Speaking Sessions: Who'd a Thunk it?

By: Coneflower

Davey paced nervously in the waiting room. He'd waited all week to get an appointment, but the shrink had been booked solid. Did that many people have has tough problems as he did? He was about to jump out the window when the door open and a patient walked out. Davey breathed a sigh of relief.
"Next!" the shrink called.
Davey pushed an old lady using a walker out the way, and jumped on the shrink's couch. "Doctor, I'm David."
"Hello David. I'm Dr. Latrine. What is your problem?" the shrink asked, sitting down with his notepad.
"Well…" Davey broke down in tears. "I'm a newsie and…" He sniffled pitifully. "…I thought I was cool and that the other newsies thought I was cool, but…they think I'm a dork!" He threw his arms around Dr. Latrine's neck and blow his nose on the doc's coat.
"It's okay. Please get off of me." Davey retreated back to the couch. "Now tell me how this happen."
"I don't really know. I mean, I was one of the strike leaders and my best friends were Jack Kelly and Spot Conlon. But then after the strike was over, they started to be mean to me. They hate me. They all hate me. They started teasing me, and slapping me, and making me hang out with my little annoying brother…" Sparks were coming from Davey's eyes.
"Uh… could you please get my armchair out of your mouth. I kinda need it."
"Oh sorry." Davey stopped gnawing on the armchair with his teeth and sat back on the couch.
"Now, why do you think the newsies hate you? They can't possibly hate you."
"YES THEY CAN! THEY FORMED THE 'DAVEY BASHERS OF AMERICA CLUB'!!!!! Jack and Spot are the presidents!!!" Davey lashed out.
Dr. Latrine jumped back with a yelp. "They even have a website called 'www.letsbashdave.com'." He fell into sobs again.
Dr. Latrine sat back in his arm examining the whole situation. "Do you have anything that supposes you through this hard time?"
An evil grin came upon Davey's face. "Yes, I do." He pulled out a knife. "I call her Louise. Isn't she a beauty?!" He polished 'Louise' happily.
Dr. Latrine looked at his watch. "Gee, look at the time! I think our session is up! Goodbye!" He started pushing Davey out the room. Dr. Latrine was scared. Very scared! Heck, I don't blame him.
"But, I'm not done! I wanna talk about my problem with a certain Ace War Correspondent! He claims I'm the only chica for him!" The door slammed in his face. Davey pouted. That was the last shrink in town! Now where to go? He turned to Louise for help.

The next hour after Dr. Latrine's lunch break, he called his next patient. A boy with an eye patch walked in looking a little frustrated.
"Hello, I am Dr. Latrine" the doc said, sitting back in his seat.
"Ise Kid Blink, but you can call me Johnny Bravo" the guy said.
"Johnny Bravo?"
Blink gritted his teeth. "Yeah, dat's me stage name! Got a problem wit dat?"
"Oh no, that's okay! Stage name? Are you a performer?"
"Yeah, it's my dream to be a pop singer and have girls rip my clothes off."
"Very interesting. Now, what can I do for you, uh…Johnny?"
"Well, doc, Ise been havin' a problem with a fellow newsie of mine. I'm a newsie, by the way."
Dr. Latrine mental note: Another newsie? Can that job be that stressful, they need help? Oh well, I get paid so doesn't matter. "What has this fellow newsie done?"
"First off though, I write my own songs to sing. During the strike, I wrote songs for all us newsies to sing about the hardships of our lives. One song I wrote was really good. Everyone liked it and we even sang it twice! But, this one new guy named David Jacobs, he stole my song and sang it! Can you believe that?!?! He ripped my song off! He hadn't even been a newsie for a week and stole my song. I was suppose to sing it." Blink folded his arms and pouted. "All the guys were like 'Great song, Davey' or 'That's cool, dude!'. Me…I got no recognition."
Dr. Latrine cringed at the name of Davey. He bet it was the same guy that came in before. Bad memory! "Maybe you should tell your friends of what this David did."
"Oooooooooo!!!!" Blink started to jump up and down. "I already did that and blackmailed David at the same time! Watch this!" Blink pulled out a video camera to play something for the doc.
There on the video camera screen was Davey dressed in a silver sequin dress, singing his heart out in front of a mirror. "Hallelujah, it's raining men!" Dr. Latrine's stomach could only hold for a moment then he ran to the window. He came back to find Blink snickering quietly to himself. "Is that all you wanted?" …after literally ruining my appetite, day, year, life - the doc mused.
"Naw, I feel so much better now that I got that out! Thanks doc!" Blink ran up to him and squeezed him to death. "If I have any friends with problems, I'll send them to you" PLEASE DON'T! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! DON'T!
Dr. Latrine closed his door and locked it. "This has not been my day."

