Declan's Story
When Bailey, my third child, was only 4 months old I discovered that I was
pregnant. I was shocked at first but delighted that we were going to have
another baby. We said that it was fate, that Declan was supposed to be with
us and that is why he was given to us so quickly and unexpectedly. I believe
that everything happens for a reason so I really hope that one day I discover
for what reason Declan couldn't stay,..... otherwise it just seems too cruel that
such a special gift be taken from us. As soon as we found out he was a boy
we named him. I have always named the kids, taking into account the
meanings of their names. They have all lived up to them, even Declan.....it
means "Saint". He was a member of our family from day one and the kids
used to kiss him goodnight (via my tummy) and include him in all of our
thoughts and plans for present and future.
Declan was born asleep on the 29th June, 1999. I stopped feeling him move
on Sunday the 27th at 5.00p.m. That was when my watch just stopped and
looking back, I'm sure that is when his little heart stopped beating. Recently I
spoke with a woman whose precious little girl died of Cot Death at 13 weeks
and the same thing happened to her, her watch stopped too. I was almost 42
weeks and was due to be induced on the Wednesday morning. I had been
having niggly contractions for the past week or so. As I was having
contractions on the Monday I didn't really notice until Monday afternoon that
I hadn't actually felt Declan move. I was hoping that maybe he was just being
quiet. Getting ready for his big arrival. I was starting to worry when I finally
got to sit down that day - (As you can imagine I was pretty busy with the
three kids.) and he still didn't move. I could feel his knee and when I pushed
it, he didn't push me back. I knew something was wrong. I went to the
hospital, by myself, Craig had to stay to look after the kids and besides, I
really was hoping that there wasn't anything wrong, though deep down I
knew. When they tried to find his heart beat there was nothing. They did an
ultrasound and there was obviously no heartbeat. "Sorry, your baby has
died". I called Craig, when I finally could think of my phone number. I was
in shock. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. WHY?? So many
questions started going through my head. Was it something I did, I had the
flu, was it that?? Should I have been induced earlier?? Was God punishing
me?? I couldn't understand why, I was a good person who loved her children.
I went home that night and after crying with my twin sister and family for a
couple of hours, tried to sleep, knowing that my precious Declan was going
to be born the next day and that I would never get to hear him cry, or see him
smile. I was in labour for 11 hours. It was the longest and hardest day of my
life. My Mum and Craig stayed with me for the whole time. I could hear all
the other women in the other rooms in the labour ward, yelling out in pain
and in victory as their babies were born, each time I heard a new baby cry I
would cry too.
He was beautiful and big 10 pound 3 oz, 56.5c.m. long. He was perfect in
every way. He looked just like my other children, lots of dark hair. It was so
hard to see Declan lying so still. I just wanted to hear him cry, for him to
open his eyes. I stayed in hospital over night and for half of the next day.
Declan stayed with me. All night I talked to him and sang him the songs that
I would have sung had I had the chance. The songs I sing to my other
children when they are sad or need some comfort. It was so hard to leave him
at the hospital. We had an autopsy done and there was no medical reason for
why his little heart stopped. This is very hard to take, I have no reason for
why Declan couldn't stay with us.
It has been 13 weeks and I am in incredible pain. The grief I feel is so
physical. I may be in the car, at the shops...all it takes is a song on the radio,
a smell, the sight of a baby the age that Declan would be. It takes me back to
that moment when I held him in my arms and longed to have him alive, to
take a breath. I get a knot in my stomach and it hurts.
I feel very lost without the baby that I had longed for, planned for and loved.
I know that I can never replace Declan but I really want to have another baby.
We wanted more children so I want to try again soon. I am just terrified that I
will want it so bad that it wont happen, and also when it does that my
pregnancy will be slow and stressful. I know the chance of this happening
again is very unlikely but still of course we are all going to worry. I just cant
leave it like this though, I need a happy ending to try to make this right. I
look forward to the time when I am back in the hospital holding on to another
beautiful baby....smiling this time, maybe with tears of joy and not sorrow. I
know that Declan is always with me and I am sure that he will stay near me,
to give me the strength I need. I think that he is now my "Guardian Angel".
Written by Lissa Marshall
In Loving Memory of Declan born asleep June 29, 1999
