Part 97
Link to Slida's Graham Simmons Website
Graham was sitting in the small courtyard outside his apartment, a tablet of notepaper before him and a pen in his hand. The wrought iron table and chair set that was out there, and at which he now sat, had seen better times, as sun, rain, wind and snow took its toll on the robust metal. Still, it was strong enough to support his weight and the weight of others, it just didn't look that good anymore.
Indulging in the silence that surrounded him the young lieutenant inhaled a long, deep breath of crisp fresh morning air. It was still early. The sun had barely climbed out of bed and many of the neighbors, never seen (because of the high walls surrounding the courtyard) but sometimes heard, were not obviously present around him. No sound of children playing in the wet streets below rose to his ears and only sporadic sounds of cars whooshing through the rain-puddled roads broke through his reverie.
Earlier he'd climbed the ladder to look down at the silent streets. From his perch high above the black tops he observed a street sweeper, moving like a slug along the kerb of the roads, sucking into its guts any debris in its way. He added to the trash as he flicked his lighted cigarette - only half consumed - down towards the road in a shower of red sparks. The sweeper moved over it and it was gone and Graham climbed back down and went to the table and chairs once more to retrieve his cup for a refill of coffee.
He moved through the apartment stealthily despite the dim light inside. Going quickly to the bedroom he leaned a shoulder against the frame as he pressed on the door with his foot and allowed it to slowly swing open to reveal the man asleep amongst the tousled sheets. Graham inhaled a deep breath as he fought the smile threatening his lips. His lover looked so peaceful and so handsome, with his long tawny hair flopped into his closed eyes, his pink lips parted for air and his naked body smeared face down across the gray sheets. Willpower drove the younger man away from the temptation in that bed - especially the soft, milky white, rounded globes that taunted him for a nibble - and led him towards the kitchen instead, and to the coffee pot. After pouring himself another black coffee, without sugar, he returned to the chilled morning outside and took his place at the dirty-white filigreed setting once again.
Now he sat with his head in his hands as he thought about what he needed to say in his letter. He had started the missive several times and the scrunched up papers that surrounded him and littered the floor stood as testament to the difficulty of the task. He inhaled deeply as he tried to straighten out the myriad of thoughts that swirled in his mind and added weight to his problem. He stared at the words on the yellow lined paper, and then as he reached for his cup at the same time that he dragged his knees to his chest and hugged them against him. He studied the words, over and over, and his deep red lips moved silently as he read. Displeased with a word choice he rolled his eyes to the heavens and muttered a few alternative choices to himself. Feeling that he had captured the precise context with the last word that had come to mind he gripped the cup in his right hand as he quickly wrote down the favored choice.
The gentle breeze puffed across his bare torso and he shivered involuntarily. As he lifted his face he watched the gray clouds shadow his courtyard and darken his words. Just as he was considering taking this inside the clouds moved and revealed the sun once more. Not warm, by any measure on this early December morning, but not cold enough to drive him indoors anymore. He returned to his writing, and his thoughts, as he sipped at his coffee.
Too soon his tranquility was disturbed though but he didn't mind in the least as the noise of someone moving around inside his apartment alerted him to the fact that his lover had woken up. After a few more moments Daniel stumbled from the apartment and, as he wrapped a robe around his body, made his way through the pot plants and sculptures that cluttered the small courtyard.
"That place still reeks," the anthropologist muttered as he planted a kiss to the top of Graham's head then dropped heavily into the chair beside him. He groaned as he stretched out his long body and allowed his head to flop back.
"Yeah, I'm sorry about wasting your whiskey like that." When they'd come out to make the omelets during the night they discovered the deluge of the fight; papers sprawled across the table and floor, candles upturned, extinguished and lying on the carpet that was wet with spilt alcohol.
Daniel waved his hand clumsily to dismiss the concern about the alcohol as he reached forward, picked up Graham's coffee and took a sip. "Like I said last night, we're just lucky the whole place didn't go up in flames. If those candles had hit the alcohol.."
Graham sighed then coughed to clear his throat. "Well thankfully they were cheap candles and probably blew out with the first puff of wind." He smiled as he watched Daniel take another sip of his coffee. Getting to his feet he said, "Why don't I get you some coffee.."