The next day…
Dr. Latrine had had enough of newsboys for one day, but he was about to get even more. His first patient that morning was - what else? - a newsie! The doc groaned. Why me? WHY?!
"I'm Dr. Latrine, how my I help you?"
"Doctor, I need your help badly! By the way, Ise Pie Eater. I'm a newsie. My friend Blink told me about you."
Thank you, Johnny Bravo! Yeah, couldn't of guessed that. "What do you need?"
"I have a big problem." No duh! You wouldn't be here if you didn't. "You'll think I'm crazy though."
"No I won't." Yes I will.
"Okay, I tape turtles to my head."
Dr. Latrine was waiting for something, but not anything like this. Can it get worst? "Why do you do that?"
"Because……plants are out to eat my brain!"
Why didn't I guess that?
"Y'see, turtles eat plants so I tape them to my head. They eat the plants and the plants don't eat my brain."
Such a clever boy. Too bad he's gifted in the head. "That is a good theory, but why do you think the plants want to eat your brain?"
"When I was three, I was half swallowed by a Venus fly trap." Pie Eater shivered at the memory. He peered around the office for a second only to spot a fern on the doc's desk. "The plants are out to get me!!!" Pie leaped out the window.
Dr. Latrine ran over to see if he was okay, but he remembered it was only a one story building and didn't really care anyway. "Thank goodness that's over. I wonder who will show up at my door next?"
"DOCTOR!!!!!" a scream came from the door. The doc turned to see a little boy - who obviously looked like a newsie - with a wooden sword in his hand. "Do you know Jack?! Where's Jack?! JACK!!!!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Dr. Latrine shrieked. "Please NO! Calgone, take me away!!!" He slammed the door on the boy - who we will call Les Jacobs for the protection of all the people out there who don't know who he is. "I have to get out of here." The only escape root was the window, but Pie was still there trying to get a little turtle to stick to his head. No escape! The doc started to weep.
"JACK! JACK! JACK!" he heard chanting from behind the door. Just then, Kloppman came down from the ceiling hanging by a wire and was dressed in all black. The Mission Impossible theme started to play.
"Do you need help?" Dr. Latrine nodded. "Then come on!" Kloppman grabbed the doc and pulled him to safety.

Safe on the Brooklyn Bridge, Kloppman dropped Dr. Latrine. "I thought I was going to die back there. What is you name so I can thank you, sir?"
Kloppman tipped his bowler. "Kloppman, James Kloppman. And you don't have to thank me, it's my job."
"Okay. Now what do I do?" Dr. Latrine asked, feeling the urge to jump off the Bridge.
"I suggest - take a cruise. A Carnival Cruise!" Just then, Kathy Lee Gifford appeared and started to sing. "If they could see me now, on a fun ship…AHHHHHHHH!!!" Dr. Latrine looked down into the water where Kathy Lee had just fallen into. Kloppman was innocently looking around, whistling.
"Um…uh…I'm going now. Bye!" The doc turned, then ran for the docks.

