If your building collapses,
give yourself a blowjob while waiting to be rescued.
If you spot a terrorist arrow,
pin it against the wall with your shoulder.
In case of nuclear radiation, stand directly behind your door.
But do not open the door, even if the radiation knocks.
Watch TV, surf the net and listen to music 'round the clock.
If you are sprayed with an unknown substance,
stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor
On second thought, go grab a pint at the pub.
Your telephone may be a practicing physician.
Stand in radiation for exactly 5 minutes and 12 seconds
a day for a healthy, glowing complexion.
Radiation lives in fallout shelters.
On your knees before God smites you!
Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
Don't go in the first aid tent if you're hurt.
We want to keep it nice and white.
Michael Jackson is a terrorist.
If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes,
run the fuck away.
In case of flames bursting out around door,
do NOT leave it shut. Always open flaming doors.
Don't get trapped under stuff.
If your dumb ass does get trapped under stuff,
amuse yourself in your final moments with shadow puppets.
In the event of emergency, find a 3-story, 10-foot-high building.
The midgets inside will be sure to help you. Remember,
just follow the enormous red arrow protruding from your crotch.
In this time of war, real Americans eat red meat only!
Fish and poultry may be terrorists.
Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard
symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.
Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy.
Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.
The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap,
water and at least one armless hand.
If a door is closed, karate chop it open.
Pose for a picture with your faceless family!
Try to absorb as much of the radiation as
possible with your groin region.
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that
you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
If you're fucking a radiation mutant with a deformed hand,
remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.
Remain calm: Even in the event of a new wave of
terror attacks Swatchwill continue to provide the American
people with a wide selection of quality suitcases and travel bags.
If you actually need to be told that birds dropping out of the sky
and fish going belly-up in the streams is a bad sign,
then please remain right where you are.
We don't need you taking up precious space in the shelters
that could be occupied by people with functioning brains.
Unfortunately, a flashlight makes a very poor lightsaber.
Swinging it around and making "whoosing" sounds won't help.
Should your pupils disappear,
becoming a bank robber is your only alternative
In the event of a nuclear explosion,
drive around it.
In case of biological attack, amble away slowly.
If a terrorist comes to your window,
tell him to talk to the hand cuz the face ain't listenin'.