THINGS I WISH PEOPLE WOULD DO MORE OFTEN I'll spare you people the boring introduction and just cut to the chase. This is a list of things that other people do that just tickle my fancy. I wish people would just do these things more often, because this world just doesn't have enough of those people in question. Fuck everyone else. We should just have millions of people like this running around. So without further ado, this is a list of people I wish were my best friends:

1. People who quote something that a TV character says during the middle of the show.

How many people do you know always say the quote that a TV character says on the show at the exact moment that the character says it? Not just TV shows but commercials and movies as well? I know people who do this, and I would love nothing more than to shake their hand and thank them. After all, there's nothing I love more than to listen to someone do the voices poorly, as well as having bad timing and misquoting, rather than actually having to listen to the character in the TV show. An example of this would be whenever I'm watching Family Guy. Anytime I watch it I wish there was someone there to quote whatever Peter Griffin says because listening to the actual voice of him is getting so boring and lame. It's more exciting to watch the show where other people in the room do the voices instead. It's great. Get your friends to do it the next time you're watching your show and see what I mean.

2. People who give away the punch line in a movie/TV show a few seconds before it comes up.

This one should be number one on my list. These people are the greatest. They're so useful to have around whenever you're going to watch a movie you've never seen before, yet they have, because they satisfy your curiousity way ahead of schedule. Too often have I been watching a movie and they took way too long to come out with a line that would make me laugh my ass off. I don't have the patience to wait for the funny parts to come around. Usually I watch a movie and I get way too impatient that I literally shit myself with anticipation. I've ruined way too many pairs of pants while watching a movie. That's why these people are the best to have around. Then you don't have to ever wait for the punchline, because they'll yell it out loud right before the actors on the screen actually say it. I mean, sure it makes the joke less funny, but I'm a busy guy, and I'd rather have the whole movie ruined for me than laugh after waiting for seconds before the line came up.

3. Guys who touch my girlfriend in a sexual way (just joking around of course)

I wish more guys would touch my girlfriend like that. It's hilarious because they're getting away with touching someone else's girlfriend right in front of them by saying that they're "just being playful". I just sit back afterwards and laugh myself silly, because it's so witty and original. The only problem is the piss stain that appear on my pants from laughing so hard. But that's understandable because we all know how funny it is. The best part about it is knowing that this funny guy is getting away with something that I would probably get the shit kicked out of me if I ever pulled that kind of thing with anyone else's girlfriend (some people just don't know good clean fun when they see it)

4. People who complain about their jobs all the time but still won't quit.

After a long hard day of being unemployed because I'm above sucking cock to get a job, I love to sit back and listen to people bitch and whine about how much they hate their jobs etc. because it really puts me in a calm and serene mood. Forget about the fact that these people managed to get the job over dozens of other applicants who probably wouldn't complain about the job but would be really grateful for the fact that someone is actually willing to give them a chanceto work instead of feeling like a leech on society. These people are in the total right to complain about how much they hate their jobs. And they don't have to quit if they don't want to. It's their choice. Forget all of the other people who could actually do a good job with minimal complaining and apathy. Those people are losers. And it's only cool if you're bitching about your job because it takes up most of your time and you don't have much of a personal life. It's stupid and pathetic to bitch about how your boss keeps jerking you around. That's no reason to complain. Those people should suck it up. Bosses are allowed to be Neo-nazis, so get over it. The thing I love most about these people who bitch about their jobs in this manner is the fact that if they actually DO quit, then the company will eventually hire someone else who will bitch and complain just as much as the first person, thus not giving a chance to people who'll actually get the job done. It's brilliant.

5. Tattoo places that charge you $75 for a facial piercing.

Tattoo parlors are justified in charging you an arm,a leg and your left ball for the painstaking labour that comes from shoving a needle through another person's skin. I mean, people just don't realize that jabbing people with pointed objects properly as to prevent injury does in fact actually cost a whole paycheck if you think about it. The labour is so hard I'm surprised that the people working there don't collapse from exhaustion more often (I'd explain it more but it's pretty obvious just how hard their job actually is). On top of that they're also justified in making you sign a waiver just in case if they happen to totally fuck things up while they're doing a tattoo or a piercing. I mean, they're the ones doing the job, but it's not like it's their fault if things don't go right. It's your fault you go blind during an eyebrow piercing because of the awkward skin that they have to work with.

6. People who tell you that your girlfriend is cheating on you because they still hold a grudge against her.

I was sitting on the bus one day, talking about something important to my aunt who happened to be sitting across from me, when someone I didn't know just comes over and sits down next to me. He tells me that my girlfriend cheated on me with him and six other guys three months prior and that he also knows people who could back him up on this story. At that moment I wished he could've been my new best friend. I thought it was great the way he talked as if he was the victem of the story as well, because not only did she tell him she didn't have a boyfriend when he asked at the time of her cheating, but he also told me that my girlfriend and his ex girlfriend (who recently moved out of the apartment he was living in, at the same time breaking up with him because he was a braindead lunatic) stole a shitload of things from him and put him in debt. I felt so sorry for him that I wanted to give him a big hug. How could he be so mistreated when he was a victem of the horrible condition of Attention Deficit Disorder (A.D.D.), which we all know is a horrible condition that requires a lot of treatment. I just couldn't believe my ears when this stranger told me all of this. It doesn't matter than my girlfriend told me FOUR months prior to this event that this guy was going to tell me that she cheated on me with him just to totally screw up our relationship just because she wouldn't sleep with him because the guy is ugly and stalked her for months. This doesn't mean that she can just betray my trust just like that. And it doesn't matter that I trust and believe my girlfriend a hell of a lot more than some random asshole who I just met on the bus that day. A successful relationship is built on trust and faithfulness. If I could I'd really love to break up with her and go out with this other guy because he seems like a decent, level-headed guy, but I can't because during the course of our relationship me and my girlfriend were in a car accident and because our bodies were so mangled they had to do some quick surgery and sew my head onto her body so that I could survive, so we're pretty much stuck together until one of us dies or they can figure out how to implant my head onto the body of a robot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DISCLAIMER FOR THE REALLY STUPID: This entire article was 100% sarcasm.

 

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