Author: coffeeplease
Rating: YTEEN (some curses)
Category: post-ep for Third Day Story, Humor, AU
Spoiler Info: Third Day Story, No Exit, Gaza, Memorial
Day, Leadership Breakfast, Debate Camp, Election
Night, The one where Toby talks about Miss Julia
Child... okay, everything up to Third Day Story.
Disclaimer: WB, NBC, John Wells, Aaron Sorkin....
owners. I just lease and try not to stain the carpet.
Lawsuits dont look good on me.
E-mail address for feedback: jamhandy1@yahoo.com
Archiving permission: Sure, just tell me first
Notes: (1) This is a bit AU. Josh and Donna are...
well, progressing in their relationship. Not quitting
their jobs and going their separate ways like John
Wells had them. Assume a tiny bit of CJ/Toby, too.
(2) I would think that smart men like Toby and Josh
know what a leek is, but for the sake of humor, lets
assume they dont.
(3) I would love any feedback you have on this one. It
is mostly dialogue.
How did you get... us... into this, Josh.
It was a stupid bet.
But it was a stupid bet that you took. A stupid bet
about sugar donuts or something...
C.J. wants to make sure that no one else on staff has
any further health problems.
Having you and I cook is a way to ensure that?
The logic fails me as well.
Still... this was your bet. And yet somehow I am
standing here...
Yes...
With the Good Housekeeping Book of Recipes in my hand
and a floppy hat...
Toby...
On my head. I have a floppy hat on my head, Josh.
Yes. Yes, you do.
And this is going to improve our health how?
I... dont know exactly. Look, it was a stupid bet.
Yeah, I got the stupid part of it.
A stupid bet that if I could eat... I dunno... like a
girl for a week, then she would cook me dinner. But
then she caught me.
She caught you?
Well, first she entrapped me with brownies and pizza.
And then she caught me with a...
With a what, Josh?
With a box of... Krispy Kreme...
You couldnt have waited until you got home?
I was hungry! Look, all you and I have to do is cook
her and Donna one meal and then nothing but donuts,
pizza, cheeseburgers and beef jerky until the end of
the administration. This will shut them up.
First, Im sure they can hear us from the living
room, so forget about the pizza, cheeseburgers and
donuts. Thats a pipe dream now. You and I will now be
eating nothing but bran muffins until Inauguration,
that I can assure you of. Second, it still doesnt
explain why you dragged me into this!
I cant cook! I needed help! Youre my wingman.
Im your wingman so you curse me with bran muffins
and a floppy hat? Thats not how you treat your
wingman.
It wont be bran muffins, itll probably be something
like... I dont know... salad.
Thats great. Just great. Ive had wonderful
experiences with women trying to get me to eat more
salad.
Look, we can cook this meal and prove to them, those
two women, WHO I KNOW ARE SNICKERING ON THE COUCH
RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND, that we will not be bested. Or
we can go out there and have them laugh at us. And
mock us. And humiliate us. And we will never hear the
end of it. We will be the two men who can run the
country but cant cook an omelet.
Were making omelets? For dinner?
Thats the only thing I know how to cook.
Good, cause that doesnt have any cholesterol or fat
in it.
I can... make toast?
Let me look at this damn book...
*****************************************************
Maybe we should help them?
C.J. shook her head.
No, theyre big boys. Big boys in floppy hats. Floppy
hats, my friend.
Nice touch.
I took Joshs ammunition and threw it right back at
him.
Im kind of... afraid, C.J. Ive already had one near
death experience this year.
They cant be that bad at it. They can read. They can
measure. They know how to turn on an oven.
Are we sure they know how to turn on the oven?
Do you really want to wheel yourself in there and end
up doing all the work?
No, no... I do not. I have to say I am enjoying their
humiliation, well, Joshs humiliation, but...
But?
Im hungry.
Me, too.
Starving.
Maybe we should get out the Chinese menu, just in
case.
*****************************************************
I have a Carolina Chicken Pilau, I dont know what
that is, a Chicken with Tomato and Olives over
Polenta, you dont have any olives and... Chicken
Osso-Buco Style which sounds well beyond the realm of
possibility.
Basic chicken, Toby. Tell me they have a recipe for
just basic chicken.
Turn the oven on and throw it in.
We cant just turn the oven on and throw it in! Weve
got to... spice it or something.
We have to spice the chicken?
Braise it or marinate or something...
What do we marinate the chicken in?
I really dont have the answer to that question.
Well, I still dont have a satisfactory answer to why
Im doing this, either.
Just... go back to the book. Find me basic chicken.
I dont need to find one. Im looking right at one.
Book, Toby! Recipe!
A basic chicken in a floppy hat holding some
breasts!
Not the good kind of breasts!
*****************************************************
Did he just say Not the good kind of breasts?
I believe he did, yes...
C.J., Im kind of incapacitated here...
Right.
C.J. stood up and made her way into the kitchen.
*****************************************************
Ouch!
C.J. walked back to the living room.
I see you got struck there, Josh, for your breast
comment.
I was saying that the female kind are better than the
chicken kind. You know... I was complimenting them.
I dont think they took it that way.
C.J. only hit me because Donna didnt want to wheel
herself in here.
Well, you and I will probably never see the female
kind again if we cant figure out the chicken kind, so
lets focus on the task at hand.
Did you find something in there?
