We Love as One – Chapter 10

Disclaimer in index

 

“I’m fine, Janet. Just a little bump on the head. I’m fine. Stop shining that light in my eye.” Sam grumbled as she lay in the infirmary, head wrapped in protective gauze and squinting from Janet’s penlight.

 

“I’ll be the one to determine that, Sam.” Janet said sternly, switching her penlight off and turned around, almost bumping into a hovering Elias. She raised an eyebrow and he backed off, smiling sheepishly.

 

“Janet, you’ve conducted all your tests and they’ve proven that I’m well enough. Since the general’s given me time off, I’ll just have someone drive me home where you can be assured that I’ll take whatever medication you prescribe and spend the rest of the day sleeping.” Sam cajoled, not wanting to be stuck in an otherwise empty infirmary by herself. The colonel had been released and ordered by the general to stay home for two days and Sam longed for her comfy bed and PJ’s.

 

“Sammy…” Jacob began before trailing off at the look on his daughter’s face. He shook his head and commented to Selmac that she looked exactly how her mother used to when she preferred him to stay out of the conversation. She could get pretty stubborn, a trait she picked up from him.

 

Janet sighed, but knew that medical wise, Sam was right. She had proven herself to be aware and competent enough to be released, provided she didn’t exert herself. Janet also knew that Sam would be more likely to get some rest when she at home and comfortable than staying in her quarters on base where everything was built for utilitarian use rather than comfort.

 

“Come on, Janet. You can even do a house call later on if you want.” Sam pleaded, knowing by the look on Janet’s face that she was caving in. “Daniel can bring me home, right Daniel?” Sam looked in askance and Daniel nodded, backing his friend up.

 

“Fine, Sam.” Janet relented, knowing she was beaten. She took a pill bottle out of a cabinet and handed it to Sam. “Take one of these if you get a headache or experience bouts of dizziness. No more than four a day at five hour intervals. I’m ordering complete bed-rest for you, which means no working. Do not exert yourself in anyway, understand?”

 

“Yes, M’am.” Sam nodded and slowly eased herself off the bed. It wouldn’t do for her to collapse in front of Janet; she’d change her mind in a flash and have Sam strapped to an infirmary bed. “Hey, Daniel, would it be alright if I changed first and then you can drive me home?”

 

Daniel nodded again. “Sure thing, Sam. Actually, I’m going to call Jack and tell him what’s going on. Knowing him, he’s probably going crazy in his house. Find me in my office when you’re done.” Daniel smiled and waved as he left.

 

“I am glad that you have sustained no major injuries, Major Carter. I, too, must take my leave now to perform kel’no’reem.” Teal’c sent a small smile to his friend, bowed his head, and also left.

 

“I’m going to inform George, Sammy. Malek raised the suggestion of asking him for a few P-90s just in case the Tok’ra run into any metal suckers. Then they’ll go back to the Tok’ra base to pass on what little research we got; hopefully, someday we could return there. Do you mind if I drop by later?” Jacob asked his daughter.

 

Sam smiled. “Not a problem, dad. Just show up whenever.”

 

Jacob nodded and returned her smile. “Good. We’re just going to go. Elias, you coming?”

 

“Actually dad, I wondered if I could talk to Elias in private for a moment. Would it be all right if he caught up to you?” Sam interjected.

 

Elias was startled, but pleased that Samantha wanted to talk to him. Before leaving, Jacob shared a look with Elias, but Sam couldn’t decipher it.

 

Sam cleared her throat and fiddled with her hands before she squared her shoulders. “Elias, there’s something I need you to explain to me and I want you to be honest with me, understand?” She said firmly.

 

Both Elias and Lantash, not anticipating Samantha’s serious behavior, felt confused and frowned at her question. “Samantha, I have always endeavored to be honest with you; I have been honest with you. Have I given you indication that I was not truthful?”

 

Sam shook her head and crossed her arms. “Elias, I want to know how you knew my name. There’s a possibility that you heard it from my father talking, but I just remembered, he always, *always* calls me Sam or Sammy whenever he talks about me. Where did you hear my name?”

 

Elias grew flustered, but maintained his composure. “It is true that Jacob does not refer to you as ‘Samantha’, I heard it from another Tok’ra.” He hedged, not wanting to say Lantash’s name.

 

Sam stepped closer to Elias and stared unblinkingly into his eyes. “There’s something going on with you, Elias. I know there is. My father, Malek, Korra…they all know something’s going on. Why do I get the feeling that you know more about me than you’re letting on?”

 

(Could she possibly know?) Elias asked, bewildered.

 

<It sounds like she suspects something. But I do not know how. We must tread carefully Elias.> Lantash advised, troubled at the upset tone of his beloved and the hurt and question in her eyes. He hated lying to her, but he was under some rather silly orders not to reveal himself.

 

“Where would you get that impression, Samantha?” Elias wondered if he should even still be calling her by her name, but decided to since the damage was already done.

