By: Lindsey
Chapter 1
I never thought that this would be how I would die, quickly, though not quickly enough, painfully, and in the arms of the man who taught me how to love. It's true what they say, about your whole life flashing before your eyes just before it all ends, mine did. I saw the pain of the past, the happiness of the past year, and the fear that stayed with me throughout it all. I did not regret though, as all of my life decisions flashed before me, I felt no remorse for any of them, including my final act.
I am young, only 17, but I have experienced more than my years could convey. I was born to a loving mother and father and grew happy and healthy with them, until I turned 6 years old. It was then, just 11 years ago, that my father was killed by a man from my mother's past, a man whose mission it was to make everyone's life a living hell. Mason and my mother grew up together in an orphanage just outside of Philadelphia. Soon they ran away together eventually ending up in Texas, which is where I was born. This is where my mother and father met. He was a wealthy rancher who moved to El Paso from Mexico City some years prior. My mother fell in love with him at once, but Mason refused to let her go. As far as he was concerned she belonged to him and no one else could have her. My father paid him off, giving him nearly everything he had in exchange for my mother. Their love was a true, deep, and passionate love.
Mason squandered the money and returned 6 years later to take what he felt was rightfully his. So he murdered my father, stole the rest of his money, and made my mother marry him. He told her that if she didn't he would kill me and frame her for both of the murders. I don't know for sure whether or not he could truly get away with that, though I suspect he could, but to her his evil knew no bounds, she felt there was no escape. We traveled to avoid being caught by the police who at this time suspected that the killer was my mother. In fact we traveled all over the world, cheating and stealing to pay our way. By the time my half-brother, Julian, was born I was 11 and quite well versed in criminal ways. But Mason's teachings were not his only legacy that was passed on to me, one of terror far superceded the other.
We had been in New York for several months when it finally happened. For years my mother had talked about getting away, either by running and hoping that he wouldn't find us, or by killing Mason to ensure that he would never track us down. It's not that she didn't have the guts to do it, I know she did, but Mason had this way of instilling fear, it was as though she knew all along that she could never get away with it, and so she would continue to live with him. Mason had always been cruel to my mother, he beat her endlessly and often raped her, but, to her knowledge, he was different around Julian and me. On occasion he would smack us if we smarted off or generally just did something he deemed unacceptable, but he never beat us like he did her.
He did, however, rape me. My mother never knew until that day. It had been going on for months, him coming into my room in the middle of the night, lying on top of me, whispering in my ear, "If you scream I'll kill you all."
It had gotten to the point where I no longer slept at night, and when I did I awoke from horrifying dreams drenched in sweat. Naturally my mother noticed and after what seemed like hours of coaxing, she finally got me to tell her what had been happening.
As soon as I said the words she jumped up and loaded Mason's small handgun. "Get out," she said to me, "get Julian and get out. Go to Tibby's and wait for me there." I didn't want to leave, but I knew I couldn't argue. I had to Julian out of there, he couldn't see what was about to happen, my mother was preparing to kill Mason and I knew just from the look in her eyes that she was not going to back down.
It was late afternoon and the most of the newsboys, all of whom I had become friends with over the past few months, had finished selling for the day and were now eating at Tibby's. They knew something was wrong as soon as we walked in. Skittery was the first to jump up from the table. "Hey Maddy, what is it? What's goin' on?"
"Take him Skit, just take Julian and watch him. Don't let him out of your sight. You understand? Don't let anyone get him but me no matter what, ok?" I must have looked crazy, which I truthfully was, and I was probably screaming too, because everyone in the room was staring at me. I didn't care though, I only had one thing on my mind, I had to get to home and somehow help my mother.
"Sure Maddy we'll watch 'em, but what's goin' on? Are youse in some kinda trouble or somethin'?" Racetrack asked as he took Julian's hand.
"Yeah. somethin'," I said and starting running back to the apartment.
When I got there I could hear them yelling inside, Mason had just gotten home. I peered through the window and saw him slap her across the face, hard, hard enough for her to fall to her knees. I was used to seeing my mother getting hit, but I refused to let him get away with it, not this time. I ran in and grabbed his hand as he knelt over to punch her again and he turned on me with fury. I could my mother scream as he threw me against our curio cabinet, or perhaps I should say through it. The sound of the glass shattering was drowned out by her screams and his swears as he kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I saw out of the corner of my eye my mother pull out the gun, but I could not keep my eyes open as blood trickled into them from the cuts on my head. Truthfully, I know that they both were screaming, but I could not make out anything that was said. I tried to focus, open my eyes and my ears, but the pain was too much and I was weak and dizzy. That's when I heard the shot. Immediately my mind cleared and I opened my eyes to see my mother lying on the floor choking on her own blood. I suppose they must have struggled over the gun and Mason won.