Chicken Breasts with Vegetables... sounds pretty
basic. Although Im sure you and I will screw it up.
Undoubtedly.
We need two medium-sized leeks. Leeks?
Thats something we usually try and avoid.
Yeah... medium-sized... so the Washington Post
printing the details of our trade negotiations with
Uruguay is apparently called for in this recipe.
Seems a bit drastic for Good Housekeeping.
Lets keep going with the recipe... maybe itll call
for a half-teaspoon of coup detat.
Leeks? Arent those green...
*****************************************************
Leeks are onions, you dumb-asses!
Dont tell them that! Theyll just put regular onion
in!
Right.
Besides, we cant help them, Donna. We cant. This is
about the Sisterhood.
I think its kind of sad that two grown men cant cook
for themselves.
Strange, you know, that both Leo and the President
can cook, but these two cant. They were raised with
equal rights, they call themselves feminists and yet
they have no clue what a leek is.
Maybe its that the President and Leo were married.
You think Dr. Bartlet and Jenny did the same thing
were doing.
Sat around drinking Chardonnay, hoping the men didnt
set the apartment on fire? Maybe...
They were probably drinking more expensive Chardonnay
than this.
Right.... My mother told me that cooking for her
husband, my father, was her way of telling him that
she loved him. That he brought home the bacon and she
deep fried it for him. Of course, my father had a
heart attack three years ago...
I remember...
So Im thinking of expressing my love with salad...
Right.
Low-fat dressing.
Hell hate that.
My father doesnt even like bacon. Also, my mother is
hardly a feminist. She taught me to cook so I would be
able to snare a good catch. Donna made quote marks
with her fingers. Which reminds me, more fish on
Joshs diet, too.
My mother taught me to cook, but more so that I
didnt starve rather than the trapping of a potential
mate.... You know, there may be another reason why
those two are so inept in the kitchen.
What?
Well, theyre from Connecticut and New York, two
areas which have take-out and delivery, like D.C. You
and I are from Ohio and Wisconsin, two states in which
take-out and delivery are pretty scarce.
You could still get good pizza delivered to my
house.
But did you have it everyday? Donna, you know New
Yorkers. A home-cooked meal is the Chinese place on
16th street, twenty minute delivery time tops.
True. Very true. But I think wed find single men
from the East Coast who are still able to cook. It
must be just that Josh and Toby are... Josh and Toby.
True... So, have you ever cooked for Josh?
C.J., I have much better ways of snaring a good catch
than my tuna fish casserole.
*****************************************************
Go to the grocery store, Toby.
To do that, I have to go through the living room.
Through the war zone, where Thelma and Louise are
sitting there with the Chinese take-out menu in their
hand.
The recipes calls for leeks, baby eggplants, yellow
peppers and dried basil leaves. None of which I have,
half of which Ive never even heard of.
Youve never heard of an eggplant?
I was... exaggerating! Go to the store so we can
prove our manhood!
We can prove our manhood by buying dried basil
leaves?
Yes! No.... not that in particular.
I think it proves the exact opposite.
It proves to them, WHO BETTER NOT BE DRINKING ALL THE
BOOZE IN THE HOUSE, that we are men, that are we are
capable and that we can cook chicken all by
ourselves.
Toby moved towards the kitchen door.
We are... so whipped, Josh.
Just buy the damn basil and... stuff.
And what will you be doing while Im gone?
Ill bang around with pots and pans.... make it look
like Im doing something.
So the same thing you do at work.
Basically.
*****************************************************
Josh flopped into the recliner across from the two
women.
Hes going to get Thai, isnt he? C.J. asked.
No, no, no... we didnt have all the ingredients.
Didnt have.... you two really dont have any clue
what youre doing, do you?
We have a clue, thank you very much, Donnatella!
Josh, you buy the ingredients beforehand. You pick
the recipe beforehand.
Maybe thats how you do it, but Toby and I prefer to
work off the cuff.
Oh, good Lord. C.J. put her head in her hand.
Josh, you are over forty. How come you dont know how
to cook? Donna asked.
Um... I plead the fifth.
Joshua...
My mom tried to teach me, but I was thinking of other
things at the time. Like baseball and... girls....
You were thinking about girls while your mom was
trying to teach you to cook?!?
It was a general preoccupation, C.J. I wasnt
fantasizing about Suzie Tomlinson while my mom was
teaching me how to peel a potato.
You were, werent you? Donna narrowed her eyes at
him.
Little bit.
Donna turned to C.J. Well, I think its sexy if a man
knows how to cook.
Josh perked up.
C.J. nodded in agreement. Self-sufficiency is a big
turn-on.
That and it also shows that hes evolved. That he
doesnt consider cooking a womans realm.
That we belong the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant.
I never said that! Josh sat up straight. Im a
feminist, I would never even think that!
Nobody accused you of anything, Josh, C.J. stated
primly. I wouldnt marry a guy who couldnt cook.
Marry? I wouldnt date a guy who couldnt. Donna
peered over her wine glass at Josh. His eyes widened
and for a moment, he looked like the proverbial deer
in headlights.
Josh grinned. Okay, you two are playing me.
Donna smiled sweetly. Youll never know, will you,
cupcake?
It was then that Toby returned with the leeks, baby
eggplants, yellow peppers and dried basil leaves. Josh
stood up, grabbed his wingman and bolted for the
kitchen.