions as to the Copyrights of the characters within this story and no infringement on the copyrights are intended. For the Bombshells Series the character of Philip Simmons is entirely the creation and intellectual property of Nessessitee and Slida.
While the performances given by RDA and MS help to fuel the author's desire to write for their characters in a niche that she feels is present on the actual show, the portrayal of their characters in loving relationships in no way reflects the Author's opinion of the men's private life, nor should it be construed in that manner.