The Beginning
My Treatment
My Support System
Quotes
I had always been a "tomboy." As I was growing up, my older brother and my 2 male cousins were my best friends. Every day we would play some type of sport. Whether it be basketball, baseball, soccer or football, I always participated. I was not afraid to get "down and dirty." For some reason, nothing that was seen as being more "feminine" ever appealed to me. (cheerleading, ballet, etc.)
When I hit puberty, I gained some weight. I was such a scrawny little girl, so the weight gain really didn't make much of a difference. But I remember being called "fat" by the cousins and my brother whom I adored and loved to hang out with. Their name calling wasn't because I was actually fat. It was because they realized that it bothered me to be called such. Being the only girl, they loved to "get on my nerves." I also remember being told by several people that I had to watch my "girlish figure." I guess watching my girlish figure meant to watch what I ate (it was puberty people...give me a break!!). Anyway, it was around this time that I was actively buying teenage girl magazines. I couldn't help but notice how beautiful and skinny the girls in the magazines were. I idolized them.
I think that at the age of about 13 I went on my first "diet." It never really amounted to all that much. I basically stopped eating chips, pizza, and chocolate for about a week. Then I was back to eating like my normal old self.
By the age of 14 I was still a little "chubby" in my own eyes, but I was told that I would eventually grow into it. And that I did. I became a very tall, slender, and muscular teenager. Being active in basketball and volleyball helped me stay very fit and trim.
During my eighth grade year, my brother was being recruited out of high school to play college basketball. I felt like all the attention was on him. I sort of felt like my parents loved him more than they loved me. My entire life I was always compared to him. My grades were never as good, and I behaved in a different manner, and my work ethic was never as good. I felt like they wanted me to be a clone of his accomplishments and personality. I had no room to do what "Jessie" wanted to do...it had to be done the way that "Jason" had done it.
Well, sophomore year rolled around, and this is the year that my life changed. My mom came home from a doctor's appointment, and she told me how much she weighed. She weighed 4 pounds less than I did! I didn't think that that could be possible, because she is a lot older than I am, and I am an athlete! I failed to take into consideration at the time that muscle weighs more than fat, and that she only weighed 4 pounds less than me, but I am 3 inches taller! Also, one Sunday morning I woke up quite hungry, so I had something to eat. Then I told my mom that I was bored and I was going back to sleep. She said "you know Jessie, that is what pigs do. They eat and then they sleep." She said it in a joking manner. She really didn't mean any harm by it. But little did she know that my life would soon change.
It was May 10, 1999 ~ 9 days after my 17th birthday.. I decided that I was going to go on a diet (again). It was quite successful. After I had dropped the first 5 pounds, people had started to notice. When I had dropped a total of 10 pounds, people had already started to comment on how gaunt I looked (because I was quite slender to begin with). But of course I ignored them. I was in control, right? Wrong. I lost complete control. My "diet" had gone bad. I was no longer in control. I kept dropping weight and kept dropping weight. But I was ecstatic. I liked this. It showed that I had power. I had the power not to eat when others had to. I didn't have to surrender to the hunger pains, and they did. I was able to exercise harder and longer than they were. I was finally demonstrating the "work ethic" that my parents wanted me too. I learned to adapt to feeling cold all of the time. I learned to deal with the fact that my hair was falling out in clumps because a lack of nutrition. I learned to deal with nearly passing out every time I stood up. I was losing weight...and that is all that mattered.
Anyway, to end a long and very painful story...I entered my first day of outpatient treatment on November 15, 1999 ~ only 6 months after my "diet" had started. In other words, my problem was caught relatively early. I have been working hard in recovery for over four years. At first I resisted it. I went through the motions. I went to my appointments, but I really was not working at it. Currently, there are still days when I question the validity of my illness. Sometimes I do not believe that I have a problem. I am no longer underweight, so of course I don't feel "sick enough." But I have to realize (as does everyone else that is in denial of their eating disorder), that this disease affects your mind the most. I have to realize that I have many issues that need to be solved. I still struggle with thoughts of wanting to lose weight, but I have to convince myself that losing weight will not solve my problems. I will not be a better athlete. I will not get better grades. It will not make me happier.
I will defeat this monster someday!
May 2000
