Insomnia
by Staci Kaufmann
Cast:
Stephanie - legally, the author. 19, a bit kooky, works at a donut shop. Has
an identity crisis because of
Staci - Stephanie's distinctly more kooky alter ego, who works nowhere, and
instead appears on the internet
and in bylines with alarming regularity.
Will Scarlet - from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
Robert Boyd - from Very Bad Things
Adam - from Untamed Heart
Mark Hunter - from Pump Up the Volume
Clarence Worley - from True Romance
William - from Jimmy Hollywood
And, of course... ;-)
J.D. - from (do I even have to elaborate here? I didn't think so.)
Stephanie looked around the large, opulently decorated room, quite
pleased with herself. Then seven more people appeared, each more than slightly
confused.
"Greetings and salutations, everyone!" Stephanie said cheerfully.
J.D. arched an eyebrow. "I believe that's my line, darling."
"I know . . . just borrowing it, honest."
Then a chorus of puzzled mutterings and a few 'what the hell's filled
the room as the men looked around and realized that all of them were basically
duplicates. Ages, clothes, and several other little details were different, but
they were undeniably the same person.
"I can't believe this worked," Stephanie muttered. "I should have
thought of putting myself into a story
earlier!"
"Can't believe what worked?" Mark asked. "And isn't there a door to
this room?"
"Umm . . . no, I don't think I wrote one in."
"Then I suggest you do so," J.D. said. "Some of us don't feel like
staying in here and playing family
reunion, or whatever the hell this is."
"If you'll just wait a minute, I can explain. . ."
"I think what we have here is a 120-pound problem," Boyd said, moving
closer.
Stephanie immediately moved a couple of steps back. "Hey...I know what
that line means. Back off."
Then she paused. "And wait a minute, I don't remember bringing you in here.
Who invited you, anyway?"
She glanced over at J.D. "One sociopath is quite enough for the room."
Another girl suddenly appeared right next to her. She looked exactly
like Stephanie, except that her hair was longer, and auburn instead of brown.
"Make that two problems. . ." Boyd said.
"I wrote him in," the new arrival said. "And before you ask- just
because, that's why."
Stephanie rolled her eyes. "Staci, what are you doing here?"
"I'm your alter ego, remember? Wherever you are, I am."
"Great."
Mark shook his head. "And I thought Nora could get a little flaky
sometimes. . ."
Choosing to ignore that little comment, Stephanie attempted at
explaining. "See, Christian Slater's played so many different roles that I just
thought it'd be really neat if some of the characters could meet each other
somehow, and so-"
"Wait a minute. Who?" Will asked. "And what do you mean characters?"
Staci grinned. "Go ahead, Stephanie, explain."
"Dammit. The insanity quotient is apparently high enough already
without you here . . . go roam the net or something, okay? Besides, this was my
idea."
"Oh, I know that."
"For once. . ."
"After all, it's obviously not mine. Talk about an untaken
opportunity!" She grinned evilly. "For one thing, every guy in this room is
wearing far too many articles of clothing. . ."
Stephanie sighed loudly. "My alter ego is a demented nymphomaniac."
"Thank you, thank you."
While the girls were talking, most of the others took the opportunity to
wander around the room. Adam managed to find a book and a quiet corner to sit
down in and read, Mark turned on the radio, J.D. continued his hunt for a door,
and William watched Clarence shove a suitcase under the rug.
"What's in that?"
"You don't want to know."
Meanwhile, Boyd put a different suitcase under the opposite side of the
rug.
"Trust me; same answer."
Deciding to quit while he was ahead, William went off to examine a
brightly colored painting.
Will watched the two women, still trying to figure out what exactly was
going on.
"You know, at the start I just created you as a stage name- since when
did you get an actual personality?" Stephanie asked.
"Who knows? But hey, why question a blessing?"
Stephanie muttered something uncomplimentary, and then:
liyaerndfndkdaeaayyfh
"What was that?" Stephanie asked.
"Both of us are in here," Staci said. "Therefore, no one's watching the
computer." She booted Stephanie
out of the story to go deal with whichever cat had just walked across the
keyboard. Then she surveyed the
room, a wide grin on her face. "Hello there. . ."
Most of the men saw her expression and immediately decided to help J.D.
in his quest to find an exit.
Staci started to say something else, but suddenly found herself wearing
a colorful clown suit, complete with a bright red nose.
"Hey!"
"Boot me out of there, will you?"
"Excuse me a moment," Staci said, and then she disappeared too.
The search for a doorway proved fruitless. Boyd looked around, waiting
for either one of the girls to show up again.