I let out a horrible scream and without even thinking scrambled across the floor to get to her. He could have killed me there, and probably would have, except the police had arrived and were knocking at the door. It was not uncommon for neighbors to alert the police when Mason would have one of his outbursts. He ran out the back and left with my mother who was dying in my arms.
"Go Madelynn, go. They might blame you, go," she quietly choked out.
I could not keep myself from crying. "No mama, no, I won't leave you!"
"Go, now, and take care of Julian. Promise me you'll take care of him. Promise."
I knew what was happening, my mother was dying and there was nothing I could do about it. She was right too, the police may think I did, and even if they didn't they would surely put me in the refuge at least for the night until they figured out what had happened, and by then Mason would already be gone, probably with Julian. So I did all that I could do. "I promise." Then I left.
I knew that it was not a good idea to walk into Tibby's looking like I did, people may be looking for me too, so I went straight to the Newsboys Lodging House. Mush and Blink were the only ones there, and both of them seemed shocked to see me in such a state. I nearly collapsed when I saw them and Mush moved just fast enough to catch me.
"Oh my God, Maddy? What happened? Who did dis to ya?" He asked as he slowly lowered me to the floor.
"Go get Julian, he's with the others at Tibby's. Don't tell anyone what happened, just get him and bring him here, now." And with that I lost consciousness.
When I woke some hours later I was in Blink's bunk and Jack was sitting next to me holding a damp cloth to my face. Jack was the first Newsy I met. I bought a paper from him my first day in New York and he took it upon himself to show me and Julian around the city. We had spent nearly every free day together since then. He introduced us to all the other Newsies, went with us and Race to the track, and even taught us how to sell. Julian was a natural, what with being so young and cute, and he always had the best time. Julian adored Jack, as did I.
"Hey look who finally woke up. We've been worryin' about cha kid. How d'ya feel?" I watched as he spoke desperately trying to decipher the words coming out of his mouth, but by head was pounding and the pain I had in my chest after every breath distracted me. "Maddy? Can ya hear me?" he asked, his brow furrowing.
I suddenly remembered with all too much accuracy what had happened and my mind immediately went to my brother. "Where's Julian?!" I screamed practically jumping out of bed. No sooner had I moved though than I doubled over in pain. I wanted to scream, but it hurt so much that I couldn't even make a sound.
"What are you doin'?! Are ya crazy?! Tryin' to hop out a bed lookin' like that. get back in there." I recognized the voice as Racetrack's though I had no idea he had even been in the room. I began to wonder who else was there. Jack and Race helped me to lie back down and Race continued talking as I struggled to breathe. "Julian's fine, he's asleep, in my bed too I might add."
"Maddy what happened? Do you remember anything?" Jack began asking questions again, this time I understood though. I remembered everything, but I was not quite sure how to answer. "C'mon kid, you kin tell me"
I spoke without even realizing. "He killed her. She found out and he killed her."
"Who? What're ya talking about?"
My mother, she was going to shoot him, but he shot her. She's dead." I watched as Jack's face glazed over. Obviously he was horrified. He knew, they all knew that Mason was cruel and abusive, I had had to explain bruises to them on more than one occasion, but this news still managed to shock them.
"Then he's da one who did this to ya? And he killed your muddah too?" I nodded slightly. "Ah jeez, kid. I dunno what ta say."
"I do," there were others in the room, or at least one other, Skittery chimed in and came and sat next to me on the bed, "you're one of us now."
Chapter 2
I floated in and out of consciousness for several days. Sometimes I would hear voices, Kloppman waking everyone, Race yelling about the horses, and Jack, he would talk to me I think. Every so often I would hear him telling me about his day, about the headline, about his most recent run-in with the Delaneys, and about Julian. I do remember him saying that he was taking care of him and that he wouldn't let anything happen to him. I don't think I would have been able to sleep at all, much less for days, if he hadn't said that. I believed him though, and I was not worried about my brother as long as Jack was with him.
All in all, the boys took really good care of me. They cleaned and dressed my wounds and made sure I lied still, they even force-fed me, despite the fact that I was barely awake at the time. Skittery in particular was always hanging around. It seemed like every time I opened my eyes I saw either Jack or Skit, both of them catered to my every need, from fluffing my pillows to helping me to the bathroom, which I'm sure was not a pleasant experience.
