Part 47
Jack walked Daniel to his car, and as they neared the vehicle his steps faltered as he groaned at his own stupidity.
"What are you going to say to him?" Daniel asked in answer to the groan beside him. He inserted his key into the lock in the door.
"I have no idea," Jack said as he scrunched his hands into his short gray hair and tugged firmly on his scalp.
Daniel watched his friend carefully then twisted and leaned his shoulder against his car as he crossed his arms over his chilled body. "Are you going to tell him you're okay now?"
"I don't know.." Jack said again, this time sounding a more desperate. "Jesus, how did I let that slip out?"
"I should imagine the beer didn't help."
Jack glared at him then sighed as he nodded. "Yeah, you'd think by now I'd know what a loose tongue I had after six beers," he said despondently.
Daniel stood waiting for Jack to make further comment but when he didn't, he turned to his door handle and tugged on it, opening his car. Stepping between the door and the car, he leaned against the top as he said, "Let me know if you need me to back you up on anything, Okay?"
"Yeah, sure.." Jack mumbled as he kicked at the frost on the street beneath his feet.
Daniel watched his crestfallen friend then he leaned his face against his fist and lightly rubbed his lips with the side of his thumb. "This is probably not a bad thing," he ventured, after a few moments of silence between them. Jack looked at him, and in the streetlights Daniel could see the 'how so?' expression on his face. "He had to know sooner or later, and considering how much you two needed to spend some time apart today, it's probably a healthy step in your relationship - or at least, you can use that angle on it.."
"You're right, of course.."
"I am?" Daniel tilted his head with surprise at how quick Jack was to agree with him.
"Yeah. Don't sound so surprised!"
"I am, it's not often.."
"I'm having a moment here," Jack quipped then growled at the back of his throat as he tugged his hair again.
"Okay," Daniel said quickly as he nodded. His eyes shifted over the older man's face then he said, "Call me.. if you need me for anything."
Jack looked at him a long while then nodded. "Will do."
Daniel jerked quickly, breaking the moment between them, then he patted the top of his door as he said, "Well, I'm freezing my y'knows off here, so I'm going!"
Jack laughed. "Wouldn't want that to happen," he quipped. Daniel shot him a look as he sat in his seat.
"No."
"Though I'm sure you'd make a great Soprano!" Jack added, cheekily.
"Never want to find out!" Daniel said, starting his engine. He reached for his door and said, "Night, Jack. Hope it all goes well." He cast a quick look towards the dimly lit porch then looked back up at his friend.
The older man nodded as he jiggled on the spot from the cold night, then he raised his hand over his head as the car took off, engulfing him in the vapor in the still night air.
*
Jack shut the door and caught the look out of the corner of Phil's eyes as the younger man walked past him to take the cups into the kitchen. Rolling his eyes, he followed him into the kitchen.
"About work.."
"Yeah, about that," Philip said, carefully placing the cups into the sink.
"I was going to tell you," Jack said cautiously, watching the way Phil bowed his head and sucked in a deep breath as he leaned against the stainless steel with his hands.
After a short pause Phil lifted his face and said, "No doubt." With a polite smile he quirked his head and added, "It was just a matter of *when*, I guess."
Jack paused at the underlying tone in Phil's voice. Taking a moment to size up the situation, he said, "You got sick and it was the last thing on my mind at the time."
Phil's face showed faint, almost mocking, surprise before he jutted his chin slightly and asked, "So how did all this come about?"
If Jack knew Philip was prone to spitefulness, he'd be assured that 'that' was the look burning in the black eyes at that moment, but the Philip he knew, and loved, wasn't like that..
"Did you find being here at home with me too boring..?"
Or maybe he was?
"No!" Jack snorted indignantly.
"So this just occurred out of the blue? You put no forethought into this whatsoever?"
"As it happens, no, I did not!" Jack said indignantly.
Phil's eyes grew narrow as he muttered, "Why can I so appreciate that?"
"Huh?"
Swiping at his lips with his tongue, Philip gave a derisive laugh as he pushed up off the sink and folded his arms across his chest. "So, what happened? They can't run the Air Force without you?"
"Now you listen to me.." Jack was about to explain how he had no say in rejoining the team but Philip didn't give him that long.
"Oh, come on, Jack!" The young man unexpectedly exploded like a volcano; his eyes bulged, his face reddened and his voice screeched.
