Scarlet Pimpernel Jokes!


A collection of various stuff.

Top Ten Lists
Lightbulb Jokes
Chicken Jokes
SP Commercials


Top Ten Lists

TOP TEN WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENTS FOR SP CHARACTERS:
1) Ropespierre: An all-expenses paid trip to Rome to meet the Pope
2) Marguerite: A visitation from the ghost of the St. Cyr's
3) Chauvelin: Dinner for two at "Le Chat Gris"
4) Dewhurst: A Christmas card from Martin-Rouget ("Lord Tony's Wife")
5) Chauvelin: A hot pink tiger striped suit
6) Gabrielle "Mam'zelle Guillotine" Damiens: Free guided tour of the Bastille
7) Armand: Top-secret documents
8) Chauvelin: Collection of Percy's greatest poetry
9) Heron: "I looked like an idiot at Bologne, and all I got was this stupid t-shirt" ("Eldorado")
10) Percy: Clip-on cravat


Lightbulb Jokes

HOW MANY SP CHARACTERS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?
~ Chauvelin to plot a scheme to kidnap and destroy the old lightbulb, while making up a subplot to capture the Pimpernel.
~ Some evil bad Frenchies that only exist in one story and don't take Chauvelin's warnings seriously to capture the old lightbulb and not guard it safely enough.
~ Percy to come up with a cunning plan to rescue the lightbulb.
~ Armand to let the plan slip to the enemies.
~ Percy to join in the crusade to rescue the lightbulb.
~ Marguerite to yell at him not to go because, after all, "It's a trap!" and to follow his every step, thus hindering any forward movement.
~ The League to rescue the lightbulb.
~ Chauvelin to fume and get annoyed.
~ Ropespierre to look up from painting his nails to also get annoyed at Chauvelin.
~ The Prince of Wales to laugh at the poem Percy wrote about the occasion.

AND FINALLY

~ Some people to read this and send me pointless emails about how "lightbulbs hadn't been invented yet"


Chicken Jokes

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Percy: "Isn't it obvious? His cravat was most obscenely tied! And his waistcoat -- Gad!"
Chauvelin: "It must be a trick of the Pimpernel's. I should follow him..."
Marguerite: "It's a trick to trap Percy!"
Armand: "It's going to go meet Percy... I mean, the Pimpernel! I mean..."
Andrew & Tony: (Too busy gazing lovingly at Suzanne and Yvonne to give any real answer)
Ropespierre: "It is none of my concern. Chop it, Chauvelin."
Marguerite: "Because I'm so beautiful and witty..."
Heron: Because it (obscene remark) well feels like it, (obscene remark) it!
Baroness Ortzy: In it's chain of life, it had many links that made it do so.


SP Commercials

(Most compiled by Zath Chauvert and I on the "In Her Wake" messageboard. Want to see the originals? Go there. Also, the idea for this came from the same thing for Les Mis characters here. )

Margot and Suzanne are sitting around at a ball (before they're married, obviously), both holding an end of an Oreo.
Margot: If "I" get more cream, then you have to marry... (Looks around room) the Prince of Wales!
Suzanne: Well, if I get more cream, then you have to marry that idiot Blakeney!
They twist, and it comes out even. Just then, Citizen Chauvelin walks by, looking his dark and handsome self. They turn back to the other and instantly grab up an Oreo.
~ Citoyenne Ainsley

A girl, Marie, perhaps, stands in the middle of a kitchen.
Marie - *takes out a bowl of butterscotch pudding* "This is Armand's brain."
Marie - *puts down clean pudding, takes out a bowl of it that's been in the fridge for a year.* "This is Armand's brain on drugs"
Marie - "Get the picture?"
~ Laurel

(Voice over as we see pictures of France, the guillotine, mobs, et cetera) “Welcome to Paris, where the blood is red, the wine is good, and the accommodations leave something to be desired. Aristocrats are guillotined daily and all the world watches the fun. But, should you get arrested for being a blue blood, better hope you brought cash because a Mastercard...” (Shot of guillotine blade falling, making nasty slash noise) “Just isn’t going to cut it. Visa. It’s everywhere you want to be.” ~ Citoyenne Ainsley

**The scene opens with the camera focused on Chauvelin, who is standing near the guillotine with smears of chocolate on his cravat. A French Mob, with smears of chocolate on their faces instead of dirt, surrounds the scaffold.**
Voiceover: "How Citizen Chauvelin of the Committee of Public Safety eats a Reese's peanut butter cup..."
Chauvelin: "First I lure it back to France by kidnapping its younger brother." **He holds up a foil-wrapped mini peanut butter cup for the camera to see** "Once I have captured it," **holds up what appears to be a York Peppermint Patty and pulls off the wrapper, revealing a peanut butter cup** "I introduce the traitorous peanut butter cup to Madame Guillotine." **He places the peanut butter cup on the neckpiece of the guillotine and lets the blade fall, cutting the candy in half.**
French Mob: "Split! Madame just bit! Give her more to bite. She's a hungry queen!"
Chauvelin: "Then, with claws of fire I devour like a falcon in the dive!" **Chauvelin snatches up the peanut butter cup halves and shoves them into his mouth.**
French Mob: **cheers**
**The camera pulls back as Chauvelin spreads his arms like the wings of a bird and tries to smile with his mouth full. From the camera's new position, it can be seen that the basket under the guillotine is full of orange Reese's wrappers. Then, the scene switches to a pair of peanut butter cups sitting against a blank background**
Voiceover: "There's no wrong way..." **The sound of a falling guillotine blade can be heard. The top half of the left peanut butter cup falls off. The other peanut butter cup vanishes, leaving only a few crumbs of chocolate and peanut butter behind.** "...to eat a Reese's." ~ Zath Chauvert

