Author: coffeeplease
Rating: YTEEN (some curses)
Category: post-ep for Third Day Story, Humor, AU
Spoiler Info: Third Day Story, No Exit, Gaza, Memorial
Day, Leadership Breakfast, Debate Camp, Election
Night, The one where Toby talks about “Miss Julia
Child”... okay, everything up to Third Day Story.
Disclaimer: WB, NBC, John Wells, Aaron Sorkin....
owners. I just lease and try not to stain the carpet.
Lawsuits don’t look good on me.
E-mail address for feedback: jamhandy1@yahoo.com
Archiving permission: Sure, just tell me first
Notes: See Part One
“This needs to be excellent, Toby.”
“I think we should shoot for edible, Josh.”
“They need to be drooling. They need to be fawning.
They need to be licking their lips with anticipation.”
“I like the visual of them licking their lips and
fawning, although the visual of them drooling is
off-putting to say the least, but we have a better
chance of getting gay marriage sanctioned by the
Catholic church.”
“We’ll do that tomorrow, Toby, tonight we need to
knock their pantyhose off.”
“You aren’t sexist in the least.”
“Donna says she won’t date a guy that can’t cook.”
“And the real reason we’re doing this comes out.”
“No! That’s not... that’s not the real reason. It was
the stupid bet. But if she... well... I wanna.... you
know, make sure that I pass muster. For reasons beyond
my understanding, this is important to me.”
“A five year old would understand. You like Donna. You
want to date Donna. You want to hold her books between
class.”
“That’s not really the item of Donna’s I want to
hold... ouch!”
“C.J. can’t hear us.”
“So you’re her wingman, too?”
“I’m her something. So no more denial. You’re telling
me flat out. You’re doing this to win over Donna.”
“No, I’m doing this because of the stupid brownies and
pizza. But if I can impress Donna, show her that I’m
self-sufficient and date-worthy...”
“I would think flying to Germany...”
“Let’s not talk about all that. Look, remember Team
Toby? Well, now its Team Josh. And Team Josh is all
about cooking the most delicious chicken and green
onion thingys so that C.J. shuts her yap, so that no
one else has a heart attack and so that I can...
well... “
“Get some play with your much younger assistant?”
“Its not that Toby. Jeez...”
“I’m just... giving you a hard time. Fine. We’ll try
and make culinary history. Apparently its not enough
that you and I will be making actual history...”
“Well, so will C.J. and Donna, so I doubt they’re
impressed by that.”
“I should remind you that Team Toby failed to convince
my pregnant ex-wife to marry me.”
“I think Donna and I have to, you know, date first
before we get married, divorced and pregnant.”
“Just hand me the damn hat and recipe.”
*****************************************************
“Where are the two of you now?”
“Huh. In his apartment.”
“No, I mean... what’s going on?”
“You’re still the press secretary for the next couple
days... plausible deniability... plausible
deniability...”
“His eyes bugged out of his head when you said you
wouldn’t date a man that can’t cook.”
“I don’t think we’d need to date each other, C.J.
Dates are for people who don’t know anything about
each other. I know his credit card numbers, his
mother’s maiden name and his inseam.”
“But he doesn’t know that about you. Besides, you
deserve the candlelight dinner with the roses and the
violinist.”
“The deputy chief of staff and his assistant?”
“Why not?”
“Am I speaking to the same C.J. Cregg who told me to
do anything that doesn’t have to do with Josh Lyman?”
“Yes and for your career, I think you should go to
symposia and what not. I still think you should be
moving onwards and upwards. I just... I....”
“What?”
“He was... crying, Donna. Not sobbing or anything. But
there were tears in his eyes when we were in the
bullpen staring at MSNBC, after Andy told Toby that
you were in the other car. He went into his office and
put his head on the desk and... he was crying.”
“I cried for hours when he was shot.”
“I know.”
“It was... I can’t talk about Germany. C.J., that’s a
bit too private between Josh and I.”
“I understand. Its just... people I love, people Josh
loves, hell, people Toby loves, although he’ll never
admit it, are almost dying it seems like everyday.
You, Leo... and Josh complains because I want him to
eat better. Mortality is so easy to forget sometimes.
And some things are more important than the scandal
they may create or the pain they may have caused in
the past. You know what I mean?”
“I’m the one who almost died, C.J. I know what’s
important, I know Josh is important. We both... there
are certain things that were said, you know? I can’t
go into them, but its not like... it was before.”
“Okay.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. As long as you two are figuring it
out, that’s what’s important.”
“Speaking of figuring it out...”
*****************************************************
“Why the hell would they tell us to preheat the oven
at step number two? Wouldn’t that be step number one?”
“I never knew peppers had so many seeds in them.”
“You’d think that would be the first thing. Before the
list of the ingredients. The first thing they should
tell you is to turn the damn oven on.”
“Josh, all these seeds... is there a better way of
doing this?”
“Why are using a paper towel?”
“I don’t want to touch them!”
“Those are seeds from a yellow pepper, Toby. I don’t
think they’re contagious.”
“You know what? I’ll... I’ll... I’ll rinse them. I’ll
rinse them and the seeds will caught in the drain and
then you will have yellow pepper plants infesting your
sink. Growing so large they break through the
ceiling.”
