9 LIVES BY:J.L. TOLBERT The motorcycle, that is definitely what I saw first. Parked in front of Lovejoy High School on a Monday morning in January. It looked so lost among the vast number of Honda's and Ford's. It sparkled like a diamond in a sea of sand. As I walked off the school bus I couldn't take my eyes off of it. But there was no owner sitting cockily on top of the beautiful machine. No one near it that could own it. I knew that even as I made my way up to the school's entrance. "Hey Maddie!" Brian Goodall said with an exaggerated tone of excitement as he threw his arms around my shoulders. "Not today Brian. I'm not in the mood for your shit today." I replied trying to extract his thick football player arms off of me. The comment didn't sway Brian; he took it as a sign for further torment. "Going to a funeral today, MADDIE? Ya look like death. Did daddy get a new customer? Some old geezer that croaked in his sleep again?" I sighed heavily, another day full of funeral parlor jokes. Cute, ORIGINAL. Can't they at least pick something else to try and humiliate me with? "No I just feel I should mourn for your mother. Her offspring is, so clearly, lacking intelligence that I feel her pain. I guess that's what happens when cousins marry," I took a long second to let the last comment linger, allowed it to fully sink through Brian's 150 layers of bashed in skull, "I guess it's not her fault though, she probably thought it could be a bit like royalty, huh? But I guess she's never seen how ASS UGLY those people are either. Someone should've told her the effects of incest, don't you think BRIAN?" I stood in front of Brian for a moment longer. Just long enough to tilt my head and look thoughtfully into his empty blue eyes. I tried to see if anything existed behind those eyes. Any sign of intelligence or emotion. I saw nothing. So with a shake of my head and a muffled laugh I turned around and walked to my locker, leaving Brian to deal with the questioning glares of the onlookers. As I bent down and turned the knob on my locker I felt a shadow pass over me. I paused, only long enough to look into the tiny mirror that hung from a magnet on my locker door. Black army pants and black boots. Maybe an encounter with the school Nazi heads, that should be fun with the way my day is going so far. I removed my American History book along with my copy of Moby Dick my English class was reading, then slammed the locker door, twisted the knob of the lock and stood. As I turned around I was surprised to be greeted with a face I had never seen before. A boy I had never seen before. The boy had thick black hair, the blackest I had ever seen in my life. His skin was the color of ivory and his eyes; there was something about those hazel eyes. They were dark, very dark, but they were indeed hazel. His arched eyebrows were turned upward mockingly. He wore a black T-shirt and a black coat to match his black army pants and boots. I knew he was looking at me and letting everything sink in as I had done the same with him. The thoughts of his eyes wondering all over my body made me hold my books tightly to my chest as if they were a shield protecting me. I felt utterly naked with him looking at me. "Greetings and salutations. Hey look at there, we match!" He said smiling at my clothes. I had to look down at myself to see what he was talking about. It was true. I was wearing a black skirt and tights along with a black long sleeved T- shirt and leather jacket. My boots weren't unlike his own, soft leather, fairly expensive, scuffed at the toe. As I noticed my appearance for the first time in years it seemed, I felt embarrassed that I hadn't even attempted to do anything with my long curly hair. I had given up years ago on the styles lost to my brillo-head and often just threw it all into a sagging ponytail. Today was no different. As I looked up from myself I saw the boy openly grinning at me. "My name's Jason . . . Dean. My name's Jason Dean. I uh, I just moved here. I guess I'm the new kid at Lovejoy High." He said returning his gaze to the ground. "Congratulations. I'm sure you would learn this with time but since you're new I'll give you a pointer. If you wanna try and live a normal teenage existence while attending this asshole filled school you probably want to just turn around and march yourself as far away from me as your skinny legs will allow." I said, all the while praying he wouldn't listen to me. "You can call me JD." He said laughing. "Look, are you hard of hearing? I just said 'if.' " "Yeah my hearing is good. I know what I'd have to do if I wanted to fit in at this school. But uh, if you look at me you'll see I'm not trying to impress anybody in a letterman's sweater or a cheerleading outfit. The whole high school popularity, going to football games to cheer on my fellow students-not really my scene. In fact the only way I'd attend a high school football game is if it was gonna get bombed. Call me anti social but I just don't play well with others." I looked at his face for a long minute. I knew what he said was true. He would never fit in with the students of Lovejoy high. Not even willingly. I shook my head and pulled a stray curl behind my ear and said, "Yeah, I don't really play well with others either. They, and I say 'they' meaning the entire student body at Lovejoy, they