On the Cruise…

"Ah…" Dr. Latrine sighed happily as he sipped his margarita and tanned in the sun on the deck of a Carnival Cruise. Life is good - he thought. No creepy newsboys. No crazed secret agents. Yep, nothing can go wrong now. He finished his thought and turned over on his stomach in the lounge chair. HA! Like I'm NOT gonna let anything else happen! Opps, I'll get back to the fic.
"Come along, boys. Step lively. Show how much you love being with me" a Swedish accent flew through the air. Dr. Latrine glanced up to see a lady with red hair dressed in a hot pink, spandex swimsuit with a feather in her hand. Around her were a group of boys…….newboys!!!!!
In slow motion, the doc jumped up in the air screaming, "NoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO!!!!"
"Well, look who it is!" Medda exclaimed. She ran over and hugged Dr. Latrine. "Maxy! I haven't seen you at the Hall in over a month!"
The doc sheepishly grinned. "Hi Medda. I have been on vacation."
"DOC!" once again, the doc received another hug. It was Blink 'er uh…Johnny Bravo.
"Mr. Bravo, how have you been?" Like I really care. The doc looked around very obviously to find a place to hide. Or maybe jumping off the cruise would be more effective. Naw, then people would try to rescue me. Wouldn't work.
"I've been great! Davey is now gone out of our circle of newsies." Blink evilly grinned and rubbed his hands together.
Jack and Spot - who were apart of Medda's 'group' - lowered their heads sadly. "But now we can't have our Davey Bashers meetings!" Jack said.
"Yeah and it's all his fault! Let me get my hands dirty, ya scabber!" Spot shouted.
Jack held him back. "We went over this before, Spot. This is a good and bad thing. Blink is on our side."
Spot pouted and folded his arms. "I just wanted to have fun." Jack handed him a tissue and Spot sniffled in it.
"Listen, Maxy, I have to go and get the boys ready for tonight" Medda said.
"For what? What are you doing?"
"Why, for my show! Don't you know, this is my boys whores."
Dr. Latrine only nodded. That was a piece of info I did not *need* to know.
"Come on, boys!" Medda started hitting them with her feather like it was a whip. Jack hide before she noticed he was out of the group.
The doc was fixing to lay back down when Jack came up behind him. "Doc?"
"AHH!" The doc turned, holding his heart. "What do you want?"
"I need to talk to ya, please?" And this cruise was suppose to be fun? Last time I'll listen to a crazed secret agent and a cackling hen! He shivered at the image of Kathy Lee singing.
"Yeah, sure, whatever. Just hurry it up."
"Okay" Jack sat down on the next lounge chair. "Doc, I have a dream to sing on stage but I'm a little self conscious in front of the boys."
"I hear you sang in front of them during the strike."
"Yeah, but I want to sing songs that I wrote. I'm afraid they'll laugh though."
This can't be right! He doesn't have some insane problem?! "Is that it?!?!" Jack nodded. "No getting comfort from a knife?! Or taping turtles to your head?! Or thinking that there's penguins coming out your butt?!"
Jack looked at him oddly. "Are you feeling okay?"
Dr. Latrine jumped up on the deck and started to do his happy dance. "I'm just fine! You have a problem that is so not crazy, I think I'm going crazy! I thought all you newsboys had lost a little too many screws their heads! I guess not!" He calmed down after Jack started to act like he was about to bolt. "Listen boy, you go and fulfill your dream of singing your songs on stage."
"Okay, thanks, doc." Jack walked off and the doc sighed happily again.

That night…

In the show room of the cruise, Dr. Latrine sat in the front row. He was proud that there was at least one not so crazy newsboy out there. Just then, Medda came on the stage wearing a pink leather catwoman suit and chains hanging off the arms with a feather tail.
"Hello folks, vots new? I have a very special surprise for you tonight. It is a boy that I'm very proud of. Here he is, Jack Kelly!" She shimmed off stage and the curtain raised.
There……in a red frilly lace dress was Jack. Dr. Latrine's eyes bulged as big as saucers. Jack started to sing. "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay…" The doc went running and screaming out of the show room like a bat out of heck and jumped over the railing of the cruise.

Seniles 'R' Us …

Dr. Latrine twitched in his bed. He had been in out for a while, but was finally waking up. He sat up and looked around. It was just a while wall in front of him.
"You're awake!" The doc heard someone across the room from him. "Oh goody, I have a roommate now!"
"Where am I and who are you?"
"You're in Seniles 'R' Us and my name is Bryan Denton." Denton stuck out his hand and the doc shook it. "What's your name?"
"I'm Dr. Maxwell Latrine. I don't know why I'm here. Why are you here?"
Denton giggled. "I'm here because they claimed I'm stalking newsboys. I find that so not true! Hey, look at my pictures I've drawn!" Denton pointed to his side of the room. "This place has a very good art program. That one is a pic of my chick!" Dr. Latrine recognized that person pictured in the drawing. It was Davey!
"AHHHHHHHHH!!!" The doc ran to the door and started clawing to get out the room. "LET ME OUT! I don't belong here!!!"
"Don't worry, you'll love it here!" Denton winked at him.
Y'know if I just hold my breath, I'll faint and wake up to realize that this was all just a dream…

The End! or…is it?

Dr. Latrine held his breath and passed out, but woke up to Denton giving him CPR. Right after that, the doc actually broke down the wall to his room and escaped, disappearing into the sewers of New York City. It was later that he became Splinter the rat and raised 4 Mutant Ninja Turtles. Denton also escaped from the Seniles 'R' Us and proceeded to use bad pick up lines on newsboys. Davey went into the Witness Protection Program and became a nice little house wife living with his soul mate, Louise the knife. Jack was hired by Gilbert and Sullivan to act in their gay shows just to find out that they're his 'parents'. Medda married the dummy at Irving Hall and mutated cows so they'd come out as the color - purple. Spot continued to run the Davey Bashers club, but that slowly died out when the members couldn't see Davey cry. Blink went onto be a famous rock star with girl's tearing his clothes off. Pie Eater was actually eaten fully by a Venus fly trap ((turns out he wasn't crazy after all)), because his turtle taped to his head walked off in the middle of the night. Kloppman retired from his job as secret agent when Frank Gifford gave him a million dollars for pushing Kathy Lee off the Brooklyn Bridge. And that my friends is the rest of the story.

The End! muhahaha………