My cat is so fat

OK, the truth is she really isn't fat, but one night I was making up jokes like the 'yo mama' ones to my girlfriend, and I got carried away. Actually, I found her after someone decided to abandon her in Bowen Park in Nanaimo. No suprise there 'cause they have a lot of feral cats. We put up lost cat posters and checked in with the S.P.C.A, but after a couple of months she was mine. So instead of re-hashing the 'yo mama' jokes, I came up with some original stuff. ( ok except for the smuggling and the shadow bit.)
she has two blood types. she has to get other cats to lick her. her tail gets lost in her folds. she doesn't go to a litter box, she goes to a sand dune. she's been mistaken for a bear skin rug. she jumped on my bed and it broke. she'd make three fur coats	No, this is NOT my cat!
she doesn't eat Meow Mix™ she eats barn mix. people ask if I pet her or milk her. she got drag marks on her belly. she doesn't use a scratching post, she uses a telephone pole. she doesn't catch mice, she catches cars. looks like she smuggling a bulldog
she doesn't purr, she oinks. my neighbours thought our lawn had turned black until she moved. I couldn't get a pet licence for her 'cause she's classed as livestock. she uses my belt as a neck collar. she sat on the hat and killed Dr. Suess©. even her shadow weighs 5 pounds.	This ain't either.