When I finally woke up for good, though, I was alone. It must have been early afternoon and I heard Kloppman downstairs swearing as he cleaned and, I suppose, knocked some things over. I got up and went into the washroom where I saw myself in the mirror for the first time since that awful day. I looked terrible. The right side of my face and forehead was covered in cuts of all sizes, though luckily none looked as though they would scar badly, in fact they were already healing quite well. My lip was a bit swollen and my hair was dirty and matted. I still hurt, by no means did I feel well, but I didn't feel nearly as bad as I looked.
I washed my hair and got dressed, though that took me nearly twenty minutes at least. Every time I would move I felt stabbing pains in my chest and side, broken ribs, I had heard they were painful but this was ridiculous. By the time I had finished I was too exhausted to do anything else, so I went to lie down. When I lied back, though, I saw something shiny hanging from the bunk, it was my mother's locket.
"I don't see what da big deal is, I was just showin' da kid some tricks a da trade is all."
"Race, you was teachin' him how ta cheat!" They were back, or at least Jack and Racetrack were. I heard their voices get louder as they came upstairs. "He's just a kid, he shouldn't even be playin' pokah, much less cheatin' at it."
"I was gonna give 'em a cut," Race said as they opened the door. I sat up, staring at them as they entered. "Maddy! You'se awake!"
"You shouldn't be sittin' up, ya should still be restin'. Did you change clothes?" He looked at me utterly confused.
"I got them in the washroom. I don't know whose they are, but I'll give them back eventually," I said, referring to the dirty white shirt and brown slacks it had taken me so long to get into earlier. "Where did you get this?" I held up the locket and glanced accusingly back and forth between the two of them.
Jack came and sat next to me on the bed while Racetrack milled around avoiding looking at me. Finally, Jack spoke. "I went an' got it from your apatment that night. I didn't go there fo' it or nuthin'. Julian was cryin' all night cause he didn't have some stuffed bear."
"Peter," I interrupted, "That's the bear's name.
"Yeah I know," he said with a bit of a laugh. "Julian told me. Anyways, like I said, I didn't go there for it, I just saw it on the floor and thought you might wannit, dat's all." We sat in silence for a moment. I just kept inspecting the necklace in my hands, the locket, the pictures inside, the chain. He must have been watching me because he started talking again just I found a knot in it. The uh, the chain was broken, I dunno why. I went ahead an' tied it so it wouldn't get lost or nuthin'."
I knew why it had been broken. "She was wearing it. Mason must have ripped it off her." I felt vomit rise in the back of my throat when I said his name, Mason, my mother's murderer. "It was her favorite necklace," I went on. "She had lots of jewelry, but she loved this." I felt the tears well in my eyes as Jack placed a comforting hand on my knee. I tried to shake off the sadness as best I could.
"Look, see, that's Julian when he was a baby," I said, showing him the tiny pictures. "And that's me."
"Yeah? Hey you'se was a good lookin' kid." I laughed a little and my ribs ached again. "You okay? Maybe ya should lie down awhile."
"No, I'm fine, don't worry."
"I can't help it. I been woiyin' 'bout cha for awhile now ya know."
"Yeah, Mad, ya gave us a real scare. We wasn't shoi you was gonna pull tru," Race said, walking over to us, still refusing to make eye contact.
"Sorry." It was all I could think of to say.
"You didn't do nuthin', wasn't your fault," Jack said, trying to be reassuring. "How d'ya feel anyways? Bettah I'd say."
"Yeah, better."
"Are you'se hungry? I kin run out and git ya somethin'." Finally, he looked me in the eyes, pleadingly. I could tell he desperately wanted to help, but just probably didn't know how. "Thanks Race."
He got up to leave quickly, too quickly. I think he was anxious to leave. I guess it was hard for him to see me, his friend, in pain. "I'll be back. I'll be right back."
Another thought occurred to me as I sat there. "Where's Julian?"
"Oh he's wid Les an' Davey. Don't worry though, he's fine. I mean he's been real worried about cha," he looked down and took a long pause, "and your muddah."
"He doesn't know?"
"Naw, we didn't know how ta tell him dat. We'se just told him dat you was sick and so was ya ma, and he was supposed to stay wid us for awhile."
"I guess that makes sense. I'll tell him when he gets back."
"You think dat's a good idea? I mean he's so little an' all"
"He should know. Besides he has to know to be careful and watch out for Mason." This time I actually tasted the vomit in my mouth. "He has to know that he can't go with him and why."
"Mason's probably long gone by now anyway. The Bulls are all out soichin' for him."