Daniel gripped him by the wrist and tugged him into his lap before Graham even knew what had happened. "First things first," he said as he touched his fingertips across the roughly stubbled cheek. "You didn't sleep well, did you?"
The ebony brow furrowed as Graham peered into the unshielded blue eyes. "Did I keep you awake?"
Daniel shrugged then said, "What's on your mind - or is that too obvious?" He asked, referring to the abduction then the fight and, perhaps even, the confession.
Graham pushed himself out of Daniel's lap and tugged his chair a little closer then he leaned onto his elbows as he admitted, in a quiet voice, "Last night I scared myself." He looked up into Daniel's watchful gaze.
"Meaning?"
"Meaning that my temper - the way I let it get the better of me - that isn't me, Dan-" He sighed, ran his hand over his mouth as he diverted his eyes towards a flowering shrub in the corner of the yard. "That's Poppa." He took a few moments then he shifted his gaze back to meet Daniel's.
Concern darted into the blue eyes as Daniel reached out to hold Graham's hands. "You are *nothing* like that man," he assured his worried partner. "You are so much better than him, Graham. So much better!"
The dark eyes closed slowly then the younger man nodded. "But I have his temper."
"Tempers don't worry me," Daniel said with a gentle smile as his eyes traced over every inch of Graham's face. "Besides, I pushed very hard last night-"
Graham lifted his gaze once more. "I needed pushing."
The older man smiled and cupped the handsome face in both hands now. "So we're perfect for each other then - see?"
"Come here," Graham said as he placed his hand behind Daniel's head and pulled him closer so that they could kiss tenderly. After a few moments he pulled back and said, "I'm so glad you're home." Like it was just a trip abroad Daniel had taken. This made the anthropologist shiver. How many more weird occurrences would they have to weather together? How soon would devastating events like this one become everyday for them? He marveled at his lover's ability to accept it in his stride, now if only he could.
Daniel smoothed his hand up the bare back as he whispered, "I'm glad I'm home too." They kissed again. Deep and sweet tousles that resulted in breathlessness for both parties.
As they parted Graham gave a happy moan then opened his eyes slowly. "Shall I get you that coffee now?"
"Thanks." The older man allowed him to get up and go inside. The paper on the table caught Daniel's eye and, filled with curiosity, he tilted his head and adjusted the paper so that he could read it without his glasses on. It was no use though. Graham's writing was hard enough to read with his specs on, let alone without them. He heard his lover return so watched him approach, relieved him of the drink in his hand then jerked his head towards the table as he asked, "What are you writing?"
"A letter," Graham said as he picked up the pen in his left hand and rapidly tapped it against the paper. "A very .. hard.. letter.."
Daniel noted the nervousness in his tone and his curiosity peaked. He blinked quickly and lifted his cup to his lips as he asked, "To who?" before taking a sip and putting the cup down once more. He licked his lips as he waited for Graham to reveal whom the letter was intended for.
After a heavy sigh Graham told him; "Poppa."
"Oh!" The golden brows shot up fast. "O-kay," he said the syllables carefully, indicating his growing interest.
Graham said nothing but still tapped the pen against the paper until Daniel reached over, laid his hand over the nervous one and asked, "Want to talk about it?"
The lieutenant grimaced then shrugged. "I don't know where to start," he said quietly as he scooped up his coffee and sipped at it.
"The beginning is usually the best place," Daniel informed him.
"I meant my letter," Graham said then sat forward. "I don't know where to start with it."
"Oh." The pink tongue darted out to lick at the full lips. "Then what is it you're trying to say to him?"
Graham stared at the words for a long while before he tilted his head to meet Daniel's concerned gaze. As he spoke his attention returned to the pad of paper though. "I don't know. I just woke up with this ... need.. to write and tell him that I'm.. finally... happy." He was too caught up in his own state to notice the smile on Daniel's face right now but as soon as Daniel reached out his hand and cupped his head, he turned and saw it in the blue gaze.
With a smile Daniel told him, "You don't know how good it is to hear that."
Graham returned the smile without falter. "It's good to say it." He said then he captured the wrist of the hand around his head and nipped the soft white skin lightly. With hunger burning in his dark eyes he reached for Daniel as he rose to his feet. Tenderly their lips came together and languidly their tongues explored the other's mouth. Graham, who was almost standing in his reach for his lover, scrunched his fingers through the mid-length hair as they heightened the passion within the kiss. While deep within each other's mouths Graham kicked his leg over Daniel's lap, and the sitting man sensed this and lifted his long legs up onto the chair that the lieutenant had vacated, providing a lap of his thighs for Graham to perch himself onto. As the lieutenant leaned along the sturdy body he delved deeper into the coffee-tainted mouth.
