Finding Your Inner Peace
Staci Kaufmann
The far-too-cheerful brunette came out onto the stage and glanced around,
approving once again of the big, comfy chairs and the serene color patterns.
This was definitely perfect. She looked back at her applauding audience and
smiled.
"Hello! And welcome to Finding Your Inner Peace. I'm your host,
Pauline Fleming. Today, we have two very special guests- Jason Dean and
Veronica Sawyer. They're two students at my high school who desperately need
some inner peace. Now everyone, please send out good vibes to these two."
She looked offstage, where Veronica and J.D. were arguing. Oh dear.
That wasn't a good sign.
"Why in the living hell did you call in for this?"
"Because we need help, J.D. Even you can admit that, all right?"
"I can't believe I'm here. Darling, the only kind of help you're going
to need is-"
"Come on out," Pauline said sweetly. "Please? Now don't worry, this is
nothing to be ashamed of."
Veronica nodded as she went out onto the stage and sat down in one the
chairs. J.D. rolled his eyes and sat down next to her.
"Now then." With her guests safely onstage, Pauline turned back to the
audience. "Veronica and J.D. are in serious karmic trouble, everyone. At first
they had everything going for them- they were even going to go to the Prom
together."
Everyone in the audience 'awww'ed in unison.
"But then fate struck," Pauline said dramatically. "And now Veronica is
asking if things will ever be the same again. Will you assist me in my quest to
repair these damaged souls?"
This time the audience cheered.
J.D. looked out at them and shook his head. "It should be illegal for
these people to breed."
Veronica glared at him, and Pauline, oblivious, grinned widely and
clapped her hands. "Groovy! All right. Now, Veronica, you called me about
appearing on this show and said that things just weren't the same between you
and J.D. anymore. J.D., what do you have to say about this?"
He grinned. "Depends. Do you have time delay on those cameras or not?"
Pauline smiled back, nervously. "Cut to commercial."
********
"All right, we're back with Finding Your Inner Peace!" Pauline said.
"Our guests, Jason Dean and Veronica Sawyer, were just about to start cleansing
their psyches when we had to go to commercial. Now, J.D., when do you think
your relationship started going downhill?"
"Really downhill? Probably when she did this," he said, holding up his
left hand to show the audience his missing middle finger.
"You were trying to blow up the school, you asshole," Veronica said. "I
was justified!"
Pauline shifted uncomfortably. "Now both of you, destruction is not a
healthy way to channel anger. For example, deep breathing exercises are much
better. I have a videotape series that gives more details."
"For how much?" someone in the audience called.
"Only $19.95," Pauline said. "Thank you for asking. Now, I want both
of you to take one of these," she told them, giving them both palm-sized rubbery
bags filled with sand. "When you get stressed, just squeeze those. It's like a
worry stone," she said cheerfully. "Oooh, I think I might have some of those in
my desk, too. Remind me and I'll get you both some before you leave."
"I'll be eternally grateful," J.D. drawled.
Veronica sighed and turned to the audience. "This is exactly what I'm
talking about!" She turned back to J.D. "You don't take anything seriously!"
"Of course I do," he answered. "Just not you."
"See!" Veronica wailed, and Pauline went over to her and put an arm
around her shoulders.
"Now Veronica, don't worry. This is exactly what helps. Just let all
those emotions go, let them fly into the air. Okay? Flying now, flying. . ."
She looked over at J.D. "You can help with this at anytime, J.D."
He raised his eyebrows, and then closed his eyes and raised his hands
into a classic meditation position. "Okay, flying . . . in an airplane, far
away from this studio psych ward, flying. . ."
Pauline glared at him. "You are not helping with the therapeutic
process."
"So sorry."
"You're holding all of your emotions inside, and that's not good. What
we need is an outpouring of emotions! Now come on."
J.D. sighed, then took Veronica's hand. "Veronica?"
She smiled. "Yes?"
Before he even said anything, the audience was 'awww'ing again.
