Author: coffeeplease
Rating: MATURE (sex, swearing)
Category: post-ep for Han, AU, Angst
Spoiler Info: Everything up to Han
Disclaimer: WB, NBC, John Wells, Aaron Sorkin....
owners. I just lease and try not to stain the carpet.
Lawsuits don’t look good on me.
E-mail address for feedback: jamhandy1@yahoo.com
Archiving permission: Sure, just tell me first
Notes: Sequel to “Fireworks From Sam.” Josh’s
perspective.
She was tying his bow tie, just like nothing had
changed. She tied it the night she told him about
Cliff Calley. She tied it countless times. It was a
way of getting her close to him, close enough to kiss,
and yet he could never kiss her. He was a masochist,
he freely admitted. At least he could smell her
perfume.
He wondered if she had worn the same perfume the night
she and Sam...
It had taken all his strength not to yell at her as
soon as he had hung up. Yell, scream, throw things,
take her by the shoulders and shake her and ask her
how the hell she could have done this to him. But the
stain by his visitor’s chair mocked him. Him and Amy.
He had no right. Everyone involved was a consenting
adult.
So he couldn’t be mad at her. Strangely enough, the
more he thought about it, the more he wasn’t. Pieced
together in his mind, it all made sense. Donna had
seen him and Amy together at the fireworks. Upset, she
went to drown her sorrows at the Four Seasons bar. Ran
into Sam and it was the perfect revenge. Sleep with
his best friend.
At least it proved that she still cared.
If that wasn’t the case and she had actually wanted
Sam without any thought of retribution, then Josh was
at a loss. The revenge story made sense to him and his
ego; gratified him to be at the center of their world.
Sam and Donna making love without a single thought to
how it would affect their boss, best friend, brother
in arms? It just wasn’t feasible.
He would never let Donna know that he knew. The angry
part of him wouldn’t give her the satisfaction; the
more humble side of him wanted to save her the
embarrassment and pain. If she knew he knew, she would
expect months of iciness, like after Cliff. There was
no way Josh would let that happen again. He would make
no snide comments. He was screwing Amy; he was in no
way blameless.
However, Sam Seaborn could rot in hell and Josh would
never speak to him again.
Sam had known better. Had known... had known his best
friend’s heart and had still chosen to sleep with
Donna. Josh’s hands balled into fists as Donna looped
the tie around again. They were talking about
economics, about her family, about the president. But
Josh’s mind was slamming Sam against a wall and
punching his pretty boy face again and again and
again...
He had never had such violent thoughts about Cliff or
Jack Reece. Of course, he had some idle fantasies and,
of course, he would turn Dr. Freeride into hamburger
if he ever crossed paths with him. But the past few
weeks had been filled with thoughts of slugging Sam.
Preferably in front of Donna.
It occurred to him that if Sam had slept with Amy, he
would not be this angry.
“It’s not cool!” Fantasy Josh screamed at Fantasy Sam
as he clocked him once more. “You knew I’d have a
fucking problem with it! You knew how much I cared!
How dare you fucking touch her!”
Over the years, there had been a few nights when Sam
and Josh would drink together and the attributes of
the latter’s assistant had come up. Those long legs,
wide eyes, thin hands, pouty mouth. It had never
gotten too dirty, Josh wouldn’t have allowed it. He
could accept that Sam wanted Donna, found her
desirable. Many men did. But if Josh weren’t allowed
to touch her thin hands or measure the inches of her
long legs, neither was Sam.
They could be consenting adults all they wanted, it
still didn’t make it right. It didn’t stop the
feelings of hurt and betrayal from clouding over Josh
on a daily basis, every time he walked by Will
Bailey’s office.
But he couldn’t let Donna know.
She let those thin hands rest on his lapels for a
moment. She searched his face.
“Donna...”
“You should go. You’ll be late.”
He could never tell her.
“Donna, I know.”
She furred her brow.
“You know what exactly?”
“About... you and Sam.”
Her hands flew off his lapels. He tried to pretend it
didn’t hurt.
“How... how do you know about that?”
“I’m not going to say.”
“He told you.” She answered her own question as she
slowly backed away from him.
“Yes... yes, he did.”
“And you’ve known how long?”
“Since... since the day after. July fifth.”
She seemed frightened. He cursed himself thoroughly.
This wasn’t going to be like Cliff, like Jack. He
shouldn’t have told her.
“Well...” She shrugged her shoulders and gave him a
half-grin. “These things happen.” She seemed to be
waiting for an explosion, bracing herself. She also
seemed unlikely to apologize.
“Yeah, I guess they do.” He didn’t mean to sound so
hurt.
She steeled herself, coming back closer to him. “Josh,
I...”
