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Oprah has my cash
and I don't know what dogs are really thinking
?!?
from BoxJam's message board
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Inducing Morality in Sea Monkeys
posted by Wabbit on 3/26/2001
(from Straight Dope Message Boards)
The question of whether or not
morality can be induced in another species has troubled me for some time.
In an attempt to answer this question, I performed an experiment on some
sea monkeys I happened to acquire (note: I chose sea monkeys b/c the
package they came in clearly showed them living in stable familial groups
and that their technology level was high enough to enable them to
construct fairly complex shelters). The results--posted below--were
inconclusive so I was wondering if anyone had performed similar
experiments. If so, I would appreciate it greatly if you would post your
results. Thank you for your time.
Wabbit
INDUCING MORALITY IN SEA MONKEYS
29 January 1998: Initial Experiment
In an attempt to induce an organized system of morality in the sea monkeys
I received at our office Christmas party, I've decided to introduce them
to religion. This was done by lowering a 2 inch, plastic Cat-in-the-Hat
icon into their environment. It is hoped that the sea monkeys will, by
being confronted with an overwhelmingly large and (to them)
incomprehensible event (i.e. the introduction of the plastic icon into
their jar), begin to formulate some sort of belief in the supernatural in
order to explain the previously mentioned 'event'. In the second stage of
this experiment, I have decided to use a straw to randomly remove a few sea monkeys
from their jar and then (after a few minutes of vigorous
shaking) return them to the jar. It is hoped that this experience will
induce a significant proportion of the abducted sea monkeys to claim that
they have 'special knowledge' of their environment (i.e. there's a big guy
on the outside of our jar who enjoys torturing us) and then become the
precursor's of a new priestly class by using this insight to scare the
hell out of their peers.
3 February 1998: Preliminary Results
I have been unable to observe any signs of religious activity among the sea monkeys
(no visible haranguing of the masses, no signs that the sea monkeys are nailing each other to trees, etc.) since the introduction
of the Cat-in-the-Hat icon into their tank. Given this information, I
hypothesize that brine shrimp have a 'steady state' type of religious consciousness
wherein the entire culture converts en mass to whatever
morality system is articulated by the 'priestly class' (in this case the 'Abductees'
which, I might add, were incredibly hard to capture)--hence no religious
conflict and no need to harangue folks or to nail heretics to chunks of
wood, etc.
EXPERIMENT 1A: In an attempt to induce some sort of religious conflict in
the Sea monkey community, I have introduced a vibrating Mr. Potato Head
icon to the other side of the glass jar (this is interesting in and of
itself--who in the world would come up with the idea of converting a
standard Mr. Potato Head into some sort of massaging device?!
Amazing....). I feel that the Mr. Potato Head icon, with its goggly eyes,
blindingly orange nose, and paunchy build, will cause the sea monkeys which
(by design or accident) frequent it's side of the jar to display social
and moral characteristics which are substantially different from the ones
displayed by the Cat-in-the-Hat devotees. In addition, I will utilize the
vibration mode of the Mr. Potato Head to 'rock the sea monkey's world' by
causing it to shake the entire jar for a few moments. It will be
interesting to see if the faith of a few zealots (i.e. the Abductee's on
the Cat-in-the-Hat side) will be sufficient to maintain the old religious
system in the wake of the societal vibrations caused by Mr. Potato Head.
3 March 1998: Final Results
I am sorry to announce that my experiments on inducing morality in sea monkeys
must be considered an unmitigated failure. At no time during
the experiments did I see any evidence of moral behavior or even immoral
behavior from the test subjects (although, with a strict Puritanical
worldview, aimlessly roaming around their jar could be considered
'immoral' I suppose). In addition, further experimentation is now
impossible as the test subjects had the bad grace to 'pass on' over the
weekend. The cause of death is uncertain--their numbers had been
diminishing steadily for weeks) as my attempts to perform an autopsy on
several of the larger corpses caused them to be mashed into an
unrecognizable . There is no hard evidence linking the unfortunate demise
of the sea monkeys to my attempts to instill moral fiber in them, however.
