A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, 
"I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. The farts never smell and 
are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here, and I 
bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says,
"I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the lady goes back. 
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts - although still silent 
- stink terribly."
The doctor says, 
"Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..."

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim  accidentally dropped 
some cards on the floor. When he bent down under  the table to pick 
them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under 
her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit 
his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife 
followed and asked, 
"Did you see anything that you like under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs 
of this offer, Jim confirms that he is  interested. Sue told him that 
since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim 
should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp
- and after paying Sue the agreed sum oof $500 - they went to the 
bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed 
and left. 
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his 
wife: 
"Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 
"Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 
"And did he give you $500?" 
Sue, using her best  poker face, replied, 
"Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 
"He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He 
promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me 
back."

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife 
came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat 
stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and 
asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat 
on to cover the seat before they went. 
When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat 
to show him their predicament. The man asked, 
"Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking. One woman looked up 
and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers 
in his hand. 

She rolled her eyes and said, 
“There comes the a**hole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect 
me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.” 

Her friend promptly replied, “Don't you have a vase?”

Two elderly couples are having dinner. 
After the meal the women excuse themselves to go make coffee. 
One of the men turns to the other and says, 
"The other night we ate in a great, fancy shmancy restaurant." 
"Oh, yeah! What's that?" 
"Help me out," says the first man, groping for the name. 
"Oh... what's that flower... red petals... thorns..." 
"A rose." 
"Yeah, that's it!" he says before turning to the kitchen and shouting... 
"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we ate in the other night?"

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect and
they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is 
completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute 
small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly 
medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears 
on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy 
would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so 
extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually 
is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip off each other's
clothes.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are
lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, 
smiling, 
"Well, how was it?"
The guy says: 
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy sitting on a barstool who has a 
huge round orange head.
"What happened to you?" the man asks.
"Well, you see." the man begins ""A few years ago I found an old lantern 
and when I rubbed it a genie came out and granted me three wishes. With 
my first wish I asked for a million dollars. With my second wish I asked 
for a beautiful woman to be my wife. And with my third wish... and I think
this might be where I went wrong... I asked for a huge round orange head."

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is 
staring. He replies: 
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." 
She answers, 
" My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been 
a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about 
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive." 
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." 
She responds, 
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and 
#2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, 
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" 
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." 
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. 
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?" 
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and 
I'm Muslim."
The nun says, 
"That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

A lawyer and a blonde gal happen to be sitting next to each other on a 
long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and 
asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and 
just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to 
the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains how the game works... 
" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, 
and vice-versa."
Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The 
lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he 
will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. 
"Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, 
but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be 
no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question... 
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a 
five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer... 
"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop 
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone 
with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of 
Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and 
friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for 
the answer he finally gives up.
He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the 
$500 and tries to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who can't believe 
he's been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it 
out. He's more than a little frustrated! He wakes the blonde again and 
asks . . . 
"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back 
to sleep.

A man went for dinner at a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter 
carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It struck him as a little strange. 
Then he noticed that all the waiters had spoons in their pockets. When 
the waiter returned to take his order he asked,
"What's with the spoon?"
"Well." he explained, "the restaurant's owner hired a consulting firm 
to revamp our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded 
that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a 
drop rate of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel 
are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the 
kitchen save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, the man dropped his spoon during dinner and the 
waiter quickly replaced it with his spare.
"I'll get another spoon the next time I go into the kitchen instead of 
making an extra trip now."
The man was impressed. Then he noticed that there was a string hanging 
out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, he noticed that all the waiters 
had a string hanging from their flies. The man asked the waiter,
"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly," he said, lowering his voice, "Not everyone is as 
observant as you. The consulting firm also found that we can save time 
in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we 
can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our 
hands shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%"
"But after you get it out," the man asked, "how do you get it back in?"
"Well I don't know about the others... but I use the spoon."

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a 
couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman that looks like you, my wife appears 
out of nowhere"

Four old ladies have one of their regular gettogethers to socialize and
play cards. They gather round the table and start getting settled.
"Oy," says the first lady, as she eases herself into her chair.  
"Oy vey," says the second one, after due consideration. 
A few moments elapse, and then the third lady says, 
"Oy, vey ist mir." 
Finally, the fourth lady weighs in.  
"Okay, that's enough talk about the children. Let's play some cards."

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. 
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, 
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" 
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like 
you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." 
"Triple filter?" 
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, 
it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to 
say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you 
are about to tell me is true?" 
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..." 
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. 
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are 
about to tell me about my student something good?" 
"No, on the contrary ..." 
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but 
you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because 
here's one filter left, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell 
me about my student going to be useful to me?" 
"No, not really." 
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true 
nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" 
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. 
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife. 

