English Grammar Rules
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.) 6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. 7. Be more or less specific. 8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10. No sentence fragments. 11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used. 12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14. One should NEVER generalize. 15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 16. Don't use no double negatives. 17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 18. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 20. The passive voice is to be ignored. 21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 22. Never use a big word when substituting a diminutive one would suffice. 23. Kill all exclamation points!!! 24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas. 26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. 27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly. 29. Puns are for children, not groan readers. 30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 32. Who needs rhetorical questions? 33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. The Wacky World Of Advertising
* Lost: small apricot poodle. reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. * A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine foods expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. * Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 * For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. * For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. * Now is the perfect time to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too! * Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory * Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. * We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. * No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent * Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche. * 7 ounces of choice sirloin, steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings. * Great Dames for sale. * Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. * Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. * 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawney Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having been lost sight of, and bottled by us last year. * Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. * Vacation Special: Have your house exterminated. * If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fountain and Chopin. * Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. * The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds and other athletic facilities. * Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. * Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. * Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so servicable that lots of women wear nothing else. * Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it. * We build bodies that last a lifetime. * This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes & Gardens. * For Sale - Diamonds $20,00; microsopes $15.00. * For Rent: 6 room hated apartment. * Man, honest. Will take anything. * Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200.00 a month. References required. * Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop. * Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. * Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! * Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. * Modular Sofas. Only $299.00. For rest or fore play. * Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. * Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. * 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. * Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and snacks included. * Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. * Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. * See ladies blouses. 50% off! * Holcross pulletts. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204 * Wanted. Preparer of food. Must be dependable like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty. * Illiterate? Write today for free help. * Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. * Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. * Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating * Mother's helper - peasant working conditions. * Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale. * And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. * We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00 * Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure. * Be with us again next Saturday at 10:00 P. M. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction. * When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after. * Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs with the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
1. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping) 2. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) 3. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 4. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (No source given) 5. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) 6. "My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers) 7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, Florists) 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) 11. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.) 12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation) This is the winning quote: 13. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond,WA.) Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a flushable toilet brush: Do not use for personal hygiene. On a baby stroller: Remove child before folding. On a brass fishing lure with a three-pronged hook: Harmful if swallowed. On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. Some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness. On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. On Sainsbury's Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. On a White - Westinghouse 1600 Blow Dryer: Keep away from water. On a package of Nabisco Easy Cheese: For best results, remove cap. On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness. On Komatsu Floodlight: This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark. On Energizer AAA 4 Pack: If swallowed, promptly see doctor. The following are from actual medical transcripts dictated by doctors:
On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it had completely disappeared. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in . She was divorced last April. No other serious illness. I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious. Patient was released to the outpatient department without dressing. Dr. Blank is watching his prostate. The patient was advised not to go around exposing himself to other people. Patient developed a puffy right eye, which was felt to be caused by an insect bite by an opthamologist. The patient refused autopsy. The patient has no history of suicides. Apparently the mother resented the fact that she was born in her forties. He had a left toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left leg amputation a year ago. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared completely. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. (Patient left hospital without authorization) The patient refused an autopsy. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. (One physician referring a fertility patient to another doctor). She is numb from her toes down. Rectal exam revealed a normal-size thyroid. She stated that she had been constipated for life, until she got a divorce. The lab test revealed abnormal lover function. (Try "liver" function!) The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. Skin: Somewhat pale but present. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. These sentences were taken from actual letters received by the Welfare department on applications for support.
1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven, but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. 2. I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? 3. Mrs. Jones has not had any cloths for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy. 4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why? 5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. 6. This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it? 7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows. 8. I am very much annoyed that you have branded my son as illiterate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before I had him. 9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory. 10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see. 11. My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since. 12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead a immortal life. 13. You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference? 14. I have no children as yet, and my husband is a truck driver and works days and nights. 15. In accordance to your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envolope. 16. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been ill in bed with the doctor for two weeks, but he doesn't seem to do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor. These are taken from real resumes and cover letters -they were printed in the July 21st 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine.
1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience." 2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms." 3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." 4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." 5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave." 6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades." 7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people." 8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience." 9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time." 10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." 11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." 12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved.No commitments." 13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." 14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail." 15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing." 16. "My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." 17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant." 18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far." 19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments." 20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." 21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. have never quit a job." 22. "Marital status: often. Children: various." 23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions." 24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers." 25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten." 26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me." These Quotes Were Taken From Actual Performance Evaluations.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 3. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be." 5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there." 7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 11. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better." These Are Actual Lines From Military Performance Appraisals Or OERs (Officer Efficiency Reports).