The thought that he might be gone had never even occurred to me. It would be the smart thing to do, disappear, at least for a little while. Of course, Mason wasn't always very smart. "He still has to be careful. And around others too, I don't want anyone trying to put him in an orphanage or anything."
"We'se been takin' real good care a da kid. He's never alone. He's been in Brooklyn the past few days wid Spot cause da Bulls was out lookin' for you two. But Spot's actually kinda takin' a likin' to him too." Just the thought of Spot Conlon looking after my mischievious little brother was enough to put a smile on my face.
"He hasn't been causing any trouble, has he?"
"Naw, he's a good kid."
Just as Jack said that I heard the door open downstairs as David yelled "don't run." Before I knew it Julian was practically on top of me, smiling and laughing just as he always does. On the inside I felt completely healed of all my pain when I looked into his face. On the outside, though, the force of his body hurling into me caused me to wince terribly.
"Whoa, be gentle kid, ya don't wanna hurt her do ya?" Jack asked as he pulled him off of me.
"No." He answered soberly, looking down like he was ready to cry after being so admonished.
"It's okay, you didn't hurt me," I said as I carefully lifted him onto my lap.
"Racetrack said you were up, so we came back. Are you all better?"
"Almost. How about you, how are you doing? I heard you spent some time in Brooklyn. Did you have fun?"
His face lit up. "Yeah I had lots of fun. And Spot let me sell with him and he's even better than Jack, at least that's what he says." Jack and I both laughed. "I had a lot of fun, but I wanna go home. Are we going home now? I wanna see mamma."
David and Les were now looming outside the door, so I chose to acknowledge them rather than answer my brother's question. "Hey you two, get in here and say hello." They both smiled and walked over. David gave me a very gentle hug while Les stood farther away, almost as though he was afraid to come near me. I couldn't really blame him though, I know I looked awful.
"You feeling better? You look a little better."
"Oh only a little, huh?"
"Maddy," Julian pleaded, "are we going home or not?"
Jack stood and nudged Les' shoulder. "Maybe we'se should leave these two alone for awhile, ya know, to catch up."
"Yeah that's a good idea. We gotta get back home anyway. It's good to see you up though, Maddy."
"Yeah, good to see ya up," Les said, staring at the floor.
I didn't know what to say. When they left the room was completely silent and I felt as though I couldn't speak. I'm sure Julian sensed that something was wrong because he didn't say anything either and he is not normally a quiet child.
"We're not going home are we?"
My eyes began to fill with tears as I spoke. "No kiddo, we're not. We don't really have a home now, or, I guess, this is our home. Wouldn't you like to live here though, with the Newsies? Wouldn't you like to be a newsy?" I tried to sound hopeful, irrational though it was, thinking that maybe if I made being a newsboy sound like fun he wouldn't be as upset about our mother being dead. I know now that it was ridiculous to even try such a thing.
"What about mama and papa?"
"Well, sweetie. they're gone now."
"Gone where? When are they coming home?"
"Um, they're not. Julian, mama's dead." I said the words without even thinking, they just came out, and as soon as they did I wanted to take them back. I looked into my baby brother's eyes and watched as his innocence, his childhood, died inside of him. He began to cry. "It's okay though because I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere. And mama, she's up in heaven now and she's looking down on us, and" I couldn't think of what else to say. I wanted to comfort him, but I just didn't know how. He turned around and hugged me tightly and my tears too began to flow. We sat like that for what seemed like hours, holding each other and crying. We cried for the loss of our mother, and the loss of home, but most of all we cried for the loss of our lives, for we now had to begin all over again.
Chapter 3
I never told Julian that Mason had killed our mother, though I suspect that even at such a young age he knew the truth, but I did tell him to stay away from him, to run away from him if ever saw Mason again. After I told him that we never spoke of him again.
We adapted fairly quickly to life with the Newsies, and soon fell into a routine with them. I had to get up earlier than the boys so that I could have the washroom to myself, and a sheet was hung up around my bunk in the corner of the room for added privacy. Both Julian and I sold with Jack even though, according to him, we were good enough to sell on our own. Our evenings were filled with poker games, which, though Julian was not allowed to participate, I always cleaned up in, and fun in the streets. Most times I sat out on the stoop and watched the younger boys run and play. I was just glad that Julian still had it in him to be a kid, that not all of his innocence died away along with our mother.
I often went to the roof late at night to stare at the stars, and feel the cool summer breeze whip through my hair. It was the most peaceful place I knew, and with memories that often plagued me, I would take all the peace I could find. I was out there one such night when Jack found me.