pretty much think I'm some kind of freak. My dad owns a funeral parlor." I looked down at my boots and started to laugh to myself. "Whenever I walk by they say, 'make way for the walking dead'. They think it bothers me. It doesn't though." I was still staring at my boots, deep in thought, when the bell rang for homeroom. I pointed one finger up and said, "Homeroom bell. Guess I gotta go. See ya." I began to walk away but then I turned my head and said, "By the way, my name's Madison, Madison Donovan." I reached the door of my homeroom and looked at JD, "You can call me Maddie." * * * Half the day had passed and I hadn't seen JD again. As I sat down on the grass outside the school to eat my lunch I began giving up hope that I would ever see him again. I looked down at my carrot and broccoli sticks and started to take a drink of my bottled water when a familiar shadow passed over me, blocking the sun. "You actually eat that?" JD said in his scratchy voice. "Well it's better than the cafeteria's mystery meat Monday's, don't ya think?" I replied. "I don't know . . . it's a toss up for me. You only live once you know. At least most people." "And once is never enough to do it right. I'd think you'd need at least two lives to live the life you would really want to live, you know?" I asked. JD took a seat beside me on the grass and sighed heavily. "I'd say much more than two, if you really want to LIVE. Like cats. They got it made, nine lives. Just think of all the shit we could do with NINE lives. No more looking back with regret. Shit, never wondering what you could've done. I I looked up at the sky and let the sun burn into my skin and smiled at the thought. "Yeah, I guess cat's are pretty cool. But their treacherous, ya know? They're so independent that they're really not loyal. Can't put anything past a cat." I said as the smile began to dissolve from my face. JD nodded, "I guess their alot like humans, huh?" We both just sat there for a minute, neither of us saying anything. Then JD stood up and dusted himself off and said, "I'm gonna make a run to the Snappy Snack Shack. I need some reinforcements. You wanna come along? I got a motorcycle. We'll be back before anybody suspects." I stood up and swiped at the lingering blades of grass on my clothes and nodded. "Ok. I doubt anyone will even notice. Sometimes fading into obscurity has its good traits." And with that JD grabbed my hand and we walked away from the school. And I never looked back. * * * "You want anything? I'm buying." JD said smiling. "Um, no thanks. I just came along for the ride. Oh god, CornNuts. I used to love those things." I said remembering when my mother would stop at the Snappy Snack Shack to buy them for me after a punishment. I turned to explain to JD about the CornNuts and saw that his back had gone all stiff, his face looked drawn and tight. I walked over to him and asked, "What? What's the matter?" JD's hands had been clenching the side of the counter where the slushy machine was placed. I looked down at his white knuckles and touched his shoulder. "What is it? Are you ok?" I asked concerned. JD glanced my way before exhaling sharply and replying, "No it's nothing. I just . . . knew someone that used to like CornNuts. Just brought back all these memories. Not very pleasant." He said laughingly. I understood by the tone of his voice that there was no further explanation coming. He had said all that he would say about this girl and I was not supposed to ask any unwanted questions. So I walked up to the checkout counter and asked the attendant for a pack of cigarettes and picked up a pack of gum, turned around and said, "So are you paying or what?" * * * The next few weeks passed with ease. I had found a confidant in JD and school had in return, become more bearable. I didn't know what JD and I were together. We hadn't gone on dates or even kissed. The school seemed to fade away when we were together. Brian Goodall didn't bother taunting JD and me and I really did begin to fade into obscurity. I began to think, 'maybe one life isn't too bad'. Then on a Wednesday morning in February everything stopped. We had rode to school together and parted at our lockers. I went to all my classes and did all the things I had done every day for the past three and half years of my high school existence. Pretending to take notes in Chemistry and faking enthusiasm in French. It was when I asked to be excused to go to the rest room that things started to fall apart. I walked down the halls past the class rooms full of half awake students and started to open the girls bathroom door when I heard a cry from the boys bathroom. It was low and muffled. I could hear roars of empty laughter overlapping the moans of terror coming from in side. As I walked towards the door the sounds became louder and louder. I could feel beads of sweat forming on my brow as my fingers inched nearer to the door handle. I was just about to softly nudge the door open when a strong hand circled my wrist and twisted me to face the person who had seen me closing in on the bathroom noises. It was JD. I furrowed my forehead in a questioning manner and was about to ask what the hell was going on when he pulled me into a janitor's closet. As I stumbled onto an overturned bucket JD peered out of the door. I began asking what we were doing