Wisdom of the Ages

"Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity...and I'm not
even sure of the universe." --Albert Einstein

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; 
and the pessimist fears this is true." --Irving Caesar

"It's paradoxial that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, 
but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone." --Andy Rooney 

"A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy 
enough people to make it worth the effort." --Herm Albright

"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a 
kind word alone." --Al Capone

"If man evolved from the ape, how come there are still apes around? 
Some of them were given choices." --Johnny Hart's comic strip "B.C."

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and
then don't say it." --Sam Levenson

"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognise a mistake
when you make it again." --F.P.Jones 

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from
the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent
disinclination to do so." --Douglas Adams

"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and
remove all doubt." --Abraham Lincoln 

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe
is that it has never tried to contact us." --Calvin & Hobbes 

"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he
will pick himself up and continue on." --Winston Churchill

"On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good and not
quite all the time." --George Orwell

"We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience." 
--George Bernard Shaw

"Pessimist, n. One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses 
both." --Oscar Wilde

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the 
intelligent are full of doubt." --Bertrand Russell

"I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand." --Charles Schultz

"A pessimist thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for
it." --George Bernard Shaw

“It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.“ 
--Alfred Adler

"We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us 
love one another." --Jonathan Swift

"The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the
first one was useless." --Nicholas Chamfort

"Everyday people are straying away from the church and going back to God."
--Lenny Bruce 

"The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never 
worshipped anything but himself." --Sir Richard F. Burton 

"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; 
probably because they are generally the same people." --G.K. Chesterton 

“We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, 
powerful muscles, but no personality.” --Albert Einstein

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the 
garage makes you a car.” --Lawrence J. Peter

“That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.” 
--Charles Chinocholles

“Religion is the fashionable substitute for belief.” --Oscar Wilde

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom & Gomorrah an 
apology." --Jay Leno

"Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then get 
elected and prove it." --P.J. O'Rourke

"Ninety percent of politics is deciding who to blame." --Meg Greenfield

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts." 
--Will Rogers 
 
"The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep." 
--Clinton aide George Stephanopolous
 
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
--David Dinkins, New York City Mayor 
 
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in 
the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. 
 
"I have orders to be awakened at any time in the case of a national emergency, 
even if I'm in a cabinet meeting." --Ronald Reagan

"I'm glad I'm not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin. You never
know if someone's tape recording what you say." --Richard Nixon 
 
"I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon."
--Ronald Reagan  
 
"When the President does it, that means that it's not illegal." --Richard Nixon 
 
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." 
--Dwight D. Eisenhower  
 
"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
taken seriously." --Hubert Humphrey 

"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the 
support of Paul." --G.B. Shaw

"It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people
might remember." --Eugene McCarthy

"When large numbers of men are unable to find work, unemployment results." 
--Calvin Coolidge

"I can't believe that we are going to let a majority of the people
decide what's best for this state." --Rep. John Travis of Jackson

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them 
unsafe." --Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

"Capital punishment is our societies recognition of the sanctity of
human life." --Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah. 

"I think that the undecideds could go one way or the other." --George
Bush, 1988 

"The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap
will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is
Jewish." --Jules Farber

"A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes
to it." --Oscar Levant

"Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they
deserve everything they've stolen." --Mort Sahl

"Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
we deserve." --George Bernard Shaw 

"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it."
--Ashleigh Brilliant 

"Giving money and power to Government is like giving whiskey and car
keys to teenage boys." --P.J. O'Rourke 

"Crime does not pay... as well as politics." --Alfred E. Newman 

"All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others."
--George Orwell, Animal Farm 

"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher
incomes than others." --Gerry Brown 

"I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree
with them." --George Bush

"I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."
--Richard Nixon

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from
the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, 
from his Iran-Contra testimony 

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute
poverty equally." --Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister 

"I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of
continents." --George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign 

"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress
... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

"Being in politics is like being a football coach; you have to be smart
enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important"
--Eugene McCarthy

"When you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign
that he expects to be paid for it." --H.L.Mencken

"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it." --Clarence Darrow 

"A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment."
--Willis Player

"Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches."
--Will Rogers

"I never vote for any one. I always vote against." --W.C.Fields

"Honest businessmen should be protected from the unscrupulous consumer."
--Lester Maddox, then governer of Georgia,, on why his state should not
create a consumer protection agency. 

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C. 

"Casual drug users should be taken out and shot." --Daryl Gates

"I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue."
--Richard Nixon, discussing Watergate in 1978 

"I didn't inhale." --Presidential candidate Bill Clinton 

"It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco
industry than your life." --Jackie Mason 

"If we let people see that kind of thing, there would never again be any
war." --Senior Pentagon official, explaining why the U.S. military
censored footage showing Iraqi soldiers sliced in two by U.S. helicopter
fire. 

"Facts are stupid things." --Ronald Reagan

"A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment."
--Willis Player

"A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel."
--Robert Frost

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public
mind." --General William Westmoreland on why the media should be
controlled in wartime. 