Soon, with erections trapped between them and lungs craving for air, the two men parted. Daniel touched the tips of his long tanned fingers to Graham's ebony brow as he asked, in a husky voice, "So why don't you just tell him that then?"
The younger man screwed up his eyes as he shook his head. "I don't want to think about it right now-" As he spoke he lowered himself to a squatted position between Daniel's thighs.
The sitting man grinned. "Oh?"
Without any problems Graham peeled open the flaps of the robe Daniel was wearing and exposed the hard shaft to the chilled air. Daniel shivered and felt the cold affect his erection but it didn't have time to diminish it too much before Graham engulfed the thick pink muscle with his mouth and encased it in a moist heat.
With a hiss Daniel allowed his head to fall back while he reached his hands into the short black hair of the head bobbing above him. He murmured words of appreciation of the talented tongue and the efficient lips while his legs brushed against the body between them and his thighs caressed Graham's stubble-covered cheek. Soon Daniel was choking back his outcry as he shot his completion down the back of his lover's throat, then shivered as every drop of the salty seed was sucked tenderly from his deflating shaft. With one final shudder he groaned and smiled as he watched Graham rise to his feet and stand above him. With slotted eyes he saw the younger man wipe the back of his hand over his mouth before he touch his hand to the tie of his shorts as he asked, "Feel like returning the favor?"
Daniel nodded and grappled to sit up as best as his boneless body would allow. Graham unfastened his shorts and slid them down, stepped free of them and came to stand between the sitting man's thighs, his groin at perfect height for Daniel to reach. Lasciviously Daniel caressed the backs of the thighs before him as he stared up at his lover's face. Graham smiled down at him and ran his hand all over the handsome face and the back of his head. With a gentle push against the back of the head he drew the face towards his engorged shaft and caught his breath as he watched the moist lips part and then close over his full-on erection. All too soon it was over for him as well and he was biting his bottom lip in an attempt to stifle the cries that filled his throat.
As Daniel licked him clean he gave a happy hum then he cuddled the standing man against his chest and whispered, "Now this is a great way to start the day!" He kissed the flaccid cock then looked up and grinned at the tired looking man.
With a lop-sided smile that always drove Daniel crazy, Graham sat, stark naked, and stared at the tablet of paper before him with a furrowed brow. "Sure beats what I *was* doing."
Daniel, protected from the cold metal by the gown still under him and on his arms, asked, "Isn't that seat cold?"
Graham frowned, looked behind him then said, "Ah, yeah, actually.. now that you come to mention it.."
The anthropologist laughed. "And they say I get engrossed in my work!"
Graham screwed his perfect nose up as he reached down for his shorts and tugged them on. "I can attest to that from personal experience!"
He picked up his pen but instead of tapping it like he did before he sucked on the end of it as he pondered the right words for his correspondence.
Daniel left him to the task as he went inside to get more coffee for the both of them. As he returned he noticed that Graham hadn't gotten any further with his task. While he put the cup before his distracted mate he said, "I'm a linguist, maybe I can help?" He glanced over the lip of the cup as he lowered himself into his chair. Graham looked at him then sighed, rubbed both hands over his whiskered face then shrugged.
"So what's prompted this letter?" Daniel asked as he took another sip and watched Graham over the lip of the cup.
"Because I feel like I have achieved something my father told me was unobtainable.."
With a nod, Daniel asked, "And what's that?"
"I'm gay.." Graham said without hesitation. "And I'm happy."
The linguist put his cup down as he frowned, brushed the back of his finger across his lips then tilted his head. "And.. that's .. unobtainable?" he queried.
"According to my father it was," Graham told him with certainty. He exhaled heavily as he settled back on his seat and stared at the pad before him. "According to my father the only way I could be truly happy was to marry a woman and have a family."
Daniel shrugged. As much as he disliked Jaheed those words were the words of many a father to their gay son, and most definitely, the words of Jaheed's own upbringing.
"So I made myself miserable because I kept trying to achieve that. To achieve happiness."