when JD turned around and said, "They hear you and we're both fucked." I shut my mouth and began biting my nails. What was going on? Who was in that bathroom? What was going on? I could hear the sounds of raging laughter coming from the halls and could place the ring leaders voice. It was Brian Goodall. JD watched through the door and when the laughter had faded he turned to me. His eyes looked steely and dark. I knew whatever had happened, JD knew about it. His face was twisted into a scowl and his lips were drawn tight into a straight line. I waited for him to explain but he just stared. I grew so impatient sitting there that finally I asked, "What the fuck was that? What is going on?" JD began pacing in the dark closet, I could see him balling and unballing his fist. He didn't seem to notice me anymore. "JD! Tell me!" I yelled. He looked up and into my eyes and just as he opened his mouth we heard the lock on the door begin to twist. I froze at the thought of being discovered by whom ever it was we had been hiding from just moments earlier. JD pulled me up from the bucket and grabbed my face. His lips touched mine and my mind began to burn with the thought of being discovered in such a way. I started to pull away but the door opened and JD held tight on to my back forcing me to be still. As I began to reel at the taste of JD's mouth I heard a low voice reply, "Oh, Sorry kids. Didn't know you were in here. Let me just get my bucket and I'll be on my way. Oh and don't worry I'm no snitch." With that the elderly janitor, whom was simply called Bob, left JD and me alone in the closet. I pushed my face away from JD and said, "What is going on JD? What just happened?" But my voice was merely a whisper. Our faces were still so close I could smell the last cigarette JD had still warm on his breath. I could feel the heat from his body and I couldn't tear my eyes away from his neck. I knew if I looked any higher that I wouldn't have the strength to ask the question I needed to know the answer to. I knew that this close I couldn't resist anything JD offered. As I began to speak again JD lifted my chin up, forcing me to look him in his eyes. I didn't know what had happened but whatever it was had twisted and broke something in JD that had lived inside him so long it made his eyes look tired and sad. I wanted to reach in him and grab whatever lived in the darkness of his mind and steal it away. I wanted to own it so that I could own a piece of him. I lifted my fingers to his face and touched the soft skin around his eyes and whispered so softly to this day I can't be sure the words actually escaped my lips, "Tell me, JD." And then he kissed me and the heat of his urge and anger swept over me. I felt like I couldn't breath. It was like he was reaching inside me and ripping out everything I had always thought and never was brave enough to do. I felt myself float away. I could see the first day we met, him leading me away from the school. His hand so soft and steady. And I felt myself say goodbye to everything I had ever known to be real. He was taking all of me, and I did not care. "He was this little freshman. Couldn't have weighed more than a hundred and twenty pounds. Just walking to his locker, probably forgot his book or something. They grabbed him. Five of them it took to grab a hundred and twenty pound freshman. They threw him into the bathroom. And I could hear them . . . " JD stopped and shook his head. He took a long drag off his cigarette and exhaled. I knew that he could still hear the cries of that boy. I could still hear them. We sat silently on my bed. I didn't expect JD to finish explaining what they had done to the freshman. I was smart enough to fill in the blanks for myself. To hear the actual words would have been too cruel to withstand. To have the truth be so ugly that saying it made you dirty was cruel and JD did not want to be cruel, at least not to me. I could see the wheels turning inside his head. I knew he wouldn't let Brian Goodall and his lackeys get away with what they had done. I could see the rage and hatred rise up in JD until he was cloaked in it. He hadn't tried to save the kid. Neither had I. We were guilty. We were cruel without meaning to be. And JD couldn't suppress his anger a second time. He was drowning in it. It was feeding him and I knew whatever he was going to do I would be a part of. I wouldn't ask any questions. I wouldn't speak of the thing that had passed between us in the dark closet. "Do you know where Brian lives?" he asked flatly. I looked down at my nails and nodded, "Yeah, I know where he lives." JD began pacing the floor in my room just as he had done in the closet. "He's having a party on Saturday. His parents, they went away on some work related thing, right?" he asked me. "That's what I've heard. They're both doctors. They went to some kind of convention or something. They won't be back until Monday I think." "He lives on a crowded street or a suburb?" JD prodded. I shook my head and looked up at JD, "No, his family, they're from old money. His father had their house built on a hundred acres of land past Lovejoy City limits. That's why they always have parties out there. No neighbors to complain about the loud music." I said standing up and walking over to my window. "Good. That's good. That's perfecto. No