A man walks into a dentist's office and says, 
"Excuse me. Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
The dentist says, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
The man replies, "Yes, I know."
"So why did you come into my office?" the dentist snaps.
"Well," the man says, "the light was on."

An orthopedic surgeon was moving to a new office, and our staff was
helping transport many of the items. The display skeleton lay in
the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of the passenger seat.
At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside ours
became obvious. I looked across and explained, 
"I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. 
"I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she 
is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has 
taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, 
are Republicans and support the president. Everyone in class raises
their hands except one little girl. 
"Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?" 
Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary.
"Well, what are you?" asks the teacher. 
"I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl. 
The teacher cannot believe her ears. 
"My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks. 
"Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too." 
"Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to 
be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your 
momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be 
then?" 
"Then," Mary smiled, "then we'd be Republicans."

A couple of years back, a guy who was sound asleep on a rainy wet night 
was aroused from his slumbers by a drunk pounding on his door at 3:00 AM. 
His wife tells him to go answer the door so he grudgingly gets up and 
goes to the door.
A neighbor, slurring his words and obviously drunk says, "I need a push!".
The guy says, "Dagnabit Georgie, it's 3:00 AM. No! I can't help you." He
slams the door and goes back to bed.
And his wife says, "What was that all about?"
The guy says, "It was the Wilson boy -- been a drinking again too -- big 
time. He wanted a push. I sent him packing. It's 3 o'clock in the morning. 
I'm not about to go out in the rain at this hour for that dang fool!"
The wife reminded him that they had been in a similar situation down in 
the creek at Red Rock and that at about the same hour in the morning, they
pounded on a door and got the help they needed. She shamed him and, 
feeling guilty, he got back up, put on his pants and raincoat and went 
outside. George was nowhere to be seen.
He hollered, "Do you still need help?" Hey Georgie, do you still need a push?" 
Off in the distance, he hears a slurred response, 
"Yeah! I still need a push." 
The guy says, "Well where in tarnation are you boy?" 
The drunk responds, "I'm over here on the swing!

A liberal came upon a genie and said, 
"You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" 
The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to 
share your good fortune." 
The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share." 
The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every 
conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?" 
"I would like a new sports car." 
"O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports 
cars. What's your second wish?" 
"I'd like a million dollars." 
"O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million 
dollars. What's your third and final wish?"
"Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

A wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw
two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he
got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man..
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my home," instructed the man.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and
said "You come with us, too".
"But, sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well," the wealthy man answered as he headed for his limo. 
They all climbed in, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as 
the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank
you for taking all of us with you."
The man replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place... the grass is almost a
foot tall!"

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the
house, slams the door, and shouts at the top of her lungs, 
"Honey, pack your bags, I just won the lottery!"

The husband says, 
"Oh my God! No Shit! Wow! Do you think I should pack beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"

The wife yells back, 
"It doesn't matter, just get the fuck out!"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't 
seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. 
The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. 
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" 
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's 
dead." 
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. 
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?" 

On his doctor's orders, old man Abramowitz moved to Arizona. Two weeks 
later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the 
undertaker prepared it for the services. The old man's brother came in 
to make sure everything was taken care of.
"Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.
"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here," said 
the brother.
The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of 
the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.
"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just
the thing for him."

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his 
limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He 
ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car 
as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, 
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, 
"No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

A woman is shopping at her local supermarket. She selects a pint of 
milk, 6 eggs,a carton of juice and a pack of bacon. As she unloads 
her items at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in 
line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with
assurance, 
"You must be single."
The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing 
unusual about her selection says, 
"That's right. How on earth did you know."
He replies 
"Because you're fucking ugly."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good 
meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to 
sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied,
"I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. 
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and 
potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that 
Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is 
approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God 
is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. 
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for
a living. 
"Tim, you be first," she said, "What does your father do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "He's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father's a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a 
brothel."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. 
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's 
father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said 
and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said,
"I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to 
a seven-year-old?"

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and back together again. 
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" 
The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." 
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in 
a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The 
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of 
lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch 
the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up 
again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said 
to his son, 
"Go get your mother." 