"Happiness from what though? By denying yourself you can't be happy."
"I know that - now." Graham told him with a nod. "It's only taken me almost thirteen years to work that one out!"
Sitting forward Daniel honored the seriousness of Graham's mood by asking, "Ever since you came out to him?"
"Exactly."
Wetting his lips and sliding his gaze across the pad of paper Daniel asked, cautiously, "Mind if I ask a question?"
The younger man touched his hand. "You can ask me anything."
With a sharp swallow Daniel looked at him and asked, "What made you think you were gay at the age of twelve? I mean, if you've been fighting it all this time, what makes you sure you didn't jump the gun when you were a kid?"
"Because I *have* been fighting it since I was twelve, basically. If I wasn't gay, I wouldn't feel confused like I used to. I'd have met a girl and married, or at least be closer to that goal.."
"But you keep getting attracted to men?" Daniel stated, like he understood.
Graham furrowed his brow as he pondered that point. With a nod, he said, "exactly. I find there's so many more attractive things about men than I do about women, even though, as you know, I've been with both." He reached out and stroked his fingertips along the hairs on Daniel's forearm as he said, with a gentle smile, "I'm more attracted to the male form - especially well built ones.." There was enough innuendo in there to make Daniel smile modestly. "I love the scent of men more.. the strength... the way we make love.."
"We as in men or we as in.. us?"
"You and me. We're equals in this relationship - I think.." He left that point open for Daniel to argue it but the older man simply nodded.
"I think we are too, and we should be."
Graham nodded and smiled. "I know."
"So I'm not sure that all this answers my question though. How did you know, at the age of twelve? What prompted you to come out to your father? Was it something you 'had' to do? Did he find out somehow?"
Graham had been shaking his head at every suggestion. "I think I've already told you that Poppa and I were really close when I was a child. I was ‘his’ boy." A sadness filled Graham's dark eyes as he stared at the pen in his hand while he fell silent for a few moments. Eventually he looked around the garden then at the man beside him, waiting patiently for an answer. “Let’s go inside,” he suggested as he pushed his chair back away from the table. Daniel gathered up the two cups while Graham collected up the writing equipment and they went inside together.
“Are you hungry?” Graham asked as he closed the door and at that very moment the first drops of rain fell against the glass panel in the door. He pushed past his mate and went into the bedroom.
“Are you stalling?” Daniel called to him then noted the rain with a flick of his gaze. The young man returned tugging on a pair of sweat pants.
“Probably,” Graham told him after a few more moments but Daniel had already gone into the kitchen, so hadn’t heard him. Instead the younger man squatted, switched on the oil heater then he straightened up and turned when he heard Daniel come up behind him.
“I’m not hungry,” Daniel said.
Graham stared into his unshielded eyes then gave a faint smile as he mumbled, “I am stalling.”
“If you’re uncomfortable about this, we can skip it.”
“No, I want to tell you. I want to share this, I’m just .. well, not good at this kind of thing, as you know.”
The older man smiled gently at him as he lifted his hand and led him to the sofa. Settling together Daniel allowed Graham to rest back against him and as the younger man spoke, Daniel caressed the furry chest with his fingertips.
"I didn't want to be gay, Daniel.."
The words hung in the air between them for a few heartbeats until Graham had the courage to look up into the eyes of his lover. There was no recrimination there though so he settled against the warm body once more as he stared at the painting on the wall of himself and Blair.
"I wanted to be the kind of man my father respected. I wanted his love and his approval.” After a loud sigh he added, “Don't ask me why..."
"Because he is your father.." was all Daniel said. Graham lifted his sad eyes and smiled at his understanding lover. With a silent nod he kissed Daniel's hand and put it back into his chest.
In soft, choked words he told him: "I wanted to be his little boy again, when he used to take me to work with him and put me on the bench beside him and he always introduced me to his friends in such a proud voice. 'This is my Graheed', he'd say. 'My *boy*!'-"
Graham gave a sad smile and his voice grew a little thicker but he continued on, "He'd take me into the bar with him after work and I'd sit in the corner drinking my pop and he'd be with his friends and every now and then he'd look over at me, and wink. I felt really important, like it didn't matter that they were talking for hours on end and I was left with nothing to do or no one to play with - because my father never forgot I was in that corner." He coughed and shifted slightly, but settled with more caresses of his lover’s hand. "Growing up, my father was a great man to me, Daniel.."