“Yeah... I don’t think that’s going to happen, Toby.”
“Little Shop of Horrors, right here in your kitchen.”
“Well, I’ve got bigger problems than the carnivorous
pepper plants. I was supposed to turn the oven on.
Preheat, it says. Pre, like, before you do anything
else.”
“I think they may mean before we put the chicken in.”
“Then why don’t they just say heat the oven? Why don’t
they just say turn the oven on? And is there more the
preheating than just heating? Do we have to clean it
or something?”
“No, because if we did, it would say clean the oven.”
“Why don’t they just say turn the oven on?!?”
“I don’t know! Why don’t we call up Good Housekeeping
and ask them? Better yet, lets get some congressional
hearings fired up on this. Why do recipes say preheat
instead of heat, Senator? What, Senator, what are you
saying? We should just turn the damn oven on?!?”
“Let’s ask the Senator about your killer plants that
can grow without dirt in my sink!”
“You never know what Mother Nature is going to throw
at you.”
You’re a writer. You should be more bothered by this.”
“Turn the oven on, Josh.”
“Fine.”
“Josh?”
“Yes?”
“Have you ever cleaned your oven?”
*****************************************************
“Well, they turned the oven on.”
“Donna, you do know where the fire extinguisher is,
right?”
“They won’t set the apartment on fire.”
“Josh almost set the White House on fire, Donna.”
“But he was with Sam. Toby is much more...
flame-retardant than Sam.”
“I’m not sure what that has to do with anything.”
“I’m sure they won’t set the apartment on fire.”
“Well, as long as you’re sure.”
“I mean, it’s not like the oven is welded shut or
anything.”
“Right.”
“In fact, I doubt the oven has ever been used.”
“Josh does know how to open his own oven, doesn’t he?”
“I’m sure we’ll soon find out.”
*****************************************************
“I don’t think I have a pastry brush.”
“I don’t know if I’d admit to having one even if I
did.”
“And a pastry brush? We’re not making pastry, right?”
“No, because cooking is one thing. Baking would be
taking this too far.”
“Right.”
“Maybe one day you and I will be men enough to bake,
but tonight we should just stick to the basics.”
“This basic chicken is a lot more complicated than it
advertises.”
“So... a pastry brush... a brush... maybe a
toothbrush?”
“I think you want to glaze the chicken and vegetable
with the stuff, Toby. Not scrub it in like you’re
trying to remove some plaque.”
“Well, we could try the paper towels?”
“Paper towel is the all-purpose cooking utensil for
you, isn’t it? No... I got it. I’ve got it. Be right
back.”
*****************************************************
“Josh, where are you going?”
“The recipe called for a brush.”
C.J. turned to look at him. “The chicken we’re eating
tonight doesn’t have hair attached, does it?”
“No! I’m not getting a hairbrush.”
“Josh...”
He went into the guest bedroom. C.J. and Donna
exchanged looks of both amusement and fear. He
returned quickly.
“No, Josh!”
“Its a brush!”
“Its a used paint brush!” Donna twisted in her
wheelchair.
“I was going to clean it!”
“With turpentine? That’ll go real well with the
chicken.”
“Donna, I don’t have a pastry brush.”
“Top cabinet on the left near the back. Your Mom gave
you a set of brushes. Hanukkah, 2002.”
Chagrined, Josh set the brush down on the end table
and proceeded back to the kitchen, muttering “my way
would have worked, too.”
C.J. looked at Donna. “You know where the man’s pastry
brushes are. Maybe you don’t have to date after all.”
*****************************************************
“Okay... I think they may mock us for that.”
“Us?”
“Me. Okay? Me. But as long as the chicken makes
Donna...”
“Josh, you know, you probably could have said it with
flowers.”
“Flowers have kind of a bad history with us. The last
time I got her flowers... they ended up on the floor
of the hospital.”
“You had a fight?”
“No, she had an embolism. She... she never got them. I
tossed them somewhere when I was trying to find out
what had happened.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“What about chocolate?”
“That I could have done, no problem.”
“But cooking dinner...”
“It was the bet, Toby. I didn’t know before tonight
that Donna considers a man who can cook a turn-on! If
I had, don’t you think I would have enrolled in
cooking school by now?”
“With the enormous amount of free time you have, given
that your current job isn’t at all demanding?”
“I would have watched one of those cooking shows. Hey,
you watched Julia Child. How come you don’t know how
to cook?”
“I watched for the joy that is Miss Julia Child. I did
not absorb any of her genius.”
“Too busy thinking about girls?”
“Little bit.”
*****************************************************
“You blew his brain, Donna.”
“I know.”
“He’s all flustered because he thinks you want a man
who can cook.”
“I do want a man who will cook, C.J. The “can” part
doesn’t mean much. I can teach Josh to cook, no
problem. Just as long as he’s willing to learn and
willing to cook, that’s all I ask.”
“Right, you want it to be equal.”
“The ideal situation is where we’d come home after
work and cook together.”
“Agreed.”
“But its fun to listen to him squirm about it.”
“Definitely.”
“You still holding on to that Chinese menu?”
“Like a life preserver.”