In Their Own Words - Jinx
Annie Pendry
By Dottie (dottieb@erols.com)
First day. 11 p.m.
Too much is happening! First, Josh broke his arm - thank God it's healing fine, but I was so frightened! Josh is all I have now! Then the bank said there are jobs opening up in their East Coast offices, and I should think about it. And then Harm came today! It's wonderful to see him, as always, but, oh, I am always so reminded of Luke when he's here. I told Harm there are some days when I stop and find myself actually surviving without Luke, but then another plane goes down, and I relive it all over again. But that's only part of the truth. When Harm comes, it's like Luke is here, too. I don't know if that's good or bad, but it's confusing.
Josh is not confused. He likes Harm a lot, mostly because he's a pilot. No, that's not fair - Harm is really wonderful with Josh. He really understands him. I guess because he lost his own father at Josh's age. It's terrible for a boy to grow up without a father. At least Harm had a stepfather, Josh just has me.
Harm is sleeping on the couch. It IS good to have a man in the house again! Of course, Navy wives are pretty independent, with our men away most of the time, but I never felt as independent as some of my friends. I just wanted to be Luke's wife and Josh's mother, and whether Luke was home or not, he was always here. And I always left the big things to him. But when Harm visits, I don't feel so alone. Oh, Luke, Luke - just when I think I'm getting on with my life. . . I don't wear my wedding ring any more – I thought it would help me, but I don't know. Will I ever be truly independent and strong in my own right?
~*~*~*~*~*
1 a.m.
I think Harm cares for me. Maybe I'm imagining it, but I don't think so. He -- well, as I was writing this, I heard a sound in the living room and went to check. Harm was awake - said he couldn't sleep. He looked so - vulnerable - I couldn't help approaching him. And, yes, I've noticed today how attractive he is - not as attractive as Luke, of course - but I guess I've just always seen him as a friend and never noticed before. I wanted to offer affection, but. . . I tried to be casual, so he wouldn't know my heart was beating so. I should be beyond this - I'm a mother! He wouldn't tell me his dream. I wonder why?
We talked a little, and he asked if I was dating. I said I'd had a coffee date, but that it felt weird. He said he doesn't have anyone either, which sort of surprised he. Then he said he is working on it. . . That made me feel so funny - both jealous and hopeful at the same time! . . . . And then he stroked my hair. It felt so wonderful! I wonder if I could fall in love with Harm? He's a dear friend. . . .
It's strange to think of him as something more than a friend. I guess I really wonder if I could - or should - fall in love with anybody. It seems sort of like betraying Luke. I could say he'd want me to be happy, but maybe that's just rationalization. And Harm was his best friend. They knew each other before either of them met me! I remember that! They both seemed sort of interested in me, but for me there was only Luke! No, I'm sure Harm wasn't interested then. He would have said something.
Anyway, I don't think I can handle any complications just now. More important, is it possible to see Harm in his own right, or just as a copy of Luke? And I never want to love another flyer! I couldn't take that! Nor could I ask him to give it up!
But Josh likes him. . . .
I'm glad Harm didn't push.
~*~*~*~*~*
Second Day. 11 p.m
It was so natural for Harm to be up making breakfast! Almost like having Luke back again. And then when I kissed him as I was leaving! It was so automatic, I always kissed Luke goodbye. Harm knew it was automatic, but then. . . . Stop it, Annie! This isn't good for you!
~*~*~*~*~*
Third Day. 11 p.m.
Are we falling in love? Oh, I'm so confused! This is going too fast! I don't know if I'm happy or upset!
He kissed me today. . . and if we hadn't been interrupted, I don't know where it might have led! It's wonderful, but I feel guilty, even if he did say Luke would want me to move on with my life. I wasn't exactly sure what he meant, so I asked if that meant even with him! Oh, it was so hard to get the courage to do that! I think it's the hardest thing in the world for me to reveal my thoughts and feelings to someone else, but it's the only thing that works. The alternative is torture.
And I don't think Harm would have kissed me if I hadn't said that. He's awfully reserved about his feelings, too. Not like Luke! I believe Luke would understand my moving on, especially with Harm. But maybe Harm just feels he should take care of me - he always stops by when he's out here. Harm is good at taking care of people. Is that love? He likes Josh and he likes puttering around the house. I sort of feel he likes "playing house," but I don't think that's love. Oh, but I couldn't ask for a better man! Except Luke, of course.
~*~*~*~*~*
Fourth Day 11 p.m.
The bank offered me a transfer to Baltimore! Such a big decision!
And the other decision is what to do with this relationship with Harm! Oh, it's all so overwhelming!
I asked another difficult question: if he comes because he thinks we need him. He said he did at first, but not any more. (Harm is funny. . . he responds, but he doesn't really take the lead. He could get into big trouble with the wrong woman someday!)
I got the impression Harm would like to stay. He really likes Josh, and he seems to like puttering around and fixing up the house. And I think he thinks he's in love with me, but I'm not so sure. I probably really confused him when I said he must go because I want him to stay! But . . . it's the truth! I didn't realize it until I said it. But I've got to make my own way first. After that. . . who knows? But it won't be because I need someone to fix up the house - or fill an empty spot in my bed.
But it would be so much easier just to give in!
Oh, Luke! Help me be strong!
~*~*~*~*~*
Fifth Day. 11 p.m.
Well, I feel I've done the right thing. Two big decisions in one day! First, I am moving to Baltimore! All on my own, in a new city! And really on my own - no Navy support system! Of course, Harm said he'll be only an hour away, but I told him I want to make sure I can do it on my own, then when I get on my feet, I'll call him. He said that's worth waiting for! I'm glad he said that - I'm not ready for a final goodbye any more than I'm ready for a romantic relationship.
Josh doesn't want to leave here where his daddy was and all the planes, but to me that's a big relief. The sooner he forgets about flying the better! I guess maybe that's another reason I don't want to see Harm for awhile. It's better if Josh finds new interests -- I don't want his whole childhood to be about his aviator father who died. Of course, I don't want him to forget Luke, either. . . there's got to be a healthy medium.
Well, I didn't entirely close the door on Harm. We're still good friends. And maybe friendship - and attraction - are what love is. But it is a relief not to deal with it just now. One step at a time.
Better check to see that Josh is asleep.
~*~*~*~*~*
Disclaimer: While based on the JAG episode, this is for entertainment purposes only and no profit is being made.