"The reason things aren't going well for us is because you're a neurotic
coward with no ability to finish what you start. And I would rather spend the
next three weeks at a continuous pep rally than go to the Prom with you."
Veronica was staring at him, Pauline was squawking inarticulately, and
the audience had fallen silent.
"Besides, there wouldn't be a Prom to worry about if you'd just stuck
with your first convictions and done what you really wanted. So you have no one
to blame but yourself for this mess." Then he looked around at everyone else,
feigning shock. "What?"
Pauline quickly went over to her desk and grabbed a handful of worry
stones, then handed them all to Veronica.
"There. Now just fiddle with those and imagine all of your stress and
hurt going into the rock, okay? Right into the rock." Then she turned to J.D.
"That was completely unacceptable!"
"What? You said to let out my emotions; that was what I was feeling."
"Well you aren't supposed to let it out like that! It isn't healthy."
J.D. gestured to Veronica. "You're making a tape of her bawling that's
going to be shown on national T.V. You're telling me that's healthy?"
"That's different. It's therapeutic."
"Yeah." J.D. stood up and walked toward the door. "Later."
Veronica sniffled, then bolted upright as the door shut. "No!"
Pauline put a hand on her shoulder. "Veronica, it's all right.
Sometimes things are meant to end. If you want to reschedule for next month
sometime, we can talk about closure-"
Veronica jerked away. "Dammit, Miss Phlegm, I knew this wouldn't work!
And you don't want to stay here if he's left, okay?"
Pauline Fleming blinked as Veronica yelled at the audience to leave.
"Veronica, calling me something like that is meant to be very hurtful, and it
displays unresolved anger. We need to discuss that. . . ."
The audience, instead of hurriedly leaving, just milled out into the
aisle and slowly headed for the exit, chatting amongst themselves along the way.
Veronica turned back to Pauline, who was in the middle of a lecture about
sending all your bad vibrations up into the cracks in the ceiling, and quickly
gave up on her.
Then she tried to shove past the audience members to get to the door,
but she was blocked off in the crowd.
"Oh shit."
Outside- and a good distance away from the huge fireball that had just
erupted- J.D. smiled. Then he tossed the ball Pauline had given him into the
air, pulled out his .44, and shot it. Sand flew everywhere, and J.D. smiled
again.
"Now that was fuckin' therapeutic."
****
Staci flicked a lock of auburn hair out of her face, then turned to look
over her shoulder, where J.D. was standing and looking very pleased with
himself.
"You know, I was going to put some spoof of a happy-hippy ending on this
thing. Why is it whenever I put you in an apparently 'lighthearted' story you
end up exploding things and killing people?"
He shrugged. "Nature of the beast, darling. Besides," he continued,
"it was for your own good."
"Really. How so?"
"Because if I'd let you control the entire plot line, you would have
ended up making me wear love beads or some idiotic thing like that, and then I
would have had to strangle you."
She raised her eyebrows. "Okay, having you be able to come out of the
stories was fun at first, but now you're definitely beginning to worry me."
Then she frowned. "Speaking of coming out of stories, have you seen Stephanie
since she and I wrote that last one?"
"No. And I haven't seen Will either. Which leads me to the conclusion
that-"
"That someday Stephanie will snap out of it, see this posted on the
internet, and threaten to kill me."
"Will she actually?"
"No."
"Good."
She smiled, and was about to thank him for the show of support when he
leaned closer and said, "That's my job, if you ever bring me near shit like lava
lamps in future stories."
She thought about making some smart-aleck comment, but instead just
kissed him. "Warning taken." Then she laughed. "And you, sir, have sand in
your hair."
"True. Suppose I'd better go take a shower. . ." Then he grinned.
"Want to join me?"
Staci flushed slightly, and glanced around. "J.D.! People are reading
this!"
"In that case. . ." His smile turned downright wicked. "My next
suggestion is that we-"
"Cut to commercial!"