| I am writing this four years to the day...yes, four years ago today, I entered treatment for my eating disorder. I will never forget this day. November 15, 1999...it is ingrained in my mind forever. So today, November 15, 2003 I reflect back on my travels through some good times and some bad times. There have definitely been some ups and downs. Some days when I feel as though I am completely content with myself and my life. Then there are other days when it seems as though this life is not worth living anymore. I've tried several tactics to try and break free from the eating disorder. I've moved and relocated a few times, thinking that a change of environment would help me on this journey. Unfortunately, that actually backfired. In January of 2002, I accepted an internship with Walt Disney World in Florida. I took the spring semester off to give it a whirl. I was supposed to be there until August, but lo and behold, I was not the happiest person alive at that point. The change in environment actually made the eating disorder a whole lot worse. I cycled through many days of bingeing/fasting and gained some weight. I knew I was gaining weight, though I felt powerless to stop it. Here I was, some 27 hours driving distance away from home. Away from the people who loved me, and away from my support system. I felt trapped. So I was filling a void. I didn't know how to cope. Because of these behaviors, I became more and more depressed as the days went on. I was awarded free admission to the theme parks on my days off...yet I was so depressed that I didn't take advantage of it. I just simply wanted to go home. So at the end of April, 2002, I flew back home. Thus cutting my adventure about 3 months short. The minute I got home, I reinstated my therapy. I had gone 105 days without seeing my therapist. Doesn't sound like a lot, but I truly was not ready for it. I was kind of in the middle of a relapse before I left. My therapist was actually suggesting that I stay. But I was afraid of what people might think if I had backed out. So yes, I was not ready for this transition. And it obviously took advantage of me. So when I came home, I called my T's office and began regular therapy again. Once every other week. The self-hatred was so strong, because I could not believe that I allowed myself to be so out of control while I was in Florida. Being a former restricter/over-exerciser, these bingeing episodes left me feeling like a failure and doomed to be unsuccessful. Because after all, if I cannot control my food intake, how in the world will I ever be productive at anything else? Yes, irrational thinking...I know this. More recently, I've almost been admitted to the psych unit on a couple of occassions for suicidal ideations. No, I am not proud of this by any means. Back in May '03, we uncovered some of my past sexual abuse issues. (I will make a separate page about this) I was fairly successful in putting the thoughts and feelings away and not thinking about them except for when I was dealing with them in therapy. Unfortunately, "it" happened again. And then all of the feelings came flooding back to me. All of the images and flashbacks and nightmares, etc. I was completely overhwhelmed. And suicide became my only option for escaping those dreadful thoughts and the extreme hatred I had towards myself for allowing it to happen once again. It's a battle, it truly is. I wish I could say at this point that I am recovered, but I'm not. We're just tapping into the abuse issues...and that in and of itself makes me resort to eating disordered behaviors. I've been close to terminating myself from treatment on many, many occasions, but I know that I must continue if I am to ever get past this. Therapy hurts! But yeah, I'm hanging tough and working through the pain of my past. Till next time..... ~ thoughts after 4 years of treatment ~ November 2003 |
| The Therapy Continues... (this stinks!) |
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