"Of course you planned this! Who can blame you?" He threw his arms wide open then looked around before settling back onto Jack's face. "You're probably bored witless here! You're an Action Man, Jack. You love *being* the Colonel, you have to intimidate and you have to lead... But here?.. here..? Well, you don't get to do any of that *fun* stuff here, huh?!"
"What the hell...?" Jack was caught completely on the back foot with this reaction. While he tried to work out what the hell had occurred to change Phil's mood so much he almost missed the tirade of the other man.
"Go on, Jack! Go back to your life where you disappear inside that great, huge mountain and do secret stuff and get to sit and worry about Daniel for days while I'll stay here.. don't worry!" He'd dropped into sarcasm now. "I'll just be here.. bored.. but you can tell me all about your damn action man adventures when you come home!"
Jack was motionless as he watched the other man's uncontained fury - Phil's arms throwing about crazily, his face red from rage. Despite telling himself that this wasn't 'right' - that Philip didn't talk, think or act like this - Jack couldn't help the aggravation bubbling within him now.
"So help me, Philip.." He hissed through clenched teeth.
"So help you? So HELP you? It's not 'you' that's dying, is it?"
Jack startled at that but had no time to react - again.
Philip sucked back to clear his mouth and throat then he went on, "You will, I know, and I've wished all along that it could be the other way around for us. See, I wouldn't hate to have to nurse you, Jack. I wouldn't see you as some great burden on my life..." Tears started to fall down the inflamed cheeks from the red eyes. "I'd spend what little time I had 'with' you.."
"For crying out loud! A few hours ago you begged Daniel.."
"I did not beg him!" Philip cut off Jack's sentence, but the look on the older face clearly told him otherwise.
In a voice strangled with rage Jack said, "And now, you're complaining because I've returned to work? God! Philip! I don't understand you sometimes!"
"Try harder!" Philip yelled back.
That pulled Jack's mood up abruptly. Slowly the gray head slanted and the look in his eyes might have frightened a lesser man than Philip. "Try 'harder'?"
"Did I stutter?" The defiant one said.
"No, you did not stutter, but you're not making a whole lot of sense at the moment, either!"
"I would to those that listen-" Philip said, before turning.
It was then that Jack knew - that the man he was talking to was 'not' Philip. Philip would never say any of this to him. Philip would know how hard he was trying to do everything right and how hard all of this was on him.
"Stop!" He barked, holding one finger up as he told him, "Don't ... turn.. your back on me, Philip!" He wet his lips then shook his head, as he added, "Just ... don't!"
The young man turned back to face him, and the insolence in his eyes made them shine like glittering pieces of hard coal. He remained silent though, as he folded his arms over his chest once more - and waited.
Jack sucked in a deep, cleansing breath - through his nose. All of his being wanted to blow up at Philip but he knew it wouldn't help. The chance to snatch a moment in all the mounting rage cleared his mind and brought reason back to him. He knew that part of this was not so much Philip's judgment - but his lack of judgment - and Jack also knew that that was only going to get worse, as the disease continued to deteriorate Phil's body and mind. Jack always knew there was nothing worse than losing your mind - and knowing it.
He kept his gaze from the stubborn-set jaw though, because he could find it in himself to forgive Philip for this outburst - based on that - only if he didn't have to see the look of conceitedness on his face. A brief flicker of thought crossed his mind - he realized he was pondering about what Philip would think of all this. He was referring to, of course, the man he met and fell in love with, the man that was his rock - on so many occasions, the one that calmed him in his most torrential storm and the one that he still spent so much of his life with - when this 'other man' wasn't around. He even heard Philip's gentle voice in his mind, advising him; 'it's not his fault he's like that, Jack. You have to be the strong one - the one to guide him.'
Emotion prickled the back of Jack's eyes and his throat became constricted. He wanted 'that' Philip back again right now, and he worried about the time that this one would never go away.
Slowly he lifted his gaze and looked upon the hardness on Phil's face. All he could hope was that the 'other man' would not speak to him. He was having enough trouble dealing with his loathing look - he couldn't bear to have words slice his heart as well.
Starting in a softer voice, Jack explained, "I didn't go back because I was bored being here with you. I went back because I was re-instated."
"What's that mean?" Phil asked, still with an edge to his voice.
"Means I didn't get a lot of choice in the matter - that's what it means." Jack coughed then stepped over to him. "It means two goons came to the door the other day and escorted me to the Base... *that's* what it means!"
