JACK: "And I want a celebrity. No one lower than Joan Van Ark."
WILL: "How about Joan of Ark?"
JACK: "What--what show is she on?"

KAREN: "Well, honey, all you had to do was ask. I'm happy to help." (DIALS THE PHONE. ON THE PHONE:) "Rosario." (BEAT) "Yeah. Hi, honey, listen, I'm gonna need you to make one of your 7-layer cakes for tomorrow. Mm-hmm. And keep an eye on the kids. The fat one's gonna go right for the bowl." (BEAT) "Okay. Hola." (HANGS UP.) "All done. Baking is fun."

GRACE: "I've narrowed it down to something spandex with padding."
WILL: "So we're gonna get him Richard Simmons?"

GRACE: "30 seconds after you left, Sam Truman walks up to me."
KAREN (TO WILL): "Ooh! Old lover?"
WILL (TO KAREN): "Sam Truman? My brother?"
KAREN: "So... no?"

KAREN (to GRACE): "Honey. Honey... I barely care about Will. Can ya imagine how I feel about the brother?"

KAREN (TO JACK): "Damn it, honey. I was hoping there'd be at least one straight guy here tonight in case these puppies accidentally fall out." (BENDING OVER) "Oops! Whoo!"

KAREN (TO PARTY GUESTS): "Okay, could I have everybody's attention? I thought it would be fun if people came up and made a toast to the man of the hour. So... who wants to say a few words about Jack?" (NO ONE MOVES...) "Come on, queens are better to open. Oh, all right, I'll start. Uh... Hmm... Oh, ok. Say it's 12:45, and one of your real girlfriends cancels for lunch. Well, there is nobody-- and I do mean nobody-- who can fill in like Jack." (TO JACK) "Honey, if catty were a perfume, you'd reek of it. I love you, honey. I do. I love ya."

WILL: "Jack, I joke with you a lot. I call you names. Names like Nellie... Mary... Tinkerbell, Femme-bot, Ally McHomo..."
JACK: "Get to the good stuff or get off the stage."
WILL: (SERIOUSLY) But I love you, Jack. I don't tell you that enough. You're like... Well... Truth be told, you're like the brother I never had. Oh, what do you know? (GLARES AT SAM) The brother I never had is here tonight. (TO JACK) But, see, unlike him, you'd never cut me out of your life or split up my family. So here's to you, Jack. Happy birthday.
JACK (SOTTO, TO KAREN): What the hell kind of a toast was that?

JACK: "That's it. Can you feel that? Hi, lovers. I love you all like lovers. Really. I love you and you and you and... You I don't know, but I could definitely see loving you." (PURRS) "But most of all, I love... love. I do. Sometimes I love love so much I wish I could take it to Vegas for a really naughty weekend."

(GRACE IS PLAYING WITH A JUICE MACHINE, MOVING IT'S "MOUTH")
GRACE (FUNNY VOICE): "Hi. I'm Mr. Juicer."
SAM (NOTICING GRACE): "My God, Grace Adler, you have gotten lonely."

SAM: "Grace Adler, wow! You know, the last time I saw you, you were" (HOLDING HIS FINGERS AN INCH APART) "this big. But I was on a hill, and you were far away."

GRACE: "Sam, he doesn't hate you any more than you hate him."
SAM: "Grace, I don't hate him. I love him. I miss him."
GRACE: "Okay, he hates you a little more than you hate him."

GRACE: "Will, call your brother. You know, Michael Corleone forgave Fredo."
WILL: "Yeah, that was right before he had him taken out to the lake and shot."
GRACE: "The important thing is he forgave him."
WILL: "No. I think the important thing to Fredo was that he got shot."

GRACE: "Will, I had to do something. You guys are gentiles. This could go on for 40 years."

WILL: "Gee, Grace, you're right. Maybe after, we can swing by the Middle East and clear up that whole mess with a big group hug."