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. 3. A room temperature IQ. 4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 7. A prime candidate for natural deselection. Bright as Alaska in December. 8. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. 9. Donated his body to science before he was done using it. 10. Fell out of the family tree. 11. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 12. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 13. He's so dense, light bends around him. 14. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. 15. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 16. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. 17. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 18. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 19. One neuron short of a synapse. 20. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. 21. Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes. 22. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. These Actually Appeared in Various Church Bulletins
1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 2. Tuesday at 4:00 pm, there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, come early. 3. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mr. Johnson will sing, Put me in my little bed, accompanied by the pastor. 4. Thursday at 5:00 pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers, please meet with the pastor in his study. 5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 6. The service will close with, Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start and the rest of the congregation will join in. 7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper. 8. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the Church basement on Friday afternoon. 9. A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the Church basement. Music will follow. 10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan B., the sin of Rev. & Mrs. Julius B. 11. Tonight's sermon What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice. 12. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 13. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and community. 14. Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 15. Don't let worry kill you off! Let the Church help. 16. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. 17. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." 18. The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning. 19. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. 20. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice. Since 1982 the English Department at San Jose University awards annually the Edward Bulwer-Lytton Prize, which is for the worst opening sentence for a novel. Here are some of the previous Grand Prize Winners: The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted sulkily and, buffing her already impeccable nails--not for the first time since the journey began--pondered snidely if this would dissolve into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent with Basil. --Gail Cain, San Francisco, California (1983 Winner) The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarous tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong, clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, "Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my steel through your last meal." --Steven Garman, Pensacola, Florida (1984 Winner) The countdown had stalled at T minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably--the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my career. --Martha Simpson, Glastonbury, Connecticut (1985 Winner) The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant for those who hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know. --Patricia E. Presutti, Lewiston, New York (1986 Winner) The notes blatted skyward as the sun rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically peddling unseen bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by Nature's maxim, "Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work," and at last I knew Pittsburgh. --Sheila B. Richter, Minneapolis, Minnesota (1987 Winner) Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit molding her body, which was as warm as the seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; she was a woman driven --fueled by a single accelerant--and she neeeded a man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the right road, a man like Alf Romeo. --Rachel E. Sheeley, Williamsburg, Indiana (1988 Winner) Professor Frobisher couldn't believe he had missed seeing it for so long--it was, after all, right there under his nose--but in all his years of research into the intricate and mysterious ways of the universe, he had never noticed that the freckles on his upper lip, just below and to the left of the nostril, partially hidden until now by a hairy mole he had just removed a week before, exactly matched the pattern of the stars in the Pleides, down to the angry red zit that had just popped up where he and his colleagues had only today discovered an exploding nova. --Ray C. Gainey, Indianapolis, Indiana (1989 Winner) Dolores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping across smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, due to an overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred-pound barbell in a steroid-free fitness center. --Linda Vernon, Newark, California (1990 Winner) Sultry it was and humid, but no whisper of air caused the plump, laden spears of golden grain to nod their burdened heads as they unheedingly awaited the cyclic rape of their gleaming treasure, while overhead the burning orb of luminescence ascended its ever-upward path toward a sweltering celestial apex, for although it is not in Kansas that our story takes place, it looks godawful like it. --Judy Frazier, Lathrop, Missouri (1991 Winner) As the newest Lady Turnpot descended into the kitchen wrapped only in her celery-green dressing gown, her creamy bosom rising and falling like a temperamental souffle, her tart mouth pursed in distaste, the sous-chef whispered to the scullery boy, "I don't know what to make of her." --Laurel Fortuner, Montendre, France (1992 Winner) She wasn't really my type, a hard-looking but untalented reporter from the local cat box liner, but the first second that the third-rate representative of the fourth estate cracked open a new fifth of old Scotch, my sixth sense said seventh heaven was as close as an eighth note from Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, so, nervous as a tenth grader drowning in eleventh-hour cramming for a physics exam, I swept her into my longing arms, and, humming "The Twelfth of Never," I got lucky on Friday the thirteenth. --Wm. W. "Buddy" Ocheltree, Port Townsend, Washington (1993 Winner) As the fading light of a dying day filtered through the window blinds, Roger stood over his victim with a smoking .45, surprised at the serenity that filled him after pumping six slugs into the bloodless tyrant that mocked him day after day, and then he shuffled out of the office with one last look back at the shattered computer terminal lying there like a silicon armadillo left to rot on the information superhighway. --Larry Brill, Austin, Texas (1994 Winner) Paul Revere had just discovered that someone in Boston was a spy for the British, and when he saw the young woman believed to be the spy's girlfriend in an Italian restaurant he said to the waiter, "Hold the spumoni--I'm going to follow the chick an' catch a Tory." --John L. Ashman, Houston, Texas (1995 Winner) "Ace, watch your head!" hissed Wanda urgently, yet somehow