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In Their Own Words - Ghosts

Harm    Mac    Bud    Clay    AJ-Version A    AJ-Version B

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Due to a clerical error on my part, there are two versions of AJ for this episode

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Rear Admiral A.J. Chegwidden

By Kimberly Knipp (MCK8686@aol.com)

I'm so sorry, Laura. I would give everything I own to have you back. To give you back your life. To have you back with me. I've seen a lot of dying over the years and I've delivered the bad news to others but damn it, I don't want to be on this end of it. Every time I close my eyes I can see the look on your face. I hear your scream and see the blood. I don't want to be brave, Laura. I want to go back and see your face. I want to hear your bravery when you faced me down and refused to let me close you out. Why did you leave me? I never believed anything could hurt this much. How could event change my life so much? One minute I had you and then you were gone.

I've cried until I can't feel the pain anymore, Laura. I drank myself into a stupor last night but it didn't erase hearing your husband blame your death on me. I would trade places with you in a second. I wish it had been me. That I was dead now instead of you. At least then I wouldn't be trying to find a way to ease myself of the guilt. I have to find a way to keep going now when all I want to do is take a gun to my head. There's a logical part of me - perhaps the SEAL - that knows the world isn't going to stop turning because I want it to. I'm not the only person to ever lose a loved one but why did it have to be you, Laura. Oh, God, why couldn't it have been someone else? I feel hollow, empty, like nothing will ever be right in my life again. I've been trained to hide how I feel but not how to make it go away. How do I forget? There were too many damn questions and no answers, Laura. What am I going to do without you?

My staff is trying to come to my rescue but I don't want their help. How do I face them feeling like such a failure? Commander Rabb wants to help and he's persistent. I wouldn't put it past him to go behind my back looking for answers. I'll find out who did this, Laura. I promise you I will and when I do he'll pay. He'll pay for taking you away from me. That land mine was meant for me. I should be the one in the ground now, not you. But I'll see to it that you're avenged. I'll find the son of a bitch that did this.

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I was starting to believe there really was a ghost from my past running around killing my SEAL team members until Gayle Osbourne showed up. That man hates me. If he thought I'd be sympathetic with him over this, he's mistaken. Trouble follows him everywhere he goes and I know something isn't right. What he doesn't know is that I found the bug he left in my office. He's waiting for me to set the trap for him but I know Holford is dead. No matter what anyone else thinks and maybe Osbourne just wants me to believe it's Holford. But I saw the man die all those years ago from a bullet. There's no way he could be the one behind this. And I think Osbourne is the one that killed Holford in 'Nam.

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Commander Rabb and Major MacKenzie got involved even after I ordered the Commander to stay out of it. I admire their tenacity but I wanted them out of them way. What if something had happened to one of them? But they found what I needed to confirm Gayle's involvement. Commander Rabb thought I was going to kill Osbourne and I told him I wouldn't but I doubted myself. Once I got Osbourne and got him out where it was just me and him - I was tempted. Lord, I was tempted. I wanted to kill him, Laura. I wanted to shoot him on sight and then I wanted to kill him slowly so he would know what it was to suffer to way you suffered. He knew the minute he stepped on the mine - and he was scared. It was all over his face and he begged me not to leave him there like that. Isn't it funny how big and tough a man can be until he's beaten and then he's nothing but a spineless coward.

I'm not safe with saying how I feel in any other way but this one. I can talk to you here, Laura, and tell you how I feel. I don't know any other way. I've not been bred to show emotion because it can get you killed. I regret that my last time with you was on the heels of pushing you away. I know how badly you wanted to be involved - bad enough to go to Commander Rabb for his help. Your determination is something I'll always remember. Osbourne will be dealt with now and there's nothing more I can do. I wish I could tie you and I up so easily. Rest easy, Laura, and God, remember how much I loved you.

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Disclaimer: While based on the JAG episode, this is for entertainment purposes only and no profit is being made.