Joey's Story I am the mother of 4 beautiful children - 3 living, 1 in heaven.  I apologize for the length - sadly it is the abridged version... My first 2 pregnancies came and progressed easily.  I had no problems and delivered full-term, healthy babies by c-section.  I biked, hiked, camped, swam, lived life to it's fullest and had no complications whatsoever. Pregnancy 3 however was a different story.  We had tried for over 6 months (boy I bought out the store with  pregnancy tests!)  I was pregnant for 1 month longer than I thought due to bleeding (which I thought was AF) and didn't test until the end of Feb that mos.  By that time I was well over 8 weeks pregnant. But from that point forward I was worried about my pregnancy even though I didn't have any reason.  I didn't feel real good - though I didn't have morning sickness (but I didn't with the other 2 either so that wasn't strange).  I was extraordinarily tired, I worried about picking up my children (then 3 years and 21 months) and  taking the stairs, going shopping, being on my feet. I started bleeding on March 23 - and it was heavy though I had no cramping. I was about 12 weeks along.  I also had a very sick child with croup and was actually getting him ready for the doctor when it happened.  At first I was stunned and confused and then I was horrified and sad.  I thought for certain I was loosing my baby.  My son's doctor happens to the be the brother of my OB so he got me into the OB's office immediately.  From there my life changed forever.  I had been diagnosed with an abruption at 12 weeks.  I had 32 weeks of  bleeding,  hospitalizations, home health care, neighbors and family coming to care for me and my children because I was on bedrest.  (boy do you want to talk about guilt!!! Not only must I rely on others to care for me but now to care for my children - I felt horrible becuase at times I felt as though I was choosing 1 child over the other 2) My water broke at 32 weeks on August 25, 1998, I went into labor the baby went into distress and long story short we lost her on August 27, 1998 at about 7:00 am.  I know this because at a shift change during my  last hospital stay they caught her hb at about 6:30 and by 7:30 she was  gone. Unfortunately I also have the added  knowledge that it was the best I had felt during my 32 weeks pregnant.  I didn't realize how hard my body was working to keep her alive until she died.  I was induced after my DH arrived (I was 3 hours from home).  She was my first and only vaginal delivery.  She came into this world silently on August 28, 1998. I had all these emotions - what do I say, do, think or feel, how do I tell my now 4 year old daughter that the sister she was so excited to have come home  - wasn't coming to *our* home.  I had promised her that it would be my last stay and I would have a baby to bring home - now Mommy was breaking her promise in the worst possible way.  Then we had funeral arrangements and the like to consider, who to invite, how to get around not making it a public spectacle and hurt people's feelings because we wanted it to be private. The issue of the cemetery plot was much harder than we anticipated because the people who run the cemetery didn't want to let us have the plot we choose - it was too hard for them to deed out just 1 plot - so we had to buy several that day or they wouldn't do it. - Guess what - I'll rest in peace with my in-laws :) LOL. Finding our way through the darkness of the grief at times was more than I could take.  I felt lost, hopeless, uninterested, discouraged, angry, sad, depressed, empowered, full of faith, lack of faith, it was all there and more.  I found it hard to get out of bed every single morning and even with having 2 living children I found it difficult.  But I forced myself.  I got up at 5 every morning, got a shower, put on make-up did my hair and dressed to the 9's in order to help keep myself going.  I also had the cleanest house in town let me tell you!  Our beds were made every single day without fail, there wasn't a speck of dust to be found, my floor was mopped daily, vacuumed daily and sometimes twice.  We sparkled! But I didn't.  Inside I felt like I was dying.  I wanted another baby, I wanted *my* baby, I felt so cheated and I felt like I let her down.  But one thing was clear - I wanted another baby. Because my 3rd pregnancy was so high-risk and I had no risk factors the next one wasn't going to be easy, pregnancy after loss aside.  I knew that I would have countless trips to the doctor, I would examine every ache and pain and I knew emotionally I would have a difficult time connecting.  But I knew it was something I wanted to do - I just wasn't sure how or when. We decided to start trying around June of 1999.  I was hoping to be well pregnant for my baby's first heavenly birthday.  Well, that came and went - and I'm not sure if it was better or worse because I wasn't pregnant.  I can tell you this much - the anticipation of her day was much, much worse than the day itself.  We decided to go away as a family - we went camping because we wanted to be together and not interrupted.  We came home on our daughter's day and placed flowers at her grave and set a balloon free - not exactly how I had envisioned myself spending her first birthday. But then there was the whole "not pregnant" thing.  I was waiting and wondering and waiting and hoping and still nothing.  I broke down and bought the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility".  I figured if nothing else I would at least feel l had some control or was doing something to push things along and if after 3 months I wasn't pregnant at least I had charts to take to my OB to see if we could determine what the problem was. Well, October came and it was the first month we had used the methods described in the book.  