"Apparently we're stuck in here. With a couple of crazy women," he
muttered.
J.D. laughed. He was beginning to appreciate all of this chaos . . .
but, he had other things to take care
of. "Not exactly stuck," he said.
"What are you talking about?" Boyd asked, looking around the room again.
He caught sight of the long-haired man who hadn't said a word during this entire
episode. "And doesn't he talk?"
Adam glanced up for a second, then returned his attention to his book.
"Whether you talk or not," J.D. said, "I suggest you move away from this
wall."
All of them quickly followed the instructions, and a moment later the
small bomb effectively created a door.
"Perfecto," J.D. said.
Most of the men immediately made use of the new exit. Will stayed, and
less than a minute later Stephanie and Staci reappeared- Stephanie now in an
elaborate medieval dress, and Staci in a black leather jumpsuit, complete with
thigh-high boots and cat ears.
"Just call me Catwoman," Staci said.
Stephanie looked down at their outfits, then over at Will, and smiled.
"It's a long story."
Then both of the girls froze, and stood staring at the hole in the wall.
"That had to have been J.D.," Stephanie said. "Staci, you idiot, did
you give him access to any explosives?"
"Of course not!" Staci said. "I'm not that crazy."
"Then how did that happen?" Staci wondered out loud, wandering over to
an undamaged part of the room as she continued to mutter. "Was he supposed to
do that? No. Dammit. I create characters; they don't listen to me. I don't
create the characters, just decide to use them in a story; they don't listen to
me. My own alter ego won't listen to me. . ."
Will, who had since decided to take an 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em'
attitude to all this, walked over to her and held out a yellow rose.
"May I have this dance?"
Stephanie smiled. "Let's just say I'm smarter than Maid Marian."
"Oh, come on," Staci protested as the two of them began to dance to a
slow song on the radio. "We have two left feet and you know it."
"What is this 'we'?"
Suddenly she and Will both disappeared, and Staci spun around, looking
all over the room.
Nothing.
Which meant that they'd both gone outside the story. "Great." Staci
sighed, then adjusted her cat-ears headband and smiled. She'd go outside the
story herself later. Right now. . . .
That was when the entire building exploded.
Mark looked back at the inferno and then continued walking. He did not
want to know.
"So, where are we off to?" Clarence asked.
"I don't know about you, but I'm going to find Nora," Mark said.
"Anyone in particular you're looking for?"
"Yeah," Clarence said, smiling. "Wait'll you meet her. She's a real
peach."
"I'm looking for Caroline," Adam said quietly.
"How about you?" Boyd asked William.
He blinked. "What?"
"Spacing out, hm?" Clarence asked.
William stared at the others blankly for a few seconds, then looked
around the landscape. "Are there any mummies in this place?" he asked
worriedly.
"Mummies?" Boyd asked. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm sure there aren't any," Mark said, deciding that this 'character'
business was way too weird. He'd almost prefer a day of high school . . .
almost.
William took that news in and grinned, and the group wandered off.
Staci appeared in midair, and shrieked when she looked down and realized
that she was transparent.
"Eeeeeeeek! Stephanie! Hello! Do something about this!"
Stephanie, who was otherwise occupied, didn't answer.
"Must I do everything around here?" Staci said to no one in particular.
"Oy vey." Then her plan to go outside the story and type herself back into a
corporeal body got put on hold when she saw a black-clad figure standing by
himself, watching the building burn. She immediately dropped down in front of
him.
"Goddammit, J.D.!"
"What?"
"You were not supposed to blow up the building!"
"Why not?"
She sighed. "Couldn't you at least have waited until it was empty?!
Because you are definitely not supposed to blow up one of the authors! That's
very. . ." She trailed off, staring. He really looked good. ". . . bad form,"
she finished lamely, practically forgetting what her point had been in the first
place.
He grinned at her, and Staci absently wondered if ghosts could faint.
"When have I ever cared about that, darling?"
"Oh yeah."
He held out his hand. "Our love is God. Let's go get a slushie."
She grinned, then made a wait-a-second gesture and quickly left the
story to give herself her normal
body back. Then she reappeared and took his hand.
"There a Snappy Snack Shack anywhere in this place?" he asked.
"Technically, I'm the author too," Staci said, grinning as they headed
off down the road. "We can find
anything we want."
[Author's Note- "The above is meant as a comedy piece, and as an example of
what happens when one reads too much fanfiction and then doesn't get enough
sleep. It is not meant as an actual insight into the demented author's mind and
dual personalities. Really. So please, nobody call the funny farm. Thank you."
*in the distance, sirens sound* "Oh, not again. . ."]