"You loved him very much."
"And yet he rejected me." The words stalled as a nervous smile twitched over Graham's lips. That was the sentence that told Daniel everything - those words and ‘that’ look of utter bewilderment and betrayal. Graham had never overcome the fact that he did what he thought he ‘should’ and in return, he lost the love of the greatest man in his life. He squeezed the man within his arms a little more tightly as he pressed his lips to the dark hair.
"I trusted him. I thought I shouldn't lie to him. He always told me not to lie to him, said he'd respect me more if I were honest. Only 'real' men, he used to say, have the ability to say the hard things instead of lying about them-" He paused long enough to shrug then went on, "When I was twelve I thought I was a man, so I had to live like a man and I had to be honest… like a man." He shook his head and said, miserably, "I should have still been a child..."
Daniel kissed the raven hair as he whispered, "You did what you thought was right. You told the truth!"
"I was twelve-"
Daniel squeezed the warm chest as he reasoned, "And you were conscientious enough to know back then what you were, how you felt."
"I was a child trying to be a man,” Graham said in desperate sadness. “Sure, I was honest, but if I really was a man, with a man's insight, I'd have known that my father could never have handled the truth, despite what he told me."
Daniel, bereaved by the despair in his lover’s voice, told him to sit up. Looking into the cimmerian eyes now the anthropologist tried to help him realize that he did everything ‘right’ as a child, that he didn’t lie and he didn’t deceive and because of that – and the faith that the young boy had in his father’s love - he was dealt the most savage blow.
"You were twelve."
Graham met his eyes and he gave a wistful smile as he nodded. He slipped his arms around Daniel’s body and leaned his chin onto his smooth chest as he stared off into middle space.
"On my eleventh birthday I had a party and a few of my friends came around. I wasn't interested in boys or girls on that particular day but my friend, Pasqualina, came to my party and she wore this frilly pink and lace dress.. and her hair was in two tails down her back.."
Graham shook himself at that memory then said, "Anyway, she kissed me as she left and told everyone at school the next day that I was her boyfriend. I didn't care, you know? So we were boyfriend and girlfriend and we held hands and kissed, all that kind of innocent stuff. My father boasted to his friends about me. About how I was already starting to be a heart-breaker, that I had the eyes of a young lover.."
"He's right. You do.." Daniel told him with a gentle smile.
Graham smiled briefly but his sadness still overwhelmed him as he went back to his recollection. "Pasqualina had her eleventh birthday about a month after that and I went along to it, of course. She had an older brother, Gino. I think he was about sixteen or something, and I while I was at the party I went to the bathroom and walked in on him having a piss. He didn't flinch and I just stood there, staring at him, and I looked at his cock, saw the way he held it in his hand, just like I do with mine, I guess, but it looked different and it stirred things within me I wasn't expecting. Maybe it was the way his jeans were open at the fly and hooked up onto his hips, or the way his cock looked thick and meaty in his hand, or the hair, where I didn't have any yet..... I stammered out an apology, I remember, but I hadn't taken my eyes off it. When he finished he shook himself then he turned towards me a little and tucked himself in. I could feel his eyes burrow through the top of my head, but I still couldn't take my eyes off him. As he left the bathroom he deliberately brushed against the front of me and that was the first time I ever got a hard-on from a stimulation."
"I was still Pasqualina's boyfriend because all we did was kiss and stuff, but I couldn't get Gino out of my head. I had dreams about him forcing me into the bathroom to do things that I knew were wrong but excited me just the same. About a month before my twelfth birthday I went around to Pasqualina's house to see her. I remember it was a hot day and he opened the door and was only wearing his jeans and a big, black belt. I mean, by today's standards his body really was lacking but to me, back then? It was incredible. He had a milky white torso but his arms were dark from where the sun tanned him. "
"He told me that she and her mother were out shopping but that I could come in and wait for her so I did. He was always really nice to me, and certainly didn't seem to be harboring any further thoughts about our bathroom encounter - not like me. We mucked about a lot, and he always made me laugh. When Pasqualina and I went out and if his friends saw us they would tease us about being virgins, but he always stood up to them and told them to leave us alone. He'd wink at me and I had that same feeling I used to get in the bar. That, no matter what, I meant something to him. It's hard to explain why his winks meant so much to me at times like that."