"Hey, whatcha doin' out here all alone?" I jumped when he spoke.
"Jeez, I didn't know you were there. You scared me half to death."
He sat down next to me smiling, "sorry," he said, not at all meaning it. "So what are ya doin'?"
"What does it look like? I'm looking at the stars."
"Oh, yeah, you know what any of them are? I mean the constellations. That's what they'se called, right?"
"Yeah, that's what they're called, but I don't know any. Do you?"
"Naw, I just think they fun to look at."
I laughed, "me too." We sat there for several minutes, in silence, just staring at the thousands of bright shining specks above us. "My mother used to tell me that the stars were angels and that they were always watching over us. Even during the day, though we can't see them, they're still there. You think that's true?"
He thought for a moment, giving my question serious consideration. "Yeah, I think that might be right." He looked at me and I saw something in him at that moment that I had never seen before. He was sad too, he had also lost his father and mother, he also knew what it was like to be alone. I could just barely even see him in the pale light of the moon, but as I looked into his shining eyes I saw a pain there hiding beneath all of his machismo and overwrought charm. We had something great in common.
"How did your mother die?" I asked without even thinking of whether or not it was appropriate, or whether or not it would hurt him.
"She got sick, consumption." He turned away from me and glanced back at the heavens.
"I'm sorry." Again, there was silence. "I understand you not wanting to talk about it"
"Naw it ain't that, they'se just not much ta say. I don't mind talkin' about it, not wid you anyway." His eyes nearly pierced my heart when he turned back to me.
"That's good I guess."
"I mean it, I feel like I can talk to you about anything, I dunno why," he looked away again, embarrassed, "I just do." He moved closer to me and put his hand on my arm. I could feel his warm breath on my face as he moved even closer and I somehow instinctively closed my eyes. Time seemed to come to a near stop as his lips brushed ever so slightly against mine. I had never felt such excitement, such fear, and such passion all at once. I didn't even notice when the kiss grew deeper, I was lost in the emotions of it all. It was sweet and seductive, and I never wanted it to end, but he touched me, on my back, my lower back, and I flashed to Mason touching me in much the same way. I chill ran through my body as the horrible memory tore through me, and I pulled instantly away.
"I'm sorry," he said, getting up frantically. "I didn't, um, I didn't mean to" I sat and watched him closely. He paced, anxiously running his hand through his dirty blond hair, never making eye contact, nervously stumbling over words in a desperate search to find the right ones. I was frightened at first, remembering Mason, remembering his touch, and equating it with Jack's, but as I watched him I began to calm down and the fear gradually passed. I did not say anything, I didn't even stand up, instead I continued to stare as this poor boy drifted into a humiliated state of shock. Then I began to laugh. "What?" he said as he whipped back around to face me. "Are you laughin' at me?" At first I thought he was angry, but in his eyes I saw that he was actually quite hurt.
"No, no, I'm sorry. I'm not laughing at you, I mean, I am, but not really. It's just that you looked so cute pacing around and acting all nervous like that, that's all."
"Right." He sat down with his back to me and hunched over hanging his head.
"No, really, Jack it's okay, what you did, kissing me like that, it's okay." As I spoke I walked over and knelt down in front of him. He looked up and our eyes locked. "It wasn't you, It just sort of reminded me of something, something I don't really want to remember. But it wasn't you."
"So if I did it again, would you pull away?"
I raised my face and our lips nearly met without any effort. We were not even an inch apart when I softly whispered, "No." He kissed me again, delicately caressing my lips with his own. I felt his hand comb slowly through my hair, the other gently grasped my own hand causing my heart to melt with passion. Tears fell from my eyes, staining both my cheeks and Jack's as the kiss grew deeper, the moment more intimate.
He stopped suddenly, jerking back to look at me worriedly. "Are you crying?"
I bowed my head to hide the tears. I didn't know why they came, or where they came from, but they embarrassed me. I tried to think of what to say, to explain, but I found no words. Then I felt his hand on my chin as he lifted my face. Our eyes met and I could sense the concern he felt as he gently wiped away my tears. I smiled at him, still not knowing quite what to say, but as I looked into his eyes again I saw that he somehow understood. It seemed as though I had lived my whole life with no one ever being able to truly understand me, who I am or why I do the things I do, I didn't even really understand me most of the time. But he did. It was as though he knew my soul. I wept openly then, I still don't know why. Maybe it was being reminded of Mason earlier. Maybe it was being reminded of love, and all the love I've lost in the past. Or, perhaps it was the knowledge that a man could do more than just hurt me, he could actually love me.