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|Okay, I’m Nuts
Summary: Harm and Mac decide to take a chance that will not only change their lives, but the lives of everyone on the planet. (Grandiose isn’t it? Read on if you dare!)
H/M Some angst, romance, humor, mystery, life, death, eternity
Rating: Everyone can read this, if they want to I think.
All Feedback is welcome. Just don’t throw things. That will effect you’re computer more than it will affect me.
Spoilers: I’m sure but I don’t remember the name of the episode but it was in second season and all the rest for that matter.
Disclaimer: Pay me, who’d pay me for this? Besides, I think I’d be embarrassed to accept a cent. I think I’m even embarrassed not to pay you for reading it. None of the characters in this are mine.
A/N: For this, let’s assume that Mattie has limited mobility and has been left with Jen back in London.
A/N2: I’ve been to some places in rural PA where the population doesn’t top 500 during the height of tourist season with the state fair up the road. The heart of down town is a small grocery store next to a hardware store, a gas station and a restaurant/bar and even the local lawman does it only in his off hours from working as a mechanic. If you can’t get what you need there then you’ve got to go into “the city,” 50 miles away over bumpy roads. So let us assume Belleville is just such a place.
Okay, I’m Nuts
He should have known.
Captain Harmon Rabb, Jr. glared angrily at the shorter man standing in the doorway of his Belleville, PA farmhouse.
Unfortunately, the full affect of a truly steamed, highly decorated, senior officer of the United States Navy was some what dampened by the presence of the squalling infant he was holding against his shoulder.
On the other hand, his frustration from his unsuccessful attempts at pacification of said child for the last 20 minutes, sort of made up for it from the glare he was able to direct.
“What the hell do you want? Don’t bother answering. NO!”
It was more the look on Harm’s face than the not unexpected greeting that actually caused Clayton Webb, CIA assistant, under to whatever, to rethink his approach.
“Is that any way to talk in front of the baby?” Webb, pushed, but was unsuccessful in his attempt to enter the house around Harm.
“You know Clay, you’re lucky I am holding my son right now because if I wasn’t I’d reach over and grab the shotgun off the wall and only be too happy to kill you for trespassing.
“You mean shoot me for trespassing, don’t you?”
“No, no, I’m pretty sure I mean kill,” was all the taller man said as he tried to quiet down the child in his arms who had become even more upset at the shorter person’s presence.
“What’s wrong with him?” Clay said pointing with his chin at the baby.
“Nothing, he’s just an excellent judge of character.”
Clay, sighed, stepped back, giving Harm and the child a bit of room.
“Is Sarah, around?”
The look on Harm’s face turned even stonier than it had been before.
But no one ever said that Clay could take a hint. “I asked if Sarah is around?” he asked with all the subtlety of a man looking for a cockfight.
“Webb. I’m going to tell this to you once. Then, if you persist in tormenting me and mine with your presence I’m going to report you to your superiors and the civilian authorities for harassment, take out an injunction against you and follow up with every, and all types of legal action that I can think of. And believe me, I’m motivated to think up a whole lot. So, shut your mouth and open your ears. Ready? Leave me and my family alone and that means my entire family but most especially my, let me repeat that particular, possessive testosterone filled pronoun for you so you truly understand it, MY wife.”
Harm took a step back to slam the door shut. Unfortunately for both him and Clay’s foot, said appendage had gotten in between that and the doorframe first. The yowl of pain rivaled and surpassed that of the child’s cries.
Harm did his best to push Clay, who was now precariously balancing on one foot, out but he was hampered by his need to quiet the baby.
“It’s either you talk to me, or talk to the MIBS, Rabb,” Webb said between gritted teeth. “Believe me, given the choice, you’ll want it to be me.”
At the utterance of the acronym for Men In Black Suits, Harm felt the blood leave his face.