Philip's head tilted slightly and Jack thought he saw a flicker of concern in the black eyes. But the voice was still harsh, albeit a lot quieter now. "You could have said no," he said.
"No, I couldn't," Jack told him honestly.
"Didn't want to, more like," the younger man said resolutely.
"Oh, for crying out loud! You wanted me out of the house and now you're all upset because I've gone back to duty?"
"That was different!" Philip hissed.
"Why?" Jack slammed his hands onto his hips as he glared at the man before him. "Huh, why?" His brown eyes narrowed as his jaw clenched when his head tilted slightly.
Philip returned the angry stare but remained reticent.
Jack jerked slightly with a passing thought then he said, "Because it was what you wanted? What _you_ needed at the time?"
The younger man glared at him for a long moment then he said, through clenched teeth; "Because you were driving me nuts earlier! And I wanted a little room, yeah! So I wanted you out of the house - for_a_few_HOURS!!!"
"There you go!" Jack said, holding his hand up. "You have all day, everyday, to have all the room you want!"
The look in the eyes now implied that Philip was crushed by Jack's attitude. In a much softer voice than Jack was expecting, Philip said, "Did it not occur to you that I also I wanted you to laugh and relax - none of which you could do cooped up in here clucking over me like some goddamn mother hen?"
"I was looking after you! I thought that was what I was meant to do!" Jack said with a strained voice.
"Meant to do?" Philip said, slanting his head challengingly. "Meant - as opposed to - want?!"
Jack sighed then groaned as he scrunched up his hair again and bowed slightly, trying to stem his rising anger again.
"Right! Fine!" Philip turned and stormed out of the kitchen, heading to the hook at the back of the front door, where he snatched off his jacket and started pulling it on.
"Philip!"
"No, forget it Jack. I'll go home for a while, you're not going to be here anyway."
"Of course I'm going to be here. I'll be here every night after work and for the weekends!"
"After you've finished watching Daniel's six, no doubt!" Philip furiously checked the pockets of the jacket for his car keys. Muttering under his breath as he turned each pocket out he said, "Not going to be pulled off so some secret mission somewhere, are you...?"
Unsuccessful in his endeavor, he began to violently tug the jacket off his arms and tossed it to the ground before stepping over it and heading up to the bedroom. Under his breath he again muttered, "I'll probably die in your absence.. Make things so much easier all round!"
Part of Jack wanted to chase after him, to ensure he didn't do himself some harm, but the other part was enraged, riled up and not willing to be anywhere near his ungrateful lover, despite what the soft voice in his head was telling him.
Pacing on the spot, Jack rolled his head back against his tight shoulder muscles and stared up at the ceiling. He swallowed back his rage, and then he sighed, trying to shake out his shoulders. Tilting his head first one way, then the other, Jack tried to loosen his cramped neck and shoulders. Focusing on the soft voice now, he conjured up a memory of Phil's healthy, shaven, smiling face and he felt his heart slow it's pumping and his breathing started to return to normal. An inner peace washed over him even as tears rekindled their assault on his eyes - though this time he wasn't sure if they were from sadness, anger or because of the happy memory. Finally he huffed out another lungful of air, detoxifying his mind and body while he shook his arms out.
Bending over, he picked up Philip's jacket and held it a moment, cradling it to his chest as he inhaled the sweet scent of Jazz, infused into the layers of the lining. He recalled a night many months ago, when he laid on the bed watching Philip splash this scent on his body as he dressed for a party at one of his friend's house. It was the night before their disastrous dinner date with Teal'c and Daniel... Jack's thoughts wandered as he recalled the sublime body his young lover used to sport. Unconscious of his own beauty, Philip often walked around in their halcyon days of summer minus a top, his pants resting low on his narrow hips, revealing his tantalizing path of ebony hair. Closing his eyes, Jack inhaled the scent again - faint now.. like his memories of his lover in those days... Slowly he reached out and replaced the jacket onto the hook then he turned and went into the kitchen to make himself a hot drink.
*
His hands gripped the coffee cup a little too tightly as he sat, on the sofa in the living room, staring unblinkingly across the room. Unconsciously he scratched at the transfer on the cup with his thumbnail, but it left no mark. His eyes drifted to clock on the mantelpiece. Philip had been alone in their bedroom for about seven minutes, yet, for Jack, it felt like an eternity ago that they'd fought.