provocatively, through red, full, sensuous lips, but he couldn't you know, since nobody can actually watch more than part of his nose or a little cheek or lips if he really tries, but he appreciated her warning. --Janice Estey, Aspen, Colorado (1996 Winner) The moment he laid eyes on the lifeless body of the nude socialite sprawled across the bathroom floor, Detective Leary knew she had committed suicide by grasping the cap on the tamper-proof bottle, pushing down and twisting while she kept her thumb firmly pressed against the spot the arrow pointed to, until she hit the exact spot where the tab clicks into place, allowing her to remove the cap and swallow the entire contents of the bottle, thus ending her life. -- Artie Kalemeris, Fairfax, Virginia (1997 Winner) The corpse exuded the irresistible aroma of a piquant, ancho chili glaze enticingly enhanced with a hint of fresh cilantro as it lay before him, coyly garnished by a garland of variegated radicchio and caramelized onions, and impishly drizzled with glistening rivulets of vintage balsamic vinegar and roasted garlic oil; yes, as he surveyed the body of the slain food critic slumped on the floor of the cozy, but nearly empty, bistro, a quick inventory of his senses told corpulent Inspector Moreau that this was, in all likelihood, an inside job. --Bob Perry, Milton, Massachusetts (1998 Winner) Through the gathering gloom of a late-October afternoon, along the greasy, cracked paving-stones slick from the sputum of the sky, Stanley Ruddlethorp wearily trudged up the hill from the cemetery where his wife, sister, brother, and three children were all buried, and forced open the door of his decaying house, blissfully unaware of the catastrophe that was soon to devastate his life. --Dr. David Chuter, Kingston, Surrey, ENGLAND(1999 Winner) The heather-encrusted Headlands, veiled in fog as thick as smoke in a crowded pub, hunched precariously over the moors, their rocky elbows slipping off land's end, their bulbous, craggy noses thrust into the thick foam of the North Sea like bearded old men falling asleep in their pints. --Gary Dahl, Los Gatos, CA (2000 Winner) A small assortment of astonishingly loud brass instruments raced each other lustily to the respective ends of their distinct musical choices as the gates flew open to release a torrent of tawny fur comprised of angry yapping bullets that nipped at Desdemona's ankles, causing her to reflect once again (as blood filled her sneakers and she fought her way through the panicking crowd) that the annual Running of the Pomeranians in Liechtenstein was a stupid idea. Sera Kirk, Vancouver, BC (2001 Winner) On reflection, Angela perceived that her relationship with Tom had always been rocky, not quite a roller-coaster ride but more like when the toilet-paper roll gets a little squashed so it hangs crooked and every time you pull some off you can hear the rest going bumpity-bumpity in its holder until you go nuts and push it back into shape, a degree of annoyance that Angela had now almost attained. Rephah Berg, Oakland CA (2002 Winner) They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white . . . Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently. Mariann Simms, Wetumpka, AL (2003 Winner) She resolved to end the love affair with Ramon tonight . . . summarily, like Martha Stewart ripping the sand vein out of a shrimp's tail . . . though the term "love affair" now struck her as a ridiculous euphemism . . . not unlike "sand vein," which is after all an intestine, not a vein . . . and that tarry substance inside certainly isn't sand . . . and that brought her back to Ramon. Dave Zobel, Manhattan Beach, CA (2004 Winner) As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual. Dan McKay, Fargo, ND (2005 Winner) Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean. Jim Guigli, Carmichael, CA (2006 Winner) Gerald began--but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash--to pee. Jim Gleeson, Madison, WI (2007 Winner) Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped "Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J." Garrison Spik, Washington, D.C. (2008 Winner) Some of the notable runners-up were: "Her breasts were like ripe strawberries, but much bigger, a completely different colour, not as bumpy, and without the little green things on top." "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description," "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do." "'Fightin' Joe' Steerforth thought he was tough until the day he met Annie ("Big Bucket") McGillicuddy and she left him battered and spent like a punch-drunk prizefighter on the ropes of love." "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens." "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep...'" "The horizon coughed up the morning sun much as if Atlas had lowered the world from his mighty shoulders and given it the Heimlich maneuver." "'This is almost worth the high blood pressure!' he thought as yet another mosquito exploded." "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved." "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store." "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it." "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor." "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies. "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!" Winners Of The "Worst Analogies Ever Written In A High School Essay" Contest He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington) She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown) He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Unknown) The following exchanges were recorded by court reporters: Attorney: Are you sexually active? Witness: No, I just lie there. Attorney: What is your date of birth? Witness: July 18th. Attorney: What year? Witness: Every year. Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? Witness: Yes. Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory? Witness: I forget. Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you? Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Attorney: How long has he lived with you? Witness: Forty-five years. Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Attorney: And why did that upset you? Witness: My name is Susan. Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? Witness: We both do. Attorney: Voodoo? Witness: We do. Attorney: You do? Witness: Yes, voodoo. Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam? Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? Witness: Uh, he's twenty-one. Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken? Witness: Would you repeat the question? Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? Witness: Yes. Attorney: And what were you doing at that time? Witness: Uh.... Attorney: She had three children, right? Witness: Yes. Attorney: How many were boys? Witness: None. Attorney: Were there any girls? Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated? Witness: By death. Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated? Attorney: Can you describe the individual? Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard. Attorney: Was this a male or a female? Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Attorney: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? Witness: Oral. Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? Witness: No. Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure? Witness: No. Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Witness: No. Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? Witness: No. Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor? Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law!