Author: coffeeplease
Rating: YTEEN (references to “sleeping with”,a few
swear words)
Category: AU, little angsty, little sappy
Spoiler Info: Everything up to Holy Night, and then it
veers into AU
Disclaimer: WB, NBC, John Wells, Aaron Sorkin....
owners. I just lease and try not to stain the carpet.
Lawsuits don’t look good on me.
E-mail address for feedback: jamhandy1@...
Archiving permission: Sure, just tell me first
Notes: Josh’s POV, a companion to “My Father, My Dad.”
Thank you everyone for the great feedback on that one.
Tell me what you think of this.
In the beginning, it felt like the honorable thing to
do. Step in, because Jack was gone so often and I was
always there. Always, from Donna puking in my trash
can (she had horrible morning sickness) to the doctor
handing me the scissors to cut the cord. I had to take
care of them, but if I said it was out of respect for
Jack Reece, I would be lying.
A punch in the gut. I felt like puking into my trash
can the day she told me. A punch in the gut and then a
jab across the face. She was pregnant. They were
getting married. She was pregnant and they were
getting married. She had to say it a few times for me
to actually comprehend it. I don’t recall what I said
to her, if I even offered congratulations, because I
was in profound shock.
I found myself very, very drunk that night. And the
next night. All of our coworkers, from the President
down to the janitor’s assistant were shooting me
sympathetic, worried looks. Out of respect for Donna,
I was sober for the wedding. But I found myself
sitting on my hands when the priest asked if anyone
objected. I don’t think I was the only one.
Donna didn’t really love him, that much I knew. She
thought it was the right thing to do for the baby and
I couldn’t object to that. Two-parent families are
better for kids than single mothers, especially single
mothers who work at the White House and have
pain-in-the-ass bosses like me. The idea that the
father didn’t necessarily have to be the biological
one didn’t really hit me until later.
Until I was a father. Until I had a son, who wasn’t
mine but was in every way that mattered.
It seemed like Jack was transferred and deployed
before the last piece of wedding cake had been eaten.
I know he believes that I had something to do with it,
but I didn’t. He thinks there was some master plan,
that I deliberately sabotaged his marriage and stole
his child from him. I’m not that guy. I never thought
I would be that guy. I never thought I’d be sleeping
with a married woman until I was. By then, I was
deeply in love with Donna and our son. Nothing would
have tore me away from them, not even the husband and
father.
He was in the Middle East and I was still here.
Letting Donna throw up in my trash can and watching
ultrasound videos with her and assembling baby
furniture. We weren’t involved romantically, not then.
I didn’t think I was going to be a father figure for
the kid. I was just being Josh, Donna’s boss and
friend. I was taking care of her and I thought I was
doing the right, honorable thing.
I was, but I was also still reeling. The punch and the
jab were hard to recover from. She was having another
man’s baby. She was married. I felt fate chastising me
for sitting on my hands, for letting this happen, for
not doing a damn thing to stop it. Moreover, I felt
impotent and alone. Donna marrying Jack Reece stirred
up more self-loathing than I knew I could feel. When I
wasn’t helping Donna or doing my job, I was pitying
myself.
But that Tuesday when Donna came into my office, her
face etched in pain, and told me her water had broke,
I had no time for self-pity. I was too busy rushing
her to the hospital, feeding her ice-chips, helping
her breath through the contractions. I was also too
busy to think about Jack Reece; everything was focused
on Donna.
I held him first. Doctors don’t know any better; they
see a man in the delivery room and they assume he must
be the father. I counted fingers, I counted toes. I
was briefly alarmed by the soft spot until the nurse
assured me it was normal. I gave him to Donna and put
my arm around both of them. It was then things
profoundly changed.
Again, I couldn’t help but be there. Wasn’t so much
about doing the right thing anymore. I just... had to
be. I really, really wanted to be. I didn’t know that
this was fatherhood. I just knew that those two beings
were extremely precious to me. Every protective
instinct went into overdrive; self-pity slowly
replaced by determination. He didn’t have to grow up
with an absent father figure. I was right here.