neighbors. We couldn't get any luckier." He said stopping mid-stride. As I looked out into the darkness of my suburban street I began to worry. I needed to know what JD was planning. I turned to look at him and said, "JD, what are we," "MADISSON! YOU"VE GOT A PHONE CALL!" My mother interrupted. I cursed under my breath and picked up the phone beside my bed, "Hello?" I said into the receiver. "Hey Maddie, I didn't know you liked hiding out in closets. Thought you were just into coffins." A deep voice said. I looked at JD, "Who is this?" I asked. JD stood beside me and pressed his head near the phone. "THINK REAL HARD MADDIE." The voice said louder. "I know this is you Brian." I said softly. My hands were sweating and my grip on the phone was starting to waver. "You just make sure you and that faggot boyfriend of yours keep to yourselves about what you THINK happened today." My breath began to quicken; I could no longer hide my fear and anger anymore. I felt like I was suffocating. "Who knows, maybe next time it'll be you in that bathroom." I could feel my knees begin to buckle underneath me. JD put his arm around my waist to steady me. "Or would you rather I come over to your place. You could show me the inside of one of those coffins." The voice began to laugh uncontrollably. The sound of the laughter made my arm go limp and the phone dropped to the floor. JD sat me down on the bed and picked up the receiver. He listened for a moment before hanging it up. He sat down beside me and touched my knee. "Tomorrow's Thursday, JD. That's two days until the party. What are we gonna do for two days?" I asked while trying to slow my pulse. I felt weak from allowing such a fool's threat make me so scared. I felt ashamed that I had done nothing to help that boy in the bathroom. And most of all I felt hatred for someone so low as Brian Goodall who fed off of other peoples weaknesses. JD leaned his face into my neck and my collarbone. "We're gonna make arrangements for all the guests at Brian Goodall's party to see fire works worthy of the fourth of July." He whispered into my hair. * * * I had never been to Brian Goodall's house. I had never been invited to his parties. I had never tried to crash any of his after game brew ha ha's. I did however know where he lived, thanks to an over eager freshman pal I had, Margie Stemmons. Margie was beautiful and smart, she would later learn to ignore me, as her budding popularity would be put at a stand still until throwing away our friendship like Saturday morning's trash. She had wanted to see what one of Brian's parties was like. We had parked a safe distance away and watched from afar all the drunken teenagers stumble out of their parents expensive cars and then at 4 am we watched them stumble back into those same cars and drive home. The night had been uneventful and Brian had found out about our curiosity. He used it to further humiliate me publicly but weeks later Margie attended her first "GOODALL" party. I never spoke to her again. I never really blamed Margie. If the situation was reversed I cannot say in good standing that I would not have made the same decision, though I've always hoped my loyalty would have been stronger. As JD sat at his desk, concentrating on the sticks of dynamite he held, I wondered if Margie would be attending Saturday's party. A slight smile began to curl around my lips and I allowed myself only a moment of gratification at the thought of her beautiful blonde head exploding all over Mrs. Goodall's Persian carpet mid sentence. Nine lives, that's what JD and I had decided it would take to get a life right. I knew after Saturday I could never return home. I would have to begin my second life. I could only pray it would be better than my first. JD had decided we would explain to our parents that we were going to the Goodall party. When the explosion occurred we couldn't be blamed. We would be dead. Of course we would have to run. Permit the world to swallow us up so that we could elude any questioning. I wasn't worried about this. I was however worried how at ease JD was building the bomb. I looked up from his bed and asked, "Where are you from JD?" "No where important, darling." He replied. I nodded knowing it wouldn't be as easy as I had hoped. "What's the last place you moved from then?" I asked, hoping this would be a far less intruding question. "Ohio, I came from Ohio." He said slightly annoyed. "But you're not originally from Ohio, right?" I continued. JD sighed heavily and in a louder, more stern voice, said, "What? Do ya want my fucking biography? What do you care?" I threw my legs onto the floor and took out a cigarette from JD's nightstand. I lit the cigarette and took a long drag off of it before nodding and saying, "Ok, JD. Have it your way. I won't ask anymore questions if you answer at least one truthfully." He didn't answer. I didn't expect him to. I walked over to his desk and placed my hand on the back of his neck and asked, "So what life is this? Your third? Your fourth? What's the count up to JD?" I felt his neck grow hot. I knew I had finally asked the right question. I just didn't know if I really wanted to know the answer. JD went still, he gently eased the cigarette out of my hand. When he exhaled the smoke he turned my hand over and kissed the soft skin of my wrist. "Eighth, darling. This