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money
from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to
see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just 
eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a 
veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns 
to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: 
"The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has 
serviced all my neighbor's cows.". 
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?".
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 
and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at 
a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales 
clerk, 
"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker 
the same question, to which the reply was,
"Oh you look about 29?"
"I am actually 47." That made her feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, 
"I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there 
was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt
I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the woman thought, 
"What the hell", 
and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a 
while, the old man said, 
"Ok, You are 47."
Stunned the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

At 3am the hotel desk clerk gets a call from a man asking what time
the bar opens.
"It opens at noon, sir" answers the clerk, then hangs up.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, and this time 
the man's speech is a little slurred. 
"What time does the bar open?" he asks, again.
"Well, sir, the same time as before -- noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and the phone rings again, and this time the man 
is clearly drunk. 
"Winjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk answers, 
"Sir, the bar opens at noon. You cannot get into the bar before that
time. I suggest you call room service if this is a problem."
"No... Well... I don wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a
downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan
of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. So
the man said,
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce." 
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's 
underground parking garage for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000. Two 
weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors and asked to 
settle up his loan and get his car back. 
"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan
officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
 "Wait, sir," the loan officer said. "While you were gone, I found
out that you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to 
borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled.
"Where else in Manhattan could I park my Rolls-Royce for  two weeks
and pay only $15.40?"

Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. 
During dinner God told them
"I need three important figures to send my message out to all people -
Tomorrow I will destroy the earth". 
Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them,
"I have two really bad news items for you: 
1. God really exists and
2. Tomorrow God will destroy the earth". 
Clinton called an Emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and 
told them, 
"I have good news and bad news: 
1. God really does exist; 
2. The bad  news is tomorrow God's destroying the earth".
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and happily announced "I have two 
fantastic announcements: 
1. I'm one of the three most important people on earth and 
2. The Year 2000 problem is solved".

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The 
townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow
from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. 
So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow: 
had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream.
Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow 
and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry 
about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and 
the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to 
mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to
mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on
all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the 
rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story. 
"Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in 
from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the
left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?" 
The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, 
"Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought 
the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

"Brace yourself, Mr. Cassidy," the physician told the patient on whom he
had performed a battery of costly tests. "You have approximately six 
months to live." 
"But I don't have insurance, doctor," said Cassidy, "and I can't skimp 
and save enough to pay you in that time!" 
All right, all right," soothed the medical man. "Let's say nine months, 
then." 

A duck walks into a bar and asks 
"got any crackers?"
bartender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, 
"got any crackers?"
bartender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks,
"got any crackers?"
Bartender says, 
"I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that 
one more time Ill nail your beak shut!"
Duck walks out. Duck comes back the next day and asks, 
"got any nails?" 
bartender says no. Duck says,
"good. Got any crackers?" 

3 guys went to an interview for a job at the CIA, the first one was 25
yrs. old, the second was 35 yrs. old, the third guy was 45 yrs. old 
and they all had to bring their wives. So the first one went in and the 
CIA agent said as a test of loyalty he had to go into the room his wife 
was in and shoot her with the CIA agents gun, so he takes the gun and 
goes and about a minute later he comes in and explains how much he loves
her so he leaves. The second one came in and was asked to do the same 
thing, so he takes the gun and about 15 minutes later comes in and 
explains how she is the mother of his children and he can't do it. Then
the last guy comes in and was asked to do the same thing, so he goes and 
a few seconds later the CIA agent hears a BANG!! and after that he hears 
windows breaking and a whole bunch of racquet. So he goes to the room and 
kicks the door down and there is the man standing there with his dead
wife at his feet and the CIA agent yells,
"What have you done?"
The man says, 
"SOME FREAK PUT BLANKS IN THE GUN SO I HAD TO CHOKE HER TO DEATH!!" 

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with
a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. 
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried 
hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words,
playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled 
at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder
and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in 
the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and 
screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. David was frightened that he 
might have actually hurt the bird and  quickly opened the freezer door. 
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: 
"I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for
your forgiveness. I will try to check my behavior..."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask
what changed him when the parrot continued, 
"May I ask what the chicken did?"

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. 
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he 
asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd
gotten a part. 
"I play a man who's been married for twenty years." 
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll 
be giving you a speaking part." 

A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get 
directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a 
wooden leg. 
"How did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer.
"Well", says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too
long ago we had a fire start in the barn. Well, sir, that pig set up a 
great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had 
herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of 
them." 
"And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman.
"Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Though a while later 
I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig 
was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. 
Saved me for sure." 
"So the bear injured his leg then." says the salesman.
"Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later 
my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, 
that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drown."
"So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman. 
"Oh no," says the farmer. 
"So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks. 
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all 
at once."

