Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. ----------------------------------
Back in the old days, when Great-Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. ----------------------------------
According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army! ----------------------------------
What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"? George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment. ----------------------------------
As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking? Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget! ----------------------------------
During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. ----------------------------------
When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do? Paul Lynde: Make him bark. ----------------------------------
Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds? Charley Weaver: A divorcee. ----------------------------------
Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. ----------------------------------
True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes. ----------------------------------
If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. ----------------------------------
Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? Marty Allen: Only after lights out. ----------------------------------
Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year? Charley Weaver:Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries! ----------------------------------
According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why? Paul Lynde: He's out of town. ----------------------------------
What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't? Paul Lynde: They give milk...and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies. ----------------------------------
Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? ----------------------------------
When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him. ----------------------------------
Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? Charley Weaver: His feet. ----------------------------------
Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What? Paul Lynde: An engagement ring. ----------------------------------
True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them. Charley Weaver: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests. ----------------------------------
You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why? Paul Lynde: It was a long plane ride. ----------------------------------
If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. ----------------------------------
Do female frogs croak? Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water. ----------------------------------
You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. ----------------------------------
True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas. Paul Lynde: Yes. We call them winos. ----------------------------------
According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy? Paul Lynde: Where can I get some? ----------------------------------
Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit? Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn. ----------------------------------
In what state was Abraham Lincoln born? Paul Lynde: Naked and screaming like the rest of us. ----------------------------------
It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it? Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected! ----------------------------------
Paul, can you get an elephant drunk? Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment. ----------------------------------
In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"? Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. ----------------------------------
Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us? Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt. ----------------------------------
What is it that one should NEVER do during sex? Paul Lynde: Point and laugh! ----------------------------------
Do we get heat from stars? Paul Lynde: You will if I have to share my dressing room again.Cars vs. Computers
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates once again compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued the following press release: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats. 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads. 7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say "OK?" before going off. 10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to remove this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. 12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. You'd press the "start" button to shut the car down.Jewish Haiku
Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?
Like a bonsai tree,
your terrible posture
at my dinner table.
Jews on safari --
map, compass, elephant gun,
hard sucking candies.
The sparrow brings home
too many worms for her young.
"Force yourself," she chirps.
"Can't you just leave it?"
the new Jewish mother asks -
umbilical cord.
Sorry I'm not home
to take your call. At the tone
please state your bad news
Looking for pink buds
to prune, the old moyel wanders
among his flowers.
Coroner's report --
"The deceased, wearing no hat,
caught his death of cold."
Five thousand years a
wandering people--then we
found the cabanas.
In the ice sculpture
reflected bar-mitzvah guests
nosh on chopped liver.
Beyond Valium,
the peace of knowing one's child
is an internist.
The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing--
got it at Loehmann's.
In a stage whisper
a yenta confides the name
of her friend's disease.
Jewish triathlon--
gin rummy, then contract bridge,
followed by a nap.
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Scrabble anarchy
after 'putzhead' is placed on
a triple-word score.
The sparkling blue sea
beckons me to wait one hour
after my sandwich.
Hava nagila,
hava nagila, hava--
enough already.
Would-be convert lost--
thawed Lender's Bagels made a
bad first impression.
Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast--feh
Left the door open.
for the Prophet Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.
The shivah visit-
So sorry for your loss. Now
back to my problems.
Now that Koreans
are "the New Jews," the old Jews
can leave for Boca.
Yom Kippur-forgive
me, God, for the Mercedes
and all the lobsters.
My nature journal --
today, I saw some trees and birds.
I should know the names?
Hard to tell under
the lights--white Yarmulke or
male-pattern baldness?
Lonely mantra of
the Buddhist monk--"They never
call, they never write."
No fins, no flippers
the gefilte fish swims with
some difficulty.
Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Tochis.
Oy! To be fluent!
Hey! Get back indoors!
Whatever you were doing
could put an eye out.
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Tea ceremony--
fragrant steam perfumes the air.
Try the cheese Danish.
Firefly steals into
the night just like my former
partner, that gonif.
Look, Beryl! I've found
the most splendid tchochke for
our Chanukah bush.
Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she beams - nice, but
her son is forty.
Lovely nose ring -
excuse me while I put my
head in the oven.
After the warm rain,
the sweet scent of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?
Wet moss on the old
stone path - flat on my back, I
ponder whom to sue.
The long pilgrimage
to the venerable shrine -
Leonard's of Great Neck.
Quietly murmured
at Saturday services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.
Today I am a
man. On Monday I return
to the seventh grade.
Denmark's Jewish prince
"To be or not to be-Oy!
Have I got tsuris."
Such a mensch you are
sending all this poetry
Haiku? Gesundheit!
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Next Time You Feel Like a Coke Remember: |
Next Time You Feel Like Water Remember: |
The paomnnehil pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
A quick test of intelligence. Don't cheat, because if you did, the test would be no fun. There are no tricks to this test. Read this sentence: FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS. Now count aloud the F's in that sentence.Important, count them ONLY ONCE: do not go back and count them again. See below... ANSWER: There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four,you're above average. If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"'s. The human brain tends to see them as V's and not F's.Bread is Dangerous
Important warning for those who have been drawn unsuspectingly into the use of bread: 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month! 6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis. 7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days. 8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. 9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. 10. Newborn babies can choke on bread. 11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions: 1. No sale of bread to minors. 2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers. 3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread. 4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage. 5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.Things the Movies Taught Us
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any part of the building without difficulty. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris. People on TV never finish their drinks. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. The chief of police always shouts. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 6 inches. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the refrigerator door and use that light instead. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man (or woman) invulnerable to bullets. A single lit match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology. All single women have a cat. Any computer expert can type 200 words a minute... flawlessly. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. No matter how large the city a parking spot is always available right in front of the heros' destination. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. If one person accidently falls into a fountain or a pool others must follow. Male human beings almost never undress to have sex, or if they finally do it, they are samples of the species with no visible genitals.