The Best Newspaper Headlines Of 1998


1.  Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2.  Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3.  Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4.  Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5.  Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6.  Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7.  Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8.  Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9.  British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

More newspaper headlines - from the department of the obvious:

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
	--Daily Sun-Post (San Clemente, CA) 1/17/77

Sneak Attack by Soviet Bloc Not Foreseen 
 	--The Atlanta Journal 4/4/79

War Dims Hopes for Peace 
 	--Wisconsin State Journal 12/27/65

Blue Skies Unless its Cloudy 
 	--San Francisco Chronicle 5/29/??

Bankrupt Association Termed in Poor Shape
 	--Lawrence (KA) Journal-World 7/12/77

Food is Basic to Student Diet
 	--Bridgeport (CN) Post 1/18/78

Plot to kill officer had vicious side
 	--The Chicago Tribune, September 20

Some phone psychics provide useless, erroneous information
	--Staten Island Sunday Advance, September 15

Iowa move back to Pittsburgh
 	--The Flint Journal, August 15

Infertility unlikely to be passed on
 	--Montgomery Advertiser, May 11

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
	--Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995

Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us
 	--Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
 
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
 	--The New York Times, November 22

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
 	--The Los Angeles Times, November 2

`Light' meals are lower in fat, calories
 	--Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30

Alcohol ads promote drinking
 	--The Hartford Courant, November 18

Malls try to attract shoppers
 	--The Baltimore Sun, October 22

Official: Only rain will cure drought
 	--The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
 	--The Sunday Oregonian, September 24

Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
 	--Newsday, July 11

Man shoots neighbor with machete
 	--The Miami Herald, July 3

Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes
 	--The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows
 	--The New York Times, March 10

Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
 	--The Los Angeles Times, March 2

Scientists see quakes in L.A. future
 	--The Oregonian, January 28

Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning
 	--The Buffalo News, February 26

Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold
 	--Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26

Economist uses theory to explain economy
 	--Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8

Bible church's focus is the Bible
  	--Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994

Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons
 	--Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6

Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity
 	--The Chicago Tribune, March 5

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
 	--Journal of Commerce, April 20

Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person
 	--The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2

Lack of brains hinders research
 	--The Columbus Dispatch, April 16

Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism
 	--The Los Angeles Times, June 23 (about Laura Chick)

How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart
 	--Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5

Fish lurk in streams
 	--Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29

Lack Of Water Hurts Ice Fishing

If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while

Child's death ruins couple's holiday

Man is fatally slain

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say

Plane too close to ground, crash probe told


Perhaps these could have been worded differently:

Yellow Snow Tested For Nutrition

Gas Smell Diverts Flight, But It Was Just Passengers Pants

Man Accused Of Excessively Passing Wind

Condom Firm Stretches Product Line

Toxic Waste Tour Planned

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one

Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

House passes gas tax onto senate

Two convicts evade noose, jury hung

William Kelly was fed secretary

Milk drinkers are turning to powder

Quarter of a million Chinese live on water

Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Dealers will hear car talk at noon

Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests

Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency

Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years

Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Children's Stool Great for Use in Garden

Stud Tires Out

Stiff Opposition to Casketless Funeral Plan

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Columnist Gets Urologist in Trouble with His Peers

New Housing For Elderly Not Yet Dead

New Missouri U. Chancellor Expects Little Sex

12 On Their Way to Cruise Among Dead in Plane Crash

N.J. Judge to Rule on Nude Beach

Chou Remains Cremated

Chinese Apeman Dated

Hershey Bars Protest

Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Deer Kill 130,000

Complaints About NBA Referees Growing Ugly

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Man Eating Piranha Mistakenly Sold As Pet Fish

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted

Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents

Farmer Bill dies in house

Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes appeal to Pope

Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over

Soviet virgin lands short of goal again

British left waffles on Falkland Islands

Eye drops off shelf

Teacher strikes idle kids

Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

Miners refuse to work after death

Stolen painting found by tree

Two soviet ships collide, one dies

2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter

Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years

Never withhold herpes infection from loved one

Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84

Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide

Two cars were reported stolen by the Groveton police yesterday.

We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy



Excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never 
go anywhere again.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and 
smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient 
beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross 
and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take 
home too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does 
the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically 
burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general 
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled 
inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.

White Flower Two Day Sale-(Friday ONLY)