Two little brothers, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how
to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, 
"Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell'." 
All excited about their plan, they trooped downstairs, where their 
mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. 
"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." 
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the 
room, and turns to the younger brother. 
"What'll you have?" 
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't 
gonna be Cheerios." 

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked
him how he was feeling. 
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old 
bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" 
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, 
"Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never 
missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he 
accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." 
The doctor continued,
"So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of 
him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the 
handle." 
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. 
Dumbfounded, the old man replied 
"No." 
The doctor continued, 
"The bear dropped dead in front of him!" 
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot 
that bear." 
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor. 

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he 
could buy him a drink. 
"Why of course," comes the reply. 
The first man then asks:
"Where are you from?" 
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. 
The first man responds:
"You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to
Ireland." 
"Of course," replies the second man. 
Curious, the first man then asks: 
"Where in Ireland are you from?" 
"Dublin," comes the reply. 
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's
have another drink to Dublin." 
"Of course," replies the second man. 
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: 
"What school did you go to?" 
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." 
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and
I graduated in '62, too!" 
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. 
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. 
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk 
again."

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience 
would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do 
the same tricks over and over again.There was only one problem: The
captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how 
the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in
the middle of the show: 
"Look, it's not the same hat" 
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" 
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" 
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was,after all, the
captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The 
magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with 
the parrot, of course. They stared at each other, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and another and another.All of a sudden, the parrot
began to smile: 
"OK, I give up. Where's the boat?" 

She was a bussom young woman with a baby in her arms and when she walked 
into the clinic the doctor asked what the problem was.  
"It's the baby," she said, "he seems under-nourished." 
The doctor carried out an extensive examination of the baby but could find 
nothing wrong. 
"Is he bottle or breast fed ?" asked the doctor. 
"Breast fed ," she replied. 
"Then I better check you too. Strip off to the waist please." 
She looked rather embarrassed but did as she was told to reveal a perfect 
pair of norks. The doctor weighed each one lightly in his hand, then gave 
the nipples a squeeze and a tug. 
"That's the problem.", he said. "You are not giving any milk." 
"I'm not expected to," she said, "I'm the baby's aunt, but it's been very 
nice to meet you."

The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class: 
"Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual 
size when stimulated?  Mary, can you tell me?" 
Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said: 
"Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who 
will complain to the principal."  
The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as 
understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a 
volunteer. Lily put up her hand. 
"Yes, Lily?" 
"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."
"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher. He then turned to the 1st 
girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal:
“Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, you have NOT done your 
homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And thirdly, I fear, one day, you
are going to be sadly disappointed."

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two colas. They then pulled 
sandwiches out of their briefcases and started to eat. The owner looked up, 
annoyed, and marched over to them: 
"You guys can't take up my table space to eat your own sandwiches!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then 
exchanged sandwiches.

So the other day I'm walking down the Vegas strip, and a man comes up to me 
and says,
"Excuse me, but could I borrow a hundred dollars? My mother is in the hospital, 
and desperately sick, and she needs an operation right away or she's going to
die."
I say, 
"Man, what kind of a fool do you think I am? How do I know if I give you the 
money, that you won't just go into the casino and gamble it all away?"
He says, 
"Oh no, you don't understand. I've got gambling money..."

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching 
Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They 
argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the
counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, 
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please 
pronounce where we are ...very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing"

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest 
would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful Jewish knocked 
on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, 
and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," 
said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of 
the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk-you would have 
suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I 
know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil,
and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.; "That's a load off of my mind; Can I ask 
another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married son's house.  
She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law 
standing naked by the door.  
“What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked.
"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law 
replied.
“Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law replied.
"LOVE DRESS! You are naked." said the mother-in-law.
"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he 
makes me happy." said the daughter-in-law. " I would appreciate you leaving
now because my husband will be home any minute," the daughter-in-law continued.
Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home
she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, 
applied her best perfume and waited by the door for her husband to come home. 
Finally the pickup truck drove up the drive way and she took her place by the 
door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by 
the door.  
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" the mother-in-law replied.
"Maybe you should iron it." he replied.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches
his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, 
the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and 
asks, 
"Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They 
tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it 
is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion 
is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, 
asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height 
and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: 
"Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct,
but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says 
"You must work in Management.
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but 
you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we 
met, but now it's my fault."

This 65 year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and 
singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her for a 
while and then says, 
"You look ridiculous!  What on earth do you think you're doing?"
She says, 
"I just got my checkup and my doctor says that I have the breasts of an 18 
year-old." 
She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, 
"Yeah, right, and what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up, honey," she replied.