"So we were in their living room watching television and I'm not sure how it happened but we started to have this play fight. And he ended up pinning me to the ground by my wrists. It made me so excited as I stared up at him. I realized he could do anything he wanted to me and I would be unable to fight him, he was almost seventeen by now. And he also scared me. Not so much him, but the feelings he made me feel inside whenever he would look across the room towards me when I went to visit Pasqualina."
"I can still recall how he stared right through me, and his breathing grew heavier even though he wasn't moving anymore. And he mumbled something about how he had to go... but as he turned his face away to get up I reached up and I cupped the side of his face with my hand. I'm not sure I was trying to seduce him, just tell him that it was okay, you know? But the momentum of him turning away seemed to pull me up into a sitting position and as he turned back towards me our faces bumped together. Within seconds he gave me my first - ever - kiss. Real kiss, I mean. Not like things were with Pasqualina. I remember thinking that this was what kissing meant. I got hot and prickly all over as his tongue thrashed about in my mouth, and I never wanted anyone like I wanted him at that moment."
"We kissed forever, and I think it was only sheer luck that we heard the key in the front door. Before I knew it he was on his feet and he seemed to pace like a trapped animal as his mother came through the front door. I scrambled to sit up like I was casually just sitting there and as Pasqualina entered the house she saw me, squealed and ran over to me. She sat down beside me and held my hand and it seemed so - banal. I remember glancing up at Gino and he glared back at me. At the time I thought he was angry with me, but I realized, a lot later, that it was carnal. He left the room and I didn't see him again for a very long time."
"I broke things off with her as well. I couldn't go around there and not want to sneak into his room instead. I went around a few times but he always stayed in his room and I was so busy wishing he'd come out that I never really talked much to Pasqualina. I remember the last day I went there. She went to the bathroom and I got up and went into Gino's room. I knew he was out as his car was gone from the garage, so I stood in his room and I just took in deep breaths. It smelled like him in there. Sweaty and jockstrapish, I guess. And I wanted to stay in there. I touched some of his stuff and I stole a picture of him from a small pile on one of his shelves. I used to keep it hidden under the lining of my underwear drawer. After I took the picture I put it down the front of my pants and I went out into the living room and I told Pasqualina I didn't think I could see her anymore. She didn't understand, I mean how could she? But she was good about it too. I guess we weren't the hottest couple so cooling things off wasn't hard to do either. We were really good friends though and I still hear from her now and again. She's married with three children."
"And a few months later you told your father?"
"Poppa always told us to be honest. When I couldn't get Gino from my thoughts, I became broody and emotional. I was a teenager before it was hip to be a teenager. I was sullen and I couldn't relate to anyone properly."
"One day I was in the bar with my father and I watched the way he interacted with his friends - always touching and hugging them. He even kissed their cheeks. So I thought maybe what I felt wasn't so wrong. Maybe it was all right. I thought he'd understand. So I told him about Gino and about the kiss.."
Daniel made a soft grunt at the back of his throat. To come out at the age of twelve and confess to having 'gay intentions' would be one thing, to come out and admit to actually having touched another man would leave most parents hysterical.
"Poppa went so red and he got so angry with me. He picked up the first thing he could lay his hands on, which happened to be a thin piece of wood he had in his garage, and he whipped me with it. He called me filthy names and hit me so hard and so often that I couldn't sit down - literally - for a day and a bit. I cried so much. I was so lonely. Overnight I'd lost my father's love and respect. Philip was only young, about five or six I think, and so he had no idea what was going on. Momma didn't understand either, because Poppa wouldn't tell her and I wasn't about to, for fear of more rejection."
Daniel rubbed his lover's leg in encouragement.
"Things never were the same between us. He hissed at me and he snarled at me. He never took me to his work again, I never set foot inside that bar again and he never, ever, winked at me again ..."
Daniel moved and engulfed his shivering lover into his arms and kissed the side of his head firmly.
"I was so unhappy, Daniel. I wondered if any love would be worth losing the love and respect of my father."
Daniel kissed him again and the younger man sighed and tightened his grip around him. "But you definitely are."
As they pulled back to look into each other's eyes again, Daniel asked, "What happened to Gino?"