 

Sam raised an eyebrow. “Elias, when we first met and in the early hours afterward, you called me Major Carter. It was only when we started talking to each other on a more personal level that you started to call me Samantha. I find that curious. You talked to me as if you had done it before, as if you already knew me.”

 

Elias shrugged helplessly, unable to answer Sam’s direct questions. He couldn’t seek help from Lantash since his symbiote was already wallowing in guilt and anything Lantash would say would make things worse.

 

“Elias,” Sam exhaled heavily. “I asked you to be honest with me. There’s more to you than you or the other Tok’ra are letting on and obviously, it involves me. Now I want an answer from you.”

 

“Samantha…” Elias began. “I cannot…”

 

“How come I haven’t been introduced to your symbiote yet? In fact, the name of your symbiote is still a mystery to the whole SGC.” Sam asked curiously. “What is your symbiote’s name, Elias?”

 

Elias chose to remain silent, enduring Sam’s interrogation.

 

Sam placed a hand on Elias’s arm and looked gently, but seriously into his grey eyes. “After I revealed to you that I was still in love with Martouf and Lantash, you looked…almost like you were in shock and speechless.” Sam paused before going ahead with the idea that was formulating in her head. “Why would you react like that? If you were truly a stranger to me, you wouldn’t have even broached the subject with me, but it was like you wanted to know, you needed to know. Tying together the fact that you won’t reveal who your symbiote is, it’s almost plausible to me that your symbiote is Lantash.”

 

Sam knew she guessed right as she saw Elias’s eyes widen and his mouth opened to make a quick denial when Sam pressed on. “You said you’d be honest with me. Lantash would never lie to me; he would never hurt me like that. Even if he didn’t love me back, Lantash and Martouf would never, never risk hurting me so badly.”

 

Elias stammered, frantically asking Lantash what he should do. Lantash was still no help; still in shock over Samantha rightly assuming his identity and her impassioned and severe speech about how he would never lie to her. She was right; he couldn’t lie to her. She had been hurt so much and was still hurting, that was clear in her blue eyes. Eyes he remembered so well, eyes that he had dreamt of for so long, ever since meeting her. He couldn’t lie to her; he couldn’t. And the fact that the thought of both him and Martouf not loving her back broke Lantash’s ‘heart’; he knew they should’ve revealed their feelings to her.

 

But it was too late now. Here she was, standing in front of him, in pain, hurting, and pleading for an answer. He wanted so badly to tell her the truth and ease her suffering. He hated seeing her like this. That whole za’tarc incident happened before anything between them could be straightened out and Lantash felt pain at leaving Samantha feeling so unsure and unhappy.

 

As the silence wore on, Sam attempted one last time to draw out the truth from the man and symbiote in front of her. “Back there, when you were carrying me through the gate and before I blacked out, you said something to me.”

 

Lantash panicked, he was so sure that she hadn’t heard what he said in the heat of the moment. He was just so worried that he’d lose her that he wasn’t thinking when he said what he had said.

 

“You told me that Martouf was gone, but that you couldn’t lose me. You called me love. There is only one Tok’ra who could have reason to say those things to me and only one Tok’ra who knew me well enough, one Tok’ra who shared a bond with me so deep that could prompt you to call me love. Elias, Lantash is your symbiote. It makes sense to me now. Martouf…Martouf is gone…” Sam choked as tears built up. “But Lantash lived and right now, he’s listening to me from inside you. He can hear me, he heard me when I said I loved him, still love him. You won’t tell me if I’m right though, will you? I gathered that for some twisted reason the Tok’ra don’t want us to know about you. I don’t understand why; don’t I have the right to know? To know what happened to man that I…that I loved? Aren’t I important enough? Is it because I’m not Tok’ra?” Sam asked, not really expecting an answer. She wiped the tears falling down her cheeks. “I don’t…don’t understand. Do you like watching me hurt like this? Elias…Lantash, please, nothing in my life has been more important to me than hearing you survived and that I’m talking to you right now. Please.” Sam whispered the last word, looking at the Tok’ra in front of her.

 

Elias’s eyes flashed, signaling a change, but still he remained silent. The only other change in his demeanor was the silent longing in his grey eyes.

 

Sam’s shoulders slumped as she admitted defeat and possibly humiliation as she revealed her feelings, something she never did. She swallowed hard and closed her eyes momentarily, trying to compose herself. Sam took a deep shuddering breath and walked out of the room.

 

“It was the Tok’ra High Council’s decision.” The voice of Elias’s symbiote answered softly behind her. Sam paused in her departure, but didn’t turn around. “I was not there when they gave the order to Jacob and Jacob himself was not told the reasons. We were under orders not to reveal my presence to you or the others, Samantha…” Lantash’s voice softened as he found himself talking to the woman he loved after so long.

 

Sam covered her mouth with her hand, attempting to stifle the sobs, but her shoulders shook nonetheless.

