LET'S BASE OUR LIVES OFF OF CHAIN EMAILS

Someone sent me an email the other day that was entitled "are you a good kisser" or some dumb shit like that. I decided that it couldn't really be that stupid, considering I've read these things before, only to discover that I was wrong. Oh boy was I ever wrong. I'll honestly tell you that I laughed my ass off while reading this (and that doesn't happen very often), it was just that stupid. I decided to copy this over into word for the soul purpose of writing this article that you're reading right now.

When I copied this over to word, I wasn't surprised to find that it took up 13 pages (it took up a good portion of my life to read). I won't be making fun of The entire chain email. Only the portions of it that I found really stupid and worthy of getting a shit kicking. So let's get started shall we? *NOTE---My responses will be in white while the chain letters are in various colors.

This chain letter is real
so follow
the instructions
and something
good will happen!!

LISTEN TO THIS LETTER AND GOOD LUCK!!!!!

Sorry,
but this chain letter is for real.
When Anne Wichert got it for the first time,
she ignored it and a week later the love of her
life dumped her for no good reason so
BEWARE,
and just send the stupid letter!!!!!!

I see their persuasive manuevers seem to really get ahold of me. By stating someone else's misfortune, I now feel the need to send this email to all of my friends and piss THEM off for a change. I really hate when they do this. I don't even know this Anne Wichert person and I don't feel sorry for her and the fact that her dipshit boyfriend dumped her for no good reason. Don't cry yourself to sleep Anne. Chances are if he dumped you for no reason, then he wasn't really that much of a keeper anyways. So stop deciding that if there was no good reason to begin with that it must be totally blamed on an email you recieved that has enough ability to control your future as my ass does. I'll be honest, I sent some of these emails that state that your crush will say they love you if you send it, and if you don't then your love will dump you (which doesn't make sense, because you can't have both at the same time) just to prove these assholes wrong. These emails don't do shit, so stop thinking that if you send it then everything will be ok.

This chain started in 1997.
It is a love chain letter.
In an hour you are
supposed to send it to
25 people.
It is easy, just look into
chat rooms and find them.
Anyway,
send it to 25 people in 1 hour.
Now here
comes the fun part.
You then say
the name of the person
you like or love
and then the person will say
"I love you,"
or
"Will you go out with me?"
NO JOKE!!!!!

The consequences are:
If you break the chain letter,
you will have bad luck
in future relationships.
If you don't
break the chain,
then you will be a
happy camper!!!

See above comment*

The Lovers of the Heart

In order to form
a more perfect kiss,
enable the mighty hug to promote
to whom we please
but one kiss.

Was this statement just thrown in here to add extra space? I don’t see the need to add this in here as I’ve never really given a damn how to give the “perfect” kiss. That and this email is already the length of a goddamn grad thesis to begin with.

Article 1:

Statement of Love:
The Kiss

THESE ARE MY TRANSLATIONS OF THESE GESTURES

1.
Kiss on the hand
I adore you
Kiss on the hand: This is the best I can do
2.
Kiss on the cheek
I just want to be friends
Kiss on the cheek: I want to be more than friends because NO FRIENDS KISS EACH OTHER ON THE FUCKING CHEEK! (at least my friends don’t)
3.
Kiss on the neck
I want you
Kiss on the neck: let's have sex
4.
Kiss on the lips
I love you
Kiss on the lips: can we have sex now?
5.
Kiss on the ears
I am just playing
Kiss on the ears: Maybe we can have sex?
Kiss anywhere else
lets not get carried away
Kiss anywhere else: ok, now we get to have sex
7.
Look in your eyes
kiss me
Look in your eyes: I wonder what sex with you would be like w
8.
Playing with your hair
I can't live without you

Playing with your hair: I CAN live without you, I just have a fetish for hair.

9.
Hand on your waist
I love you to much to let you go

Hand on your waist: THIS DOESN'T MEAN I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO LET YOU GO!1.

Maybe I'm just being bitter in this regards. Who cares? Does anyone else notice that the last few questions have nothing to do with kissing?

