We Love as One – Chapter 15

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Sam made her way slowly, hands shoved into her pockets, to the control room after getting a call from General Hammond. After all the surprises she’d been getting in the last few days, this was one time that she really wasn’t looking forward to seeing whoever was at the gate.

About to jog up the metal steps to the control room, Sam changed directions as she heard the gate shut down and strolled to the gate room, praying that for once it wasn’t the Tok’ra. Her prayer was shot down as she saw the familiar flash of the Tok’ra uniform, but it clearly wasn’t her father.

“Oh god.”  Sam stopped in her tracks as she realized whom it was standing in the gate room, talking to the general. Her mouth was agape and her eyes wide as they raked over the figure standing not ten feet away from her. She couldn’t breathe, the sound of her heartbeat thudded loudly in her ears, and the blood rushed through her body. Oh. My. God.

“Sam?” Daniel placed a hand on Sam’s shoulder as he and Teal’c entered the gate room, stopping to avoid bumping into their frozen friend. “Sam, what’s wrong?”

“Dr. Jackson.” Teal’c said, nodding in the direction that his teammate was staring. Daniel followed his gaze and his mouth dropped open.

“Whoa. I guess we started a trend with the not staying dead thing.” He said. After the words came out of his mouth, Daniel shot a concerned glance at his friend. First Lantash, now this. Sam had to be having a really rough week. He laid a hand on her arm and pulled her forward slowly.

“Come on, Sam.” Daniel said softly. “I think someone’s here for you.”

Sam made a small noise as Daniel tugged her hand to make her stand right before *him*. Her blue eyes were wide and held a somewhat shocked daze. Sam felt her heart hammer against her chest and her stomach was doing flip-flops. He was here...no, scratch that, he was *alive*.

Martouf became aware of Samantha’s presence the moment she stepped into the room and his breath froze as his blue-grey eyes locked on her. The first emotion that came over him was happiness. After all, what was not to be happy about? The woman he loved was standing there. The second emotion was trepidation and nervousness. Was this really a good idea? Looking at her pale and shocked face, he wasn’t sure. Perhaps he had been correct in his first decision to have his presence remain unknown by the Tau’ri, but even as he thought it, he knew he wouldn’t be able to stay away from Samantha. He just hoped she still had feelings for him and that once the shock was over, she would be acceptable to his presence. The third emotion to rack his body was horrible guilt. Besides her pale face, Martouf could see that Samantha was a great deal thinner than he remembered and there was a hint of dark circles under her eyes. He grimaced to think what his death had done to her; he would’ve reacted in the same fashion if their positions had been reversed. He should have told her that he loved her the moment he realized it for himself. He’d caused her so much pain. And now several months later, the pain was coming back all over again.

Martouf didn’t bow his head in greeting as he watched Dr. Jackson lead Samantha to stand right in front of him, instead he stepped up close and tentatively grasped her hands. His eyes boring into hers, he said softly, “It is good to see you again, Samantha.”

He watched as Samantha swallowed hard. “There is much I wish to discuss you. In private. Samantha?” He prompted when it was clear that she wasn’t going to say anything.

“Martouf...” Samantha’s eyes wandered to look at their joined hands and when she looked back up, her eyes shimmered with the barest hint of tears.

“Why don’t you two go to your lab, Major. Take your time.” General Hammond cleared his throat.

