| Yet More Therapy... |
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| Wow. Two years have gone by since I first began my journey into the unknown...the journey towards recovery. As much as I would like to announce that I am fully recovered, I'm not. It would be a flat out lie to proclaim that the battle is over because everyday is still a fight. Everyday I wake up in the morning not really knowing what to expect. Some days I give myself the permission to eat, and other days I really have to convince myself that eating is a necessity. I remember when I first entered treatment, I was told right off the bat that recovery takes an average of 2-5 years. I didn't think that that was a realistic time frame...it seemed like an eternity!! I thought that I would definitely have rid myself of this monster long ago. But here I am, 2 years down the road and still waging the war. Who would've thought. Hmmm. The last year has been a very interesting one. I suffered my tenth and eleventh stress fractures of my life. I like to believe that it had nothing to do with my eating disorder...but once again, that would be a lie. Had I been feeding my body, it is quite possible that I wouldn't have had to miss about 1/3 of my senior season in basketball. I had one fracture in my left hip socket (ouch!) and one in my right femur. I guess a lack of proper nutriton does that to you. Of course you never realize it until it's too late. What's done...is done. Because of this, my basketball career has ended, and I was unable to pursue my dreams of playing at the collegiate level (but I was debating about whether I wanted to play basketball in college anyway). This decision severely impacted my life. My immediate response was that I did not have to "look" like an athlete anymore if I wasn't going to "be" an athlete. Thus, I felt that I could shape my body into that of a slender model. But the rational side of me took over. My weight has remained relatively stable for nearly 18 months now! A part of me is thrilled with that...but a part of me is ashamed. I am glad that it hasn't gone up, but I wish everyday that it would magically go down. I am so confused. To add to the confusion, I started my freshman year in college this year (August 2001). I moved six hours away from my support system. During this past summer, I was going to individual therapy twice a month and group therapy once a week. Then all of a sudden I move away...and BAM!!! I have no support. It was truly an adjusting phase. I realized that I had to do it on my own. I couldn't rely on my mother to make me sit down and eat meals. I couldn't rely on my high school friends to encourage me to eat lunch in the school cafe.. Was it difficult? Of course it was. But I did it. I took the initiative to care for myself and to maintain the progress which I've made. God knows that I don't want to deal wth this for the rest of my life. And the more times I relapse, the harder it will be to conquer this disease. Despite the fact that I would love to shed a few pounds, I have refrained from doing so simply because I know that a few pounds won't be enough. After I lose the first few, I will want to lose a few more, and then a few more. Then I will be right back to where I was two years ago. Besides, in all honesty, I know that my weight is not the true issue. It is how I am feeling inside. Which brings me to the emotional aspect surrounding the last two years. I think that the emotional battle has been much more difficult than the physical battle. Physically, I can eat, I do eat, I like to eat, and I even look forward to eating. Emotionally, I can't eat, I don't want to eat, I hate to eat, and I never want to eat ever again. You see that little koala bear up at the top of this page? Well, that is me. That is me hiding from the world. That is me crawling into a hole and never being seen again. That is me avoiding all of the trials and tribulations that life throws my way. That is me just trying to live life day to day. That is me simply yearning to be thin again. You see, the eating disorder provided a feeling of accomplishment. ....................to be continued................... ~thoughts after 2 years of treatment~ November 2001 p.s. the "to be continued" part never really happened, now did it? I apologize. Unfortunately, it is too late to do so now...so I will just be bring you up to date about the latest in my thoughts after FOUR YEARS |
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