Article 2:
The Three Steps

Girls:
If any guys gets fresh with you, slap him.
This is bullshit. If this is the case, then anytime a girl gets fresh with me means I should get to slap them. But wait, isn't that domestic abuse? Jesus.
2.
Guys
If any girl slaps you, her intentions are still good.
No it isn't. She just fucking slapped you.
3.
Guys & Girls
Close your eyes when kissing, it is rude to stare.
Who cares? I keep my eyes open because I want to make sure I'm still kissing the right person. Best thing is, if they think that me keeping my eyes open is rude, the only way they'll know is if they do the same, which will be hypocritical.


Article 3:
The Commandments

1.
Thou shall not squeeze
too hard.
Squeeze what?
2.
Thou shall not ask for a kiss,
but take one.
Only to get rejected in the middle of whereever it is you are.
3.
Thou shall kiss
at every opportu nity.
And miss completely, hitting her eye.

Notice that there seems to be only three commandments and that they don’t seem like they really pertain to anyone’s life? Worst of all, they added a space in the middle of opportunity. They say it’s a good luck chain letter, except for the fact that someone fucked up writing it.

* Remember *
A peach is a peach
A plum is a plum,
A kiss isn't a kiss
Without some tongue.
So open up your mouth
close your eyes,
and give your tongue
some exercise!!!

Jesus I really hate this “poem”. I’ve seen it everywhere in emails (as well as mastercard commercial rip offs) and yet again they threw it in here when it was totally unnecessary. Here’s the problems with it: 1.plum and tongue don’t even rhyme 2.a kiss is a kiss without tongue (otherwise it’s the starting of a makeout session) and 3.IT’S JUST FUCKING RETARDED!!!

CoNgRatULaTioNs!!

You have been chosen
to participate
in the
LONGEST
and the
LUCKIEST
chain letter on the Internet!
Once you read,
this letter you must
IMMEDIATELY
(meaning within the hour)
be sent to
25
people
After you send it,
make a wish
and it will come
TRUE

YOU MAY NOT WAIT
FOR A CERTAIN TIME
TO SEND IT........ REMEMBER,
IT MUST BE SENT
TO
25
PEOPLE WITHIN 1 HOUR,
OR
YOUR WISH WILL NOT COME
TRUE!
If THIS
CHAIN LETTER
IS CONTINUED UNTIL
THE YEAR 2004, IT WILL BE PLACED IN

THE GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS!



PLEASE CONTINUE IT NOW!!!

*WARNING*

IF YOU DO NOT PASS THIS ON,
SOMETHING BAD OR WORSE
WILL HAPPEN TO YOU:

NOTE*
THE MORE PEOPLE
YOU SEND THIS TO
THE MORE LUCK YOU WILL
HAVE IN YOUR LOVE LIFE.
IF YOU BREAK
THE CHAIN LETTER

(IT HAS BEEN GOING SINCE 1997)

YOU WILL HAVE
BAD LUCK
WITH YOUR LOVE LIFE
FOR SEVEN YEARS.
THIS IS
NO
JOKE.
GOOD LUCK

This one really pisses me off. Not only is it too fucking long that it's unnecessary, It also states the same bullshit about how you'll burn in hell if you don't send this email (or something like that). Nice of them to point out the fact that this is the LONGEST chain letter, except I really wish they put that at the begining so that I could delete it before my time gets wasted. But they decided to throw in that bullshit about it being the LUCKIEST (in capitols, look at that) on the internet. Also, they decided to add the fact that if it continued until 2004 then it will be placed in the guinness book of world records. It's mid2004 right now, It's still going around, and I still don't see any record being set. I remember when the book used to be about accomplishments. What record is it getting? "Most people pissed off from an email"? Why the hell is it still going around if it's 2004 already?

This isn't even the whole thing. There's 25 statements in there that I didn't want to add because I believe they should be written as their own article. This among many other things (including some cut and paste). The funny thing is that I made you read this against your will. Nice to know that I've pissed off other people for a change.

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