Men & Women & Kids

"When I was fourteen years old, I was amazed at how unintelligent my father 
was. By the time I turned twenty-one, I was astounded how much he had 
learned in the last seven years. --Mark Twain

"I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go 
swimming." --Jimmy Carter 

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them 
to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut 
up." --Phyllis Diller 

"Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more
certain they are their own." --Aristotle 

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a
smart woman with a dumb guy." --Erica Jong

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --Maryon Pearson

"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."
--Red Buttons

"Do you know why God witheld the sense of humour from women? That we may
love you instead of laughing at you." --Mrs Patrick Campbell British
actress Said to a man (1940) "The Life of Mrs Pat" M.Peters 
  
"I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't
know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want
it." --Bill Cosby

"As parents, my wife and I have one thing in common. We're both afraid
of children." --Bill Cosby

"Before I was married I had three theories about raising children. Now I
have three children and no theories." --John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester
(1647-1680)

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When
they're finished, I climb out." --Erma Bombeck

"My children love me. I'm like the mother they never had."  
--Roseanne Barr

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope
not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' 
--Larry Miller

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to
teach you how to swim.' --Paula Poundstone

"Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence." --H. L. Mencken

"Familiarity breeds contempt - and children." --Mark Twain

"Infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart
as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen,
and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you realize that he's as
sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader,
as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford - but
you'll take him anyway."  --Judith Viorst

"Love is the delusion that one [man or] woman differs from another."
--Henry Louis Mencken

"Children aren't happy without something to ignore,And that's what
parents were created for." --Ogden Nash

"Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men." --Kin Hubbard

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things that money can buy." --Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." 
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen

"God gave us all a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one
at a time." --Robin Williams

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We
can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. --Rita Rudner

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
 --Lynn Lavner

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole 
relationships." --Sharon Stone

"Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your
brain." --Martin Mull

"The young always have the same problem -- how to rebel and conform
at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their
parents and copying one another." --Quentin Crisp

"I think, therefore I'm single."  --Lizz Winstead

"Marriage, n:  The state or condition of a community consisting of a
master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two." --Ambrose
Bierce

"Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the
whole girl." --Stephen Leacock

"Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It's not fair that some men should
be happier than others." --Oscar Wilde 

"A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been
extracted." --Helen Rowland 

"A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished."
--Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and by then it
was too late." --Max Kauffman

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar
Wilde 

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink." --Lady Astor
to Winston Churchill
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it." --His reply 

"Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps
they should  live next door, and just visit now and then." --Katharine
Hepburn

"There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
what it is I'll get married again." --Clint Eastwood

"Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an 
institution?" --Groucho Marx

"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does." --Groucho Marx

"I was married by a judge. should have asked for a jury." --Groucho Marx

"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce." --Groucho Marx

"My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine." --Fibber McGee 

"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage." --Ambrose Bierce. 

"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge 
signed the divorce papers." --Woody Allen 

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; 
if not, you'll become a philosopher." --Socrates. 

"It destroys ones nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being." 
--Benjamin Disraeli 

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart

"Men marry to make an end; women to make a beginning." --Alexis Dupuy 

"A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the
other may be right, though neither believes it." --Don Fraser

"I love being married. It's so great to find the one special person you want
to annoy for the rest of your life." --Rita Rudner

"Things should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler."
 --Albert Einstein

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, 
I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with 
all those flies and death and stuff." --Maria Carey

"Sure, there have been deaths and injuries in boxing, but none of them 
serious." --Alan Winter

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life." --Brooke Shields, on why she wanted to become spokesperson 
for a federal antismoking campaign. 

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of 
something else anyway." --Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review 
board, on Chlordane. 

"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the 
truth even if it costs them their jobs." --Sam Goldwyn

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four 
people make up 75 percent of the population." --David Letterman

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it." 
--Franklin P. Jones
 
"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right." --Ashleigh
Brilliant 

"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with." --W. C. Fields 

"The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never
worshipped anything but himself." --Sir Richard F. Burton

"Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality
that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have 
told it to the same person?" --La Rochefoucauld

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed." 
--Jonathan Swift 

"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each
other." --Eric Hoffer

"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or
lose." --Darrin Weinberg

"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand." --Duffy
Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst 

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee
Iacocca 

"Please provide the date of your death." --from an IRS letter 

"We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing
to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover." --Parish
Magazine 

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like 
Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports
analyst 

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything." --Ivana Trump, 
upon finishing her first novel 

"It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech."
--Mark Twain

"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what 
you don't like and do what you'd druther not." --Mark Twain

"We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is 
in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot 
stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again ---and that is
well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore." --Mark Twain

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least 
expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PPSS  magazine, the Army's magazine of
preventive maintenance

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." --Anon 

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel 
Enderbery 

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received 
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is
a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services,
Greenville, South Carolina 

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go
to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next 
morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, 
FCC Chairman 

"The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be." 
--Paul Valery

"The world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed." --Sean 
O'Casey