He could have claimed ignorance but he had seen the movie, even the sequel and given the events of the past few days, the mention of the term, even though he believed less in them than the first lapse in reality he’d been forced to accept, terrified him. In just the couple of days since he and Mac found the baby, he’d grown more attached to it than he ever thought he could be to another human being; except for his attachment to Mac. His fear at this threat to his new found family overwhelmed him.
“Now can I come in?” Clay said as he limped in and leaned against the wall.
“Why would I care about whatever a MIBS is?” Harm said in a shaky voice.
Clay rubbed his foot; obviously satisfied at the affect he was having on Harm as he smirked up at the suddenly nervous man.
“Aside from the fact that, fighter jock that you are, you’ve just completely lost your cool, you mean? Well let’s just see.” He held up one finger. “One, if you’ll excuse the expression, an unidentified flying object is tracked here by just about every nation that has the capability. Two,” another finger went up, “that object disappears from radar just over land that is owned by none other than you. Gee, what a surprise that was to every nation with an intelligence agency on the planet. NOT.”
Harm unconsciously took a step back, holding the baby closer to him.
“Three,” Clay held up another finger, “an object that looks like a space capsule was found last night buried, surprise, surprise, on your land.”
“You went digging around my property? I am going to sue.”
“Four,” Clay ignored the interruption and worked his way further into the house. “Said object, when opened, obviously had been configured and designed to hold a small life form which could have been an infant and five,” Webb pointed to the baby Harm was holding even closer.
“What did you and Sarah think you were going to do, forge paperwork to make it look like your sudden parental state was a result of a private adoption from parents who had disappeared from the planet?”
Harm was speechless. Luckily it was at that moment that Mac came in from the kitchen holding a bottle of formula she had been warming.
“Harm, I’m surprised at you, sweetheart. Is this anyway to treat a guest?”
“He’s no guest of mine,” Harm mumbled.
“Sarah, how are you?”
“I’m glad you asked.”
Smiling as sweetly as she did the first, last and only time she told Clay she loved him, she handed the bottle of formula to Harm, hauled back and decked the interloper hard enough to land him on his butt.
“Does that answer your question?” she said looking down at the spy, barely sparing a glance at the huge grin, which suddenly grew on Harm’s face.
“I was only upset because Harm had obviously not greeted you in the manner you so richly deserve. But then, since he was holding our son, he did have a good reason for restraint.”
Then, with a visible transformation, the Lieutenant Colonel, kick ass, mean lean fighting Marine became the epitome of concerned motherhood. Reaching her arms out for the baby, her smile became beatific, “Come here sweetheart,” she said as she cradled the child in her arms. And just as suddenly, that same child quieted down as Mac retrieved the bottle and placed it where the baby could suckle from it comfortably.
“Okay, fine you two,” Webb said from the floor, with more than his usual nasal tones as he nursed his very sore and probably broken nose.
“I came here to try and help you both but if all either of you two can do is threaten and beat up on me then my consciences is clear. I’m leaving you to your fate..”
Mac looked over at Harm. “Help us, help us with what. We three are just fine the way we are.”
Harm placed his arm around Mac and felt his panic melt away as suddenly her presence brought him the calm he had momentarily lost. He now became the ace JAG lawyer again.
“According to Clay, some people were trespassing and vandalizing the farm. They may have found something they think is unusual and Clay is making noises that it has to do with a child.”
During his explanation, Clay managed to pick himself up from the floor. “Not just a child, that child. And that something strange had a crooked red S on a gold shield on it and looked like a space capsule. We think that child, that you are holding came from there.”
Harm managed to look incredulous. “Webb, you’re telling me that you’re wasting government funds on investigating some toy, replica of a movie prop that some over active fantasy aficionado left here? Why don’t you go investigate some TV show convention some place?”
Clay was obviously losing patience. “You want to play games, Rabb? Go ahead Rabb, and Rabb,” he said glaring at Mac. “That creature you’re feeding is not from this Earth and the both of you know it and for the sake of national security, I’m taking that child to the appropriate authorities.”
“Over my dead body, Clay,” said Mac as she clutched the child closer to her.