He was numb inside; if this was just a glimpse of the trouble to come he wondered what would become of their relationship as Phil's state of health deteriorated. Getting up, he carefully placed his cup on the cluttered coffee table then he went across to the desk in the corner and collected up the printed article from the second drawer. He scanned the page until he reached the part he was searching for:
***Sometimes, HIV can damage the brain and cause changes in feelings and moods, even make it hard to think clearly. Someone with AIDS can feel fine in the morning and be very sick in the afternoon. It can seem like riding a roller coaster, slowly climbing up to feeling good, then plunging down into another illness.***
Sighing heavily, Jack leaned back into the sofa, closed his eyes and began to rub at them with his thumb and fingers while he pondered that notion. Then, through his haze of muddled thoughts he heard a whisper-soft call.
"Jack."
He removed his hand from his eyes and blinked to clear his blurred vision, taking the moment to try to assess the tone of the quiet call - was it regret or something else? Whatever it was, there was none of the insolence there had been. When he finally turned towards the call, he was mortified to see what was before him. Philip was on the second step and his top was moist with blood despite the wad of tissues he held to his nose in an effort to stem it.
"Jesus!" Jack hissed as he sprung to his feet.
"It won't stop," Philip whispered shakily. "It's usually stopped by now. I can't ... can't ...make it stop.."
As he spoke Jack danced around him, aware of the blood and the fact that he could 'not' come into contact with it! Yet he knew he had to care for Phil, not just because of the bloodied nose, but also with the fear and tremor in his voice.
"Come back to the bathroom," Jack suggested, lightly gripping his shoulders and turning him back towards the hall. He assisted Philip the whole way, ever cautious of the blood.
*
He settled the bleeding man onto the closed toilet lid and dragged out the first aid kit from the cupboard. He winced, unsure how he was meant to deal with this situation without drawing attention to himself - or his sudden need to be cautious around Philip now. Holding his hands down below his lover's eyeline, Jack eased the gloves on quietly, hoping Philip would be too distracted to notice them.
He grabbed a washcloth from the side of the bath and dampened it. Gently easing Phil's head back he started cleaning up the congealed blood from the mustache and beard, then he continued to clean up the blood that oozed from the left nostril.
"Sorry," the pale man whispered as his eyes lolled shut then opened again. His lips were splattered with some dried blood and his teeth were stained from it as well.
"Not your fault, baby," Jack said, leaning to rinse the red from the cloth then he held it under Phil's nose as he gently stroked his thumb across the damp forehead.
"For the argu.." Phil slurred, stopping to swallow hard - which wasn't easy with his head back in such a severe angle. Jack let him have his head again and the young man sat up straighter, reaching up to grab the cloth and hold it in place. Jack squatted before him and looked up into the heavily hooded eyes.
"Why didn't you come out sooner?" He asked, carefully resting his elbow against the edge of the vanity unit while he leaned against the edge of the seat with his other hand.
"We were fighting.." Philip said succinctly. He took the cloth away then passed it to Jack, who reached up and rinsed it clean before handing it back. Philip balled up the damp cloth then pressed it to his face.
"We were?" Jack quipped, trying to let the subject drop in the hope that it wouldn't start up again.
The weary man smiled sluggishly. "We were!" Philip pulled the cloth away, replacing it when he saw the bright red blood on the otherwise white material. "I'm sorry," he whispered again, this time he sounded totally drained as he leaned back against the cistern.
Jack stared at the slotted dull eyes and knew that whatever madness it was that had overcome Philip earlier was not present now. From counseling sessions with Janet he knew that he had to let times like this go, to not dwell on them, or else risk flaring them again. It wasn't going to be easy - to be in the middle of an argument and have Philip back-flip or change his mood abruptly and, thereby, end the argument almost instantly. Jack would be riled up with no place to go. However, he told himself, he was the one with the full faculties so it was up to him deal with incidents like this - for Philip's sake - and hope they didn't happen too ofteen.
"Forgive me?" Philip asked, wincing as he swallowed then his eyes closed slowly.
Jack's heart dropped. "Look if this is about the argument again.."
"It's about the argument, yes," Philip slurred, readjusting the cloth once more. "But it's more than that. It's like I'm trapped inside this body sometimes and I'm just screaming to get out. Do you know what that could feel like? Sometimes I think someone else takes over my mind and speaks for me.." Sitting up, Philip took the cloth away again then looked at the pale pink stain. Not needing it any further, he lobbed the cloth into the basin then looked at Jack. "I know, that sounds totally absurd, but I'm not making it up.."