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls 
and looks like work." --Thomas Edison 

"'Trying' is the first step toward failure." --Homer Simpson 

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." --Jason Kidd, upon his
drafting to the Dallas Mavericks 

"Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it." 
--Sam Levenson 

"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please."
--Mark Twain 

"Happiness isn't something you experience, it's something you remember." 
--Oscar Levant 

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Danny Ozark, as manager of the 
Philadelphia Phillies 

"I don't like to advocate drugs, alcohol, narcotics or insanity to anyone. .
. but they've always worked for me." --Hunter S. Thomson 

"The best cure for insomnia is plenty of sleep." --W. C. Fields 

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why 
several of us died of tuberculosis." --Jack Handey

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are 
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe 
swelling. So what's the problem?" --Jay Leno

"Have you ever noticed....Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and 
anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" --George Carlin

"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain." --Carol Leifer

"The 2nd day of a diet is always easier than the 1st. By the 2nd day you're 
off it." --Jackie Gleason

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've 
forgotten this before." --Stephen Wright 

"I'm trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." --Dave Edison

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." 
--Lily Tomlin

"Don't be humble; you are not that great." --Golda Meir

"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen 
days I had lost exactly two weeks." --Joe E. Lewis

"Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money." --Arthur Miller

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
--Jackie Mason

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve 
immortality through not dying." --Woody Allen

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, 
I definitely overpaid for my carpet." --Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"

"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently 
there must be a beverage." --Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"

"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it 
happens." --Woody Allen 

"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get 
much sleep." --Woody Allen

"Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
forced to live on nothing but food and water for days." --W. C. Fields, 
"My Little Chickadee"

"Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone." --Dorothy
Parker

"For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,and 
wrong." --H. L. Mencken 

"All generalizations are bad." --R.H. Grenier

"How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
on." --Zall's Second Law

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose." 
--Woody Allen

"In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular." --Kathy Norris

"It is easier to get forgiveness than permission." --Stewart's Law of 
Retroaction

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." --Groucho Marx

"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once." 
--Woody Allen

"You can't have everything...where would you put it?" --Steven Wright

"Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when 
you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you." --Fran Lebowitz

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle." --Bob Hope

"The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll
grow out of it." --Doris Day

"Die, v.:  To stop sinning suddenly." --Elbert Hubbard

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good." --Stephen Wright

"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care 
of myself." --Mickey Mantle

What do you think your Mom and Dad have in common?
"Both don't want no more kids." --Lori, age 8

How do you decide whom to marry?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like 
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming." --Allan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're 
stuck with." --Kirsten, age 10

What is the best age to get married?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by 
then!" --Cam, age 10

"No age is good to get married at ....You got to be a fool to get married!" 
--Freddie, age 6

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." --Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids." --Derrick, age 8

What do most people do on a date?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know 
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." 
--Lynnette, age 8

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the 
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
--Craig, age 9

When is it okay to kiss someone?
"When they're rich!" --Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with 
that." --Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them ....It's the right thing to do." --Howard, age 8

Is it better to be single or married?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing ...I'm never
going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out!" 
--Theodore, age 8

"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to 
change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something 
out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and
diaper-changing." --Kirsten, age 10

What promises do a man and a woman make when they get married?
"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases 
together." --Marlon, age 10

How do you make a marriage work?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" 
--Ricky, age 7

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes 
....Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." 
--Lori, age 8

"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find 
a live one." --Angie L., age 9

How would the world be different if people didn't get married?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain. --Kelvin, age 8

What does love mean? (asked to a group of  4 - 8  year-olds)
Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in 
the way."

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint 
her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, 
even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You 
know that your name is safe in their mouth."

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne 
and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French 
fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you.  And you get so mad but you don't yell 
at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip 
before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of 
kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and
daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening 
presents and listen."

"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared
they won't love you  anymore. But then you get surprised because not
only do they still love you, they love you even  more."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still 
friends even after they know each other so well."

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all 
the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the 
only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing 
me to sleep at night."

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is 
handsomer than Robert Redford."

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone 
all day."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes 
and has to go out and buy new ones."

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on 
me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."

"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to 
say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars 
come out of you."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's
gross."

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you 
mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

"He had delusions of adequacy." 
--Walter Kerr 

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
--Winston Churchill  

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
--Winston Churchill  

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
--Clarence Darrow 

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
--William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) 

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
--Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
--Moses Hades 

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know"
--Abraham Lincoln
 
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it...”
--Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends...”
--Oscar Wilde

"I am  enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... 
If you have one."
--George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill 
 
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
--Winston Churchill, in response.
 
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
--Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
--John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
--Irvin S.  Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
--Samuel Johnson
 
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
--Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
--Jack E. Leonard
 
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
--Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
--Thomas Brackett Reed
 
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
--Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
--Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
--Mark Twain
 
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
--Mae West 
 
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
--Oscar Wilde
 
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than 
illumination."
--Andrew Lang 

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
--Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
--Groucho Marx