“I’m the last person to lecture anyone about
meaningless sex right now.” He looked deep into her
eyes, trying to will her to understand about him and
Amy. And to make sure she didn’t see the stain by the
visitor’s chair.
She stared right back, unfazed. “Who said it was
meaningless?”
Ice washed over him. New scenarios danced in his mind
and he honestly felt more sick to his stomach than he
could ever remember being. “I...I... thought it was
just one time.”
If it were ongoing, if it was a romance, if he was
going to have to watch her become Mrs. Sam Seaborn,
then he might as well vomit right now.
“Just because it was only one time doesn’t mean it was
meaningless.”
“So it meant something...”
“I don’t... Josh, this isn’t something you and I
should discuss.”
“Why?”
“Because...” She looked back at him, a bit of shame
lacing her eyes. “Because you’re my boss.”
“That’s the lamest excuse I’ve ever head.” He yanked
at his bow tie, just so she would have to tie it
again.
“Yeah, and there are certain things you and I can’t
discuss. My sex life being among them.”
Bitterness engulfed him. “Did you make that rule
before or after the thirteen buttons on the trousers
comment?”
She sighed heavily. “So this is going to be like Jack
and Cliff. You feel the right to judge me...”
“Its not about judging you!”
“Well, that’s what it sounds like from here!”
“Knock it off. You know exactly what this is about.”
“No, I don’t.”
He walked as near to her as he could without touching
her. He couldn’t touch her. “Come on, Donna. You know
what this is about. Put yourself in my shoes, how
would you feel?” He tried to put empathy and care into
his voice, but his words came out pleading and sad.
She didn’t answer him. Didn’t even look at him. He
never should have told her.
“Please, Donna...”
“Josh, you’re going to be late.”
“This isn’t like Cliff and Jack. This isn’t the same
thing.”
Her voice was tinged with tears, but it was also angry
and feisty. “You know, Josh, you’re the first boss
I’ve ever had who did this. Who turned my having sex,
having relationships...”
“Oh for Christ’s sake, Donna.” Josh exploded, slamming
his hand on the desk. “Do you really think this is
about me being your boss? A boss doesn’t have any
right...”
“And neither do you.” She stated icily.
He gulped. “I know.”
She relented slightly, coming closer to him. “But I do
understand how... if I were in your shoes, I’d be
hurt. And I didn’t mean to hurt you...”
“Bullshit.”
She blanched. “Josh...”
He quickly schooled his features, trying for all the
world to look compassionate and caring. “Just... just
admit to that much, Donna. You had to have... I
mean.... you slept with Sam to hurt me.” He could
barely stomach the sentence. “And that’s okay. I mean,
I’m sure.... I probably deserve it.”
Donna closed her eyes and Josh could see her count to
ten in her head. Her voice, when she spoke again, was
angrier then he had ever heard before. “You are an
egotistical jackass, Josh.”
“Donna...”
“No,” She walked around him, her eyes open and wide
and filled with a simmering anger. “I know the script
you have in your head. This was revenge, I did this to
hurt you, Sam and I fucked just to hurt you. That’s
how it is, right? Because this is all about Josh
Lyman.”
He ripped his tie apart. “If it had been any other
man, Donna, but you choose Sam. My best friend for,
what, twenty years? You can deny all you want, you can
call me egotistical, but I’m damn sure Sam knew how
this would effect me and you did, too.”
“Yeah, I’m sure Sam thought of you while I was giving
him head.”
He couldn’t look at her or the stain on the floor. He
couldn’t look at anything; tears had blurred his
vision. How could she say that?
His voice was watery. “See, that just proves you’re
trying to hurt me.” He chocked back a sob.
“I’m sorry, Josh.” She sounded small and near tears.
He touched her, God help him, he had to. Had to stop
this meaningless cycle of pain and injury and darkness
and just let her know, somehow... He gripped her hand
and was overjoyed that she didn’t pull away.
“It really is okay, Donna. I’m hurt, but... I can’t
be, you know. But I am. But I’m not angry, at least
not at you.”
Her hand left his and went to his bow tie, to retie
the damn thing. Just like everything was normal.
It was a few moments before she spoke.
“Are you angry at Sam?”
He bit his lip and closed his eyes.
“I don’t think that anger quite covers it, Donna.”
“Are you hurt at Sam?” Her fingernail grazed his neck.
“Yeah, yeah, I am. But that doesn’t quite cover it,
either.”
“You think that he did this to hurt, you, too?” She
sounded wounded.
“Not entirely.” He closed his eyes, willing himself to
keep breathing. “I always knew he found you
attractive.”
“A lot of men...”