I took a pregnancy test (confirm test) 11 dpo and it was ++++ .  I nearly fainted right there.  I cried, I screamed I shouted for joy and then I was panic stricken. It wasn't an easy pregnancy emotionally or physically.  I had started spotting early on and was scared to death - turned out to be a subchorionic hemorrhage and it wasn't big and a little bedrest and modified activity cured that puppy!  Then there was the morning sickness - something I wasn't accustomed to and I had 2 other children to care for.  Well let's just say that I really applaud you all who have it and have it bad - I didn't have it real bad but I felt hung over all day long, every day for several weeks and then it extended into my 2nd trimester.  My OB though was pleased to see me dragging myself into his office looking peaked.  He said it showed promise that things were going well.  Glad he was happy that I was frequently found curled in a ball by the toilet.  LOL! I had very close monitoring, my baby was growing well and my 2nd trimester I actually found myself excited once again to expect a baby.  I felt positive for the first time in a long time and I thought it was nothing but sunshine and rainbows from that time forward.  I wasn't prepared for my panic attacks as my pregnancy progressed.   The closer I got to my daughter's gestational age when she died the worse it became.  I had monitoring by non-stress tests, biophysical profiles and ultra sounds coming out my ears.  I thought that passing that marker would make me more "sane" but as it turned out it turned my life upside down.  I knew at this point the baby, our son, had an excellent chance of survival if born now and that complications could arise but generally at this point a baby's chance of survival was almost 90%. With that in the back of my mind my heart played games - I wanted this baby out now so that my body didn't have a chance to turn on him.  Those non-stress tests became more and more stressful for me emotionally as my son didn't always cooperate and this would then mean another u/s to check fluid level, cord placement and growth.  Most of those u/s's were reassuring.  One however sent me to the edge and I lost it.  I mean I completely lost it.  I was 35 weeks pregnant and the u/s wasn't clear as to the placement of the cord.  The radiologist was concerned that it was around Joseph's neck and called me back for a second u/s to confirm placement.  Well, he wasn't 100% sure but almost that it wasn't around his neck but told me to go home and not worry - Um, right, yeah, that'll happen.  I went to my OB's office and broke down in the lobby, in front of everyone, pregnant women included and sobbed and sobbed - it was the last straw.  No more could I put on the brave front that I was handling things OK - I wasn't.  I wanted this baby and I was now very scared that some fluke was going to take him from me before I even got to look in his eyes and tell him I loved him.  Thankfully my OB was on call that day and spoke with me over the phone, he gently guided me to the hospital, performed yet another nst and had a biophysical profile done. He told me if there was *anything* that concerned, him, anything at all we would have the baby that night - no if, and's or buts about it.  Well everything was great - the u/s even confirmed that the cord was nowhere near Joseph, he wasn't tangled in it at all.  I was so relieved I cried some more.  :) Two weeks later we attempted an amnio at week 37 for delivery by section that day but due to placental placement and how uncooperative my child was we bagged it and scheduled section #3 for the following week.  Actually that last week was the very best week of my pregnancy.  I was very calm, serene and I had this wonderful feeling that my baby was coming home.  The week went quickly and my son came into this world, loudly I might add, on June 22, at 8 am - 38 weeks gestation all of 7 lbs, 11 oz!!! Nine months later I have to say that life is wonderful.  My home still sparkles, but not because of constant cleaning - who has time to clean like that with 3 children running around! - but because of joy and happiness.  My home is noisy, messy at times, the beds aren't made every day and there's a ton of laundry but it is a happy home once again.  I guess the happiness was always there, I just forgot where to look for it.  Yes there are days when I am melancholy and miss my daughter.  My son's achievements remind me every day of what I miss with her.  I have much sorrow at times because I miss her so - but it's a different sorrow.  It isn't raw like it once was and I recover much quicker from the stabs of pain in my heart (the heartache is always there but the pain is much duller now).  I look at my son and thank God every day for these living miracles and my miracle in heaven with Him. If it were not for my daughter I probably would have missed much of the beauty I now see every day.  Roses smell sweeter, the sun is brighter and my children's laughter much louder - music to my ears.  I don't take things for granted anymore, life is full of joy and sadness and you have to accept that. You don't have to like it but you have to accept it. I know it is hard to believe that life will ever be good again.  I know there are still days to come for all of us when the heartache will tug at us once again and we will cry tears remembering our precious babies.  But the grief will get better.  You will find joy again and while life will never ever be the same it will be happy again.  I promise that!