| The Latter Stages: My Life Today Treatment (continued) |
| Well I will admit that the past year has not been an easy one. Recovery is definitely not easy (as I knew it wouldn't be). But I am proud to say that I am sticking with it. There have been several times over the past year that I was ready to throw in the towel. Sometimes I convinced myself that "recovery just wasn't my thing." And in all actuality, sometimes I still fall into that mind-set. Those are the times that I work the hardest towards a healthier lifestyle. I realize that the "real me" does not believe an eating disorder is what I want my life to amount to. I don't want to be known as "the sick one" or "the one that had so much potential but allowed it to slip away." There are times when the ED voice wants me to be known as such. To get pity? To gain attention? To have an identity? Just to be known for something out of fear that I will never be known for anything? Who knows. But the real me doesn't want to be known for things like that. I want to be known as a caring, sensitive individual. Someone that has been there for others during their tough times. I want to be known as the outgoing person that I used to be. The energetic, upbeat teenager that people enjoy being around. I want to be known for so many positive attributes...not for being "sick." One year of treatment has brought a lot of understanding. I have learned so much about myself. I am beginning to figure out the reasons behind my self-destructive behavior. I know what my triggers are and I know how to better cope with them. One thing I have learned about myself is that I have a low self-esteem (imagine that). I always knew this, but I never knew that it's to the capacity at which it is. I feel guilty about everything. I feel like I waste people's time...like they would be so much better off having never known me. Even if I am asked to do something with a large group of people, I feel like my mere presence wasted everyone's time. I am very insecure about friendships that I have. I always question why someone would want to be friends with me. In my eyes, I am just someone with a baggage full of problems that no one should have to deal with. There are so many things that I have learned. Eating disorders are definitely not just about weight and body image. It's true that body image plays a large role, but there are so many different aspects to the self-destructive behaviors. I believe that I don't deserve anything good that life has to offer. I remember once telling my therapist that I see so much suffering in the world...from AIDS to cancer to starvation and poverty. I told her that I feel guilty for the life I have and the things I have been given. I have a house, a family, food, friends, an education and so forth. I don't understand why I was lucky enough to receive so much when others have received so little. Thus, I restrict. As if my restricting will somehow "cure the world." It's crazy, but that's me and that's my thought process. I am now able to do little things for myself. I am trying to believe that I do deserve good things. I deserve to be loved and nurtured. I used to have the hardest time doing anything that would make me happy. I ignored what I needed for an extremely long time. But I have come to realize that I'm human...and humans have needs. So I try to do a little something for myself everyday. Just a little something that makes me happy. They range from taking long warm baths, to reading a book, to laying in bed listening to music, to lighting good-smelling candles. Sometimes it's just a simple drive around town to soothe my mind. But you know what? They are all things that I'm doing for myself! Not for anyone but myself. Sounds kind of selfish...but I was told that it's something I need to do. Other things I have learned are that if I'm mad, I restrict. If I'm sad, I restrict. If I'm trying to prove a point, I restrict. If I feel overwhelmed, I restrict. If I feel like I failed at something (be it sports or academics or being a good friend, etc) I restrict. If blah, blah, blah, I restrict. Well to be real honest, that is what I used to do. I have found healthier ways to cope with things. I am able to deal with my feelings without resorting to my eating disorder. I don't need to restrict my intake of food in order to make myself feel better. After a year of treatment I have been able to climb out of isolation. I go out with friends. I express my opinion without fearing rejection (well okay, maybe I don't fear rejection, but I still express my opinion!). I ask for help and guidance when times are tough. I don't beat myself up over the littlest mistakes I've made. I've realized that I don't need to be perfect! I'd say that I've made several strides forward. But that doesn't mean the battle is over. There are still some days when it seems as though I would like to fall back into the arms of my eating disorder. It seems like it would be the easiest thing to do. To stop fighting the voices and allow the ED to control my life. But you know what? I will continue to fight. No matter how bad things seem to get, I am not going to give up. I can't give up. I have come so far. Of course there are days when I look in the mirror and truly hate what I see...hating myself so much that tears begin to flow...but I'm working on self-acceptance. My size should not determine who I am. I can't say that I am "recovered," yet I will say that I am "in recovery." I believe that I will always be in recovery because it is a life-long thing. Yes, I still go to therapy. Sometimes I go once a month and sometimes I go once a week. It all depends upon how secure I am with my own thoughts. Who knows how long I will continue to go to therapy. Maybe it will be a couple more months or maybe a few more years. I don't exactly know. I do know that I will go for as long as I feel it's needed. I do know that I will regain the happy-go-lucky life that I once had. ~thoughts after 1 year in treatment~ November 2000 To view my reflections after two years in treatment, click here |
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