"She doesn't know where he is from what I can tell, and I don't ask her, because that would seem too strange, I think. All she knows is he went to work one day and no one heard from him again. I was stationed in San Francisco many years ago now and I was in a bar by Fisherman's Wharf and he walked into the bar. I recognized him immediately because he still had that look in his eyes. The look of a hunger he couldn't ever fill. He saw me and paused but I don't know if he ever realized who I was. I thought for a moment he was going to ask me .. but he sat at the bar with his back to me. I was just getting up the courage to go and tell him who I was when another man walked in, looked at me, then Gino, and went to the bar. He didn't even seem to talk to Gino but they got up and left together. I realized then, he was a rent boy.
"That's when I realized my father was right. I'd never be *in* love if I lived a life of a gay man. For a while the rebel in me wanted to enjoy the seediness of it all - after all, my father expected it of me and for some reason, living like that was something I seemed to think I deserved. I thought that it somehow taunted him too, but of course, how could it have?
"After I saw Gino I realized I didn't want that seedy life anymore. The nameless men in the back alleys to relieve a frustration. Being haunted by eyes as you walk along the street and knowing that if you meet even just one set of them, you'll go with that man to wherever he wanted you to go and you'd do with him whatever he wanted, because you had nothing else.
"I wanted to be loved, and I wanted to win back my father's love... Maybe I would have taken one over the other - I don't know. But if I could only return to being a straight man, in my father's eyes, then I'd be worthy of his love again.."
Daniel tightened his hold of Graham's hands but said nothing.
"And being gay hadn't exactly brought me happiness. I had some pretty horrible times discovering that too. Too many times I thought that the guy I was with was Mr Right.. but he was only Mr Right Now. I realized that when I saw Gino's eyes that I might never find love. That there weren't that many gay men in the world that went in for the hearts and flowers kind of thing. They wanted sex. Sex and some kind of companionship. But not commitment. When things got too hard or too serious they walked out on me. Whereas I.. I wanted the white picket fences, Daniel, because I wanted to belong. If I had that, I'd have happiness. And to have that with a woman would mean I had the love of my father once more too. I won both ways."
Daniel swallowed then said, in a tight voice, "I'm not a woman."
Graham smiled. "I've noticed that." That made Daniel chuckle.
"You, Dr Jackson, broke the mould. You scared me. When you told me you loved me, I didn't believe it. I was convinced that you would leave me soon.."
/Like the others did/ Daniel thought.
"And I know I should have trusted you, but I couldn't trust myself. I tried to limit myself to enjoying the sex with you but not taking things too seriously because when, not if, but when, you left me it was going to hurt all the more."
"Why?"
Graham gave a pained smile. "Because I adore you - so thoroughly."
Daniel touched his lover's cheek. "Then why did you push me away so hard? Why did you allow Jack to come between us?"
"Because I thought he would. Eventually. And I wanted to protect myself."
"But I promised you.."
"My father promised me too, Daniel.." Graham blurted out then realized how harsh that would have seemed and gave Daniel a pained look. He got up and paced the room. With a sigh, indicating his own disgust at himself, Graham shook his head and reached down for his cigarettes then went outside. Daniel watched him out in the garden a moment then he went out to him.
Graham blew the white smoke from his lungs as he watched him approach. He put the cigarette between his lips and mumbled, "I'm sorry. It's a feeble excuse, but it's the only reason I have."
"You were hurt very badly by your father, I know that - now. But you have to learn to trust again."
Graham removed the cigarette and rolled it between his fingers as he shrugged. Daniel touched his hand to his shoulder and turned him slightly.
"Trust me.."
Graham stared into the bright blue eyes. He nodded then whispered in a tight voice, "I think.. I do."
"That's easy to do now that you know Jack's not a problem. I wouldn't have let him come between us. I wish you believed that back then."
Graham sighed heavily and flicked the cigarette away, leaving it to fall into a puddle left by the recent rain. "You just don't understand.."
"No, I don't. I don't understand but that's okay. I'm willing to forgive that.."
Graham exploded, not in a loud voice but a passionate one, "He was your friend, Daniel. Your 'best' friend. And because he was your friend I thought you'd eventually see that he hated me and wanted me out of your life. But you didn't see that, and you put up with his comments and shit.."
"Because I could handle it..."