would be my eighth life. Eight schools and eight states." He began to laugh to himself. "If you think Lovejoy is filled with assholes you should've seen my last school." I stroked the side of his face and asked, "You had a girlfriend, in each state. Right?" JD nodded and then stopped before saying, " Well, not in every state. Just in Ohio." "She liked CornNuts?" I asked. "No, not particularly. Her friend, she loved CornNuts. In fact one of the last things I ever heard . . ." He stopped. The spell was broken. He had said too much and would not say more. The wall was there, and maybe it would always be there. At the moment I was too tired to try and break through, so I smiled and said, "I said one question didn't I?" JD looked up at me and smiled, with that he returned all his attention to the dynamite. Saturday rolled around fairly easily. I received no more phone calls and endured only the slightest glares and menacing looks the rest of the week. Brian thought I was too scared to talk and no longer felt threatened by me. My anxiety grew stronger as JD and I waited out early hours of Saturday morning. I knew we would have to break into the house while Brian was out buying beer and other alcoholic beverages. The thought of actually stepping foot into the Goodall house made my skin crawl. JD reassured me that no one would be home and all he needed was a total of ten minutes tops to secure the bomb. I would serve as a look out. If anyone drove up while JD was still in the house I was to ring the doorbell twice and then run like hell from the house. The hardest part of the whole ordeal would be waiting for JD to set up the Thermals upstairs. I wouldn't be able to see or hear him through the small window in the basement. This would surely take ten years off of my life, just waiting. JD and I rode over to Crestdale Street and walked the remaining mile through the woods so no one driving down the street would see us. We arrived thirty minutes later at a bluff overlooking the large house. Brian's BMW was still parked in his driveway. We waited two and half-hours for Brian and his friends to come trotting outside the house. After they sped away we waited fifteen minutes more to make sure they wouldn't be driving back too soon. As we walked to the back of the house I could feel my heart racing and my stomach turn. JD turned around just in time to see me throw up that morning's toast and orange juice. I wiped my mouth on a tissue I had brought, foreshadowing my inevitable nervous stomach. As I looked up I half grinned in JD's direction and nodded. I would be fine. It took less than a minute to find the small basement window, the lock had been broken years ago at another party while under age drunks tried to run as the police came to thin out the party. JD was a tight fit but he was able to get through. As I waited sweat began forming at my forehead. I lifted my hands up to find I had my fingers in such tight fists that my nails had made fairly deep cuts on my palm. The blood was rushing through my veins and my heart thudded thickly in my chest. I was about to give into a faint when JD appeared at the window. He didn't say a word just pointed upstairs and then he was gone. Five minutes went by before I heard the soft crunch of tires on gravel approaching the Goodall residence. My feet felt like they were cemented into the grown. Fear swept over me and I positive my heart had ceased beating. I didn't know what to do. Everything fell out of my head. I could feel the bile in my stomach start to rise as my mind cried out for some sort of instructions on what I was supposed to do next. My temples ached and the hairs on the back of my neck stood straight up. THINK, THINK, THINK!!! Then my legs began to twitch. Just as I reserved myself to falling down helplessly and giving into being caught . . . I ran. I ran as fast as my legs would carry me to the back door and rang the doorbell. I was panting and trying when on the third ring I felt a hand cover my mouth. "Quiet!" JD whispered. I shook my head agreeing not to make a peep. He turned me around and grabbed my hand and within seconds we were running through grass and low tree branches. My legs ached and it felt like I hadn't taken a breath in hours when JD threw me to the ground on top of the bluff. We were hidden behind trees and the darkness of the woods. I kneeled on the ground gasping for air as JD watched as Brian and his friends ran up the front steps carrying a keg of beer. I could feel rocks and broken branches cutting through my jeans as I tried to collect myself. A few minutes passed before I dared to ask the question that I knew would seal JD's and my fate. "Did you have enough time?" I struggled to spit out. JD turned to me and said, "Just barely." And then laughed. The sound was so musical that it rose a soft smile from my quivering lips and then an even softer giggle. JD bent down and kissed me full on the lips. Twenty minutes later we were on his bike riding towards my house. * * * Three hours later we were still laying in my bed. Entangled in each other. I knew the scent of him was thick on me. I was so happy lying there in his arms that I almost wanted to ditch the whole "viewing" party we had planned. But JD insisted we remove ourselves from bed and pack. He watched as I folded mounds of underwear, jeans