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funnies
Jokes
CHECKING IN A minister passing through his church in the middle of the day, Decided to pause by the altar and see who had come to pray. Just then the back door opened, a man came down the aisle, The minister frowned as he saw the man hadn't shaved in a while. His shirt was kinda shabby and his coat was worn and frayed, The man knelt, he bowed his head, then rose and walked away. In the days that followed, each noontime came this chap, Each time he knelt just for a moment, a lunch pail in his lap. Well, the minister's suspicions grew, with robbery a main fear, He decided to stop the man and ask him, "What are you doing here?" The old man said, he worked down the road. Lunch was half an hour. Lunch time was his prayer time, for finding strength and power. "I stay only moments, see, because the factory is so far away; as I kneel here talking to the Lord, this is kinda what I say: "I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD, HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHER'S FRIENDSHIP AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN. DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY. SO, JESUS, THIS IS JIM CHECKING IN." The minister feeling foolish told Jim that was fine. He told the man he was welcome to come and pray just anytime. Time to go, Jim smiled, said "Thanks." He hurried to the door. The minister knelt at the altar; he'd never done it before. His cold heart melted, warmed with love, and met with Jesus there. As the tears flowed, in his heart, he repeated old Jim's prayer: "I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD, HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN, SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHER'S FRIENDSHIP AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN. I DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY. SO, JESUS, THIS IS ME CHECKING IN." Past noon one day, the minister noticed that old Jim hadn't come. As more days passed without Jim, he began to worry some. At the factory, he asked about him, learning he was ill. The hospital staff was worried, but he'd given them a thrill. The week that Jim was with them, brought changes in the ward. His smiles, a joy contagious. Changed people, were his reward. The head nurse couldn't understand why Jim was so glad, When no flowers, calls or cards came, not a visitor he had. The minister stayed by his bed, he voiced the nurse's concern: No friends came to show they cared. He had nowhere to turn. Looking surprised, old Jim spoke up and with a winsome smile, "The nurse is wrong, she couldn't know, that in here all the while Everyday at noon He's here, a dear friend of mine, you see, He sits right down, takes my hand, leans over and says to me: "I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, JIM, HOW HAPPY I HAVE BEEN, SINCE WE FOUND THIS FRIENDSHIP, AND I TOOK AWAY YOUR SIN. ALWAYS LOVE TO HEAR YOU PRAY, I THINK ABOUT YOU EACH DAY, AND SO JIM, THIS IS JESUS CHECKING IN."
** A man walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my friend," said the man. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it." "Don't be silly," the man said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young farmer protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the man said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind! "Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
** A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
A hunter is out hunting bear in the woods. He sees one, lines up his sights, takes a shot, and misses. The bear sees the hunter and charges towards him. The hunter tries to take another shot, but finds he's out of ammo. He throws down the gun and starts running away, but he realizes that the bear is going to catch up to him. The hunter falls to his knees and starts praying. He says, "Dear Lord, I ask that you let this bear find some religion before he does me in." He turns around, and the bear stops, falls to its knees, and starts praying. The bear says, "Dear Lord, for this food I am about to receive, I am truly grateful"
A preacher buys a lawnmower from a neighbor of his, but he can't get it to run. He goes to his neighbor and says, "Why can't I get the lawnmower to work?" The neighbor says, "Oh, to get it to work, you have to curse it." The priest says, "But, I haven't cursed in over thirty years!" The neighbor says, "In that case, just keep trying to start it. It'll all come back to you!"
A preacher repeatedly heard from his friends about the joys of playing golf on Sunday. Sunday players got a discount, they said, yet the golf course was never overcrowded like it was during the rest of the week. It was so peaceful, that a person could really concentrate on his game. Being a man of the cloth, of course, the preacher worked on Sunday. But, also being a avid golf fan, the preacher found the temptation to try the Sunday game strong and persistent. Finally, the preacher gave in. He called his assistant to say he was sick and to turn the sermon over to him. Then, he grabbed his clubs and headed for the golf course. The day was sunny and bright. The course was peaceful and quiet. His friends were right. Sunday was a perfect day to play golf. But, up in heaven, God and his angels were watching the preacher as he set up his first tee. "God," said the smallest angel, "You have to do something about this! The man is a preacher! This isn't right!" "Don't worry," said God. "I've got the situation well in hand." The preacher took his swing. THWAK!!! The ball wisked through the air straight and true as an arrow. HOLE IN ONE!!!!!!! At the second hole, the preacher takes a swing, and gets ANOTHER HOLE IN ONE!!!!!! Finally, after all 18 holes, the priest has gotten a hole in one at EVERY HOLE!!!!! "But, God!" cried the smallest angel. "This is terrible! How could you let him get a hole in one every time, when he shouldn't even be playing golf today?" God turned to the angel with a smile. "Who can he tell about it?"
Locked Car Door A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear,"
A Few Words Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"
s you never hear in church.............. 1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew. 2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time. 3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf. 4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists. 5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class. 6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he/she can live like we do. 7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before! 8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early. 9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas. 10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign! 11. I couldn't find space to park outside. Praise God!
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out so he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, "yes it is bad on earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good." Well, He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel. To get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes the earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good. God said this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5% that were good and encourage them, something to help them keep going. Do you know what that letter said? Oh, you didn't get one either?!
1. Let's Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game - God 2. C'mon Over And Bring The Kids - God 3. What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You Understand? - God 4. We Need To Talk - God 5. Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer! - God 6. Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage - God 7. That "Love Thy Neighbour" Thing, I Meant It. - God 8. I Love You...I Love You...I Love You... - God 9. Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place? - God 10. Follow Me. - God 11. Big Bang Theory? You've Got To Be Kidding. - God 12. My Way Is The Highway. - God 13. Need Directions? - God 14. You Think It's Hot Here? - God 15. Tell The Kids I Love Them. - God 16. Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available. - God 17. Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test! - God