It was also just a matter of inertia. There was really
nothing that Donna or I, or Jack Reece, could have
done about it. I’m not proud of having slept with
another man’s wife, of having done so for years
without much remorse. The only real remorse I felt was
for our son for having to go through all the drama and
pain. He was not oblivious to it and I honestly do
feel terrible that I am between a biological father
and his son.
It was me he called “Daddy” first. It was me who
changed diapers and tried to calm him when he teethed.
Donna and I set up a little port-a-crib in my office,
with Leo’s permission, so we could work after daycare
closed and so they wouldn’t go home and leave me. I
really didn’t want them to leave me. So we’d work on
appropriations bills and judicial nominees while we
took care of our son.
The baby was nine months old when everything changed.
It wasn’t sudden, not for either of us. Late nights at
the office became late nights at either of our
apartments. I gave up my guest bedroom for the baby,
even decorated his room with a baseball theme. Hugs
turned into kisses turned into “messing around” turned
into making love until the sun came up or our son woke
up.
She filed for divorce a week after we first made love.
He refused to sign the papers. She filed again and
again for almost five years. He’s a smart man and he
quickly figured out what was going on. After a few
years, everyone from the President to the janitor’s
assistant knew. If he had the politician's mind, he
would have gone to the press. He could have ruined me
for sleeping with my married assistant.
He never did. He swung actual punches at me, not
political ones. A number of times, but it didn’t
change anything. I stood there and took it and later
it was me, not him, whose wounds Donna would attend
to. Being punched by Jack Reece was less painful then
the sharp jab I felt when Donna first told me. That
may have been one of the most painful moments of my
life.
I was honestly surprised that our coworkers sympathies
fell with me, not him. Donna and Jack were married. He
was the father. I was the supposed interloper. The
political disaster of the situation, not to mention
the emotional disaster, should have sent the White
House reeling. Instead of yelling at me, C.J. bought
me (and Toby) a “World’s Greatest Dad” coffee mug.
Instead of firing me, Leo gave me time off when my son
was in the hospital with a broken leg. President
Bartlet began speaking of Donna to me as if she were
my wife.
I once overheard a conversation between Toby and Leo.
My son was around three years old at the time.
“She filed again over the weekend. Maybe we should
consider...”
“We can’t, Toby. As much as I would like to end this
painful charade, the White House can’t be seen as
getting involved in a marital dispute.”
“Leo...”
“Especially a martial dispute in which the wife is
cheating on the husband with her boss, the White House
Deputy Chief of Staff.”
“He’s been a husband and a father while Jack Reece,
Mr. Honor and Duty, has been off on a boat.”
“Jack Reece is serving his country. We should probably
show him a little respect, given that he has the power
to screw us over and hasn’t.”
“I just... would like to have Josh’s back on this.
Donna makes him happy. The kid makes him ecstatic.”
“Toby, I want the divorce to go through as much as you
do, as much as Donna does, as much as Josh does. Hell,
we all had to sit on our hands when the priest asked
if anyone had good reason that they shouldn’t be wed.”
Leo’s voice changed. “I wish Josh had stood up
then...”
“Josh thought he was doing the honorable thing.”
“Now he’s doing the honorable thing. I never thought
I’d consider adultery honorable, but Josh is her
husband and he is the father in the ways that count.
Pieces of paper don’t change reality. But its a mess
and we can’t wade through...”
Leo was right. It was a mess. But it was also my
family and they were mine. I didn’t steal them; they
were mine to begin with. Leo was also right in that I
should have stopped the marriage from even taking
place. Had I known then what I know now, I would have
thrown myself in between them.
I would say that I would have never volunteered to
play matchmaker, but I love my son too much to negate
his existence. Yes, he could have been mine
biologically had I refused, but he wouldn’t be the
same little guy that licks the frosting off the
cupcake before he eats it. Who can’t hit the ball at
all, but catches like a pro.
Eventually Jack did sign the papers. Donna and I
married and had two amazing children of our own. But
my eldest is my eldest. I know I’m not his stepfather;
I’m really the only father he’s even known. He’s still
my little guy, our baby, the one who once spread pesto
sauce all over our leather couch and who hummed to
himself when I was giving him a bath.
Jack Reece missed all that. But I was here.