I believe the experiment failed because it was not undertaken in a
controlled laboratory setting. The unbridled enthusiasm of my co-workers
once they learned of my experiment led to several 'contamination events'
during the course of my studies including: abducting the entire biosphere
in a well-intentioned attempt to 'rescue' the sea monkeys (I should note
that I found the poor buggers sandwiched between a gigantic portrait of
someone's glowering family and a hulking, faceless lace angel figure--I
don't doubt that the rapid transition from the relatively benign Mr.
Potato Head/Cat-in-the-Hat environment to this harsh reality would shock
even the most settled culture). In addition, several lame attempts at
humor such as putting an 'Arbeit Macht Frei' sign over the sea monkey
biosphere and calling me 'Herr Doktor Mengele' in front of the test
subjects could not help but introduce even more moral structures than were
already influencing them. Lastly, and most seriously in my professional
opinion, several of my co-workers got carried away in their enthusiasm for
my work and literally encrusted the entire biosphere with plastic
figurines of slavering lizards, bug-eyed frogs, and various unsavory
arachnids. When I arrived, there were so many of these hellish idols
clustered around the experiment that there was no way that the test
subjects could get sunlight, much less see their 'gods'. One can only
wonder what the abrupt eclipse of a culture's holy icons by such demonic
figures would have on the general populace. Obviously the lack of a
laboratory environment seriously contaminates any results that can be
gleaned from this experiment.
On a final, more optimistic note, I did notice that the sea monkey jar was
positioned by my 'When in trouble, when in doubt; run in circles, scream
and shout' sign. Although I never heard any 'shout outs' from the test
subjects, they certainly swam in circles constantly. Perhaps I didn't
induce morality in them, but I surely induced confusion. Any way you slice
it, I got my $1.50's worth of fun out of them....
The Bat Turn
generously "donated" from 1966 Batman TV Trivia and others
The the Bat Turn allowed the Batmobile
to make a quick 180° turn (useful if you are being followed by the
Penguin). Should you find yourself in the Batmobile and require a quick
180°, open you web browser to this page
and follow these steps. These directions are based on the
"original" 1966 model of the Batmobile. This is the Batmobile
that weighed three tons and maxed out at 80 mph.
The first step is to check for a wide enough berth to turn the Batmobile around. Bear in mind that it is about 20 feet long.
Pull the handle marked
"EMERGENCY BAT-TURN LEVER" on the left side of the steering
column. Be careful not to pull the BAT-GEAR CHANGER by accident.
This will release the BAT
PARACHUTES, slowing down the Batmobile.
I guess you should start turning left or right so
that the car actually spins around. Don't forget to release the parachutes
when you have reached the ideal speed for turning around. To do so press
the "PARACHUTE JETTISON BUTTON."
Presto! Once you have released the parachutes you
should find yourself facing the direction you came from (in this case back
toward downtown Gotham City).
Make sure to call the Batmobile Parachute Pickup Service (actually just Alfred) with the general location of the parachute. If the parachute is not run over by your arch-villain it can often be reused.
Notes:
In the 2001 model of the original 1966 Batmobile
(now you explain this to me) the EMERGENCY BAT-TURN LEVER has been
moved and renamed to simply BAT TURN. Check this updated picture.
I've found yet another picture of the BAT-TURN. This one is supposedly taken in 1966 and shows the lever in yet another location (on Robin's side no less). It seems that someone went a little overboard with the BAT-LABELER back in the cave.
This just adds credibility to the old axiom, in any superhero vehicle (Wonder Woman's jet, Aquaman's Seahorse), it is a good idea to familiarize yourself with the features of that particular super conveyance before you take her out for a spin.
The Batmobile was based on the 1955 Lincoln Futura concept car. The designer was inspired by a scuba-diving encounter with a shark.
It was customized by George Barris. No, not that Barris.
I don't think these guys could fit in the car anymore.