ChauChau the Chihuahua says "Yo quiero Pimpernel!"
~ Zath Chauvert

(Long shot of Percy carrying Margot over the cliffs of Calais)
Percy V.O.: Labor of love took on a whole new meaning when I was beaten to a pulp, then had to carry my wife back to the DayDream...
Narrator: One of life's most precious moments can also be it's most painful. That's why so many dual identity heros trust in Tylenol. [Shot of Percy taking some geltablets] for their aches and pains. Tylenlol. Take comfort in our strength.
~ Citoyenne Ainsley

I forget how the Mentos theme song goes exactly, but just pretend it's playing in the background.
We start with a view of Chauvelin walking down the hall of a prison. Suddenly, Percy and several other league members disguised as guards grab him and lock him in a cell. Chauvelin watches through the bars of the door as they escape with several aristocrats. Depressed, he sits down on the dirty straw to think. Inspiration strikes and he pulls out a roll of Mentos, which was hidden in his sash. Just as he pops one in his mouth, Robespierre arrives with several real guards and lets him out of the cell. Robespierre looks angry and points through the window, which just happens to have a good view of the guillotine. The guards start to grab Chauvelin, but he flashes his roll of Mentos and everyone laughs. Robespierre gives him one last chance and he goes back to chasing that demmed elusive Pimpernel.
~ Zath Chauvert

"Transportation across the English Channel on short notice: fifty pounds sterling
Dinner for two at the Chat Gris: three francs
Renting a horse-cart and bribing its owned to leave town: twenty-five francs
The look on Chauvelin's face when you trick him into snorting pepper: Priceless
There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's Mastercard."
~ Zath Chauvert

ChauChau holds up a priest's garb, looking over a soup stain in disgust.
ChauChau: Just look at this costume, it's filthy! That stupid Pimpernel made me spit soup all over it!
Talking Detergent Bottle: It's perfect!
ChauChau: What?
Talking Detergent Bottle: Perfect for me to get the stains out!
(Watch priest's garb get washed while Detergent talks about her cleaning powers. Back to ChauChau, who hears the washing machine ding. He smiles, and pulls out... a tiger striped coat??? Close-up on his face, which looks shocked. Percy comes right behind him, dressed in a bathrobe, whistling "Creation of Man". He grabs the coat from ChauChau's hands.)
Percy: Zounds! [Name of Detergent] really works! (Winks at camera)
~ Citoyenne Ainsley

We're in the Comedie Francais, and Percy is getting dragged off to get chopped. ChauChau looks triumphant, until Percy comes running down the aisles. ChauChau looks confused, until Percy pulls out his Mentos. They all have a good laugh, and walk away friends.
~ Citoyenne Ainsley

Percy (in fop mode) walks into Blakeney Manor and sees a lacy petticoat lying on the floor. He picks it up then sees Marguerite's pink scarf on the floor. He picks that up, only to see another article of Marguerite's clothing on the floor just a little ways away. He follows the trail up the stairs, picking up each piece as he finds it, until he's standing on the threshold of Marguerite's bedroom, holding an armload of laundry. He looks up and sees Marguerite, barely dressed, stretched out on her bed in a seductive pose. Percy looks at her then abruptly turns his back and walks across the hall into the laundry room, where he turns all his attention to delicately placing the clothes in the washing machine.
Voice Over: "Are clothes really important to you? Cheer, we love what you're wearing."
~ Zath Chauvert

(Musical) ChauChau is waiting to talk to the Prince of Wales while Percy helps him out picking out an outfit to wear to Lord Grenville's Ball.
VO: Not going anywhere for awhile? Try a Snickers.
~ Citoyenne Ainsley

Mercier is having a BBBQ (Beheading and Barbeque) and is cooking some Ballpark Franks. He hears the doorbell ring, and Percy and Andrew are standing there. "Hi, we used to live here..." Mercier instantly "Oh, come on back! We're having a BBBQ." "Oh no, we couldn't..." So, they head on back and have a hot dog... and sneak off with the aristocrats! *bwu-ha-ha!* (During this, the narrator is going on about how the hot dogs are plump and juicy) The doorbell rings again, and ChauChau opens the door. Tony and Percy are standing there. "Hi, we used to live here!"
~ Citoyenne Ainsley

Percy writes "Black buttons" on his hand with a quill. This done, he enters AM-PM Haberdashery and begins hesitantly walking around. He gets his eyes caught on new hats, frou-frou, faaaabrics, et cetera, but each time he looks down at his hand and remembers the buttons... until he touches some silks and smears the still wet ink. He begins to panic. After the news of the latest thing on sale, we see Percy buying forty pounds of frou-frou and holding up his hand. "Does this look like frou-frou to you?"
~ Lady Blakeney

A French soldier approaches Citizen Chauvelin in a secretive fashion. "Sir- we have intercepted this correspondence from Armand St. Just to the Scarlet Pimpernel!" Chauvelin replies, "Let me see it."
Tense music as he unrolls the scrap of parchment. The paper reads:
WHAZZZZZAAAAAAAAP????!!! - Armand St. Just.
Shot of Armand St. Just, who says "Whaaazzaaaap?"
Shot of Marguerite, who says, in a French accent, "Whaaaazzaaaap?"
Shot of aristocrat, in the guillotine: "Whaaazaaaa- (guillotine drops) gack!"
Shot of Sir Percy "What's up, wot? Hahahaha! Gad!"
Budweiser- the Scarlet Pimpernel of beers!"
~ Nana

By what name shalt I remember thee by?

E-mail address?



Back to Misc. Back to Main