"I know.."
"It's not the first time, either. I've been in shops and I'm talking to someone and I realize that I've no idea what I'm saying to them... I come home and I've bought stuff I don't need - or want..."
"How long has this been going on?"
"I don't know," he whispered tiredly. "God, I can't believe some of the stuff I was saying to you!" His voice began to shake as he stared into Jack's eyes. "It was like I was in this dark corner of my mind and I was yelling at myself to shut up - to stop talking to you like that.. You don't deserve this.. You.. don't.." He hung his head and only looked up with Jack touched his hand to his face.
With a crestfallen smile, the older man said, "Know what? I know. And I understand."
With a groan of a sigh, Philip slouched back against the cistern again and closed his eyes while he pressed the heels of his hands into them. "You know what losing your mind feels like, do you?" He asked skeptically.
"I know what thinking you're losing it is like, yeah," Jack said, truthfully. Philip removed his hands from his eyes then blinked before focusing onto Jack's concerned gaze. He saw the truth there - that from Jack's past there were some pretty horrible memories. Reaching out, he cupped the back of the gray head and rolled himself forward until his forehead rested against Jack's.
"I feel like shit at the moment, hun," he told him wearily, his breath tainted metallic with the blood within his mouth.
Jack eased himself back, keeping Phil's eye contact, then he stood and placed his hands on Phil's side, feeling the ridges of his ribs through the clothing as he lifted him up to stand. He started to tug the top up and instructed Philip to continue with that as he reached into the shower cubicle and turned on the water. He took that moment to rinse his gloves then he tugged them off, balling them inside out and holding them in his fist. When he turned around, Philip was kicking off his pants then he straightened up and smiled weakly at him.
Standing before him, Jack held up two fingers and asked Philip to track them for him. Although sluggish, Philip did follow the hand.
"I'm okay.." he told him quietly.
"I'm just checking your tracking," Jack said, looking carefully into the dark eyes.
"It's been a hectic few days, hun. I'm so goddamn tired and my crazies let loose for a moment..." He sighed then added, "I'm just.. tired."
Jack appreciated that, Philip had spent the past few nights in hospital, was it any wonder they were both so strung out that they lashed each other, verbally, like they had.
"Just .. checking. Humor me here, okay?"
A lop-sided grin filled the lank face as Philip clumsily reached up and patted Jack's shoulder then he stepped under the spray.
"I'll just get you something to wear to bed," Jack said after watching Philip shower for a moment.
"'Kay," the young man sighed before he ran his face under the water.
In the bedroom, away from Phil's gaze, Jack dropped the gloves into the bin between his side of the bed and his side cabinet. After laying out the sweat suit on the bed, Jack returned to the bathroom and helped Philip get out of the shower.
"How are you feeling now?" he asked, guiding Philip to the bed.
"Just sleepy.."
"Do I need to call Janet?" Jack carefully patted Phil's parched skin dry as he squatted before him.
"No, hun. I just need to sleep." The younger man seemed to have a struggle merely standing there while Jack started to dress him. As soon as he was ready, Jack got to his feet and reached to pull back the bedding.
"Are you coming to bed?" Phil slurred as he crawled onto the bed.
"In a minute. I've got to put out the fire and turn off the lights down there."
"'Kay,' the voice was weaker now, indicating that Phil was already drifting off to sleep.
Jack reached the door then he heard, "Jack?"
Stopping and twirling on the spot, the older man smiled as he said, "Yes, babe?"
The pillows muffled the sleepy voice, but Jack heard the question clearly, "What's with the gloves?"
Closing his eyes for a moment, the colonel held his breath. Soon he heard the sound of Phil's snoring and sighed out; relieved to hear he'd fallen asleep.
The scare had shocked him into alertness again so instead of switching everything off in the living areas, Jack went back to watch some television.
<End of Part 47>
Stories on this page are the property of Nessessitee and Slida. Please do not copy these without the written permission of the Author. All Rights are acknowledged for MGM, Gekko and Stargate Productions as to the Copyrights of the characters within this story and no infringement on the copyrights are intended. For the Bombshells Series the character of Philip Simmons is entirely the creation and intellectual property of Nessessitee and Slida.
While the performances given by RDA and MS help to fuel the author's desire to write for their characters in a niche that she feels is present on the actual show, the portrayal of their characters in loving relationships in no way reflects the Author's opinion of the men's private life, nor should it be construed in that manner.