The Latter Stages:  My Life Today Treatment
		I have been in treatment for about 6 months now.  I admit, it is definitely not an easy task.  I still remember the first day that I walked into my therapist's office.  There were so many thoughts running through my head.  I didn't know where to start ~ but most importantly (at the time) I didn't know how to convince her that there was nothing wrong with me.  I refused to make eye contact.  I was ashamed to be there, because I was not "sick enough."  I felt like I was wasting her time.  I soon found out that there was nothing I could say to make her believe that I was completely fine.  She saw right through the lies.  I was very resistant to treatment at first.  I went through all the motions, but I never truly put forth the effort to recover.  I liked being called the "thin one" at school.  There was a sick part of me that actually liked the dizziness, the constant feeling of being cold, the bruising and watching my hair fall out.  There was a part of me that wanted to remain sick.  I struggled to understand why I would chose to live in misery.  That was the most confusing part.  I had the possibility of recovery placed before me, yet I turned my back on it ~ I chose to live in isolation instead.  I came to the conclusion that my life would never amount to anything, and I virtually gave up hope. About 4 months into treatment, I  was finally willing to work towards a healthier lifestyle.  That is when I realized that I would like to do so much with my life, but by practicing my eating disordered behaviors, it was obvious that those dreams would not be fulfilled.   One of the major influences of my change of thought, was the fact that I have always wanted children.   But, due to my eating disorder, I had stopped getting my period for nearly 6 months.  I was devastated at the thought that there may come a day when I am ready to have kids, but am unable to.  That was the turning point. Within these past 6 months, I have been able to restore my original weight, which makes things extremely difficult.  Most people think that since I am no longer thin, that I am "cured."  To be quite honest, I hurt more now than I ever have.  I often struggle with feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy.  I  find it very difficult to go out in public.  My self-esteem and body image is rather low. But that is exactly why I am in treatment.  I am working through issues and trying to accept my body as it is.  Everyday I look in a mirror and say "I am a perfect flower."
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		Sure, I am still battling the "voices" in my head.  Some days I am confused as to which voice I want to listen to.  I know that some days will be better than others, but I also I realize that there will be setbacks ~ I am bound and determined not to let those setbacks totally affect the progress that I have made thus far.  It definitely is a roller coaster ride.  I never know how I am going to feel from day to day ~ or from hour to hour for that matter.  I just have to deal with the feelings that I am experiencing as they arise. Therapy has taught me several different coping skills.  I have not yet mastered these skills, but that day will come.  I am 100% positive about this.  There will come the day that I can go swimsuit shopping without freaking out.  There will come the day that I will look in the mirror and be completely satisfied with the reflection staring back at me.   That day may not be anytime soon...but I know it will come...it is just a matter of time.  Someday I will be ED free. ~thoughts after 6 months in treatment~ May 2000 To view my thoughts after one year of treatment, click here