 

Lantash took a step forward, his hand reaching for her, but stopped short of touching her. “You are correct Samantha. It is I, Lantash. Shortly after the za’tarc incident, I was separated from Martouf and both of us were placed in stasis. I was able to recuperate and it was only hours before we were to meet up with you that I was blended with Elias. Martouf…was placed in stasis, but his injuries were too severe. The decision was made for him to be taken out of stasis and let him go; the High Council then decided to give his body for further za’tarc research, but while in transport, Martouf’s body was taken by persons unknown. When we left, there was still an investigation going on.”

 

Sam gasped and placed a hand to her chest. “You lost Martouf’s body?! ...Oh God.”

 

Lantash gave in to his impulses and placed his hands on Sam’s shoulders, massaging them gently. “I am sorry; love, for causing you so much pain and hurt these past months. I wanted so badly to reveal myself to you. I truly regret what happened to Martouf and the grief I caused you…as well as leaving you with so many uncertainties and doubts.” Lantash slowly curved his arms around Sam, holding her tightly and reveling in her closeness. He and Martouf had dreamt of this for many nights. Elias was keeping silent throughout this entire conversation, knowing that this was something Lantash needed to do.

 

Lantash lowered his mouth to Sam’s ear and continued tenderly, “What I bitterly regret the most, love, is that Martouf and I had not revealed our feelings for you. For that, I am truly sorry. But I will take the chance to tell you now how both Martouf and I felt. We loved you so very much, Samantha. I still love you. Never doubt that. Martouf and I…we had spent many nights awake thinking of you, many dreams were filled with you. Of your smile, your golden hair, your beautiful blue eyes, your kindness, your laughter, your understanding, and your joy for life. Ever since we met you, you have astounded us and every time we met, our feelings for you have grown. There have been many times where we have thought of you and wondered what you were doing at that precise moment. Whether you were on the Tau’ri home world, tinkering away on your many projects and experiments or if you were out there amongst the stars, fighting the Goa’uld just as we were. We have missed you many times.

 

“We would jump at the opportunity to visit the Tau’ri on the chance that you would be there, waiting at the bottom of the gate to welcome us with that brilliant smile of yours. Unfortunately, we were often the bearer of bad news and we hated seeing you upset. But we would go nonetheless, just to revel in the sight that you were still all right, to reassure ourselves that you were still there. We could sleep peacefully, knowing you were safe.

 

“At times, when we were with the Tok’ra and it became hard for us, a simple picture of your face would comfort us. Although if I had had my way, Martouf and I would head straight to the Chappa’ai and into your arms. Yet another regret that I shall carry.

 

“Our feelings for you have nothing to do with Jolinar. We loved you for who *you* were. Jolinar was our past; you were, are my present. I love you; Martouf, though gone, loved you as well. Be safe in that knowledge, Samantha. Martouf’s last thought before he died was of you and it was filled with both love and utter regret that we were not brave enough to show you our feelings.” Lantash finished. 

 

Sam closed her eyes, almost willing to believe that it was Martouf and Lantash holding her, but when she opened her eyes again and looked down at the hands holding her; they were different, hands that most definitely did not belong to Martouf and tears came rushing back to the fore. She stepped out of Lantash’s grasp and faced Elias, a stranger in her mind, even though she knew the part of him that was Lantash.

 

Reading the expression on her face, Lantash’s arms dropped to his sides. “It is not the same for you is it, Samantha. I am sorry. This is much too awkward for you.”

 

“Yes, Lantash, it is. When I close my eyes, I can imagine that it’s what I want, but when I open them again, and I see Elias...no offense to him of course.” Sam hugged her stomach, feeling miserable.

 

Elias’ eyes flashed and he said, “I take no offense, Samantha. I understand that while you and Lantash have known each other for awhile, you and I have just met. To ask you to do something which would undoubtedly make you uncomfortable is not our intention. Lantash merely wished to give you peace about your questions of both his and Martouf’s feelings for you.” Elias paused for a long moment. “However, in the time, I have spent with you, I agree with Lantash’s view of you. You are indeed a wonderful woman, Samantha, and it is perhaps true that I am being influenced by Lantash’s strong emotions for you, I would still like to be your friend...and forgive me for being presumptuous and forward, but...if in time, if you wish, our friendship could be the start of something more. I do not, however, want to force you into anything.”

 

Sam ducked her head. Part of her wanted to agree because she did love Lantash and maybe she could, with a *lot* of time, begin to feel something for Elias too. But that definitely not going to happen now. Another part of her felt like she was betraying Martouf’s memory because she loved him too. Sam sighed. “I don’t really know what to do right now, Elias. I think I need some time to try just to sort everything out. Please don’t be hurt. I just...” Sam shrugged helplessly, her blue eyes pleading for both Elias and Lantash to understand.

 

Elias felt Lantash’s distress and despair, but he nodded. “I understand Samantha. As I said, I do not want to force you into anything. Take your time. We are prepared to wait.” Elias sent Sam a small smile and then took a deep breath. “Now perhaps you might be gracious enough to show me to your gate room; I fear that the others are waiting for us.”