LIST OF TIPS FOR WHEN YOU'RE BUYING A X-MAS/BIRTHDAY GIFT

1) MONEY IS ACCEPTABLE FOR BIRTHDAYS, BUT NOT CHRISTMAS

People would seriously much rather open a card on their birthday only to be surprised by a 10, 20 or even a 50 dollar bill staring back at them. Never give a card to someone on a birthday that doesn't have any money in it at all. My advice would be to just give them the money that you were going to spend on the card. This way, you're showing them that you care, as well as giving them a little bit of spending cash. No one wants to have a card from someone they'll probably end up hating in the near future that will harbour bitter memories of the past. Money is not a good gift to give someone on Christmas (unless the person is being an ass by not dropping any hints as to what they want, and then they'd just be ungrateful that you got them something they didn't want anyways). At Christmas time people spend money on you, and it would be a waste of time to just give them the money back for their present, that and then they know how much money you spent on them as opposed to how much they spent on you, and that would just be awkward.

2) IF GIVING MONEY STICK TO NUMBERS THAT ARE A MULTIPLE OF 10 OR 5

If you give people 6 dollars, 17 dollars, or any amount of money that includes pocket change, then that would probably make you look like you didn't have time to go out and buy anything for them and just decided to use money as a last minute panic thing.

3) SEX FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS ALWAYS ACCEPTABLE

If you can't afford a gift, or are just too lazy to go out and buy your girlfriend one, sometimes the best idea is to try and give her the best sex she has ever recieved. Many of you might be thinking "but I can't go for as long as she wants me to". The simple solution to that would be to masturbate one hour prior to having sex with her, and then using two (or more depending on who you are) condoms over top of each other. This way you won't go off too soon before she's finished having multiple orgasms. And don't forget the most important thing: guys may not like foreplay but girls can't get enough of it. Try to make the foreplay last three times as long as it normally should (or until she feels like she can't take it anymore). And try your hardest when you go down on her. I'd list off all of my sexual tips but I'm too lazy. Just email me if you really give a shit.

4) ALWAYS KEEP THE RECIEPT

You never know when the person you're buying for is going to be an ungrateful prick so you might want to keep the reciept in case they don't want your carefully picked out gift anymore. This is a reason why money is a good alternative.

5) NEVER MAKE PERSONALIZED GIFTS FOR B-DAYS OR X-MAS

Personalized gifts, such as songs, homemade cards, clothes etc., are only acceptable during valentine's day, 6 month anniverseries, or the like. No one wants a hand crafted object during a time when they normally wouldn't do the same for you. They'll think you're too damn cheap to afford anything half decent, and therefore they'll think you're a no good pinch penny asshole. Nobody cares about personalized gifts around valentine's day because it's not an official holiday anyways.

6) IF YOU BOUGHT SOMEONE A MORE EXPENSIVE GIFT THAN THEY BOUGHT YOU, SCREW THE THOUGHTS THAT COUNT, THEY OWE YOU

I guess this one is pretty self explanitory.

7) NEVER EVER BUY GIFT CERTIFICATES

Possibly the worst gift ever. It's not so much a gift really as it is last ditch effort on giving your friend something that isn't exactely money. Gift certificates are just like money except they have more restrictions and also include an expiration date. With real money there's no specific time that you have to use it up. That and you can usually only use one coupon per purchase and therefore have to still take money out of your own damn pocket, making it so much more inconvenient for everyone else. Just give me the five bucks. At least then I could pick myself up a bottle of colt 45.

8) A LAP DANCE IS ACCEPTABLE IF YOU'RE BROKE...HINT...HINT

I just want a lap dance from someone. Is that too much to ask?

9) THERE ARE TIMES AND PLACES TO GIVE SEXY LINGERIE

It's ok to give sexy lingerie to your significant other, but be careful when doing so. She doesn't want to be opening gifts in front of her parents and end up pulling out a piece of undergarments that is nothing more than a flap on a string. Neither does she want to be opening them in front of her friends. Hell, only give these gifts when you're alone, with candles lit, and you're both horny as hell.

10) NEVER BUY SOMEONE A GIFT IF THEY HINT THAT THEY WANT IT

How many people have heard a friend say that they want a certain gift, so you go out and buy it for them, only to find out that everyone else got the same idea and bought him the exact same gift? Talk about unoriginality. If these people believe that the most fun part about gifts is the surprise that comes along with it, then maybe you should give them a gift they had no idea they were going to get. You should know them well enough to know what they would want for a gift. Use a little imagination.

 

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