After rereading the comment in my last article about how I would change the concept of clapping hands to congratulate people, I stopped and thought for a second, what would it would be like if I were the god of the entire universe, and how would I use my godlike powers to govern the universe. I decided I would write down all the things I would do and once I was finished, something else occured to me. I'd make one hell of a kickass god. Don't think so? Just read what I have in store for all your miserable souls.

To start off, I would recreate Earth and all it's inhabitants and have the planet have just one season. Cool Breeze. This way we won't have anyone bitching about how cold the winter is and how they wish it was summer, then have the same people bitching about how hot it is and how they wish it was winter again. I'd also make it so that there would be only one type of bug, The dragonfly (because they kick ass), and have it's main food source be weaker animals. Such as gophers. All animals would have to resort to canibalism, that way there won't be any bitching about the death of one species will lead to the death of another due to their roll in the food chain. Cows and pigs will be plentiful and will not feel any pain, so that any vegetarians can stop complaining about people eating horibly slaughtered animals. In fact, when cows die it'll tickle. That way we know they haven't suffered.

The punishment for any wrong doing is death. No more sitting on death row, or slap on the wrists bullshit. Screw up once, and you bite the dust. Stole a cookie from the local grocerie store? You get hanged. Kill your wife? Fuck a trial and jury. Those are for pussies. You'll immediately get shot, and just to be on the safe side, anyone associated with you will die too, so that anyone trying to frame anyone else will die too. Hell, just for the fun of it, I'll kill everyone and destroy the universe every hundred years just so that I don't get bored and I can have more fun recreating.

Stupid people will be incinerated by bolts of lightning at age 18, so you better pray that your IQ is higher than 150 by the time you leave school. I won't have a planet full of idiots, that would look bad intergalactically. Anyone who suffers any problem that lowers their IQ will be hit by lightning and die. They'll be happier that way.

I'll be the only god in existence who'll appear to a person or give them visions, and then when they go to tell people, I'll prove my existence so that the people I talk to don't get considered crazy. Oh hell, I'll just walk among the people freely, and build myself a shrine filled with a bunch of shit I like. That way I can be given offerings of human sacrifices and brownies, Because brownies rock.

And then once people die, they'll come to my afterworld, that looks just like Earth, except with some added twists. And the rule of my afterlife is that you can do anything your heart desires. If you don't like the look that some guy gives you, stab him, he's already dead so it won't hurt. He'll just pull the knife out of his head and stab you with it, no fear of AIDS. You can smoke, do drugs, piss on things, because it's not like you have any brain cells to kill, and if you want, you can go back to Earth as a ghost and scare people shitless, because isn't that really what we'd like to do?

Everyone would have all the possesions they need. There would be no poverty, and no money. People would Work to better themselves and the rest of society. That and if they didn't work, they would be executed by being eaten by hundreds of hungry crows. Also, Kangaroos will have the ability to carry handguns because they would kick ass, and anyone who openly brags about their sexual encounters will be bitchslapped until they get knocked out, lose a million brain cells, and then get the penalty of death for having a low IQ

I still think that I'd make a cool god.