25 Rules to Help Men Understand Women
 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If you've managed to lift it up, gravity
    is on your side when it comes to putting it back down.
 2. Sometimes, we are not thinking about having sex.
 3. "I ate it, didn't I?" is not considered praise.
 4. Your responsibility for raising children does NOT end at conception.
 5. Get rid of your comb-over. It's not different -- it's just as ridiculous
    as every other comb over. You're losing your hair -- face it.
 6. An order of takeout ribs and a Chris Farley movie is not everybody's 
    idea of a good time.
 7. "Yeah yeah, you look fine" is not a compliment.
 8. Yes, I DO tell my best friend everything.
 9. You have enough ballcaps.
10. You have too many t-shirts.
11. You're too old to wear a goatee.
12. Every actor we find attractive is not gay. You can stop using this one 
    - - we've all heard it.
13. A hug is not always a prelude to sex.
14. When we ask "are you listening," we already know you're not.
15. Your best friend is an idiot.
16. Nothing says "I love you" like offering to go to the grocery store.
17. If you can rebuild the carburetor on a '66 Mustang, working the washing
    machine should be a snap.
18. Yes and no are sometimes acceptable answers -- grunts and blank stares 
    are not.
19. A sore back that prevents you from doing household chores for 17 months 
    is a problem. See a doctor.
20. Underwear is like a car. After five years, it needs to be replaced with
    a newer model.
21. A romantic weekend getaway does not involve baiting a hook.
22. Slapping us on the butt and saying "how bout getting me a cold one" is 
    not foreplay.
23. The missionary position is best left to missionaries.
24. Rolling over and mumbling "I've got to get some sleep" does not produce 
    an afterglow.
25. If it was really good for me...you wouldn't have to ask.
 
Training Courses Now Available For Women
  1.  Silence, the Final Frontier:  Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
  2.  The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
  3.  Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
  4.  Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After Game.
  5.  Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
  6.  Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His.
  7.  Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
  8.  Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
  9.  Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging.
 10.  Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
 11.  Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
 12.  Introduction to Parking.
 13.  Advanced Parking: Reversing Into a Space.
 14.  Water retention: Fact or Fat.
 15.  Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
 16.  Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption.
 17.  Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
 18.  Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
 19.  PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His.
 20.  Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
 21.  Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
 22.  Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
 23.  Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
 24.  Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.

Training Courses Now Available For Men
 1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop.
 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge.
 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral.
 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead.
 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the 
    Difference!
 6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away.
 7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In 
    the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back.
 8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In.
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the 
    Electronics Came In.
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink.
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run
    Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the 
    Goodwill.
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts.
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash
    Themselves.
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" 
    Means.
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's.
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under
    the "Action/Adventure" Category.
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote.
22 "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh.
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet.
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed.
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty.
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them.
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime.
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't
    Mean You Can Fix It.

Rita Rudner's 50 Facts About Men
 1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 
 2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
    experienced pain and bought jewelry. 
 3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few 
    weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my
    husband's early films end with a scream and a flush. 
 4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually 
    cancels out the nice of "bald." 
 5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where
    there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. 
 6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he
    watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can
    help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from 
    our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the
    phone in case they call him. 
 7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during
    play-off season. 
 8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 
 9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being 
    the first is upsetting to their psyches. 
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. 
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever
    care about anyone else. 
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in
    private; in public they have to know. 
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. 
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, 
    instead of a gun. 
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have
    jobs and bathe. 
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a
    combination address book, telescope and piano. 
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These
    seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf. 
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the
    last log does not burn, he will take it personally. 
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get
    a bikini wax. 
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me
    for a list of names. 
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. 
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types:
    depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. 
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out
    in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable
    heaters that snore. 
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man
    walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of
    here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." 
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the
    first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more 
    types of lettuce, he is serious. 
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got
    older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a
    nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and
    butterflies. 
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter 
    and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. 
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying
    he wished he could be Cary Grant. 
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. 
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men. 
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. 
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE
    WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. 
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and
    creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? 
    How's my car?" 
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he
    didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call
    you. 
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we
    going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other." 
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out
    of sight of women. 
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get
    out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge.
    If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want
    to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid 
    marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you 
    look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great."
    Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting." 
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network. 
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit. 
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a
    woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit. 
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because 
    their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually 
    button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we 
    also need men to help us get dressed. 
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros.
45. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. 
46. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she
    will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his
    closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk. 
47. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female
    menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get
    to date young girls and drive motorcycles. 
48. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need 
    instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. 
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. 
50. All men would still really like to own a train set. 

The Sex Of The Computer
 A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike 
 their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

 "House," in French, is feminine-"la maison."
 "Pencil," in French, is masculine-"le crayon."

 One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"

 The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun 
 she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough, by gender and asked them 
 to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

 Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

 The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender 
 ("la computer"), because:
 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible 
    to everyone else
 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval
 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay 
    check on accessories for it.

 The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), 
 because:
 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
 2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless
 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you 
    could have gotten a better model.

 The women won.