Martouf bowed in his head in gratitude. “Thank you, General Hammond.”

~~~~~

Once in Sam’s lab, Martouf closed the door and after a few moments, he figured out the lock and locked the door. Turning, he saw Sam standing still standing wide-eyed at him. He cleared his throat. “Your father sends his love.” He paused as Sam made it clear she was still having trouble articulating and said, “I have missed you very much, Samantha.”

Now that they were alone, Sam reacted to his soft statement. Her face crumpled and the tears in her eyes finally fell; she clapped a hand over her mouth and she began to tremble as her body became racked with tiny inaudible sobs.

Martouf, seeing her distress, immediately rushed over to her and gathered her up tightly in his arms. His hands moved soothingly over her back, massaging her neck, caressing her hair while he planted tiny butterfly kisses on the top of her head. He murmured words of love and comfort to her, “Shh, Samantha, please love, do not cry. I am aware of the things you have had to go through recently and I am so sorry that I am adding to your distress. Please do not cry; I cannot bear it. There is much to be worked out and many decisions to be made, but I am here now. I am here for you. And I will remain here for you for as long as you need me, Samantha. Oh, Samantha…” Martouf trailed off as he closed his eyes and crushed Sam to him, inhaling her scent and feeling his heart contract. How could he not have told her what she meant to him before all this? How could he have lived for so long without feeling this woman’s warm soft body close to his? Holding her like this, he never wanted to let her go.

Sam squirmed a bit, but wasn’t really all that eager to step out of the only place she’d ever wanted to be. Her blue eyes searched the grey eyes she’d missed so much and her heart soared at hearing his whispered words, but there was still stuff she needed to know. What a week.

Sam reached out with her hand softly to touch Martouf’s face, a shocked expression still on her face. “Lantash said that they lost your body.”

Martouf clasped her hand on his cheek and kissed her palm. “That is what the Tok’ra think, Samantha. Only your father and I know what truly happened. After the Tok’ra High Council had pulled me out of stasis and my body was being transported to another Tok’ra base, Jacob managed to stun the Tok’ra guards accompanying him and render them unconscious. He then sent my body to the Nox world where you and the rest of SG-1 first encountered them. The Nox took my body and revived me. I stayed there for only two days before returning to the Tok’ra base where I was forced to undergo tests to determine that it was really me. I have been there, talking to your father, who is under suspicion for his suspected part in my return, and we agreed that I come here to inform you of what has happened...among other things.”

Sam’s eyebrows jumped. “Suspicion? Is he okay?”

Martouf nodded, still holding Sam’s hand, reveling in the softness. He rubbed his cheek against her hand, closing his eyes, smiling contentedly before kissing her palm again. Sam took in Martouf’s happy and relaxed posture and couldn’t help smiling. He looked so happy and she hated to bring up more questions, but she just had to know.

She stepped up closer and tugging her hand out of Martouf’s grasp, which he released reluctantly, until she placed both of her hands on his chest and looked up at him. “Martouf, what happens now? Are you still Tok’ra?” Her eyes widened. “You know what’s happened to Lantash, right?”

Curving his arms around her waist and pressing his palms into the small of her back. “Yes, lo-Samantha. I have met Lantash and his new host.” A flash of pain crossed his face. “I still do not know what to do about that. It pains me very much to have to see Lantash with another host, but there is little I can do. As to what happens now, that is why I have come. As I am unblended and the Tok’ra are still wary of me, there have been no duties delegated to me, as well, I knew that I must see you to not only inform you of my return, but also to ask you...” Martouf trailed off, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes for a second before staring down at Sam, worry and anxiousness apparent in his eyes.

Sam’s face softened and she snaked her arms around Martouf’s neck to tangle her fingers in his hair. “You wanted to know where we stand, right?” She shook her head. She’d been having a lot of heart-to-heart talks lately. “Lantash and I had this talk when I figured out who he was and I told him I needed time to figure this all out and I’m going to say the same thing to you, Martouf. I love you, but I also love Lantash. I don’t like the idea of making either of you sad and I also don’t want to keep you two waiting for my answer.” Sam looked into Martouf’s eyes and she couldn’t help but smile. “Although looking at you now, I would love nothing more than to drag you to my bed because seeing you is *familiar* to me. Even though I know it’s Lantash inside, when I look at him, I *see* Elias and its uncomfortable. With you, all I *see* is you and that doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable. It’s unfair, I know, and I shouldn’t be basing this only on what I *see*, but it’s just so hard.”

Sam broke free of Martouf’s hold on her and turned her back on him, drawing in a shuddering breath. “I have had to spend *seven* months waiting, hoping, praying that I hear some word about you, but I didn’t. Seven months of just pure agonizing silence. Even dad wouldn’t tell me anything. Do you know how much pain I was going through? To suddenly realize I love you and Lantash and then just as suddenly have you disappear out of my life, most likely facing the chance that you were dead. There were times when I felt like I couldn’t breathe; I was engulfed with your face, your eyes, your smile, your voice...” Sam trembled slightly, hugging herself. “I couldn’t escape you no matter where I went, what I did, who I was with. The nights were the worst. At night, I could almost imagine your arms around me...And now, now you’re back and I know I told both you and Lantash to wait, but I’ve been through so much and I don’t want to go through anymore. I’m willing to get anything right now, and I’m looking at you,” Sam spun around to stare desolately into Martouf’s anguished eyes. “I’m looking at you and all I want to do is forget everything that’s happened and stay in your arms forever. You’re only half of the reason why I fell so in love with you; Lantash is the other. But he’s not here and you are. You are the only thing familiar in my tossed-up world. Is it bad of me to want to have you and push aside my want, my need for Lantash because you’re more familiar, you’re less complicated than Elias and Lantash? Is that so bad?”

Martouf saw Sam’s eyes brimming with tears again and he was at a loss too. It was as Sam said. Being with him *was* more uncomplicated than it was with Lantash. Lantash was still Tok’ra, Martouf was not and so he was free to do whatever he wanted. Lantash, though a unique personality, was, to put it harshly, in the end a symbiote while Martouf had a body of his own; Samantha could see him better; he was more familiar to her. And lastly, Elias was Lantash’s host; Elias was a stranger to Samantha. She didn’t know anything about him. Martouf wanted to tell Samantha to wait, that the best course of action was to think it over, dissect all possibilities, but the larger part of him pushed Martouf to remain silent. He was too much in love with to *want* to wait.

Against his better judgment, Martouf crossed the room to tenderly enfold Sam in his arms. “No love, it is not bad. I understand exactly what you are saying. The same thing can be said about me, I want to be able to wait until you come to a decision, but selfishly the larger part of my being is unwilling to wait. I love you; I need you now. Oh love, what are we to do?”

“I don’t know, but,” Sam said, glancing up at Martouf’s face. “I am happy that you’re here, alive, well, and with me.” Sam took a deep breath. “Ok, enough of this. How about you come home with me tonight? I assume that you’ll be staying awhile and we have a lot to talk about. I’ll ask the general.”  She scrutinized Martouf’s usual uniform. “And we definitely need to get you some clothes.” Smiling, she stepped out of his embrace and tugged on his hand.

“Samantha?” Martouf asked, halting her movements. As she turned to look questioningly at him, he bent to plant a light kiss on her lips. “I love you.”

Sam’s eyes softened. “I love you too.”