“Yeah, I know.” He knew. God help him, he knew men
found her attractive. “But Sam... he likes you. You
know, likes you likes you.”
She took a deep breath. “And you like me like me,
too.” She said it in the smallest whisper.
“Yes.” He whispered. She was so close to him and a
stronger man would kiss her. But he just couldn’t.
Maybe it was the job, maybe it was Amy, maybe it was
that this thing between them was too damn strong for
one kiss in the office. Except that it wouldn’t be one
kiss, Josh knew. They’d be adding stains to his floor
in a matter of minutes if he touched his lips to hers.
He continued. “And you like me like me. So I guess the
real question is, do you like Sam?”
“I think the real question is why are we talking like
middle school students?”
“Answer the question.”
“And you like Amy.” She didn’t seem to upset to say
it, but Josh reasoned that she had had a couple years
to get used to it. A couple years of dealing with the
perpetual mess of himself and Amy. He had put her
through that. She deserved revenge and he wasn’t angry
at her.
He could kill Sam with his bare hands.
“Yeah, I do. I’m not going to lie to you. But I don’t
like her...” He had almost said “love her.” “...
nearly as much as I like you.”
Her hands stopped on his tie. “When Sam and I were at
the bar, I asked him what good you and I liking each
other... what good had it ever done, what happiness
had it ever brought us?”
“Knowing you has brought me happiness, Donna. I hope
you can say the same about me.”
“I can, but its not enough.”
He grabbed her hands from his collar and brought her
closer to him. He wrapped his body around hers and
held her as close as humanly possible. In her ear he
whispered, “Give me more time.”
“How much?”
“I don’t know.”
“I can’t wait forever.”
“I can.”
She pulled away, studying his face. “You’re not
waiting. You’re with Amy.”
“And you were with Sam.”
“I like Sam, but not as much as I like you.” She
smiled at him softly.
“I’ll ask Amy tonight to define what we’re doing and
she won’t be able to. Do you know why?”
“I don’t know if I want to know.”
“Because she knows how I feel... about you.” He wasn’t
going to bring up that embarrassing night a year ago
when he shouted the wrong name during his orgasm. Or
how many times that had almost happened. Darker
thoughts came into his head suddenly. “And so does
Sam.”
“Josh...”
“You, Donna, I can forgive for hurting me. I deserved
it. I know it. But name me one goddamn thing I ever
did to him to deserve this. He wanted you, no doubt,
but he knew how I’d feel.”
“You’ll forgive Sam.”
No.
“No, I won’t.”
Donna laughed slightly as she went back to tying his
bow tie. “Twenty years of friendship shouldn’t go down
the drain because of a woman.”
“Too late.”
“Josh, I don’t like...”
“I’m sorry Donna, but it doesn’t really matter whether
you like it or not. These things have consequences.”
“Eventually...”
“No.”
He stopped seeing Amy a few weeks after that. Carrick,
Angela Blake, the shutdown... he can’t say he really
missed Amy during that period because, in a weird way,
he felt closer to Donna than before and that was all
he really cared about. They were still boss and
assistant, both still waiting, but at least they knew
the other was waiting. He could drop by her apartment
at 2 AM, after having shouted at a few inanimate
objects. She would make him some tea and he would stay
the night, cuddling with her and thinking maybe this
wasn’t waiting after all.
Sam kept calling. Donna would give him the messages, a
look in her eye. The look said “get over it, please,
for my sake.” But although Josh would do almost
anything for Donna, he wouldn’t do that.
*************************************
Years later, he answered the phone.
“Josh...”
“Sam.”
Sam seemed to stop breathing. At least, he wasn’t
saying anything.
“Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“I didn’t think you’d answer the phone.”
The violent fantasies had ended a couple years ago.
The pain had gradually subsided.
“Then why did you call?”
“I never give up hope?” Sam made the sentence sound
like a question.
“Sam, the glass is always half full, Seaborn.”
“Yeah, Josh?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m really sorry.”
“Give me more time. In a few years, I’ll be ready to
fully accept your apology.”
“But Josh, you got the girl.”
“I know.”
“You married the girl.”
“I know.”
“Then...”
“You knew it wouldn’t be cool, Sam. You knew I’d have
a big problem with it. You knew how much I cared.”
“I did.... Josh.... um...”
“It’s okay, Sam.”
“Its just... your wife is an amazing woman. And for a
night, I forgot that she was.... that she was waiting
for someone.”
Josh thought about what he said for a second. “It
really is okay. She waited for me.”
“Yeah.”
“Sam, I’m sorry, I gotta run but we’ll....”
“You’ll forgive me in a few years?”
“That I will.”
“Take care of her.” And then Sam was gone.
Dial tone.