If Harm had looked the least bit unwelcoming before upon seeing the man, now he positively looked deadly.
“You lay one finger on this child, Webb, and by the time I’m finished with you, death will look like a raise in pay grade.
“I’ll start out with trespassing, move to attempted kidnapping, vandalism, and I bet I wouldn’t have to look too hard to find forgery and the fraudulent use of government funds. You think you’re going to make anybody believe that a comic book character is alive and well and living as our child? Go ahead and try it spook and just watch the shit that will hit the fan.”
“No, try me. And that’s just for starters. Once I finish with you I’ll start on the Agency for hiring a mental incompetent, exposing the multitude of foul-ups including the use of taxpayer money to investigate comic book characters. Then we’ll see how effective those so called MIBS are when they’re out on the street without a paycheck coming in. Now get out of our house, get off our land and stay out of our lives.”
“You think you can get away with your posturing and threats? I know just as well as you do where that child came from and I can prove it. That baby is not yours.”
“You’re right, he’s ours.”
Three people turned and could do nothing but stare at the two people who seemed to flicker while appearing to stand in the room.
“By The Powers That Be, No!”
They all dropped to their knees and bowed in fear and supplication, which for Mac was especially difficult while clutching the baby closer to her.
The tall, graying, bearded, powerfully built man smiled benignly as he placed his arm around the shorter, heavier dark haired sweetly smiling woman.
“You may arise,” the two ethereal beings said in unison.
“But, but, but,” Clay stuttered, as sweat popped out on his forehead.
“You can’t be real, you just can’t be,” said Harm as he helped Mac up from her knees.
“I won’t let you take our baby,” she said fearfully, knowing that they could do anything they wanted, and Harm, she and even Clay were powerless against them.
“You obviously don’t want him. You just left him out in the middle of nowhere,” said Mac.
“Right on all counts,” smiled the two people who were the personification of every myth and legend the three had ever had nightmares about.
“But don’t worry, we won’t take the child. We want you to raise him as your own. We want to see what happens.”
“You do?” said Harm.
The man looked slightly embarrassed. “You see, Vuckovic wasn’t working out as the new, younger version of you, Harmon, even when we gave him the same hair cut, made him walk like you and tried to imply that Mac was conflicted about her feelings for him. It just didn’t work and everyone knew it,” said the man. “We needed a new angle to work the younger demographic.”
“But how about you?” said Mac directing her question at the female.
“What can I say? We cancelled too soon, were left with a mysteriously appearing child and a following which has been keeping this incarnation alive for nearly ten years through their websites. They even got themselves on the DVDs. Do you realize what a cruel mistake we made, not to mention the money we lost. No, we had to find a way to continue.”
“So,” the two mystic beings said in booming unison. “We’ve decided to grant all your wishes. Harm and Mac, you may continue to live and bring up this child traveling to and from London, Belleville, Washington, DC and San Diego, wherever it’s cheaper at the time to shoot. From now on our bywords will be “Sexually resolved relationships do not end the dramatic tension.”
“What about me, what about me,” squeaked Clayton Webb who was quickly shrinking and metamorphosising into a spider.
“After being killed off of three shows, in one season, what do you think?” They said and with that he crawled away under the rug.
“Go forth, Harmon and Sarah and multiply. Raise the child as your own and bring joy to all your fans as you attempt to explain its existence, Webb’s disappearance and keep full time jobs in the military while still getting the kid and the others you will have to and from child care on time. Now that’s drama. But always remember, we have only temporarily banished the Webb. He could come back as your worst enemy and he will if ratings drop.”
And with that they flickered out as if a television set were turned off.
“Uh, were they real? I mean, were they really, really here?”
“Mac, call me nuts but I don’t think I want to know.”
(A/N: Ah, well, I’m just a little hysterical right now so the above made some weird, off the wall sense to me. And yes I’ve heard of Kafka. Hasn’t everyone? By the way, if anyone asks me about where I’m getting this stuff, what can I say, I’m not a desperate housewife?)
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