"Well, I'm sorry but I couldn't!" He glared at him and then screwed his face up as he ran his hands through his hair as he went over to the wet, wrought iron chair and sat down heavily. When he spoke his voice was quiet and controlled and Daniel had to go and to sit with him to hear him better.
"I'm not sure of the Colonel O'Neill you know, Daniel, but the one that 'we' knew, the other officers on the Base, he could be very, very cruel. I find it hard now to parlay the man I know who loves Philip more than life itself these days with the image of the Colonel that we all knew and feared back then, but that was where *I* was coming from. Colonel O'Neill was one son-of-a-bitch that you just didn't fuck with."
"But now you know the real Jack now. The one I know.."
Graham shook his head slowly. "But back then, I couldn't explain it to you - how could I? You believed in Jack because he was your friend." He lifted his eyes to meet Daniel's. "I feared the Colonel for the very same reason. And no matter how much you told me he wouldn't come between us, he did and he always was there.."
"In your mind.."
"In your heart." Graham shrugged then said, "I thought if you really loved me you'd protect me- choose me over him...." He shook his head and covered his face as he growled at himself. "I'm sounding pathetic but.."
"No, not pathetic... I understand... I did have the position of power and I should have done more to protect you from him maybe."
"Though when you really think about it, what the hell could you do? It was just a horrible mess, Dan, and we were caught right in the middle. Both ineloquent to express our needs...."
"I was putting in for a transfer.."
Graham frowned and looked at him. "What?"
"I was going to try to transfer to SG-11.."
"I didn't.. know.."
"I was going tell you. I came home from the mission and found you.. and Chris.." He gave a soft sigh. Graham bit his lips together then rolled his eyes. Daniel nodded and tapped the tabletop. "Both ineloquent.." he agreed.
"So where does this put us?"
"That's our past."
"Have we gotten over it?" Graham asked flatly.
"I love you," Daniel said without hesitation. "And from what you told me last night, you love me too.."
With a shy smile Graham reached across the table and held Daniel's hand. "You scare me, you know that?"
"Why?" Daniel squeezed their joined hands as he sat forward.
"I wake up from daydreams about us. I've never done that before. I've never projected into the future or imagined slow intimate times without sex.. But I find myself doing that. I think about us sharing a lazy Saturday, just tangled together reading the newspaper."
Daniel smiled.
"Or going for a walk and taking our dog.."
The anthropologist tilted his head and stammered softly, "Our.. Dog ?"
Graham laughed and brought their joined hands to his lips. "See this is why you scare me. I make plans for my future and you're in them. That's never happened to me before. Not with a real person - with my 'fantasy' life, sure, but.. you're real!" He got up and slipped himself into Daniel's lap and cupped the handsome face as he whispered, "I don't want a future without you in it."
Daniel smiled and curled his index finger against the underside of Graham's chin. "I want to be in your future.."
Graham hugged him tightly and brushed his lips against the lobeless ear. "I love you, Daniel." He felt his lover’s arms tighten in response. As he pulled back he looked deeply into the blue eyes and said, "I wish it was the year 2050 already.."
"Why's that?"
"So that I could look back and know that we made it. That we grew old together."
Daniel smiled and nudged his face against Graham's. "We might have to work at it, but there's no reason why we couldn't try for that."
"And the white picket fence?"
"Do we put that around your apartment or mine?" Daniel joked. Graham smiled.
"Okay, so I guess the dog's out of the question for the moment too, huh?"
Daniel brushed his lips over the stubble-covered chin. "Ah huh.." He nipped Graham's chin lightly and purred, "But if you like, I can still buy a collar and lead.."
Graham gave a guttural groan and squirmed against the lap he was in. "Yes, please.." Daniel chuckled then covered his lover's mouth with his own and gave him a fervent kiss.
<End of part 97>
Stories on this page are the property of Nessessitee and Slida. Please do not copy these without the written permission of the Author. All Rights are acknowledged for MGM, Gekko and Stargate Productions as to the Copyrights of the characters within this story and no infringement on the copyrights are intended. For the Bombshells Series the character of Philip Simmons is entirely the creation and intellectual property of Nessessitee and Slida.
While the performances given by RDA and MS help to fuel the author's desire to write for their characters in a niche that she feels is present on the actual show, the portrayal of their characters in loving relationships in no way reflects the Author's opinion of the men's private life, nor should it be construed in that manner.