and T-shirts into my small duffel bag he bought me from the army surplus store. JD was quick to object to an unnecessary pair of shoes or a picture of my family. "You have to burn all bridges darling. There can't be anything linking you here." He explained. So I chose things I knew I would need, nothing more nothing less. JD had his bag packed along with a couple thousand dollars he took from his dad, BIG BUD DEAN,"he'll never miss it," he assured me. We were off by ten o'clock. We sat on top of the bluff overlooking the house, smoking cigarettes and waiting. We said little in case our voices carried. We waited and waited until one thirty in the morning. JD had said it was the perfect time because everyone who was coming would have already been there and it was too early so no one would be leaving yet. We watched the shadows of all the popular kids dance around the lavish living room. The jocks escorting mildly objective sophomores up to empty bedrooms. The lights would turn on and soon after turn off. We watched them all parade around like drunken animals and at 1:29 we stood up. We stood cloaked behind trees and the night and slowly waited for the seconds to tick tick tick away. JD grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly. Just seconds before the bomb was to explode he pulled me to him roughly and kissed me so hard I almost didn't hear the eruption of the house. I could feel the heat on the side of my face and hear the sound of the debris from the broken house flying but JD still held me to him. The second exposition was far less severe. The house was already engulfed in flames. People inside it certainly dead. JD finally let go of me and we both looked down at the Victorian rubble. Our hands were still clenching one another and as we turned to each other we smiled. I could feel the smile radiate all the way from my soul. I knew I had never been happier in my life. But with such happiness something is always lost. And even through all the joy I was feeling I could sense that loss. Something in those last few minutes slipped away. Something that had been disappearing for years, just so slowly that I hadn't noticed it. As JD bent his forehead down to mine, I said, "We're both crazy, aren't we?" JD stroked my hair and lifted my chin and said with a smile on his face, "Certifiable, my darling. Certifiable." We walked the way back to the motorcycle in silence. We had shared something so deep and raw there wasn't really much else to say. We drove five towns over and stopped at a used bike shop. JD sold his beautiful Harley for ten thousand dollars and no questions from the owner of the shop. We walked two miles north of the bike shop to a used car dealership. We bought an old Buick Skylark from a greasy fat man who for cash paying customers needed hardly any identification at all. As we drove down the highway smoking cigarettes I could feel an easiness settle between us. I knew JD trusted me with his life now. I knew whatever questions I had he would answer. For the first time since meeting JD, I had no questions I needed answers to. I knew everything I needed to know. I looked out the window and watched the cars pass us on the highway. We were heading north, into our new lives. My second one. I smiled at the thought of that. Starting over would be nice. "What are you thinking?" JD asked glancing at me. I lit a cigarette and said, "Just that this is my second life. How nice it's gonna be to start over." JD nodded and took the cigarette I offered. As I watched him inhale I said, "This is your ninth JD. Your ninth life, you know that?" I asked. JD smiled and nodded, "So it is. Guess this cat's gotta settle down, huh?" He asked me mockingly. I looked down at his hand and for the first time saw the outlines of a scar. It seemed to lead up underneath his shirt. As I racked my mind to remember if I had ever seen that scar before I said, "No, that's not what that means. It means you gotta make this one count JD. Out of all your lives the only one that counts is your ninth." I turned back to the window and whispered softly, "It's the only one that counts." As JD drove I knew whatever I had lost at the explosion would never come back to me. It had been severed and would never return. I wondered at how much pain one person could cause someone else, directly, before feeling normal again. The very thought frightened me. Could JD and I ever possibly have a happy ending? Could we ever find that place where the normal and insane just barely miss each other everyday on the street. And if we did would we ever opt for normal? My brain felt soft from all the chaos and questioning. I was too tired to even care what the answers were. Too drained to care if these were the questions I should be asking myself. I leaned my head back against the seat and I looked over at JD. My eyes once again lingered on the soft skin of the scar on his hand. I must've seen it before and just forgot. I watched as JD drove me from the only place I had ever called home. A place where I couldn't have been more alone. As we rode in silence I gave no silent vigil to the passing of the old Madison Donovan. Why bother missing what's already gone? Instead I let her slip from my hands and watched her float towards the sky. As she waved and smiled a sad smile I turned away. I did not look back.